Week 97
Day 673 - 5/5 - More than expected
Nothing super interesting happened today. I played for a bit and tried to relax. I guess I had an assignment due, so that's late now. I was so focused on the one class's assignments that I missed the other.
Oh, Sony put out a Facebook game for the Agency. It's pretty fun and makes me anxious for the game. I've not heard any news on it in possibly years. There is so little information about it.
I did get a touch more from my paycheck than I originally estimated, so that's awesome. I may be able to hold on to some and have about 30% of the money for my eye exam and be able to celebrate and get some games. It's been about two months since I got Dragon Age, which was the last big game I got. World of Goo is awesome but I will probably finish it in less than 15 hours total and it has very little replayability. I can also get True Blood season 2 which is like yea. 
I guess that's all for tonight; no job news, missed a school assignment so that's late now, more pay than expected so that's a nice surprise, but that's it.
Night peeps.
Day 674 - 5/6 - On hold for nothing
Today was ok. I spent most of my paycheck already. 
I paid some overdue bills and got to spend some getting caught up on games. I do regret one purchase though. I got a Wii downloaded game for $8 and I finished in about an hour. And the graphics were pretty bad, even for the Wii. I could have spent that $8 on other casual games or a movie. Well, it was only $8, which is two or three fast food meals of days past, so it's not a huge loss. But it's still disappointing that money could have been saved for things I knew I probably would have liked more. I guess I just wanted to have a little casual fun and have it work out ok. It's so rare that I'm disappointed by something these days since I have to be so careful with my money. Hopefully the Conduit will not disappoint me. It's also a Wii game that I got for teh cheap at $16. I also have Dragon Age's expansion and Mass Effect 2 on the way.
I was hoping to get back into WoW today, but it seems the fates don't want me there. I tried to log in to the account website to buy time and it told me my password was wrong. I tried again. And again. And after that it said that it locked my authenticator, which would prevent me from playing any Blizzard game if more were actually out. The crazy thing is that my password and authenticator are not wrong. I can still get in to the StarCraft 2 beta, which uses the same account and password, so I don't understand why the billing site says it's wrong. I apparently have to contact billing to get them to fix it. I called four different times trying to get through over the course of 5 hours. Only on the last try did I get through. I then spent the next hour and a half on hold waiting to talk to billing only to be told they were closed for the day. I have no idea how long this will take to get cleared, but it's frustrating as I've been looking forward to playing for a week and a half.
I still feel a bit sick. I'm still very tired a lot of the time, my tummy is icky, and I'm sleeping a lot. I'm going to try and get to sleep early and get extra rest and hope that helps.
I won't get to see the not-sis and her kids on weekends for a while. They are super busy I guess, so I'll only be able to stop by for a few hours during the week during the Monday window I should be doing school stuff.
Well, off I go to try and sleep. My tummy is all gurgly-blub, so hopefully it will be ok. 
Day 675 - 5/7 - Another day feeling icky and sad
Today was ok I guess. I didn't really do much. I was still feeling pretty sad and icky. My tummy has... not been happy with food. I'm not... digesting well. I'm still very sleepy, despite sleeping about 10 hours a night. Yesterday and today I've had pretty bad headaches. And I'm still occasionally sneezing.
I guess I'm just depressed a lot lately. So much of my life still is out of my control and out of my ability to change or move forward. A professor put on a paper that I did that I seemed dedicated to school, but it's not so much that. It's that I'm dedicated to moving forward and getting my life back on track and school just seems the way to do that. But I still question if that's really helping. School is becoming boring and tiresome and I really hate doing these dumb projects. I no longer have fun in class. I no longer look forward to seeing people in class. I just want it over. I want to be in a happy, or at least somewhat happy job. But these steps seem meaningless. I've completed classes, I've passed tests, I've gotten certificates, yet they don't seem to help my ability to get a job. Worse still, there aren't any jobs to apply to, so noone even sees what I've accomplished. The number of postings is still appallingly low, and if I can find a few places to put out resumes to in a week that's a big deal now.
I still have hope. I still think long-term. But for now, particularly right now, things don't seem to be getting any better. Things are still sad. My life is still very limited. And while I can occasionally get a game or movie and get caught up on things in an effort to try and keep sane, overall I still feel that I'm still slipping further and further behind on life, barely able to afford the most critical of items.
