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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 2: Rise of teh Bunnah

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 83

Day 575 - 1/27 - Just another face in the crowd

It's just past 1:30, lunchie time. I only recently got up at about 12:45. My sick self is still sleeping in quite a bit. I don't know how long it's been since I got up after noon. I suppose it's good that I have the luxury to do that, what with my not working, but then again if I were working (more) I likely wouldn't be in my car and most certainly be over my cold. I'm still sick; plugged up and sore and ringing ears, congestion, not too much coughing but a tough of sneezing now. The clouds are not as thick as they have been and it hasn't rained since yesterday, so maybe the rain is finally clearing. After lunch I'll do some stuff online and see about doing reading for my classes. What with this terrible cold and not being able to afford books and stuff I haven't been able to do anything for either class yet save for showing up.

I saw the cutie Kelly just now. I haven't seen her in I don't know how long. She didn't even glance towards me. It isn't really surprising. She said she had a bad memory for people and I really was never more than just a face in the crowd to her. That seems to be the way of my life. People don't have any interest in me because I'm not connected to their circle of friends. I'm still the outsider noone is letting in or taking an interest in. I suppose, unlike high school, there is no real connection felt. In high school the clicks watch other clicks. They see who is interacting how and make new invitations for people to join them. Outside... if you aren't in the circle you will likely never get in it seems. Maybe it's not true though. Maybe the world has simply changed since I was in high school. Maybe it is and it is connected to a feeling of possibilities and discovering who you are - the closer to a solid path you have the less likely you are to invite someone into your circle withouth a shared conflict or experience.

But what about those of us who are lost and alone? Are we doomed to be so from then on? I continue to float along alone lost in a sea of nothing.

Time passes

My life seems to be weighing down on me extra heavily today. It seems no matter what I do I'm failing. I tried to do studying but neither class has a book on reserve that I can borrow. I tried to print a coupon and directions to get my car smoged but I didn't even have the $0.30 on my school card to do that nor the spare cash to charge it up. (Let alone the money to really afford the $40-50 for the test and $72 to register the car to begin with.) I tried to look for jobs but none were posted. I thought about getting February's system builds started but some new parts I was going to consider aren't on the market yet. And as has happened several times now, another very cool game I want to play has launched and I can't play it.

All I wanted today was to be somewhere quiet, somewhere private that I could rest, where I had someone to care for me and tell me not to worry about dinner, to be in a position I didn't have to worry about school or work.

I don't know if it's my lingering cold, my sad life, or just overwhelming feelings of depression lately. I'm so very tired all the time. Most of the time I'm so very sad.

Everyone's life progresses, or at the very least moves on. Everyone but me. It doesn't bother me so much that it's me that's left behind. Yes it's sad, particularly for me, but what I don't understand is how does it happen. How is it that I can have noone in my life that truly cares about me who can provide help? How is it that everyone is left behind by others or they have blinders on and pretend the bad things aren't happening to someone they know. I could understand more if it were a stranger, particularly someone in another country, but those right nearby to me all the time, those around me who know; why is it they don't offer help? Do they feel incapable of helping? Are they afraid they themselves would be hurt somehow? Or is it that I'm wrong about people and that most simply lack the emotional capacity to truly care about people and look beyond the temporary material things?

As always my questions may never be answered, but hopefully they will help you regardless to understand yourselves and others more.

Day 576 - 1/28 - Cut it out; beware the mold

It's 2:30 and I'm nomming lunch. Several things to talk about today. I guess I'll go in order by time. I got up around 11 at the school sleeping spot and I decided to tear out the wet car liner. It was the most horrid sewer stench I've ever smelt. While the topmost layer was mostly dry the under pad was soaked, and some parts even muddy and swamp like, so it's a good thing I tore it out. I investigated under the seats and while it seemed mostly dry there was minor indications of very small mold colonies. Later when I get back to my car I'll try and get rid of all of the liner to be sure. The problem is that I don't think I can get much more out, as the seats seem to be pinning the liner down in some spots. I may have to beg the college automotive department to take my seats out in order to remove it. While the cold doesn't have traditional mold symptoms that I'm familiar with I would rather get it out to be sure. I'm sure it isn't helping my health.

