PC talk system recommendations blog Facebook YouTube articles and guides links bio
game screensots rabb1t's ramblings podcast email
Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 2: Rise of teh Bunnah

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 93

Day 645 - 4/7 - Sooooo tired; just visiting

It's just after 6, waiting for class. Today has been a tired day. I got to sleep pretty late, until about 11:30, but the stupid people that are calling C&H called and woke me up twice. I'm so very tired. I must still be catching up from my lack of sleep from when I was homeless. I possibly slept about 10 hours last night not counting the times I was woken up.

Not much new today. I woke up, took a shower, then had to drive H and the little one back and forth to an appointment. After that I had to come here to school. I had to get them to add a class because the online adding failed (for several days now). I also had to go to the library and find a book for my Monday class. It's so lame that we have assignments due every week.

That's it so far today. There have been several cuties on campus , but as usual none gave me more than a passing glance. Although I'm now mostly just visiting campus, coming and going for only two classes and that's really it, I still don't feel like I belong in school anymore. I'm so much older than the average students. (Though I'm not usually among the oldest.) Although I'd never say in the past that I really felt like I truly belonged at any particular school at any particular time I now feel more lost than ever. I'm seeing lots of people in class each school period yet I'm finding no new friends, no sweetie, and the classes I'm taking seem to be bringing me no closer to any real goal of finding a job that I'll be happy with.

Day 646 - 4/8 - A day off

It's late, almost past my normal bed time. I decided to take a day off what with the sad from school and still feeling chaotic from looking for a car. I may make Thursdays a regular day off though. I'll likely make Monday during my between time, Friday during mini work, and Sundays at mini work while I have them my time for homework. I'll have to read at school as books are like $80 each so I can't afford them. In fact, since this week's paycheck was the one from the time I had to miss a few shifts I'm lucky if I have $8 to spare, let alone a bigger amount. I can cover food and gas but I've got very little beyond that. In two weeks I'll get a bigger check, but right now that seems a very long way off.

I feel ok I guess, but mostly sad about the same old things; tired of needing to go to school, tired of not having a job I'm happy with, tired of worrying about paying for life, tired of not really having a life since I can't afford it, sad about not having a sweetie to share my hopes, dreams, and happy things.

Ah well. Life moves on I guess. I keep putting out resumes (though still only a few a week), I keep seeing new people, and I keep hoping. Tomorrow is another day.

Day 647 - 4/9 - Plodding along

It's nearing 5:45 at mini work. I guess I had a pretty good day so far. I'm still so sleepy and out of it. I think because I'm not sleeping really well. I got in bed a bit earlier than I have at around 12:30, but I probably didn't fall asleep until close to 2 or after. I got some movies to watch and homework to do while here, so I can be efficient with my time. No new news on jobs or anything fun.

Bye for now.

Day 648 - 4/10 - Back at the not-sis'

I spent a bit of time with the not-sis and her kids today. It was good to see them again. I'd forgotten what a total disaster their place is. I don't understand how they can be ok with their place always being a mess and dirty. There was a post-apocalyptic amount of dust on my PS3, receiver, and monitor. Maybe it wasn't just the two weeks I've been gone worth of dust, but more and I just hadn't used my system in so long that I didn't realize it had gotten that bad. I'm tempted to take it back, to either take care of and use or put in storage where it won't get covered in dust and dirt, but I guess it's ok. I certainly could use my monitor. The low resolution and old-school aspect ratio of the one C&H got me drives me pretty nuts at times. (I'll probably try and look for one for teh cheap to take to the not-sis' place later. I would like to let them borrow the PS3 still, so it would have to have extra inputs, and those are rare.)

That's really it for today.

Day 649 - 4/11 - Nap at work

It's nearing 10:30 at mini work. I was right; there is no reason at all for the shift to start at 8:15. I opened everything up, turned on most of the lights, then took a nap. It took a bit to get to sleep, but I got over an hour of solid sleep once I did. My alarm shocked me awake at 10:15, a good 10 minutes still before the first group showed up.

I hope I see the beautiful young blond girl again. Unfortunately though I doubt I'll ever see her again. She said she only stopped in here because the building she normally used was closing early for Easter. Being not-Easter I expect she'll be back to her normal routine. Finding someone who makes you feel something is very rare. I can't remember the last time I met such a girl. My ex made me feel that way, and it's been 10 years now. Ten years of sad alone time , only a few hugs from girls in all those years. I suppose a great portion of being single is not being places that there are single girls, but I suppose another part is that I really want and need that mysterious feeling; to feel nervous, happy, excited, content, worried about her all at once, even when she isn't there. Some call it chemistry, some call it love at first sight, some call it passion; whatever you call it I want to share that with a girl again - those shy happy glances when you see each other, always being close enough to touch when you are together. Seeing the cute blond reminds me that I can still find girls who make me feel that way. The question still remains though; can I find one who feels the same about me?

