Day 533 - 12/16 - Fate's breadcrumbs
It's just after 10 and I had an ok day I suppose. It seems Fate saw fit to give me a breadcrumb and say that I could be the guy. Last night I had a lottery ticket that won something - the first in quite a while. Sadly it's only $1 or $2, but if I can win then why not win a lot, right? I guess that's just another of Fate's timely reminders for me.
The Internet was working normally, so I watched Dollhouse, played my game, checked fun boards, checked job boards, and even managed to find a job to send an application to.
Um... I don't really know what else to say. I advanced in the game a tiny bit, so that was good. There were some carrolers at the mall, so that was unusual; little ones, so it was pretty cute. Oh, heh, at one point I saw a couple behind me watching me play being cute and snuggly with one another. When I noticed them they asked me all smiely "what server are you on?" Hehe, so they play too.
Of course the more special Xmas things that happen and the more special Holiday things people do the sadder I get. I suppose this Xmas time will be less sad than last, but I'm still no closer to recovery, a home, a sweetie, or new (offline) friends. I continue trying and now and then people tell me they believe in me (in that I'll make it) but wherever I'm going this path seems set. It's like I'm going down a dark swamp river in a tiny canoe with no paddle. All I can hear are crickets nearby. All I see are the occasional fireflies. While occassionally very beautiful I have no control of where I'm going and I can't even see the river anymore.
Day 534 - 12/17 - Starting the line
Starting the line for another midnight movie yet again, heh. It's just now 5, so I'm not super surprised that noone else is here. I'll bet it will be 8 before any others show up. The ticket guy seemed like I was going to give him a panic attack because there isn't a line yet, it's not midnight, and he doesn't know what to do. Probably my bad for coming to a smaller theater so early though. They do have the 3D glasses out already so you'd think he'd be ready for people to show up at any minute.
I'm sad though. I had planned to watch Firefly in the meantime but I couldn't find it anywhere. I have a vague recollection of giving it to my friend/ex-roomie as a gift when I saw the Blu-ray version was out, but I didn't remember doing that until I was digging around in storage for it.
Guess that's it for now. Let the waiting commense.
Day 535 - 12/18 - First Friday off
Today was, I believe, the first Friday I've had off (that wasn't Thanksgiving weekend) in I think the entire like 1.5 years I've been at my mini work. It felt... weird. It wasn't like a normal day off since I don't ever get to relax and stuff. In a home I'd have slept in, watched some TV, played some different games, probably watched a movie in the evening... but with my life, well, I burry my head into my game and that's really it. I did watch one show in the morning when I got here, but after that it was really too loud to watch other shows. I mostly had fun with my game, but I still feel like I'm forced to play in order to escape from the sadness in my life that I can't change.
I don't really know what to say. I had an awesome time at Avatar last night. It was a very basic story concept but the actual story, graphics, and 3D, zomg so amazing. My friend/ex-roomies sister met me there with her older child. At one point we were talking about stuff and I mentioned the homeless and she seemed genuinly shocked, like she didn't know. How could she not know that her sister (had to) put me on the street with nowhere to go nearly a year and a half ago? It's like, she knew I'd been living there, did the subject of where I'd moved to never come up? It seems odd. It's certainly not something you remember about someone who looks normal, but to have never known, that seems strange.
Well, I guess everyone lives their lives and never really gives anyone else's much thought and that's how normal life goes. And for that bit I'm grateful not to be normal. I do care about others and how what I do or say may affect their lives in the future. For now I guess though, as so many told me back in the early days, I have to worry about me and not really worry about others. I do worry about me a lot. Mentally it is becoming more and more frustrating and saddening to be limited, and I can feel anger and rage more easily slipping in to my life; particularly when the things I'm behind on would be taken care of, or at least not so bad, with even just a steady 15-20 hours a week. But in knowing I have to take care of me, it's taking care of others that helps me to stay connected. It gives me a sense of belonging and purpose to be helpful to others. I guess that is part of the sadness and frustration as well - because of my limitations my ability to be helpful to others is also limited.
Well, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
Day 536 - 12/19 - Too loud
It's late and my day is over. Gonna kill a bit of time "before bed" in the parking lot. I'd hoped to get some quiet, as it's been crouded and noisy in the mall all day - a constant buzz of noise and blur of motion. For some reason they made the music in the (food court) area where I stay louder. Unfortunately there are still a lot of people milling around out here in the parking lot, so it's not a whole lot quieter.