Day 676 - 5/8 - Sad for me
Today I was sad. It's good news for C&H, as C may be pregnant, but sad news for me as that means my 6-9 month timer may already be ticking away. She doesn't trust the home pregnancy test, so nothing is positive yet. I can hope that they wub me enough to not put me out if they are. After all, there is room in their garage for me to go out to sleep at night. There would be space for my computer in the living room still if they don't move the one in the office out, and with H having seizures I am a pretty good helper to have around for free. I don't do much, but with even things like taking out the trash being a potential time H could fall down, having another person around during a pregnancy and shortly after could be more helpful than not. Just the other day H went in to put away a glass in the kitchen. When he came back he paused at the corner of the couch. Then I looked away and heard a fwump as he just fell over. No reason, just paused then fwump. I was like 'uuhhh... whut?' and went outside to tell C that H fell down.
I guess a lot can change in 6 months, and I always remain hopeful, but so far my life has been very poopy lately. No shining diamonds have yet been found in the rough, save for bits of wisdom found in these ramblings; and who knows how many will find those useful. I seem a misfit with a very rare and unsought skill set. While it is always possible someone will find me and I may yet shine and do ok, more and more I wonder if I am doomed to continue my cursed life forever.
I now feel sad I spent the $100 on games instead of keeping it for savings. I had tons of fun with the Dragon Age expansion and Mass Effect 2 today, and expect to get a chance to play the Conduit soon. Of course I wonder if it really matters that I'm sad I spent it. It likely is better that I did. It gives me a little glimmer of fun and hope in an otherwise extremely dark time in my life. I'd still need over $2,000 to move in somewhere with a minimal monthly income of $1200 a month after taxes. Having zero saved and roughly $400 a month income after taxes I'm nowhere even remotely close to being able to recover - with our without that $100.
Well, I continue along Fate's path. I still have no idea if I'm going the right way, how long this journey will last, or if I'm simply doomed. I feel so much sadness in my life now, see so much around me, and fear that I see much more in store for me in the coming days.
Day 677 - 5/9 - The rain returns
It's nearing 10:30 at mini work. I didn't get much sleep last night or this morning. I got maybe 5 or so hours last night. While I had just over one hour I could have napped here I was interrupted by someone coming in 1/2 hour early. I said they were super early and she said 'they usually come in and watch the older kids'. I was all 'um... noone comes in for another half an hour.' I have no idea what she was thinking or remembering. While I've only been coming here a few months recently, noone has ever been here and playing before 10:30. Last year the guy did do a trial period for a few weeks with a morning group of older kids, but he quickly dropped it because noone ever showed up.
I'm super tired. I don't expect anything interesting to happen today. I'll likely just continue to be sad about my life, do a few school things while here, and try and have fun and forget my worries by playing games later.
It was raining again this morning. It poured for a bit but now it's cleared up again. I think it's supposed to keep storming for a bit. Normally that's a pretty happy change, but with my depression lately that just seems sad. I guess at least I'm not still in a leaky car with my stuff and me getting soaked. Yet still, I'm not in a permanent home and always worried that my life seems to not be getting any better.
When I was curled up for a nap I thought of times I had to seek sanctuary at my other work site. All the homeless feelings came back and it felt like I was back to being in my car and I was just hiding at work. I wonder how long it will be before I truly stop feeling homeless and displaced. I wonder if it will take years. I wonder if I can ever truly feel at home somewhere again.
Day 678 - 5/10 - Tick tock
Today was sad, but I suppose happy too. C&H confirmed that C is pregnant. So it's like yea for baby. But at the same time, it's like what will happen to me? I've got 6 months at most before they would need the area I'm staying in. I suppose they may still offer me garage space to sleep and some inside space during the day, but I don't know.
I certainly don't want to hinder anyone's progress. People are moving forward with their lives, with family, with jobs, finding love, yet my life stands still.
I don't really know what to say for today. With the looming threat of being totally homeless and in my car again nothing else I did today seems important or worthy of talking about. My feelings of being scared for my future are again starting to return. Nearly two years now and I'm still in no better a position to be re-established. I'm still earning only enough to barely squeak by. I still have found no new people to help me. And nothing I do seems to be genuinely improving my chances.
I suppose tomorrow is yet another new day, another new chance for everything to change. But will it? I still wonder if it ever will. I hope Fate shows me the way. But now, for now all I can do is try and sleep.
