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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 2: Rise of teh Bunnah

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 65

Day 449 - 9/23 - Beautiful girls

It's just after 5:30, waiting for my second class. It's not until 6, so I'm early.

I'm soooo hungry. Class being from 6-9:40 is the dumbest time. That's right in the middle of everyone's dinner. I'd have eaten early, but I only had one non-lunch food and tummy didn't want it. I'll probably wind up eating a cafeteria food early now and then before class due to it's poor timing.

I had an ok time today. I basically just got caught up on my shows. I did a site update due to a few new graphic cards launching.

Can't think of anything to say really, pretty regular and uneventful day so far. K thx bye.

Time passes

Just a quick note about beautiful girls. There was one in class with a pen out, but no paper. I asked if she needed any and she was like, 'yeah '. She was in the wrong class though and left. Class got out early. It's about 7:30 now (not after 9 as it normally would) and I noticed about three beautiful girls on the way out. (I tend to sit in the frontish, so I don't see many people when the classroom is tiny if my back is to the door.) I noticed the prettiest one had a tag with string in a bag hanging out of her sweater. (Either it's brand new or she was maybe going to return it and didn't take them out.) I pointed them out to her and she was like, 'Oops. Yeah, I forgot about them.' I left the classroom and we went different ways, but I noticed her path was meeting back up with where I was going and that she was looking at a map. I asked if she knew where she was going and she said, "Sort of. I'm going to the book store. Do you know where it is?" I said yeah and that I'd take her most of the way there. So, teh bunnah and the beautiful redhead talked for a bit. She's young, but not too young, as she has her bachelors and is considering doing social work (which requires a Masters.) We did friendly chatting, but I tried to flirt a tiny bit. She didn't introduce herself or anything and we just parted ways when she got near to the store and I pointed the way. I doubt anything will come of it or the other girls in either class, but you never know. I always hope.

Day 450 - 9/24 - Finding the path

It's nearing 3:15 and I'm in my car. I'm about to leave campus and go play wirelessly for a bit at the mall.

I haven't felt right lately. During the summer I was always looking forward to classes restarting - to be back in school around young people, to be continuing on my path towards teaching (or counseling). Yet now that it's here, now that I've had a class go over requirements and been among other students, now that lots of young people are around me again... I feel like I'm in the wrong place doing the wrong thing.

I don't know if there is anywhere else I can be though. I love young peeps. I act, in many ways, a lot younger than I am. I think and act differently than so many. I'm always thinking about social interaction, about romantic connections, about caring connections, about logical and rational progress for so many... yet I'm trapped. I lack the credentials or (job) experience to get into a field doing anything I enjoy or do on a daily basis.

In an episode of Eureka I saw today they were talking about people's paths and what to do with themselves and it was mentioned that mistakes can seem unimportant but they can actually alter our paths to where we should be.

I certainly don't feel like I'm where I should be lately. Many times I don't feel like I belong. Yet even still Fate sends me little reminders; I helped the girl with the paper yesterday by noting logical clues as well as body language, I helped the other girl by noticing overt clues, I helped the guy by keeping my ears open to people I pass by, and just now after thinking about these things and being very sad and deciding to leave campus one of the friendly librarian people was outside the library on my way to my car and she waved, smiled, and said hi in passing.

I very much feel like I don't belong, but I seem to have a place. I have a place at work for a few hours a week. I have a place through my site and on boards helping others. I seem to have a place on campus. But, like a porcelin figure set on a shelf I don't know if just having a place is enough to make me real. I so very much want to have and feel all the things you have when you are real.

Day 451 - 9/25 - Not in the mood

It's just past 5:30 at gym mini work and I'm microing dinner. I'm not sure what to say for today. I couldn't sleep last night until like 1, not sure why. I slept in at school until just past 9. I got a doughnut and juice for breakfast. I can't remember when I last did that. I went to aquatics mini work and had a meh time. I played for a bit wirelessly after and had a meh time. (I invented the best laptop cooler. The tables are about two feet big each and arranged 2x1, so I took the two I sit at and moved them about five inches apart and placed my netbook across the gap. It barely got warm on top and was cool beneath it the entire time. ) Now I'm here.

I'm just not in the mood for anything today. I don't care about either works, as they aren't my true path and aren't fulfulling. I wasn't in the mood to study, as I just seem to be repeating things over and over without progressing forward in my true careerpath of teaching or counseling. And I even wasn't thrilled at the thought of gaming, as I'm heavily gimped by my system speed and the WiFi connection (or frequent lack thereof causing disconnects.)