There were some cute puppies today though. I don't know if there was a dog show or something, but I saw a lady with a puppy not much bigger than their hands, and later a younger dog, maybe one year old, hopping around and playing with an older dog, and a smaller dog on a leesh being with their owner at the mall.
Played all day and checked boards. I guess I had a pretty good day all things considered.
Day 537 - 12/20 - Just past dawn at the mall
It's way too early to be at the mall at not even 8 yet. I went to move my car to the school sleeping spot but there was a campus black and white as I was coming in. I checked the pool area and the gates were closed with no cars around, so I turned to leave the lot. I was leaving as the black and white was rounding his patrol into the area. I didn't know where else to go what with that sheriff potentially looking for me, so I came to the mall. It's not officially open until 9, but some stores are already open.
It's way too early. I'm way too tired. I'd really rather be sleeping in with a sweetie, but this is my life right now. I can only do what I'm trying to do to change it and wait. It is much better than last year. I do have my system. I can watch my shows, play my game, and watch movies (though they are at greatly reduced enjoyment levels). I feel a lot less safe than I did last year at this time, but I guess that poliece invovlement was bound to happen eventually, even if it was only on unofficial record with a single patrol.
I was hoping to watch some shows during the quiet time before most of the crowd comes at 9, but no such luck. The music is still super loud in my area. It will be difficult to hear my shows.
I'm exhausted, tired, beat, confused, and feeling helpless. All I can hope is my shows and games help me to escape, if even just for a little while.
It's late, about 10:45 and my day is over. I spent way too much time here at the mall, but I had little choice; no choice really. I mostly played my game all day, but I did watch a few shows. It was tough to hear what with the extra loud music in my area.
I was sooooo very tired that I felt like I did during the Turkey weekend gaming marathon. Parts of my day I was falling to sleep for a few seconds. I hope that I can at least get some extra school sleep Monday and Tuesday. School isn't officially closed until Wednesday, so hopefully the pool area will be open and there will be people there and I can nap without worry. If not there really isn't anywhere else I'd feel comefortable/safe napping. These next few weeks may prove to be excedingly difficult. I've also got a short paycheck coming up in a few weeks. Hopefully I'll be ok, but things will also be extremely tight.
I can't see outside the parking lot but it smells like rain and some of the cars do have evidence of being wet. Hopefully it won't get too wet or cold tonight. I've got enough stress and worry about patrols and the cold as it is already.
I guess all I can do is continue to take things one day at a time and hope for the best and that something good comes of my struggles. As always lately I'm doing everything I can and yet everything is out of my hands.
Day 538 - 12/21 - A gift... and a curse
It's super late, nearing 11:30. There are still people at the mall and the bowling ally has been doing some special events, so there have been people coming and going and their music is super loud.
I played my game all day and watched a few shows. It was odd at first not working on Monday, but as I normally get off and I'm playing by 4 it didn't seem too different than normal. I have work in the morning tomorrow, so I'll do my normal Monday things then.
I'm happy to be different, to see things differently than others, but it's also a curse. Because I don't think/feel/percieve things like an 'average person' it puts me on a very different path. I suppose one that allows me to endure trials like the one I'm currently on, but at the same time it is very likely the cause of my being on this path.
I could talk about how I found an external Blu-ray player for under $100, which I could maybe get or someone could give me as a gift off my Amazon wish list (so I could watch so many Blu-ray movies I already own), or how there are now two laptops on that list which would be good upgrades (one with a built-in Blu-ray drive)... but without a strong chance of that happening, without the income to make it happen for myself... it just feels like little more than trivial window shopping in a life that is otherwise unlikely to see real change anytime soon.
So... instead I'll say I hope everyone is having a good Holliday season and that you are surrounded by the family, friends, and other loved ones that you care about in your life.
Day 539 - 12/22 - Once upon a time
Once upon a time leaves blowing in the wind did not scare me. I used to hear them outside my window and was sad, but also glad, at the sound of the change of the season. Now the sound scares me. It tricks me into thinking it is the sound of close footfalls, the sound of someone approaching, the sound of someone hitting my roof. I am fearful at night, constantly fearing discovery.
Once upon a time the sound of rain on my window was a happy one. I would peek my window open just a touch, light some candles, and have the cool smell of fresh oxigniated air flowing through my room. I would lift open the shade to see the glittering of the moonlight on the raindrops. Now the sound worries me. Things will drip, things will leak, my stuff may get soaked, and I may wake up in a puddle if I don't bend myself into an awkward position.
