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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 2: Rise of teh Bunnah

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 69

Day 477 - 10/21 - Buying a camera

It's a late lunch time; I'd guess around 1:15. I was sort of bad today. I looked at what the most recent development cost me and added the cost of the camera to find out what the new total will be. Apparently they were undercharging me (and others) for film development. Anyways, the total is now roughly $15-20 a pop (compared to the previous $10-15.) That's been on my mind since a few days ago as that seems really wasteful. I thought and thought and thought. This morning I did some looking around at digital cameras. The good news is that I found something for 2/3 the cost of something that I previously found and had on my wish list (like 10 months ago?). And it's 50% higher pixel resolution, so that was awesome. The sad news is that it took just about everything I had in emergency / re-establishment savings. I still have money to pay my overdue taxes, but that's it really. I felt slightly sick making that purchase, as it's all I have, but it is an investment. And, with the 'extra' hours I'll be doing on Halloween and money I will probably get from dad, I should recover the money within a few weeks. Plus, once my sad times are over I can sell it and get even more back. And if I should remain homeless much longer after about eight more picture series I will indeed have saved money compared to doing film cameras and development. Of course the main limitation is the digital size is the digital size; without film it can't ever be bigger.

I've also been bad and not done any school stuff yet. I've just been watching TV shows. I've got about 4 hours before I need to leave for class, so that should be plenty of time to do an assignment and skim read. (I'm familiar enough with the material from several other classes that skimming should be fine.)

Well, full now so off I go. I'm sad about spending my monies, but more sad that I'm in a position that I needed to. Hopefully these ramblings and pictures can some day produce positive change or reactions in others. Until then... I continue to endure.

Day 478 - 10/22 - Hurting feets

Lunch nom at 1:30. I've just been watching shows so far today and chatting on a few boards. Thursday is pretty much a decompressing from class day for me, so I've been doing that. I have mid-terms in a few weeks, so I'll be all 'eek!' about that soon. I figure over the weekend I can try and study a bit for one. The other is a take home thing, so that's not as stressful.

There is a job fair thing going on here today so I'll probably check that out. I'll check job boards too when I can. Mostly though I'll be playing my game wirelessly at the mall.

I suppose I feel a bit happier today than I have been lately, so that's good.

My feet hurt a super lot today though. I noticed a bit ago it's not just odd growth on my right ankle, but a whole (slight) distortion in the angle of my bone from mid-calf down. It could be due to walking oddly ever since the injury or it could be a whole other crazy growth thing and the injury has nothing to do with it. I'll keep trying for a free appointment to find my way to a doc to look at it. I may wind up being a bunny with no hop down the line.

That's all I can think of so far. Maybe more later.

Day 479 - 10/23 - Got the camera

It's almost noon, lunch time.

I got the camera last night. Delivery was super quick. I guess I put in the order just in time for shipments to go out that day, so my free two day shipping effectively became overnight. Unfortunately the memory card (new-school film) is going by slow shipment (unknown to me at the time I ordered it) and may take upwards to a week to get to me.

I watched some shows this morning and that's it so far. I did a subscription thing to most of them at Hulu, so it will tell me when they are new. That will make it a lot easier to know which I've got to watch. At least I don't have to worry about accidently missing or getting behind on any shows there.

After lunch I'll see about getting my book to study for a final. I'll only have a couple of more hours to play and have fun after that before I have to go to a meeting then mini work. It's like seriously, these kids do just fine without the meetings and training (they have to pass a test to be certified before being hired.) The reality is that most will only be there for four months, maybe a year, and then they will move on. All this micro-managing with meetings is lame. Noone likes them. It just stresses everyone out. It was pretty hilarious. The new boss during the last meeting was like, "There is a new policy that you have to request time off more than two weeks in advance. Is that ok with everyone?" And I'm thinking to myself, 'Seriously? You expect people who don't know what they are doing two days from now to give you an honest answer that they are ok with you requiring two weeks notice for time off?!' Workers are going to be dropping out at an astounding rate once we hit the holidays, and not in a good way. I don't think she realizes how many will simply quit because she says they can't go to a holiday function that they didn't have more than two weeks notice on. Guess I'm just rambling again, but if you guys become leaders do everyone some favors; really consider why you are making a rule, consider if there needs to be that rule, consider how things have gone so far without that rule, consider who the rule applies to and consider their feelings / thoughts / lifestyle. Break things down to the most basic level and really think about it. In most cases rule changes and rules don't actually help anyone, they just make things more complicated. Most people are of the personality type that more complicated will not achieve the desired result.