After leaving my car I checked in with the nurse doctor person. She said my ears did indeed not appear better - she calls them "angry" - but she said my lungs were clear and there is no danger to my something somethings in my ears, so permanent hearing loss or damage is not a risk. She extended my prescription and we set up an appointment for Wednesday. If my ears aren't better by then she said she will refer me somewhere for a second opinion and to get a different, apparently expensive, medication for teh free/cheap.

I checked on my paycheck deposit and it is surprisingly low, about 20% below what it should be. It's likely the person who filled out my time card didn't get all of my hours. Even with all of my hours though I still don't know how I'm going to manage to pay for the $45+ smog check, $72 registration, $35+ for class registration, and other things I need to pay for. That alone leaves me with roughly $50 for everything else after adjustment. Split out a very conservative $20 for gas that leaves $30 for food for two weeks, or approximately $2 a day. I don't see how I could manage on that. That's one big soup for the day for all of my food and really nothing more.

I have my tax thing from work so I can do that (I've been forgetting), but I doubt I'll get any kind of refund nor that it would happen quickly enough to save me.

The sky is actually blue today and the clouds are finally leaving. Despite all of my troubles and my horrible life I feel hopeful today. I feel like despite seeing no way out that things will be ok and somehow work out for the best. Maybe it's just because I've seen a half dozen extremely beautiful and attractive girls today. That always cheers me up. Well, almost always.

I'll report more later if anything else develops. I have my car liner project I want to try and finish, my taxes if I remember, and a bit of play time, so something interesting may develop to talk about later. Bye for now.

Time passes

Bad news, bad news, good news, could be good news... Biggest bad news is that it looks like my short paycheck is likely correct. I think it covers a different two weeks than I originally thought. Other bad news; my cute little mouse is dead. It fails to work 90% of the time. I've had to use my big clunky mouse for a few days now. It's odd that over years of using it that it just doesn't feel right anymore. Good news; I was wrong about my tax return. It will be over $600, woot! I figure $200 will go to reestablishing a savings, $50ish for an overdue oil change, and the rest potentially saved for a system upgrade. Though I may take $150 and get an external Blu-ray player and a few movies. With only about $400 total for a system upgrade (+$200 after selling my netbook) I'm still about $300 from having enough to upgrade, which at the rate I've been going is a long long ways away. I'll think about it and investigate it more in the coming weeks. I also managed to get rid of 85% of the car interior carpet on the passenger side. There was even more sludge yuck than I thought there would be. Hopefully that got rid of the moldy yuck that was hurting me. It took a long time to do it because it kicked eeew into the air once I started doing it and I coughed and hacked anytime I got near the car. Once it was done though and the bits were thrown away I aired out the car and let it air out on the way here (to the mall) and the air smelled fresh and mold free. So hopefully it won't cause me any more trouble. Once it's totally dry on that side I'll move stuff over and try and do the driver's side. I have covers for the passenger side front area that I've been using, and I may find more at work to cover the back, so hopefully that will turn out ok.

Exciting stuff. The question is though, with only about $30 or so for food and gas total will I make it until the refund comes. It's supposed to be "7 to 14 days" so that may be ok. I'm going to be treading on very thin ice until it comes though, like millimeter thick gonna snap and drop me into the frozen lake below at any second kind.

Hopefully everything will turn out ok in time.

Day 577 - 1/29 - Words unspoken

It's about 2:15 and I'm having lunch on an empty campus. So far today I watched Burn Notice and tried to look for a laptop upgrade, particularly ones with Blu-ray as I have my doubts my netbook could handle an external player. Sadly things really are in the $850+ range, maybe $700 if I go with something refurbished, so my options are really limited. I'll likely just have to wait until I have more money and more systems that qualify filter into the sale bins (due to being outdated by newer models.) I'm more worried about my current lack of money though. Doing more calling around it seems because my car is an "older car", being a 1992, an extra fee will apply to smog, making it closer to $70 at most places. That plus registration plus about $10 in food tonight and my paycheck is completely gone. The mandatory car stuff is going to eat a ton of my tax return money. I'll have to just wait on any kind of upgrades and hold on to what is left as best as I can.