I got some ok sleep last night but I was kept up a few hours by constantly jumping at every sound. I'm at mini work now, I'll do laundry after, then I'll post this week's fail and play. It's much better than it has been, but life is still bad and sad.
I had strange dreams last night and the night before. No doubt just thoughts of my sad life and less deep levels of sleep causing fear and worry from my day to creep in. This morning's dream had two strange bits. One bit was about one of the first ghosts that found me. He was moving in to a place two doors down from my ex-house. He (and about six others) was moving a couch that used to be mine from my ex-house into his. I was across the street in my car for some reason, so I had to quickly move my car around the corner before anyone saw me because it was 3 AM and I wasn't supposed to be there. He saw me though and came around the corner to meet me. We talked and agreed to go somewhere and he took me to a fast food place and we got fries. (Though it was one of those non-chain kind of individually owned places.) In another part of the dream I was trying to get into a place. It was really small, like a hotell room, but I think it was an apartnment. The complex was a maze though and I couldn't find my room. Additionally my key was broken in half.
The second dream was pretty easy to understand - feelings about my inability to find a home, being lost, and my inability to get into a home. (Though I'd also recently stepped wrong in my car and broken a key due to a laniard being stepped on. Good thing I had two.) The first dream I'm not so sure. Maybe just feeling like I'm watching everyone I know getting on with their lives, a life like I used to have, and now I'm stuck outside looking in at hours I shouldn't be awake doing odd things at weird hours.
Well... I can play my game later (as much as I can on my netbook anyways) and maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
Day 540 - 12/23 - Another lost tooth
It's early afternoon and I just lost most of another tooth. Upon inspection it's maybe 30% or so of what was there. It was one that was pretty badly damaged for a long time. It was one that was pretty badly damaged for a long time. It's got one of those older metal type fillings running through most of it. My concern though is that it's loose now. I fear the rest, still ok or not, may fall out in time. Damage on the tooth behind it can be seen as well. In a different section I've lost maybe 5% or so of a different tooth. I can feel a hole up there now.
I don't want to play my game. I don't want to watch my shows or movies. I don't want to be at the mall where I can do stuff. But where would I go? What would I do? There is no bed to curl up on and cry about it. There is noone to comefort me and say that things will be ok and we can fix it even if I did.
I haven't had a job with dental care in over 10 years. And even when I did they never paid well enough to actually cover repairs. The low cost place I contacted recently offered 0-20% off, so I'm still looking at roughly $800 for easily half a dozen teeth now. I fear that I may be toothless at this rate before I find a job and pay to cover repairs.
Well, dentists did warn me as I was growing up to not drink soda, so I suppose I can try my very best to greatly reduce how much I drink, but I fear for the most part the damage is done and there really is no going back - at least not without genetic regrowth as an option. And I think we are still probably 20 years away from unlocking the genome enough for regrowth of any parts, if not closer to 50 or 100.
On an otherwise happy day, tentitively titled "Xmas eve's eve", I now find myself sadder than ever. All around me there are last minute shoppers and people on outings having fun. People are dressed warm and getting ready to see loved ones and celebrate with food and gift giving. Music fills the air all around me, with occasional live music. Lights are on trees in houses, and on the houses themselves. But I can have none of that. Everything is a constant reminder that I'm failing. While I may be quite good at the things I can do, I am failing at life. There is no getting around that. Noone else I know or have heard of ever has this much trouble. They find jobs, advance, get decent pay, afford homes and families, yet I'm failing. Maybe noone is meant to stand 100% on their own, I've certainly only heard of a few, but nooone seems interested in standing by me. And without help, without someone doing the things I can't do for myself... I fear I may never be able to recover.
Day 541 - 12/24 - Xmas eve ghost
I got a surprise email from the gray ghost last night. We met up for breakfast and he gave me some monies. We mostly talked about Dragon Age but also a bit about what he'll do since he got laid off from his job.
It's early afternoon and I'm at the mall playing for a bit. At around 4:30 I'll head over to the ex-roomies sisters Xmas eve thing. I'll be there until it's over. She said I could stay over on her property overnight. She's got a lot of space around her house, which is very unusual for around here. There is even a barn like structure. I figure tomorrow evening I can kill some time with a movie, so I'll just need to think of things to keep me busy from about 9 or 10 AM when I get up until like 4 or 5 PM. The mall is 'closed' so I shouldn't play my game where I usually do. I may kill some time hanging out in the theater though.