Well, off I go. Maybe more later.

Time passes

I had an ok day I guess. It's about 4:30 and I got let out of my manditory meeting early. Yes, yet again I spent more time driving than I did in the meeting.

I'm a bit sad though, as I got an email earlier about an Evga / Nvidia launch event party on the 30th. It's the one evening I work during the week and only the first 300 people who responded get to go. There was no way I could get a replacement to go quickly, and since sick and vacation time don't exist for me going without a replacement isn't an option. It's not the Nvidia series 3 launch, but it could be another card type I precited they may launch what with the rumors of three cards hitting end of life. What with the event being only a 20-30 minute drive south of me I'm very sad my work prevents me from going. I'd have gone in a heartbeat and posted pictures and news it it were any other day.

Well, with 1/2 hour extra I really can't do much since it would take 1/3 of that time to go somewhere and get set up to do anything. Guess maybe I can try and study or something.

Bye for now.

Day 480 - 10/24 - Days passing by

My day is almost over. It's sometime around 7:45 and I'm about to leave the mall to get dinner. I don't know what I'll do with the rest of my evening. My final I can study for isn't for two weeks, so less stress there. I may wind up studying for it though.

I may see if there is a kiosk movie to get, but I don't know. I feel odd. Earlier I felt like I had a home, friends, and that I would be getting ready to go out with my sweetie and friends to dinner and a movie, but I have none of those. I spent the day playing offline and checked a few boards.

I suppose my day was vastly better than days gone by, but still a sadness of what I'm missing out on permiates everything.

Day 481 - 10/25 - First in; last out

My day is over. It's nearing 9:30. I suppose it was an ok day over all. I was moderately happy and could play my game basically lag free. Despite my having good groups and was chatty with some friends for a bit I felt overly lonely. I was the first in to the mall food court area and the last to leave.

I didn't really do any studying, but I should be fine. I can do some at mini work and the laundry tomorrow and I'll spend the evening studying at school too.

My day was interupted by a bill collector - the same company as a few weeks ago. That guy who made me the special offer never mailed me anything as I told him to do. I suppose it doesn't matter as even a $10-15 commitment a month is too risky (with my current income). I guess though this is a reminder from Fate that I really should consider bankrupsy. There really appears to be no end in sight and it's been roughly two years since I could afford to make any credit payments. I guess I should see if I can get in contact with someone about (discussing) that. My bigger debt is school loans though. The ~10k in credit debt is nothing compared to the ~65k in school loans. I'd rather not blow those off, as I think that would do horrendous credit damage, but I guess we'll see. Personally I still think I should get some kind of free job placement help from them as long as I owe money.

Anyways... while I would have normally planned to spend some of my day playing, I really didn't plan to spend all of it playing. I don't really regret it, I lack a good place to study so getting into a studying mood is difficult. And with my current situation there is little else I could do (particularly on a weekend day.) I am always sad that I don't have that choice; to play, study, watch movies, cook a nice dinner, relax with TV, etc.

Such a simple concept. We all want a choice. We don't want to be forced into anything or given no choice.

Day 482 - 10/26 - The first one drops

It's nearing 11 at aquatics mini work. I has a sleepy. I slept until my alarm went off at just about 10. It's strange because I've had a lot of trouble getting to sleep lately. I got 'in bed' at 9:45 but I couldn't sleep until after 12:30. (Which I guess isn't super surprising as that is when my body would fall asleep in a bed in a home.) It's strange because my body knows I'm safe in these colder months. There really hasn't been any passer-bys (car or on foot). So it's like after 9:30 it's totally quiet and safe for me to be there, yet my body and mind can't settle.

The first of the lifeguards has quit. It's the person I think I talked about the other day. The reasons? Big surprise; stress caused by these meetings, trainings, being micro-managed all the time, and now they have to get there earlier than before to do poop cleaning stuff. She loves being a lifeguard. She has another lifeguard job and she's totally happy there. I expect more will drop over time as the needless pressure continues. Yes, guarding lives is important, but these people are kids, mostly between 17-20. They don't need all this extra junk piled on them stressing them out. Anyways...