Day 650 - 4/12 - Worn out

I need everything to stop, to take a very long vacation from, well, everything that has become my life. My constant need to go to school, to go to work, worrying about my debts, worrying about what to cook, laundry, everything... it is all wearing me out. I can't focus clearly on anything anymore. The constant drains have dropped my ability to focus to zero. I fear, however, that I may never get the break I need. I can focus clearly enough on some things, but on others, try as I might, I can't focus at all.

I'm worried about my ankle. More and more lately I'm noticing when I stand that I'm standing in positions that take the pressure off of it. When I sit I notice it feels swollen if I move it so that it's resting against things. It likely is a bit more swollen lately. I've been carrying closer to 200 lbs on it more often than not. I still haven't gotten back down to the 185 from when I last weighed myself before these recent times of near 200. I noticed not too long ago that the bone above my ankle is more curved than the other. I don't know if that is due to the injury or not. I'd think that is likely just an oddity in my genetics as I was growing. It could be the issues aren't related to my accident from 10 years ago but instead something that has to do with the ankle variance. Well, someday soon I'll have to see if I can get a free appointment and get some x-rays or an ankle specialist's opinion on the matter. I very much doubt anything terrible is going on, but if the growth rate continues as it has over the last 10 years it may not be much more than another 10 before it does become very bad. Hopefully the size difference is something fixable or at least something that can be slowed.

So much in my life, so much of me, seems to be falling apart due to lack of money or resources to get proper care. I'm beginning to wonder if that will ever change.

Day 651 - 4/13 - More sore

It's late, about bed time. I had a good day today. I got to sleep in, take a shower, looked for jobs and actually put out a resume, played lots of games, and relaxed. Tomorrow is another day of school, which I'm no longer looking forward to like I once did. I actually will be going early tomorrow and next Monday to work on a project I need to make up for last semester.

I'm pretty ok today, but some things are getting worse. A few teeth are getting sensitive to salt and sugars. Not a big pain, not even a moderate one, but one bad enough that a few times lately I've gone to rinse out with warm water so the feelings went away. Also my ankle feels bad, as if I'd been walking all day or twisted it recently. Hopefully it's just my imagination and I'm being overly sensitive to it, but I really should set up a time to have it looked at at the free clinic now that I know of one that should be willing to see me.

Well, guess that's it for the week. Nothing new or exciting to report, but I guess with my life that's a good thing.

Week 94

Day 652 - 4/14 - Bad night

It's way too late past my bedtime. I stayed up late because I had a bad night. School let out super late, then someone almost hit me because they weren't looking where they were going, then I took the wrong exit on the freeway which caused me to be delayed more. When I finally got back to the house I cooked, showered, ate, and tried to relax for a bit.

The day actually started with good news. I called for my eye stuff and was told I didn't need an eye exam until June, so I've got 1.5-2 months before I need to spend that $200. Instead I spent $25 ordering contacts. In a few days I'll have nice new contacts instead of having to wear these that are like two or more months old.

I'm so tired of school though. I did part of a project today, learned I didn't do one assignment that was due tonight, and learned I have to spend extra time next Monday doing another project. I'm so tired of extra driving to and from school and all this time spent on projects. I'm feeling like I'm running in circles never getting anywhere. I send resumes out, I go to classes, yet after two and a quarter years I've had no improvement on my career, and after roughly 10 years of school I've had no change in career paths. Many readers probably think I'm a dummy, that after far less things should have changed. I don't know. I would certainly agree something doesn't seem to be right. Everyone around me is moving on and changing. But I don't know. I'm putting out resumes people say look fine. I am getting degrees and certificates thought valuable to employees. But nothing is changing.

Maybe I'm just the most unlucky rabbit in the world.

Day 653 - 4/15 - Another day off; not in private

It's pretty late, though not really past my normal bedtime yet. I had a lot of fun playing games today. Though I've backed off a lot in WoW lately. I have little desire to play. I think that's really just due to the fact that I really don't feel balanced enough to have a regular schedule and as such really have no regular community to associate with. I have my guild, yes, but often when I go on only one or two others are on, and it isn't always the friendly peeps I talked about before. If I had a balanced life and regular relaxing times I'd likely be a lot more into it. But without balance it seems so much more appealing to play Dragon Age, a single player game I can play at my own pace and not worry about who I will or will not interact with.

Maybe too it's part of me missing private time. Gods know I'm always around others, even if it's just C&H. There is still that constant buzz around/near me from one or both of them. I rarely have my private space to be me. It seems odd that people in relationships or who are frustrated with ones they live with to go to movies or other public places to have their private time, yet for me those seem just as crowded. Since I'm not really a part of the home circle here I wouldn't really be going anywhere private by going away from the house. In fact, I only feel like I have private time on Friday or Sunday in the brief times before I open mini work.