That's it today so far. No surprises other than that.
Day 542 - 12/25 - Xmas hanging at work
It's early afternoon and I'm nomming lunch at work. By that I mean I'm where I work, but not working. Everything is closed so I really had nowhere else to go. To my surprise there are half a dozen cars outside, but that makes sense as people are playing out on the school fields.
I started the day at my friend/ex-roomie's sister's place. I stayed overnight last night in my car. It was a bit colder than it's been but that may have been my bad as I didn't put up the seals (so the back window was likely bleeding heat like crazy all night.) After I got up we hung out a bit. I got a shower. I fixed the sound of one of the kid's systems (the drivers disappeared somehow even with parental permissions not accessable through his login). I tried to get the modem to work for all the systems too. It seems it does work, but only if you unplug the modem for at least 10 seconds and then turn it back on when attached to the different system. I went to the ex-garage on my way here and put out my wireless router for them. That should get their house set up with the previous router settings. Since it was easy to get to in the garage it's easy enough to let them borrow it until I need it again. If money allows (and the wireless router works) I'll just buy them one of their own to use in the future. It's like $40 so that's an easy and good gift to get them.
So with nowhere to go and nowhere to eat I've come to work. I microed some food. I grabbed a couple of movies while at the ex-garage, so I can kill some time watching those. That should hold me until about 5 where I'll head over to find dinner and watch Sherlock Holmes.
Someone sent me a pretty big Xmas gift / donation, woot! So I'll save most of that but I may also order me a something nice/fun. I'm very tempted to get the external Blu-ray player, but I'll wait to see if more gift/donations come first. If not I'll assume this one was the only gift/donation there will be. My friend/ex-roomie did give me a WoW time card and a gift card for some foods. Also, she makes fudge candies to give away to peeps for Xmas and I got a few of those too.
Certainly not an average Xmas, certainly not a way I'd ever thought that I'd be spending the holiday, but my life is what it is. And even with all of the terrible things going on, I suppose they are all just temporary setbacks pausing my life.
Hope everyone has a good and happy New Year.
So I'm in line an hour and a half before the movie. The mall security people had the mall blocked off half way down, so I couldn't go over to the food court and use the Internet. That's pretty sad. I was hoping to play a bit, but it seems like no play for me. The security guy said he checked and it wasn't working at their station, so it's possible I might not have been able to play either way.
Tummy is a bit upset over fast food. It's really upset over about everything these days. There is little I can do to reset its balance save for salad and fruit. And because I don't eat those foods all that often even those will probably upset the tummy. I almost didn't get fast food, as almost everything is closed. Maybe it would have been better to just have crackers and mini muffins (that I already have.) I don't know. It's so difficult to predict if tummy will be upset at food or not lately. Fruit is expensive though.
There are a ton of people here for movies. I'm genuinly surprised. I thought it would be empty here but it's quite packed.
Such strange times for me lately; times likely to continue. Well, guess that's it for now.
Day 543 - 12/26 - Post Xmas
It's later afternoon. I've been playing all day and watching shows. It's been a pretty good day so far save for my neck being super cramped from bad sleep. I'm sooooo tired from getting up early. Well, about 1.5 more weeks and I can get caught up on sleep again at school.
That's it so far; Nothing different or unexpected today yet. I suppose that's mostly a good thing these days.
Day 544 - 12/27 - Quiet at last / gifts that don't exist
It's finally quiet at the mall, sort of. The overly loud Xmas music has stopped playing in the food court area. The croud, while still surprisingly heavy, only shows up at around 11 or later, though it was still somewhat busy with people milling about at 10:30 last night when I left. It's just after 8:15 and really noone is here. There are two cleaning people in my area and there were two old people walking (possibly others I couldn't see). I suppose it makes sense, a warm / dry / safe place to walk and exercize. But, not a single store is open yet, and I suspect it won't be for at least another hour+. Yet here I am, with nowhere else to go. I tried stopping by school for a nap, but it's been blocked off by concrete barriars since Wednesday morning. There are construction people in there, but I doubt they are doing much. Well, two Wednesdays from now I can start going back to my morning nap times.
It rained a bit last night. I feared I would be leaked on but it stopped fairly early in the night, I'd guess between 1 and 2. I've been passing out out of necessity at night, so I'm pretty exhausted as I don't feel safe off-campus.