I bought in my book today to get study notes ready. I'm too sleepy for my brain to function right now, so I'll likely eat lunch first. It shouldn't be too tough. This one is just making 3x5s to study from and I've got until the Tuesday after this one to study. I looked at my other one, the 'take home' one, and it's fine. The questions are ones that are taken from every single (child development) class I've had before, so it's stuff I've gone over half a dozen times already.

After work I'll do laundry then finally a visit to do some filing and organizing of my garage stuff. The ex-roomie who hates me has so many boxes and junk in the way I had to ask my friend/ex-roomie to set a special time for me to go. Since he's always home now and often in the garage I never have enough time to move his junk around to get to my stuff. If it weren't so expensive to store my stuff myself (it's around $100-150 a month here) I'd just do that. Heck if the storage unit had power I could even set up my stuff and watch a movie or play some console games now and then. I've never known storage units to have power though.

After I do that I'll check on the pictures, which they probably couldn't fix, and after that more study time over at school.

As always the day goes how it goes. Fate steers my course and I try and make the best choices I can along the way.

Day 483 - 10/27 - I am defined

It's just after 12:45, time for lunch nom. I think there's a storm coming. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night, again, and starting at around 1 AM the wind really started going. It's going pretty strong still.

I reallly love my new camera. When you go to take a shot on auto it's all 'pew pew the targeting squares, bam! the picture!' It was pretty funny when I took one of some Blu-ray movies with people on the cover. It saw the faces and tried to do auto compensation stuff, hehe.

People say we define ourselves, but ourselves define us in the stuff we buy. As I've been able to buy some movies lately (due to b-day and other gift monies) and I've been able to stay subscribed to my game and play regularly (again mostly due to gift time cards) I've been feeling more and more myselfthan I have in quite some time. While some of my older elements don't quite fit - my new-school digital cammo shorts and pants have a waxy/hard feel that I don't like - other old things are being renued and feel right. As I looked through my old movies as I was putting the new ones away I thought again about my collection - not just of my movies, but my games and other stuff. How we arrange our stuff, what we collect, what we wear, it all defines us. It doesn't define us in the sense that if you force someone to wear x they become x, but in the sense that they chose y, and examining y reveals who they are. If you take a look around someone's space you can get a sense of who someone is. (I've always been very happy and hopeful when a cute girl has been in my room and said she liked my space, movies, or felt comefortable.) If we have to put away our things, if we don't have access to them, if we can't continue to collect and do the hobbies we enjoy, we can feel lost. We may feel a part of ourselves is slipping away.

I guess that's how I've felt a lot lately. That added to my feeling lost in my career path has made me feel very lost and sad lately. But recent reminders have made me... I guess even more comefortable with who I am. I may not make the best choices; I spend money on things I shouldn't when there are "more important things". Yet these are exactly the choices which define me - to myself and the rest of the world. They may not make sense. They may not be the best choices. But they are mine, and they are me.

Week 70

Day 484 - 10/28 - A hole in my pants, but I'm not hip

It's nearing noon - lunch time - but I just got up. My body finally got caught up on the lost sleep and I slept from about midnight until 11 AM (not counting moving the car at first light.) My body still feels a bit grogy and tired but my mind feels ok. That's good because it may mean I'll finally be able to do that take home mid-term that's due tonight.

There's a hole in my pants. It's about 1" big and 3" long. It looks like one of those holes they put in pants to fake that they are old, and thus hip, but it's not. I've got old pants but I don't think that makes me hip. It makes me have a kinda cold leg above my right knee is what it makes me.

Seems the same for my... well, my me. I'm old, but not hip despite all the vampire 'he has older ways, isn't that quaint' fandom that's going around these days. Maybe it's because most of it is all about teen fampire angst these days.

Anyways... guess I'll try and work on my paper and eat soon. I'll likely watch shows after until class. I've got candy to give out, as I did last night. Peeps were all like, 'candy? yeeeaaa '. They always are.

Day 485 - 10/29 - Not tight pants

My day is over. It's 9:45 at night and I'm in my car nomming dinner. Today was a play day. I got up just before 10, watched a couple of shows, took a shower, then spent the rest of the day playing my game. While playing I did check for jobs and checked fun boards. As usual lately no jobs to apply to. I decided to leave two of the boards I was posting too though as those games have launched and I'm not playing them. One was very sad to leave, as I'd gotten the invite to beta over a year ago around August. Had I not been without a gaming system I could have been helping with beta for over a year prior to launch. I think the other board was similar, but not quite as old of an invite.