I guess I slept ok. I was worried it would be a lot colder with the reduction in carpeting and not using the seals to plug the holes in my back cover but things weren't too bad. I did cough and smell the mold when I got in my car, so it may linger on for a few days. I'll drop my blankets at the ex-house to reduce exposure, maybe that will help. It seems sunny and "warm" out so hopefully I can put the car in the sun over the weekend and help burn out the mold. I'll try and get rid of a bit more interior over the coming days as well, but it should be clear of the bad stuff.

I don't know what to do about my monies. I'm so sad and worried I won't have enough. Car stuff at $150 and school stuff at like $35 is more than I have. I asked the not-sis for help but she hasn't replied yet. I don't know what I'll do if she can't give me a short-term loan to cover me until I get my refund.

I guess it's nothing new. My life is backwards life right now and I have no control over anything.

Time passes

It's late, after 11:15 at night. I'm in the sleeping spot hiding, having a tasty dessert snack to cheer myself up a bit. It rained in the evening, only for a few hours but when I got to my car after mini work there was about a 1" deep puddle. If that is how much leaked in after only a few hours it doesn't surprise me that things got so bad.

Off in the distance I can hear a party. Once upon a time I'd have covered my ears and pulled the covers extra high over my head wishing they would shoosh so I could sleep. Now I worry if it means there will be heightened activity in the area and that someone will catch me in my car.

I find myself wishing for a good friend tonight; the kind who says, "Come stay with me until you are better. Not just over your cold, but better overall, for you are my friend. I care about you deeply, but most of all my life would be less without you in it." Maybe those are words only a lover or parent would say, or a very best friend, but tonight I find myself wondering if anyone has ever said that to me. Obviously they haven't said it in those words, only a very few are in touch with their feelings and honest enough to say it like that. But I can't think of a time anyone has ever said that. I don't know how many have had someone say it to them, but I'd bet we all have people in our life like that, ones we don't realize we will miss until it's too late, until they are gone.

Don't let that happen. Realize and be honest with yourself about who you miss because they make you happy, think, feel, or care. Let them know they are important and most of all help them when they are down. Work past the trivial everyday things to what is deeper. Look to their soul and that which is eternal, those things they always do that make them who they are. Those are the things you can never get back once they are lost forever.

Day 578 - 1/30 - Still sleeping late

It's after 5 and I'm about to head off to the not-sis' for the night. Not much new today. I played WoW for a bit and that's really it so far. I slept until almost noon, so most of the day so far was spent sleeping. I'm still sleepy. My eyes are still plugged and ringing, but they seem slightly less plugged, so maybe they are getting better. The passenger seat side gets way too wet when it leaks to use the trick I previously did. I guess the carpet/mat was soaking up about 4x as much water as I saw, so I can't use the trick as any leak causes that area to be flooded with water now (since there is no longer anything to soak it up.) Thankfully it's only rained once since I did, but I slept on the driver's side to be safe. I may do that more until I get them to reseal the window. The not-sis couldn't help with monies, so I had to put out a general call for help. I have my doubts anyone will help though, which is not good as I have more things I need to pay for by Friday than I have money. (And I have no clue what to do if my car doesn't pass smog for some reason.)

Guess that's it so far. As usual my life is a waiting game that's out of my control.

Day 579 - 1/31 - A day at the not-sis'

It's late. I'm about to leave the not-sis' place. Since the mall closes early on Sunday I've stayed all day at the not-sis'. I started the morning getting rid of most of what was left of the car liner. The only bit left should be in a zero risk area. I'll get that later. Basically the day was spent with me playing a bit in the morning while they all went out shopping, the kids did a chore or two, then we watched some shows online. The not-sis is getting the kids to check out old-school shows. They are currently hooked on A-Team and Macgyver. I've discovered that my allergies are almost completely the cause of one specific kitty. If that kitty isn't around, which most of the time he's outside, then I'm not so bad and can stay pretty long. Of course I've also been sick for a while now and I may simply be unable to notice my allergic reactions.