Day 679 - 5/11 - Living for them
It's very late, past my bedtime. H went to bed very early for him at just past midnight. I would have gone to try and sleep then too, but after C&H go to bed is really the only time I have to be alone and have something resembling my own life. It's the only time I can have the lights off around me and just be me and my game. I can float in a space that is neither here, there, now, or before. It's the only time I can really feel like who I really am, at least the private time me.
I live my life for them. With my gaming and hardware stuff I live for you guys. My life is about doing research on what's good and trying to make good recommendations so you guys have a better time gaming. Yeah, there are some benefits to me in that I know what's the best hardware for me too, but mostly I live for others. It's the same in my jobs too. I've always been looking for jobs where I could help others; either sparing them some kind of pain, or just helping them along a bit. Maybe if I would have known about that much earlier in my life I could have done something about it. I tried to fit where I thought I had strong skills, but now after years of trying to find a job I really wonder if that mattered most. It seems when you are starting a career, starting a life in the job market, that what matters most is that you find a good fit for what you enjoy. Had I found that then I think the experience would have followed easily. I would have built up a resume and progressed along a path I was happy with. Money may not have been amazing, but it certainly would have flowed easier than it has. Now... now I wonder if I'm held back too much by my lack of a strong history. My past looks like a sampling of a half-dozen teenagers after a few years of being in a job. I have no real solid gains in any one field. The fields I'm trying to get into won't take me because I'm obviously older, certainly not the recent college graduate they would otherwise normally consider.
I don't regret living my life for others. It helps me to feel helpful and like I'm contributing when I help, even if it's only a little. But I wonder, now that I've fallen so far and noone seems to really be helping me to get back up will I ever recover, will I ever be able to help myself, or is the old proverb of you live for others or you live for yourself true. Must I crush people along my path in order to help me? That's not the kind of guy I am, yet it seems there is no middle ground.
I guess I've always lived my life for others. I want to help people. I like helping people. I love working on my site and helping people better enjoy their lives. But looking at my life, seeing how much my site helps everyone but me these days, I wonder if I will ever be able to help myself. So far it doesn't look like I can.
Week 98
Day 680 - 5/12 - An odd night's not sleep
Last night and this morning was odd. I wasn't really tired so I didn't fall asleep until after 4 AM. For some reason I woke up at just past 10, so I got just over 6 hours of sleep. It seems very odd since lately I've been getting 9-10 hours.
My stupid Monday professor returned basically all the assignments I've done so far; nearly 20 pages of writing and I have to redo most of it. Seriously? It's just now half way through the semester and she's making me redo what is effectively double the amount of writing that I should do in the entire semester? I'm glad this is her last semester because she needs her head examined. She's got us doing way too much work and her standards are so high that most students are needing to redo work. I'm all for making students work to get a concept down, but that's not what she's doing. She's basically making people nitpick on unimportant details to fluff up the papers. She says stuff like 'I want more than a few sentences describing x.' Seriously? If a few sentences describe x concisely why should I and others make it say x + y when x alone will suffice? I don't know, it's lame. I expect it will take all of my Friday and Sunday shifts to do that junk. I'm so tired of it.
Tomorrow should be fun though. I can sleep in if I'm not disturbed by sounds. I can play my games. I can look for jobs. I won't worry about school junk; I'm already overly stressed about that all the time from being overworked with projects in that one class.
I've got an odd life lately. I don't really have a place here at C&H's, yet it's the only place I can be. I have my games, yet I'm playing ones everyone else has already played because I'm so far behind. I can watch my shows, yet I'm still gimped by needing to watch them on a smaller screen with headphones. My poor ears are so tired of needing to wear headphones all the time.
I don't know. I feel happier than I have in recent days because I have more to be happy about, yet more depressed than I've ever been. I've been seen the bad times of my being homeless and now while I'm on the folding bed and still displaced I see those days looming over me, threatening to return. It seems more and more control over my life is slipping through my fingers and there is nothing I can do about it.
Day 681 - 5/13 - People wub me
It's late, much later than I originally thought. It seems the kitchen clock I've been using to gauge the time by was off by about 30-45 minutes. So when I checked at just before 1 and said, 'well, I'll just play a bit longer,' I should have actually gone to bed. It's now nearly 2:30 because the clock showed the wrong time.