It seems so odd to think something like my own space in my own room would be such a big deal, but it is. To have quiet time in a room, to have space balanced how I like, to have the things I hold special and dear around me, this would be private space, a safe haven to balance mentally, emotionally, and physically. Perhaps it's the missing element that is the cause of my body aches and extra weight, my difficulty sleeping, and my inability to focus. As with all things in my life it could be quite some time before I find out if that is the answer.

Day 654 - 4/16 - Refusals

It's just after 8 at mini work. Today was sort of ok, sort of not. I got to sleep in without C&H making noise. They had to go to an appointment so I had the place to myself most of the day. I woke up kinda late at 11, so I only had a few hours of time before needing to go to work.

I noticed a hissing today from my car. It only happens when I do very sharp left turns. Upon further examination I noticed the wheel on the front left tire is kinda bent in one spot, as is the rear left tire. That plus the broken driver's mirror and dented area under the driver's side bumper leads me to believe the car was in an accident, maybe drove up onto a center divide or something. This wasn't mentioned to me when I bought the car. It could be fine, but if I have to replace wheels and tires that's probably $150-200 for each one. I called the dealer and he denied any knowledge of the car being in a crash, and he flat refused to provide proof there was a safety inspection that shows the car was checked. Since the tires were almost completely flat and there was almost no oil in the car I'm inclined to believe they didn't do an inspection, which the dealer told me was required by law. A dealer wouldn't seem all that untrustworthy, but this "dealership" was just a guy in a regular office type building with half a dozen cars parked in the back. It didn't seem all that fishy at the time, but the more things I notice the more it seems questionable. If I had any kind of return guarantee I'd take the car back without hesitation. With his refusal though this may turn into a fight. It doesn't seem unsafe, but there is a noise when the car first starts for a bit, it seems too low to the ground, the mirror on the driver's side is broken off (though they gave it to me), there are dents in three places, I was not offered a receipt for the cash payment (had I not been in a rush at the time I likely would have remembered to ask for one), there was no oil in the car, and the tires were all almost completely flat. It seems more and more suspicious as time goes on. I may go visit the "dealer" on Monday, but I may not have enough time. I think he will deny things and try and blame me for the damage and continue to claim that the car is/was safe.

I don't know... a sad day for me. It would be nice if I could trust people, if I could count on them. But for cars at least it seems this may be the third time in a row things have gone questionably / bad.

Day 655 - 4/17 - Not not-sis

Today was a pretty good day. I slept in, had a light lunch, then drove over to see the not-sis and her kids. It turns out they were going to be super busy, so I only stayed a few hours. When I got back to C&H's place they were still out at a Boy Scout thing, so I got a few hours to myself (not counting the animals). The rest of the day I played and had fun.

Tomorrow is get up early day. At this point I'll be lucky to get 7 hours of sleep before I leave for mini work. I couldn't go to bed earlier, as I just wouldn't fall asleep. Hopefully I can get another hour of rest when I get there, maybe actual sleep. I really need to do school stuff while there. I've a homework that's due and I need to see if I can do any of the old assignments I owe. More than anything now I wish I had a good enough job that I could just blow off school. I'm so tired of classes and assignments and projects. Sure, they take less time than a job, but it's burning my time for something that I don't know will produce a gain. With work at least I'd be getting paid for the time I'm spending. School lately... not so much it seems. Well, tomorrow is what it is. I suppose I should keep doing until at least a few things are done, at work or not.

Hopefully I can get some decent sleep tonight. Last night worry about the car kept me up. I looked stuff up today. A balancing is going to be $80, and if I need to replace that one wheel that's $50-75, not counting if I also need a tire, which is another $60-70. The balance causes a wobbliness at faster speeds, around 50 MPH+, so it's bad but I don't think life threatening (short-term). But I can't help but wonder - is that all that's wrong? Was the car in a crash and the dealer knew it and is hiding that fact? Why did he flat refuse to produce proof or a list of things that the mechanic inspected? When looking up a safety inspection I saw oil and other levels were supposed to be checked. If they did check the car, why was the oil well below "low" and nearly completely empty? What else did they not do or do incorrectly? It seems fishy and I can't help but worry and think that I'm going to be the one that will wind up needing to pay for all this.

Day 656 - 4/18 - Up early

It's early at mini work. I had to get up too early to get here, but I got about a solid hour more sleep once here. Someone came in about 15 minutes before my alarm went off, so I didn't quite get as much additional rest as I thought I would. Had I not been sleeping in my car for nearly the past two years it would be a lot more difficult, if not impossible, to get comfortable enough to sleep sitting up on a chair. It seems so foreign now to think thoughts that I used to even just a few months ago - things like looking up at a light fixture and noticing a plug and thinking that could be used to charge my shaver or phone if need be.