Guess that's all. Not much happened to talk about. These visits do remind me that I miss having friends to see and do stuff with. I can hang out with C&H too, but at $7 a visit they aren't in my price range to regularly hang out with while I'm only working roughly 8 hours a week.

That's it for now. K thx bye.

Day 580 - 2/1 - What's with the mold?

At mini work now. I was starving this morning so I'm eating early. It's good to see my appetite returning. However, I've eaten about 85-90% of my lunch and I'm full. So while my urge to eat is returning how much I do actually eat still seems reduced. My liquid intake is still about 20% higher than normal, so I guess my body is still mostly getting what it needs. It would be nice to weigh myself and see if I've lost weight, as I'm pretty sure I have, but the scale at school is broken.

Something is up with my car; could still be something going on with mold. When I get in there and try and sleep I start to cough and my throat feels scratchy pretty quickly. It still smells a bit funky too. I don't understand what could be the issue though as nearly everything that seemed bad is gone. I'd hate to think it were something in the seats, as those can only be fixed by heat burning out whatever moldy stuff may be in there. There just isn't the weather these days for that to happen. After work I'll spend a few dollars to use the vacuum stall and vacuum it out. Maybe it's just the high amount of dirt and stuff left over that was under the carpets. I hadn't planned on doing a wash this week due to lack of money, but I'm actually going to do the reverse and very thoroughly wash and dry everything to be sure if any mold is in my cloths and such it's burnt outa there as best as possible.

I don't know what will happen today, but I expect it will be a regular day of laundry and going to the mall. I'll check for jobs and play, then go to school to shower before they close. The other day I put out a panicked call for help due to all the car costs leaving me nothing for food/gas/anything else and so far only C&H said they should be able to help. They are checking into it. It boggles my mind that others didn't even offer lower amounts of help, but I guess I have to just assume it's because they can't actually afford to help and not because they don't want to help poor homeless sad me.

Guess that's all for now. K thx bye.

Day 581 - 2/2 - Oops, nothing will be left

It's around 12:30 and I'm nomming cheap lunch at the mall. It's one of those times I didn't feel like I belonged on campus. I did shower there and saw several beautiful girls. Which today, as it sometimes does, made me sad; sad that I'm single, sad that I have no money, sad I have no home, but most of all sad that I don't have those freedoms to look and dress the way I want. It wouldn't take much to get my dress style (and teeth) to a level I'd be happy with, but it would take far more than I currently have.

I won't have hardly anything left of my return for a system upgrade. When I was driving around the other day with blurry vision I remembered that it's time for my yearly eye exam. That's something like $200, leaving me with an estimated $200 to save up for upgrades if I'm lucky.

I'm so tired of being in this position of being homeless. I don't understand why it's happening to me for so long. I understand how, but not why. People I know and see around me are all getting new jobs, new friends, upgrading stuff in their lives; yet I can find no jobs, no friends, and most weeks I'm lucky to afford something not soup twice a week and upgrades only come once in a rare while via gift money. Again it seems like I'm the sin eater - the only one suffering.

Time passes

It's just after 5:15 and I'm nomming dinner before class. I'm still pretty sad today. I don't know if it's general sadness about my life or still being sick. It's likely a bit of both. It may be too that tonight is yet another end of a fail week and nothing has changed. I'm still sad. I'm still sick. Things are still falling apart. Despite putting out a few resumes lately I've gotten zero interviews. Nights, for the most part, are still spent alone, in fear, in the cold.

On my way from the mall I was followed by a sheriff for about a half mile. My registration does run out this month, so I wonder if he was trying to catch me being bad to check it. As far as I know you can't be pulled over for it unless it's past its month. It isn't due until the 8th, but unless C&H can help I won't be able to pay for it by then. (Unless my tax refund comes by then, which is unlikely.)