Last night when I put some stuff away in storage I decided to check a pair of pants in there. They fit just fine so I took them with me. It would seem that at some unknown point I switched one pair I had with the super tight pair I had in storage (from even before I had been homeless). So the pants I recently thought had become too tight from rapid weight gain was in fact mostly due to being (accidently and unknowingly) switched to a pair I knew was too tight. Now, this isn't to say I haven't gained weight lately. I have gotten to just over 190, so I'm upwards to 10 pounds higher than shortly before this school semester started. (I think I last weighed myself roughly 1.5 months ago.) So yes, I am heavier and I am about 20 pounds over where I'd like to be. I'm still trying to have a bit less soda and fewer snacks that are bad for me, but I think it's the school schedule forcing fast food meals on me a couple of nights a week that is doing me in. At least back during the summer with all I could nom pizza night I could have salad, so it wasn't too bad, but my dinner options after class are very limited.

Anyways... I suppose an ok day all in all but, as usual, I'm out in the cold with no home. What with the fun holiday times coming up I begin to wonder more and more if I will ever have a home or ever really had one in my adult life at all; a place that is warm, safe, where I'm accepted for who I am, and maybe even loved by friends and a sweetie.

Day 486 - 10/30 - Just another homeless Friday

The fun part of my day is over. I'm at mini work now. I watched some shows in the morning, then went over to play wirelessly at the mall most of the day. That's really my day.

Oh, lol, I saw a pink bunny suited person on a motorcycle going down the street, hehe. Haven't really seen many costumes other than that. I think I saw two at school and that was it. They didn't do the haunted house thing this year, which is kinda sad.

I guess that's it really. Some peeps said I was an awesome tank, which makes me happy since I'm heavily gimped due to my netbook and the instability of the network (which was actually very stable today.) My Priest is getting up in levels - now nearly 60 of a total 80. I'm worried that I'll get to 80 and be just as stuck on that bod as I am on my main. It would be sad to be stuck and unable to progress with both characters.

Well, my life is what it is. I have very little control over it at the moment. All I can do is continue to apply for what few jobs I find and hope for change. Well, that and try to win the lottery.

Day 487 - 10/31 - loloween

I'm taking a pause break from a very interesting documentary I got about Monty Python. (For those who don't know they were the inspiration for the generation 10 system recommendation names.) It's really very interesting to see how they got together. There's a lot of history in there. There were a lot of reminders about the way the world was for me. I'd forgotten that I used to listen to them on the radio back in the day. While black and white TV was around when I was a baby, and color shortly after sometime before I was like five, a lot of stuff was on radio that was more... controversial or untested. A lot of the stuff, like British shows, weren't on TV until I was in my early teens.

Probably not very interesting bla bla but it was odd to be reminded of my own history while watching the history of someone else (who was a big part of my childhood comedy source). I guess that's just one of those shared experiences you tend to forget about until reminded.

Time passes

My night is over. I'm about to go to the car and try and get in my sleeping spot to 'go to bed'. The night was pretty lol with several little ones in silly costumes at the mall. It's weird because that wasn't something people did when I was their age.

Um... not really anything else to say. A sad evening for me, but I suppose it could have been worse. Hope everyone had a good and fun Halloween time.

Day 488 - 11/1 - Sprains

It's late at around 8:30. I'm having dinner in my car. Asside from the time change today was fairly uneventful. I got to the school (pool) sleeping spot and slept pretty good until around 9 (new time). Yesterday there was a ton of construction noise but today it was pretty quiet. (There were some sports people making some noise but not a lot.) After, I got up I went to the mall to play wirelessly.

I got to spend time with my online friend which was good. With my having class twice a week and her new job I don't actually see her all that often anymore. I always find it strange that we can feel closer or further from someone in an online game even though they are exactly the same distance regardless of where their avatar is. I suppose that feeling would be greatly reduced if I could use voice chat. (I don't even want to try since I have barely enough bandwidth for the game by itself.) After, I watched Supernatural then left to come here.