I really wish I could just wake up one day and be happy and not have to worry about money, friends, a sweetie, or being happy. I'm so tired of all the sad things in my life.

Day 452 - 9/26 - Nothing special

It's the end of my day at just past about 8:30. Nothing special happened. I took the fastest shower yet (the coach was shooing peeps out because the locker room was closing and just football peeps could be in there.) And I played wirelessly for a bit. I talked to a few of my online friends, but that was really it. Boards are dead on the weekend.

I've got dinner to nom and got a cheap $1 movie, so I guess that's a little something nice.

Uneventful day; I suppose with my current life that's probably more often a good thing than bad.

Day 453 - 9/27 - The sitter

The day went rather strangely. It's nearing 10 and my day is over. I took a shower in the morning and when I got back to the car there was a message from my friend/ex-roomie's sis asking if I would watch her eight year old daughter. I really don't have much else to do with my day, so I said sure. So, I played wirelessly from about 11 to 3, then was watching the youngling from 4 to about 9:30. I really can't do that very often though as they have two cats and a dog so I'm pretty allergic to their place. It will take a while for me to be breathing regularly again I'm sure.

It's almost time to go to sleep. I may want to try and kill extra time as the shield was gone Friday and Saturday nights, so I was exposed by the light and didn't sleep too well. (It was also missing last Friday.)

I'd like to say I'm happy (after doing something with the closest thing I have to a daughter I have these days, which is sad to say as I've only seen the child about four times total now over the years) and positive about the coming week, but I feel more like my doors of opportunity aren't closing per-say, but that they certainly aren't where I expected and it is taking forever to find them.

Day 454 - 9/28 - Still not feeling it

It's pretty early at aquatics mini work at almost 10:45; My whopping one shift here for the week.

I guess I feel ok today, but still sad overall. I was at school in the library for about half an hour this morning - I needed to try and see if I could get a temporary parking sticker as mine hasn't come in the mail yet. Things still didn't feel right about being there (on campus). I guess it's just an unexpected lingering sadness about classes and my career progress. Like in the class the other night, as is common for child development classes, the professor asked how many were already in childcare and like 95% of the people raised their hand. I'm like why don't I have a job yet? Why aren't I in a happy position and taking classes to be more happy (than I already am)? I mean I know logically why I'm not in childcare yet, I lack experience. But at the same time it seems to make no sense that people who babysat when young yet have zero classes seem to be in a position while I have over double the class units and I'm not.

I guess I just feel trapped again lately. These baby steps, while often positive like the CBEST, seem to not be helping. Yet I lack money and opportunity to try bigger chnages like reapplying for a Masters somewhere as I lack grades or money to move or travel.

Well, gonna eat. So hungry. Laundry after my whopping 2.5 hour shift then probably some wireless play for a few hours, then a brief visit to school to use the micro for dinner. That's all for now.

Time passes

It's dinner time. I actually didn't know it had gotten so late, it's nearing 9:45. It's just about "bed time".

I tried the new socks I got over the weekend and they fit fine with no bad tightness. I guess I'll take the old ones to a donation place when I get the chance.

Tomorrow will be the first school day, or I will try to make it so at least. I mean in the sense that I'll first focus on checking reading, doing reading, doing assignments, etc., that are due for the class for that day. I'll try to do that both Tuesday and Wednesdays for their respective classes.

It's still so hard to focus. It's still so very hard for me to be in a positive mood about it, or anything really. I study so much better when I can study what I want when I want. Forced and limited to certain times I'm so much less efficient and have such a vastly more difficult time being in the right mood at the right time. I don't think anyone should force themselves to study (or work) on something which is counter to your mood at the time. It's just not as productive and just risks you frustrating yourself or doing a bad/sloppy job.

Well, it's nearly closing time. I should scoot off for the night to slink back into the shadows yet again.

Day 455 - 9/29 - The first real school day

Lunch time at just after noon. I've actually been in line for the micro for about 20 minutes. It was pretty rediculous. It's super crazy busy on campus today. The library was completely packed, so I didn't do any studying yet. I did, however, get these packet things I needed to get for my classes. One of them might be a couple hundred pages. I really don't understand why professors don't do them electronically. Why should all the students burn resources and have to pay $14 + whatever for books on a resource that has to be thrown away at the end of the semester when it could instead be electronic and be zero cost unless the student chooses to print it out?