That's really it. With the holidays there isn't much going on save for the occasional cute girl here at the mall (all way too young to even thin about talking to). Job boards are completely dead, fun boards are very quiet, and even in game there are only a few people. Normally this is a time of sleeping in for me, a time of relaxing and not worrying about work or school, a time to have a month's time of movie rentals, the 'winter of movies'. But my life is all off track. I've adapted. I'll survive. But I have no idea when I'll really recover. And it's not an experience I'd wish on anyone. Hopefully you are snuggled tightly in bed with loved ones and (when awake) able to do all the things you enjoy in the normal manner you enjoy them.
I was in my game today, I had to go shopping in one of the big cities, and there next to a holiday tree were gifts for me. I didn't expect them. They were all, of course, silly things; but it brought a tear to my eye. Yes, my friend/ex-roomie gave me gifts. I got a very good gift/donation. But gifts under a tree... that I never expected. It's been years since I've had a tree with gifts that I didn't put there. It brought some very small tears to my eyes. It wasn't "real". It was 'just programmed to happen', but it was the way things I have been hoping they would be for a while.
I got a reply to a thank you email from my friend/ex-roomie about Xmas stuff. She said she was glad I got her gift monies because she was sad she couldn't share Xmas food with me and that she wanted me to have something special. It made me want to cry. I don't know why her boyfriend hates me so much that I can't still do stuff with her, or stay there, or even stay in the garage. But also it made me sad because I spent half of it already on regular food for my homeless life. Even if I wanted something special I really can't have any due to my limitations of what I can buy. It's so sad to be cast asside and know the people who cast you out know you are hurting.
Her sister said I could stay on the property more if I wanted, but I don't know. It would be weird to drive like 15 minutes from this hub to down there (and back) just to sleep since she has two young kids (8 and 11). If they were teens I would consider it more, but being so young they really can't understand. Plus, with me being allergic I can only stay inside about 4 hours. I don't know. I may not have much choice since my current spots at this hub seem at risk.
I'm so very tired and sad lately. I feel like crying almost all the time. I'm so exhausted and feel like my life can't progress forward no matter what I try.
Day 545 - 12/28 - No more gym visits
Laundry time. Today has been a bit odd so far. Since I had nowhere to be this morning, and I had work at 10, I thought I'd see if I could sneak in to the gym work. I got there at 7:30 and things were locked with no alarm set. (Like it was on Xmas eve.) I went in to the office. I got a mat, put a towel on it, put a me on it, covered myself up and eventually fell back to sleep. I had crazy dreams about being discovered and there being little children doing Xmas carrols for parents over at the school. I got up around 9:50 and left the building at 10. Since the alarm was off and noone was supposed to be there I left things as they were. (The best ninja leaves no evidence.) I came back after work at around 2 to take a shower but I noticed the office light was on when I went in and the whole place smelled like paint. I assumed someone was there and looked around a bit. After a minute I noticed the alarm was going off. I quickly jumped in to the office to turn it off. Even though the lot was empty it seemed that from the evidence someone was there, did something, then left, possibly to return shortly, so they left the light on. After about a minute (mostly waiting to see if the alarm company called) I decidede to re-set the alarm and just leave even though a shower would only have taken 15 minutes. So now I don't know if it would be safe if I went there Wednesday before work. With nowhere to stay in the morning I don't know where I'll go over the next few days. I suppose New Years day should be safe - everyone on the planet just abou thas it off. But where to sleep that's safe... that remains in question.
Day 546 - 12/29 - My sad life
It's early afternoon and I'm taking a break from my game. Not anything really new today save for the connection being poopy. I met some new peeps online that wished me well after telling them about my sad life.
I've decided to try and save my (so far) one gift towards a full laptop upgrade. That money, after getting a few Blu-ray movies on sale, would be about 10% of an upgrade. If/when I sell my netbook that's another 30%. So, with those two I'm at about 40% of a full upgrade. Since I'm looking at systems with built-in Blu-ray it seems unnecessary to get an external one. Of course that remaining $600 will be impossible to gather right now.
I looked at classes and if I don't get the one I'm waitlisted for there really isn't another I can take. I've either taken the class or the class is offered in a time slot that I can't attend. I remain trapped. It seems more and more likely I'll have to consider bankrupsy at the start of next year when the Holidays settle.
That's all for now. Something good may yet happen later, we never know, but likely my sad life will remain the same.