My jaw, wrists, and sort of my knees, have been hurting today. It's like I sprained my jaw muscle or something. I don't understand how that could have happened. I suppose we can sprain or bruise any muscle, and there are colds that can cause joint swelling. It's probably a cold or I smooshed it against the car seat long enough while sleeping to mess it up. I do have to smash my cheeks a bit if I'm in a certain position (which I often am).

I was very bad and didn't study. I'm still having an extremely difficult time focusing and being calm and settled enough to try and study. It's a little easier at school but I'm still not used to not having my quiet, warm, peaceful, nice flat floor or desk environemnt to study. On a day exactly like today - where the difference is that I'm in a home - I'd have easily been able to mix play with study. But instead I just played all day, lost in a swirl of constant movement of people and sound. Tomorrow I'll try and print my notes. That should hopefully make things a bit easier to study.

I had a reasonably good time but, as always, as the night goes on and the world begins to quite I find myself much lonlier, sader, and less hopeful about my future than I'd like to be.

Day 489 - 11/2 - Hail to the church

It's 10:45 at aquatics mini work. It's a pretty good day so far. I got up around 8:45 so I got a chance to go on campus to print my notes and watch Stargate Universe.

Last night to kill some time before bed I went over to a church lot to use their wireless. I've used it a few times at night now. It's probably the most stable (free) connection I've found. I watched an episode of Castle, tried to go to the sleeping spot around 10:30, but someone was blocking me, so I returned to watch a second episode. Of both episodes only about four times total did the signal pause, and two of those were around one second or shorter. I've played my game from there twice now. I've never been disconnected completely, though there were some minor pauses during play. If it weren't for the fact that this is an outside connection - I'm out in the cold in my car with no power - it would be one of the best options. It does give me a great option for a mostly private, basically dark, spot to play or watch video, or whatever from.

There were several cuties on campus during my brief visit this morning. I had some dreams about cuties too. I slept pretty good and had good dreams, so I'm doing ok for sleep. I'm still getting smooshed parts and my back is in horrible shape because of it, but at least it's not like the early days where I was getting next to no sleep.

Well... I doubt anything will happen today to write about. I've got laundry, a bit of play and study time after, then I'll probably eat and take a shower at school and that's it.

Bye for now.

Day 490 - 11/3 - Being there

It's kind of an early lunch at just between 11:15 and 11:30. I got up a bit late at 9:45 - had a hard time getting to sleep yet again - then watched a show. After lunch I'll go to the mall to study and play my game. I may vote on the way.

There are lots of beautiful girls around but noone would be interested in this silly ol' rabbit. I'm feeling very out of place today. I think I could accomplish more by going to the mall to play and study. I just don't think I could study here. I overheard someone the other day in the cafeteria saying to his friends, "WoW is real life; everywhere else is AFK." In a way he's right. In-game we have very speicif rolls; we know what our characters are capable of doing. In the 'regular' world, particularly as we are growing up or between careers, we can feel lost, unsure of our role, don't know where to go - there are so many unknown and uncontrollable varriables.

I suppose I'll do ok on my test later, but I'm worried. Information isn't as salient as it was once upon a time. Though this is all information, theories and theorists I've had in a half dozen classes before I'm not as confident with the speed of information retrevial as I think I should be. I guess all I can do is try my best. I suppose that is all we ever can do or be expected to do.

Time passes

My night is almost over. I just finished the test and I think I did pretty good. I do think though that I probably would have done just about as well on the first day as I did after all my recent studying. There really wasn't anyting unfamiliar on the test. I probably got a B; don't think I got an A 'cause there were a few questions that I was like 'hum' on. We'll see. I get what I get.

I'm gonna drop fail on teh Internets then head over to the church to play for a bit in celebration (and to kill some time.) It's nice to have that bit of stress off my back now.

I guess I feel pretty ok today all things considered, but I still feel lost and out of place. As I sadly feared, actually passing the CBEST seems to have changed nothing. No new jobs have suddenly appeared on the market that weren't there before, and the jobs I have applied to (though they are only two or three) really weren't helped by having the passing grade.

Well, my life goes how it goes. I don't really have control over its direction. Oh, Fate may have given me a small nudge in that regard. Today I went along a completely different path than I would normally take at a completely different time. I found $4 on the floor with no people anywhere in sight. Fate saying to me that unexpected paths can lead to (monetary) reward? Hum. Who can say for sure.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008, 2009
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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