I had a good enough day I suppose, though I think I've been sick. All day I was sneezing and eating almost non-stop. I probably ate 3-4 times as much as normal (though I drank only 10-20% more). I got up, took a shower, did 15 minutes of Wii Fit, checked boards, put out one job application, checked fun boards, and played my games.
A few people online asked if I was ok and all. I do still have a place to sleep, a place to cook and shower, so that's good. Though I'm still dreadfully short on money to do things I need to do and am nowhere close to moving anywhere permanent.
C&H cooked me a dinner too. For once in what seems like forever I didn't have to worry about cooking a real meal. (Other nights they do pizza, which I also don't have to worry about cooking, but that's different.)
I suppose not a terribly eventful day, and while incredibly fun it wasn't how I'd have spent it if I were alone. Nothing to really complain about I suppose. I'm happy talking on boards and playing my games. But still, I long for the days when I can also watch TV, or have quiet space to do school stuff, or to commit to longer online game activities and play without headphones, to have a sweetie and spend time with her, to have a child to spend time with... I love gaming. It's a big part of who I am. Same with reading about or talking on boards about (PC) hardware. But life has so much more waiting for me. It would be nice if I were in a position to sample more of what there is.
Day 682 - 5/14 - Possible return to the street
My netbook power cable is on the fritz. A few times now it's caused the system to short and shut down. It's only charging when the cable is placed in one exact alignment, even a few degrees off and I get no charge or it surges. My system is now completely out of power. I'll probably have to order a new one. I guess all this time in my pack has caused the cable to crimp in a few places and that's likely what did it. If I order a new one I'll only use it at the house. I found the angle to charge, though it took several tries over the past hour and a half, so I'll let it charge for about half an hour then turn it back on and try and do a take home test. Either way, I backed up my critical stuff on a flash drive, so I can do school stuff on my desktop if the netbook can't get enough charge again. (It takes about 3+ hours while off to get fully charged.)
Nothing of interest happened today. I played my games and that was about it. Oh, there was this huge bee's nest on one of the doors at work. How they got there is beyond me because you'd think someone would notice before it got to the several feet around that it did. Someone came and killed them. I was sad for the bees. I found one inside later struggling to move around and I put him somewhere safe outside. He probably didn't live much longer though.
Guess that's all for today. I put out some resumes this week, so that was good, but looking for jobs is still incredibly slow/barren and I still wonder if all this class stuff is helping at all.
Time passes
I got word from C that they want to change the room I'm in much much sooner than I'd anticipated. I'm not really sure why, but then I don't have kids. She says she wants to start converting it in about a month and a half. When I got the news I felt like crying and running away. She says they don't want to put me out, but since they will be making this a baby room that the most they could offer for sleeping is the couch, if others aren't staying over. She did not mention putting me in the garage to sleep, likely because it isn't something that occurs to regular people. She also didn't mention my computer stuff. She did mention my cloths could go to the garage, but said nothing about the computer. It would make me super dreadfully sad if I lost my games again and had to go back to my netbook as my main system. It would be logical for her to keep her system in the room it's in, even with the nursery stuff, as she's running a buisness from home. (Well, hopes to.) There would be plenty of space in the room for her computer desk, another desk she uses, and a crib, changing table, dresser, and even a play pen in the middle of the room. I don't know though. She may see my computer here as just playing and a luxury since it doesn't take long to look for jobs and playing is mostly what I use my system for.
I feel like I'm losing me again. I knew it was temporary here but the thought of going back to just my netbook, having to put my computer back in storage, not really feeling welcome around the house because they are moving on with a family... it makes me so sad. Playing my games, watching my movies and shows, cooking foods, working on my site; these are the things that are most important to me, the things that let me express me. While it's true most would describe me as kind, emotional, compassionate, caring, generous when possible, and these traits will still define me, it is my stuff and being able to play with / use that makes me feel like me. My traits and qualities will always persist, they are expressed all the time, but when I'm alone in the night, when I'm trying to rest and find peace, it is my things around me being accessible that makes me feel like me. It's like a loving embrace that says, "Look around. You are here, and you have a place you belong." Being told I'll soon need to put my things away again... it feels like I'm losing myself all over again. And, like every other time over the past two years, I wonder if I will ever truly find a home and place to truly be me ever again.