Maybe I'm just tired and I has a grumpy today.

Since the library was packed I went to watch some shows. I watched Heroes and Dollhouse. Still others to catch up on, but I should study later today, so they will likely wait. Plus there are really only about five hours left between when I finish lunch and when I should be going to class.

I've gone in a backpack circle. I'm using the one I had a year ago. I don't even remember why I stopped using it. I think it was to move away from an old me in combination with only having exactly enough space for my stuff and a tiny meal/snack. I moved to a messenger bag, a different sling bag, a backpack, a different messenger bag, a different backpack, now back to the original bag I was using. It sounds much more expensive than it is. I think I will have spent about $30 total after I return the most recent backpack. I returned pretty much all of them, so it's been ok.

I was thinking about it a lot last night and I think the reason I want to find a perfect pack isn't so much about function but how it makes me feel. I thought about a 'perfect life' where I was free to carry or not carry what I wanted while back in a home and what kind of pack I'd want. There is one that's super slim - designed for holding a laptop - that has pads that make it look like it's armor. That would be what I'd use, as my netbook, a very slim notebook, and a few pens would be all I'd really need to carry. I realized no matter what that wouldn't be possible for me right now. I will have to carry my lunches. I will want to carry my (large) headphones. I feel like I need to carry my gym bag with my cloths and stuff in it. At the very least in order for that change to happen I'd have to have a car that I could lock to keep the bag and extra stuff locked away out of view. While not impossible that is highly improbable to happen as I lack the income to even begin to think about changing cars.

As usual lately I feel sad, out of place, without (offline) friends (save for my friend/ex-roomie, and her sis and her kids) and trapped in a place in life where I may never find a home or love. Maybe later tonight I'll feel better/differently.

Time passes

It's nearing 10:30. Class is over and I'm in my car doing the final bits of this week's fail for uploading on the way "to bed".

Class wasn't too bad. It wasn't boring, so the time passed pretty quickly. There are half a dozen cuties in class, so that's good. This class has big tables where six people sit together, so the activities we did involved people at my table. The peeps seemed nice, and we had some lols during the assignment. As is common for classes at the start of the semester there were some activities that involved the whole class as well. So, I got to mingle a bit, talk to some peeps, be helpful to peeps, and in general I feel a bit better. The sadness still lingers, but it seems lifted a bit after interacting with others and validating that I've got some opinions and thoughts that seemed helpful to people.

Guess that's all for this week. I'll finish this off, put it into book form, then scoot off to post it and sleep.

Week 66

Day 456 - 9/30 - Play

It's nearing 1:30, time to nom lunch. I was hungry just after 11, but I wanted to try and wait until after 1 for the crowd to die down. I managed to hold out until about 1:15 and the plan worked. I was able to easily find a table and there was only one person waiting to use the micro.

I've been bad and haven't done any school (or job) stuff yet. I've been really exhausted lately and my brain just wasn't working well this morning. For some reason I've had trouble getting to sleep lately and haven't fallen asleep until midnight or 1 the past few nights. Even though I can sleep in once I move to the sleeping spot I haven't slept much past 9. I'll do an assignment after lunch, but I can't do reading for tonight's class as it seems they don't have the books in the libary. That may prove to be problematic as time goes on.

I think my Tuesday night professor should be ok. The class wasn't boring and at one point she was talking about how important play was and we did an activity where she's like, 'ok, talk to your table (people) about the last time you played as an adult.' And I peeked up at her and she smiled. I think she figured out that I was playing a game. I was like (to my table), 'I'll start. The last time I played was three seconds ago. lol '

I found another game coming soon I'd be interested in playing, and beta applications started for a MMOG I'm interested in, so yet again I'm limited by the fact that I don't have a gaming capable laptop. Besides that though I guess I'm ok. I'm still sad that no real progress seems to be happening, but I'm feeling a touch less sad about things since last night.

More later maybe.

Day 457 - 10/1 - A late dinner

It's late, just after 10. I'm only now having dinner. I don't really know what to say.

I slept in until about 10. I watched a few shows. I had a late lunch at around 1:30. I moved over to the mall for wireless play. I played wirelessly and had good groups and a pretty good time until 7 when the connection started going to poop. I left the game and watched Supernatural. I left the mall and took a shower at school at 9. I was going to eat there, but it was already 9:40, so I decided to get some chicken strips and grapes instead since I also needed a few other items at the store. Oh, I checked for jobs and appplied for a journalism job at an online gaming site. I'm underqualified in the journalsim sense, but very qualified in the gaming sense.