I've decided to take my PS3 to the not-sis'. That will get us access to all my Blu-ray movies. It will also get me access to my few games I have on there, so that could be fun. (I have two downloaded games I play.) I don't know yet if it would be via old-school connections to her old-school TV, completely gimping its uberness, or if we'll go through my monitor that I hooked up for them a few weeks ago, my receiver, and my 5.1 speaker set. I sent her a message asking which she wanted to do, but there's no reply yet.

I guess this week again ends on a low note. I'm still a bit sick. I'm still unable to pay everything I need to that's about to go critical and get me in a lot of trouble. I'm still sad and lonely most of the time. I'm still an invisible face in the crowd, even among those who once knew me it seem. I'm still sleeping in the cold in fear. And there is no progress on jobs.

Don't know what to say but I'm sad and wonder if I will ever get my life back.

Week 84

Day 582 - 2/3 - Tech addict

It's just past 12:45 and I'm nomming lunch. It took 15 fricken minutes to micro my food.

Last night was a bit odd. I didn't know if the sleeping spot was safe or not. It's like 'are there people here at the church, are there not, I don't know. They almost always have a meeting the first Wednesday of the month, so I usually have to go in late as it is, but last night I wasn't sure if it was safe or not. Since I was coughing I didn't want to sit around in the cold and wait to find out. I decided to grab my PS3 and take it over to the not-sis' place. They had a bunch of baby chicks they are going to raise so I checked them out. They are so cute. They will eat the eggs and eventually nom the chickens, so that's a bit sad. While I am a meat eater I would have a hard time loving a critter that I would be killing and nomming later.

I woke up a bit earlier than I needed to leave, so I had some breakfast, updated my site (I couldn't last night), and hooked up the PS3 to my monitor and tested it out by playing a quick game of Blast Factor and watching a few trailers I have on the hard drive. Seems to be working just fine. I'll likely be hooking up the receiver and 5.1 sound, as that is really the best option. I think the not-sis' boy is as much of a tech addict as me because he wanted to play the game and was very anxious to see Speed Racer and Kung Fu Panda. Neither of us have seen Speed Racer recently and we both want to see it again. Once I'm set up there I can watch a few of my movies every few weeks, so that will be awesome. Also, when/if they go to church Sunday mornings I can play games like Savage Moon, or maybe someday God of War III. I can finally have a small fragment of my soul back.

I have about 1/2 hour until my checkup. I'm not really better. It seems like I'm maybe getting 1-3% better per day, but I still have sore ears, sounds are still distorted, I still am having trouble hearing, and I still have coughing fits. The fits seem to be related to the cold and stress/strain, like last night when leaving class I had a coughing fit. I had to completely stop walking and take deep breaths to calm myself down. Later, in the chick room at the not-sis', which is 100F in the hottest spot, I actually started to feel very clear and my throat seemed to clear up and be less scratchy. I have a feeling the doc will likely recommend I go to the other hospital that can see me for teh free and get me a stronger prescription. I'll mention the mold theory, and the seeming connection to temperature/strain. Maybe she will have other thoughts on what it could be. A steroid or antibiotic inhaler for the coughing fits would not surprise me.

Still no word from anyone on help. I need at least $100 by the weekend to cover the DMV registration and a minimal amount of food until I get paid. Phone and car insurance would go unpaid, but only phone is past due so far, so those may be ok to slide until a week from now.

I guess that's it so far. Maybe more news later. Bye for now.

Time passes

Om nom nom, teh dinner before class time. This may be one of the last meals I have depending on how much smog costs. I still haven't gotten any money help from anyone and I'm down to my last few dollars while keeping $70 in reserve for smog. I'll have nothing left but the gas in my car and one soup after this. I'll have to ask if C&H can help with at least $100 so I can do my registration before the weekend is up and have at least $3-4 per day for food. I'd have to ignore several late items but that would let me squeak by until Thursday when I get paid.