I'm thinking of taking back my monitor from the not-sis. They really only use it for Internet show watching, which they could do with any of the monitors I'm finding searching online. It would be of far greater use attached to my (gaming) system. Instead of finding one that can substitute it at their place it may be a far better idea to spend less than $30 getting them one that's lower resolution (than mine) that's only slightly smaller, and then take my monitor back and forth only on weekends they may play on the PS3 or we may watch Blu-ray movies. It only takes about two minutes to take it with me or set it up again.

My wheel/tire seems predictably broken. It only does the pssst pssst lose air thing on very rare occasion when backing up or on super tight left turns. Of an entire tank of gas it seems it will lose about five pounds of pressure, which is bad but very manageable. I'm still very worried that added to the shaking, plus the other clues, means that the car was in an accident and I wasn't informed of that fact and that it wasn't inspected prior to sale. I'll see what the guy says tomorrow if I have time to go (though I doubt I will.) If he offers half of the cost and a proof / (official) list of what the mechanics did and everything looks ok I'll feel settled again. Until then I'll worry. If he continues to not produce such an official item... well, there will be trouble as that seems extremely suspicious.

It would be nice if the beautiful blond visited. I highly doubt I'll ever see her again though.

Guess that's all for now. I should try and wake up my brain a bit and work on school stuff.

Day 657 - 4/19 - Getting my monitor

I'm pretty sleepy. I couldn't get to sleep until after 2:30 for some reason even though I went to bed around 12:30. It's probably worry about everything, maybe a bit of it was being sad/upset at myself for not doing school stuff that I needed to. I just couldn't focus at all. It took about 4 hours to do 1 hour of project because I kept having fun and milling around with other things.

After work I'll pop by and get my monitor from the not-sis. She said she was actually going to suggest that since they will be out doing stuff more often and don't use it all that often.

I'm not really looking forward to class tonight. I'm so tired of class and working and looking for jobs and trying to balance life on no budget. I just gotta keep doing it until I'm out of this bad place though. There is nothing else I can do.

I won't get a chance to see the car dealer until Wednesday. I've only got a bit over a one hour window after work before I have to be at school, so I'll barely have any time to do anything. I actually don't really know what I'll do for dinner. There won't be any time to do something before school.

Guess that's it for today; sleepy and kinda sad, but happy that I'll be getting my monitor back.

Day 658 - 4/20 - Mixed day

Today was a mixed day. I was happy that I got to play my games some of the day - I got to set up my Wii and play for the first time in two years - but I'm still sad about many things. I started the day by looking for jobs but couldn't find any. Those that I was almost qualified for I lacked experience (mostly one year or more of a specific type of experience.) I'm so behind on so many school projects I had to force myself to try and do some. It took quite a long time to find the motivation and focus, but I managed to get through the two that I needed to do for tomorrow. I'll have to try and get caught up on the like four or so that I still owe for last semester's class on Friday and Sunday at work. Those will be the easiest times to motivate, as that is not time I could spend doing other things. I also got a shift for Saturday, so I can do some then too.

I think though that most of my lack of motivation comes from the fact that I'm just not having fun anymore in classes. (And I never see the point in having a class if the students don't find learning the material fun.) Back in the day there was very little busy work outside of class, and it was about learning and exploring new things. Projects were fun, light, and interesting. This semester, and really for the past several, it's like the classes are boring, the busy work is boring, tedious, and difficult for me to do (in terms of access, schedule, or resources), but most of all this time around I have something due every week in both classes. That means I'm spending between three and six hours per class doing something every week that I don't find interesting or within my normal routine. I know it sounds like I'm just complaining, but if I'm not enjoying it, if it doesn't seem to be gaining me anything, if it isn't interesting, and if it is causing me stress and worry... well, that's not something you normally want to continue if you have any kind of choice. If I saw any way into a career path that I'd enjoy by taking other classes or again redirecting myself I would, but at this point I just don't know what to do anymore. Days like today I look at jobs and either find nothing at all or ones that require experience that I just don't have and can't get until someone lets me into the field.

Each day I'm settling back a bit more into my regular life; I can play my games again, I can eat normally again, I'm starting to remember things I can eat and what to buy next time I go to the store; getting more regular in terms of sleeping times, showering times, and play times. Yet there is still so much I'm blocked or prevented from doing, so many things I feel forced to do because there is a tiny chance it may allow me to move forward, but can't help and think that the steps so far have done nothing to help me.

I continue to be hopeful about the future, yet find myself at the end of yet another week wondering if the chaos will ever settle.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2010
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

flash required for the logo
best viewed at 1280 wide resolution or higher