It's been a pretty regular play day Thursday... save for an overwhelming feeling of lonelyness and a pretty high level of sadness about not being able to cook. While I am very glad I can have soups twice a day again (most days), walking through the store tonight I felt very sad. Seeing all kinds of summer sausage, salami, pastrami, and other lunch meats I can't have (due to the quantity they come in) as well as rekindled sadness about not being able to cook proper dinners.

I guess I'm just feeling lost again in life. I still don't feel any closer or that I have any real chance at finding a job I'll be happy with or re-established than I did a year ago. If anything I feel less likely than I did a year ago. More and more games and Blu-ray movies are coming that I can't play/watch, so life continues to pass me by unlived. And everywhere I go people are with friends and/or sweeties laughing and having a good time.

Sad day is sssaaaddd.

Day 458 - 10/2 - Yet another ghost

It's late, just after 10, after mini work. I suppose I had an ok day today. I slept in then headed over to play wirelessly at the mall. I tried hooking up my keyboard again, but it's so much bigger than my netbook. I'm so unused to it now. It feels unfamiliar. It no longer feels like a part of me as it once did. I tweaked some stuff with my Death Knight and I've gone back to just tanking; doing damage and ignoring safety of others just isn't me.

I saw another ghost at the store (before work). This one I'd seen somewhat recently, I guess 2-3 years ago. I gave him a rabb1t card, but I doubt he'll say hi. At least he'll have my site if he needs advice or wants to say hi in the future. When I last saw him I gave him my actual card, but in these past so many years he's never contacted me. He was a sort of male best friend to my ex-wife and I really haven't seen or heard from him in the over 12 years since the divorce. Not really surprising as it seems people follow their original people after breakups. It seemed odd though that even though I only talked with him for about 10 minutes that his life is still basically the same. I'm beginning to wonder... does big and happy changes really only happen to a very small number of people? It seems the more ghosts I find, the more people I talk to, the more people really seem to just stay roughly where they are in life.

Well, seems everyone is out; Time to lock up and go.

Day 459 - 10/3 - Worst ping ever

It's just past 2:15 at the mall. I've been trying to play and stuff since about 11, but it's the worst ping ever. I'm averaging closer to 1,200 than not and I've seen as high as 13,000. (Much over 850 you get lag pauses/locks.) I did some tweaks to my Death Knight, but it isn't a good enough connection to try and group to test it out. I'll just do quest stuff with my Priest I guess. It should be ok for that.

I got a ticket for Zombieland tonight. That should be full of lol.

That's really it for today. Nothing special in email and even though I haven't checked the boards I don't expect anything to be going on there since it's the weekend.

I'm still sadder than most days about being homeless and more cool games are coming that I'll miss as well as other stuff, but there is nothing I can do about it that I'm not already trying to do.

Day 460 - 10/4 - Feeling alone in the gathering cold

It's late in the day around 6:45. I spent most of my day here at the mall. I had some fun playing with online friends. The connection was better to the point that I could play and be fine. I tried to watch a video, but it was too slow to stream or download the video. I've decided to see if there is a movie at the cheap kiosk to rent. That would be an ok way to spend the rest of the night.

I guess I feel mostly ok, but I still feel very sad and lonely lately. I had a lot of fun at the movie last night - the most lols I've had in maybe as long as a year. But I was by myself. And now I'm still alone and the rest of my evening will be spent alone. I guess getting a good enough job to get re-established wouldn't change that, but at least it would help somewhat by allowing me to enjoy my hobbies at higher levels that could distract me from my sads.

It's been cold lately. I've been having to wear my hoodie. Hopefully the warm will come back, but with it being windy most of last night I doubt it will.

Well, off I go to eat not cooked (by me) food, watch a movie on my tiny screen with headphones, and to be in my car alone.

Day 461 - 10/5 - New pants

It's 2:30, doin' my laundry. I slept so much yesterday and this morning. I haven't done much today. I got up right when I needed to leave, so I went straight to mini work. I got caught up on Epic Fail while there, so that was good. I stopped by to get some new school night urban digital cammo pants. With the cold weather coming I'll need more pants. My pair in storage is smaller, and one of the ones I have with me is too small, so this gets me back to two pair that fit. I tend to run lighter in the summer, but now averaging 185 more often than not I figured I'd just get ones that are bigger. And now we are here doing laundry. There is the craziest thing here. There are two drinks with grannie panties on them. They aren't really cold, so they've likely been here a while, but that is the craziest thing I've seen in quite some time.