I saw the doc and she agreed my mold theory would only affect my lungs/throat/nose, so I was right that a mold theory likely isn't the cause. It may not be helping if it's indeed in the car, but it isn't the cause of my illness. The cause still remains somewhat a mystery. We have another appointment set for next week and she gave me an inhaler. We didn't discuss that before, as I forgot about my asthma. I only need an inhaler once a year or less, so times like now when they would help prevent my cough fits I tend to forget that I don't have one. So, now I do and I'll do its dosage today and see if that helps. I'll keep it to use as needed in the future when I get an attack.

That's really all that's new. I've been trying to relax today and forget the nearly $200 in stuff that is going critical as I have no way to pay more than a very small part before I'm paid Thursday. Tomorrow things will get back into motion and I'll see about the smog test.

Well... hopefully tonight will go smoother with the inhaler should I need it and I'll start to get better quicker.

Guess that's it for today.

Day 583 - 2/4 - Decision to eat the fines

It's late, around 9. My night's plans have changed. I was originally going to leave the mall and come to school and set up in the cafeteria for a bit, but it is now pouring rain. I'll just sit in the car in the shelter of the covered lot until I "go to bed". I'll write a bit, be sad for a bit, and just wait.

I almost got the smog check today. Fate played a hand and it was an hour wait before it could have been done. I decided to pass and do it later. Upon looking at my DMV registration I noticed being late, while bad, doesn't appear to be insanely super horrible. There is an additional $20, so it goes from $72 to $92, but that isn't so bad for what would effectively be a 10-day extension. By doing that I can keep the $75 currently in my wallet for food, school, etc., and spend the $70+92 on car stuff in about a week when my paycheck comes, or wait until my $600+ tax return comes. Since there is no alteration of the smog price based on time it would be best to simply wait.

C&H wanted to help, but their money hasn't come yet. The not-sis would have helped, but she didn't have enough spare. It still boggles my mind that noone else offered even just a little bit of help. Heck, here I am homeless, not even making $100 a week sometimes, and I'm still helping out people outside of stores asking for donations now and then with at least a little bit of change.

The inhaler seems to have completely stopped the cough. I did it again today too and I think I've only coughed half a dozen times all day total. My appetite, while still reduced overall, is returning. I ate dinner in an almost normal amount of time. Smell of mold or whatever in the car is fading and has a greatly reduced effect on me.

I've had a lot of trouble sleeping lately. I think it started almost a week ago. I can't usually fall asleep until after 1. I don't know if it's because I don't feel safe, if it's due to my illness, worries about money, cold, worry about the rain, worry about being caught, or what. The past few nights I've gotten cramps too. First it was the left side of my neck, and last night it got me in the middle of my spine and lower ribs, as if I were crushed by a giant.

I've been very sad about my life. I'm putting out 2-6 resumes a week, so that is improving, but the lack of replies may be increasing my depression. Of course the cold weather really doesn't help, as it's yet another thing holding me back.

With my PS3 now set up I can at least get a small fragment of my life back. I can get Final Fantasy Xiii and God of War III next month with some of the tax return money. I'll likely get a movie or two, but after that I have no idea how much more I can recover. While it gets me potential access once a week to things I have it is still only once a week. I think it could take forever to finish my games only being able to play 3 hours a week or less. Heck, if the not-sis plays FFXiii I fully expect her to finish long before I do since she can play at any time.

I don't know what to make of my life lately. I know people care and worry about me, but only a few seem willing to help, yet are really kind of unable to, and the rest seem uninterested in helping at all for whatever reason. I'm putting out applications, yet I'm getting no replies. I'm advancing my college classes and credentials, yet it doesn't seem to matter.