Day 683 - 5/15 - A possible garage life
It's late, time for bed, but it's actually earlier than normal because I have to get up way too early to work in the morning. I basically finished my take home final, so all that's left are polishing touches, which should easily be done in the time I'll have at work. I also got the plug set up to get the netbook to full charge, so I won't have to worry about it running out while I do important stuff.
C replied and, as I thought, putting me in the garage is possible. She said they would even try and make an official space for me so I could set up my computer in there if I wanted. She said she felt it would be too cold as is and they want to line it with insulator, but I don't know how feasible that is. It certainly could be done, but when talking about a whole garage that sounds like something that would be prohibitively expensive. I guess we'll see soon enough. Changes will start happening in about a month and a half, and I can stay on the couch if I lose the office sleeping space in the meantime. I struggle these days with allergies. My body is sneezing a lot and constantly congested and holding extra weight from stress, so I'm not sure how well sleeping out on the couch will go. We'll see what happens as time progresses. With the changes though I may finally have a real chances at some kind of recovery. It certainly won't be great. It certainly won't be a lot of space. But space enough to sleep and have my system set up, in a place free from animals and where I have privacy... maybe that will finally allow myself to consider my homeless times as over. It would not be an ideal and true home in the traditional sense, but my fears and wandering could be at an end. Then the only question that will remain is, how long will it be before I can have true recovery and be back in a real home.
Day 684 - 5/16 - Early workin'
It's super late to be going to bed, but I wanted to stay up for a bit to play my game. I didn't necessarily have a bad day. I did have to get up way too early to do a work shift and I couldn't sleep there due to interruptions. I probably only got about 5 hours of sleep and will get about 6.5 tonight if I'm lucky. After work I grabbed food I needed at the store then basically spent the rest of the day playing various games. I don't know why but I just felt like playing until late. I think it was because I have to stay up later than C&H to get quiet alone time. If they are up the TV or games are going and bla bla is happening in the background. Although I can put on headphones and sort of be in my own space, it isn't until they go to bed that I can be in a quiet / private space.
C said they were cleaning out the garage a bit today. I'd guess to make room for baby stuff and me. It will likely be a very long project.
I wish I didn't have to put them out like this. I wish I had a happy job with enough hours and enough pay. I wish I could be in my own place with my own choices and limitations. Though not a terrible life, what happens around me, what I can choose to be a part of, what I'm allowed to be a part of, is still very much not under my control.
Day 685 - 5/17 - Gotta pee
I felt pretty good today, happyish even. It was a very long day though. I got up at about 9:40 to go to work, then had a few hours of show watching, then class. I only got to play for about 1/2 hour. Still, I feel happier and maybe more content(?) then I have in quite a while. I did fall asleep for just a few minutes at work and during a video in class.
I think I'm fighting off a cold though. I've been sneezing and a touch dizzy. Most oddly though I've felt like I need to pee, but don't actually need to. Also, I've felt pretty hungry and eaten more than usual. Half or more of the time I try and pee and didn't. It's like my body is giving me mixed signals. Another odd thing is that a few times when trying to sleep lately I've noticed myself gasping, as if I still have that extreme difficulty breathing at times. That may be extreme congestion or just odd resting habits. I'm not exactly sure yet. I'm hoping it's all just a cold, current stresses, and/or lack of sleep. I hope it isn't a deeper issue. It reminds me that I still haven't set up an appointment to check my ankle.
Well, not much new to say as nothing has really changed today. Really this body oddness is the only thing new. Maybe something interesting will come up tomorrow before the close of the fail week. Hope everyone out there is doing ok and are happy. Bye for now.
Day 686 - 5/18 - Feeling sick
It's late. I kind of wanted to try and get to sleep early but I'm sick. I'm still struggling for breath / wheezing and I've been drinking a ton of liquids. My throat and lungs feel like they were burnt by a hot sandstorm then covered over by a thin layer of mud to cool it. I don't know if I can make it to class tomorrow. With raspy breath and constantly drinking and peeing that's not a good state for a student to be in. I had some pretty crazy dreams this morning, possibly fever dreams. Those are often an early sign of my being super sick. Hopefully I'll get over it quickly. Aside from my lungs and throat being torn up, a touch of dizziness, ears ringing a bit, not being able to smell or taste, I feel just about normal.
Nothing new to speak of other than that. I'll hop in bed and hope to get good sleep. Night peeps.