I'll be doing wireless play tonight and I may get something not soup for dinner. Though they are the best deal for the cost my tummy is very tired of not solid foods. I haven't really decided what to do for dinner. Time will tell.

Guess that's all for now.

Time passes

It's another late dinner at just past 9:30. I guess I had an ok time wirelessly, but again the connection went to poo after 7.

I decided to stop at the store on my way to get a cheap fast food dinner since I needed sodas. (It's still very difficult for me to try and transfer more to water while homeless.) Someone being checked out was like, "you crushed my cilantro," but her tone sounded more like, "you broke my heart." I felt kinda sorry for her, but at the same time there is tons more and two different checkers pointed out she could just trade it for a new one. Yes, as someone who cooks I can appriciate nicely fluffy greens, but seriously?

The pants I got earlier were a bigger size I used to get. My tummy is a touch on the heavier side and it wouldn't surprise me if I'm over 185 now.

I suppose though that the good news about the cold weather is that soon (in about a month) I could consider getting salad, as the days will be cold enough I could keep the extra a day or two while I eat it up. I suppose too I could get chicken strips and tear one up and drop it in. I used to do that back in the day (in a home). I'd take some salad and a couple of chicken strips and cook them up and cut them into pieces to sprinkle on the salad. I'm sad I didn't think of that earlier or I'd have tried to do that for dinner.

Oh, there was a school job to apply for today - an office type position. I doubt I'm qualified though. I mean, yes, I'm "qualified", but if I didn't get a call for the other position it isn't likely I will for this one as this one is higher up. It would be $21-25 per hour to start, full time, so that would be pretty awesome pay. That's about 50% more than my budget figure at quick estimate. At that pay level I could affrod an appartment on my own. It would be so nice to be able to choose to live with others and share my life compared to my being forced to. I thought I had that with my friend/ex-roomie, but I guess not so much since it turns out her guy hates me.

Well, it's nearly 10 so I should finish my dinner and chill for a bit "before bed". I had such crazy and scarey dreams this morning at the school spot. In one the students discovered that I was homeless and I woke up with cans of food on my hood to taunt me. In another I was on a Star Wars type world and I was an alien. I'd bought a 'kitchen' (which was a single room with various food dispensing machines) but it turns out none of the machines worked. I did find a key to a secret room though. The secret room was actually a device that froze me for a few seconds then transformed me into a mid-teen human male. Since my regular skills couldn't help me survive (I was homeless in that dream too) I was grateful that it transformed me into a form people found welcoming and kind, as well as it gave me high levels of high tech lockpicking skills. I figured the previous owner must have been a thief/smuggler of some kind. But again, as per the first dream, I was hunted and disliked by those around me. In the first dream it actually turned out someone was putting me on trial. He and his friends were taunting and harrasing me throughout the dream. But it was again an alternate world, and I somehow wound up slicing his fingers off of one hand in retaliation at one point in the dream. I did that because killing was illegal in that world (for retaliation) otherwise I would have 'ended him'. (I said that to someone in the dream who was a friend.)

Anyways... hopefully better dreams tonight; maybe dreams of a sweetie.

Day 462 - 10/6 - Something is missing

It's 4:45. I've had fun watching TV shows. I watched Heroes, Psych for teh lawlz, the first episode of season 2 of Clone Wars, and the pilot for Stargate Universe. I didn't really feel like doing school stuff this morning, so I was bad about that, but I'll do it now while I eat supper before class.

I've been feeling like I've been missing something all day. It's an odd mix of feeling like I'm supposed to be somewhere else; not quite counseling others, but not quite being an administrator. It also feels like I'm missing something in the sense of forgetting something I'm supposed to be doing. I don't quite know what that's about. Maybe I'm sick. I've been heavily congested, sneezing quite a bit, and last night I must have slept between 10-11 hours total of decent sleep.

There have been lots of cute and attractive girls around today. Of course they are all about 10+ years younger than I should consider, but... well... life sometimes surprises you and you can find wonderful things in unexpected places.

That's it for now. Gotta study for class. Maybe more later, but that's probably it for tonight.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008, 2009
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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