Last night as I was parking in the sleeping spot I saw a stray kitty. I petted 'em for a bit and they were a sweetie. I'd seen that kitty before, maybe a month ago, and I thought about the kitty's life. While it's possible they are loved and kept by someone they lacked a collar, so I'm guessing they are a "stray". Yet they were healthy, friendly, looked clean, and while the kitty didn't seem to have anywhere to be their movements seemed to indicate they had places they could go. I told kitty to run along and find nice people to love 'em as I petted 'em. I thought of my life, as a human stray, put out and abandoned by my people. I would find things much more difficult. I wander, yet noone offers to feed, care for, or love me. Strangers ignore me, assuming I'm not a stray. Those who find out may wish me well, but they don't offer help. Stray kitties and doggies will easily find help, being seen as incapable of helping themselves at that moment. Yet me, who is in the same position, will be ignored or shunned as people secretly think something must be wrong with me to be in such a helpless position. The compassion given to the stray animals is not shown to the stray person. As always it seems very sad and very tragic to think this is how the world is. This is how at least my world is. And there seems to be no way to change it.

Day 584 - 2/5 - Slight relapse

It's 5:30 at mini work. Nothing really to say today save for I had a slight relapse of my cold last night. At around 5 AM I started coughing and felt a bit of the fever and ear pressure come back. I seem okish again now, though my ears are still funny and my throat still seems horrible.

The not-sis is going with the not 5.1 settings option, so that's sad, as I'll be limited to 2.1. I guess it's certainly more than nothing, as I'm currently unable to watch Blu-ray or play my PS3 at all, and if I could I'd be limited to my headphones. I am totally looking forward to watching movies in my collection I've been wanting to watch though.

I picked up some gift certificates the super boss left for me, so that will help a little with food. (I'd asked if payroll could advance me some money or speed up my deposit and this was all he could offer for help.) I picked up a book for one class to do an assignment. One of the jobs I applied to was canceled (the only reply from a job application I've gotten in months.) And that's really it for my day.

Bye for now.

Day 585 - 2/6 - Waking up with wet blankets

It's nearing 9:30 AM at the not-sis' place. I came over last night after work as there was a something going on where I normally sleep. I got here around midnight and the place was super dark with the outside light on, which seemed very unusual. It's the same now, which is also unusual as the dog didn't come out all night. I expect he's probably in the peep room with the family. They have locked the back door though, which is highly unusual. I'd wonder if they went somewhere, only a truck they borrow on Thursdays is still here, so they must be here. I expect they will wake up soon enough.

I woke up in a puddle at around 5 AM with a corner of my blankets so wet that I had to squeeze it out. The surprising thing is that I was on the driver's side. It seems both sides leak. The driver's side just leaks one drop for each bucket that the passenger's side does. It seems only the back seat is the only truly 'safe' spot in my car. I may have to consider sleeping back there.

Today will likely be hanging with the kids and watching movies and such, nothing special. But then with my sad life lately not having any of that it is very special indeed.

Day 586 - 2/7 - Little is big

Not much important in news. I spent the day at the not-sis' with her and her kids. I got them the Little Big Planet demo and their brains were exploding from fun. It's totally cute and fun to play. I'll have to get it when I get my tax refund money. I'll go ahead and trade FFXiii's spot, since that will likely take forever to finish since I only get a few hours a week to play. A few hours is plenty for Little Big Planet levels though.

It is totally sunny and warm. The night sky was soooo clear and the sky was full of stars. Maybe the rain is finally clearing.

Day 587 - 2/8 - Thwump-a-thump; seriously?

I was startled awake at the school spot by a thwump-a-thump sound and my car shaking. Seriously? I'm parked and someone hits me? Apparently this dummy decided to try and turn about 130 degrees to get into a spot and scraped her bumper across my car. As I'm putting in my contacts to get ready to go out and say wtf she just gets out of her car and walks away. I left a wtf note with my email, but I doubt there is anything real I can do as I'm only covered for damage that I do to others, not what is done to me. I did take about a dozen pictures though showing the scrape, so if I wanted to be super mean I'm sure the pictures and my 'I was in the car at the time testimony' would be irrefutable. It is just a scrape though, as bad as it is, so I may just get some paint and cover it over. What gets me is she walked away like nothing happened; no sorry, no note preparation with contact info, nothing. I think she even came back with a friend an hour later and I think I heard her say something like, 'that's the car I hit', thinking I wouldn't be able to hear as they walked past my car glancing my way. I just don't get how someone can be mean like that. That isn't something that will get better. It's damage that stays until it's fixed.

Probably nothing else of interest will happen today. It's gray overhead and I've got laundry to do after work, but that's really it for my day unless my tax return has shown up. If it did that would be awesome as I could hurry and try and do stuff to avoid the +$20 increase, but it is more likely to show up Wednesday or later.

Bye for now I guess.

Time passes

It's late, after 9:30 at night. I just had a nice alone time shower and now I'm killing time before going to the sleeping spot. I don't want to go though, for I am sad and it is not a home and it reminds me of how I am failing and alone in life. *sigh* I'm so dreadfully exhausted and tired today. I'm so deeply sad. More than anything I want to go home; to go somewhere I'm welcome, warm and loved; where a sweetie or friends, movies, shows, my games, and warm meals await me. Although I sort of have that a few days a week, I don't really have it. What I have is borrowed, altered, a shell of a life.

My first domain name was (and still is) everbecoming, chosen for the psychological and metaphysical concept that we are (for)ever becoming something new, something different than we were, changing and being changed by our environment and the people around us. But I don't feel that way now. Now I am forced to adapt. I would say I certainly don't feel like I'm changing, as changing is positive, while my adapting to what has become of me is sheer survival. A glimmer of me remians in how I spend my gift money. A glimmer survives in what I can share with others. But I still wonder when I return... if I return... how much of me will truly remain? Will I survive or will so much be forced to adapt that I'll forever be broken and shattered, little more than a ghost of my former self.

Day 588 - 2/9 - Fail at lunch

I has a fail at lunch. I forgot my thing to microwave soup in so I had to find something on campus to use. All of the trashes had been cleaned, so all there was was a light plastic container. I decided to risk it. I fail. It melted and the soup spilled pretty badly. I figured since it likely had melted plastic mixed in that it would be safest to toss it. I now have no chance to spend the 10-15 minutes walking back to the car for more food and my container.

The girl who scraped my car emailed me and said she was sorry. She'll talk to her dad about it. I doubt anything will result save for maybe a small bit of money offered for paint, but we'll see. It's likely that a professional door repaint will be hundreds and considering the condition of the car that's just not worth the cost. I have to investigate how deep the scratches go, which I can't really spend the time doing until the rain stops.

The boy of the not-sis has an appointment tomorrow morning that I'm taking them to, so I may wind up going down there after class tonight.

So far no tax refund money. It would be nice to get it tomorrow as that might allow me to order stuff from Amazon online before the weekend. If not I'd have to pay a higher price for the stuff that I want for this weekend in addition to tax. My friend/ex-roomie has me on a deal where shipping is free, so things are a fair bit cheaper at Amazon.

It seems my weekend schedule will go unexpectedly too. School is closed Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. I'd thought it was just closed on Monday. It seems I work Monday too, which is odd since it is a government facility and it's a national holiday. The current plan is to go to the not-sis' Friday after work, be there Friday night, all Saturday, Saturday night, all Sunday, stay Sunday night and leave Monday before work. It will be hell on my allergies but I've been ok with full days. I was there all Sat/Sun last weekend and I didn't get too bad with allergies. Their orange kitty that I'm super allergic to was outside the whole time so that helped a bit.

My contacts are blurry almost all of the time now. These are a brand new pair too. I think my prescription has dropped another 0.25. That or I'm developing old eyes and need a second prescription for using the computer.

I was really hoping to get my monies by today. I'm down to $3 in my account and $4 of gift certificates plus an unknown gift card amount (and the gas in my car.) My car is nearly out of gas, but I've $1.85 in cash in my wallet that I can use for more gas. I suppose I should be able to squeak by until I get paid on Thursday if it comes down to it, but it's going to be close.

Guess that's all for now.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2010
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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