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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 2: Rise of teh Bunnah

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 99

Day 687 - 5/19 - It's all a blur

Today was a blur. I'm pretty sick so I don't really remember much of today in clear detail. I got up a bit late due to not sleeping well last night and being sick. I did some stuff with Epic Fail, a school assignment, checked for jobs, played games, and even got to catch Wheel of Fortune when cooking/eating because C&H were out. It was actually a fairly productive day, but a day that is little more than a blur now.

Nothing really changed today. I'm still sick, put out a couple of resumes, and stayed home from school, but that was it. I have another dumb assignment that I need to spend several hours doing tomorrow, a day I'd otherwise have off to myself to play.

Well, guess I'll try and sleep and continue to hope things get better and that soon I can do the things I truly enjoy in all aspects of my life.

Day 688 - 5/20 - Still sick

It's sleepy time. I was still sick today. I had a pretty hard time getting to sleep last night. I was having bad dreams and panic breathing when trying to get to sleep. Through probably 3/4 of the night the bad dreams continued. I have icky eyes today so I wonder if I was crying or near crying in my sleep because of them. By the time I got up it was early afternoon and I only had a few hours before I had to go spend a few hours working on a class assignment. By the time I got back it was early evening. I played for a bit and now it's time for bed.

Hopefully I can sleep tonight. I've had a lot of difficulty lately due to sadness, worry, and now my cold. Night peeps.

Day 689 - 5/21 - Eyes and throat

The cold is in my eyes and throat now. My eyes are sore from being goopy and running and my throat is sore and my voice hoarse. I'm not sure why. I really haven't been talking lately.

I wanted something different for dinner tonight but couldn't decide what. I didn't have a lot of time to decide, nor a fridge to put extra food in.

I had to visit someone's place for the school assignment I did the other day. It was a super nice one bedroom apartment, very similar to what I'd want both in terms of the building/apartment design, and the furniture they had set up inside. I'm always aware of my being displaced, not in control of my life or my environment, not able to stand on my own and have such a place to stay it makes me sad. I still have no idea if, when, or how I will recover. Jobs are either part-time that aren't much of a step forward, or ones I'm not qualified for that are "entry level" but require 2, 3, 5 years of experience, or things like "masters preferred". Everyone around me seems to be young and "on track" towards an ok life. Almost daily I'm starting to feel more and more lost and more and more behind.

Day 690 - 5/22 - Cold in my poor ears

Time to try and sleep. I had a pretty good day I suppose. Being Saturday I just tried to get some sleep to fight the cold and had fun with my games. C&H did a bit of work to get the garage space ready for me. I guess they are getting a lot of materials to insulate it free because someone they know recently did a similar project and have a bunch left over.

The cold is in my ears now. My poor ears have been plugged for days and now they are ringing and hurting badly. I hope I'm better and back to normal soon. This moving cold is icky. I still don't feel particularly horrible, but I'm exhausted all the time, my ears are ringing now, and my throat and lungs are still icky. I'm still coughing and my voice sounds terrible. Hopefully I can get good sleep and feel a bit better tomorrow. Last night and this morning I had pretty bad dreams, not nightmares but ones I was fighting to change as I was having them. Some parts were ok though. I could sort of fly and people thought I was cool, but in other parts they didn't like me and were ignoring me and treating me bad.

My netbook plug still isn't giving the netbook any power. I still haven't found the right angle to get it to work. I already ordered a new plug, but it won't get here until Tuesday. At least it only cost $9. I guess that's something good.

Guess that's all for today. I wish a lot of aspects of today could have gone differently, but I did have my games, had some fun with C&H, and all things considered I guess things are pretty good for what my life is these days. Night peeps.

Day 691 - 5/23 - Pondering shifts

It's past when I should be trying to sleep. I'm still sick, so lots of coughing and sniffling today. My poor ears are still ringing, but nowhere near as bad as they have been. I'm getting some of my smell back, which is both good and bad. I'm smelling dog, cat, bird, dog food, kitty litter, and that's about it. They are overwhelming all other smells. I've been wheezing and having a hard time breathing too. I don't know if that's general allergies or because I can smell the animals more. Seems silly to think that since smell couldn't be related to allergy; I'm breathing the same amount either way.

I got an extra gym shift on Thursday, which is very worth it. I'm questioning if the pool shifts will be worth it during the summer though. The morning one is changing to a time so I'd have to leave more than two hours sooner than I currently do, putting my travel right smack into the thick of "rush hour." The other option is a shift that ends before class, where again I'd be right smack in the thick of commute hour at night, meaning I would not only fight traffic on the road but have to fight it in the parking lot at school. On nights I don't have school the commute to C&H's would be about 4-5 times as long as they otherwise would.

Well, bed for now. More pondering as the time goes on. Who knows, maybe I'll get a reply to one of the resumes I've sent recently or win lottery money and all this worrying will become a moot point.

Day 692 - 5/24 - Not shift

It's about my average sleeping time. I'd hoped to get to bed early, but my body started waking up and feeling a touch better so I stayed up. I only got about 4 hours of sleep due to getting up for work and being unable to sleep until about 5 this morning. I was feeling bad at work still so I decided to pass on going to class tonight. I just dropped off the due papers and came back to C&H's. It also seems the project I thought I missed last Wednesday was postponed, so I didn't actually miss it. I am, however, going to have to really cram stuff to get the other assignments done.

It seems all my thoughts and stress over the pool hours were for nothing. The changed hours on Monday are just for Monday. Once the summer schedule actually starts - not until late June - it will basically only be about 1/2 hour off of normal with the possibility of working another shift until 4 PM. The boss' email implied that the crazy Monday time was the new schedule, when it was, in fact, just a special thing for the Holiday. And, I didn't have to do the Wednesday training, so that's good. Also, I took on extra gym shifts on Thursday nights for June, so that will help generate money for things like my contact exam that I still need to do.

Well, time to take my sick self to bed. Tomorrow I've got job checking to do, a bit of dumb school stuff to do, and lots of resting and playing in order to try and get better and be happy. Night peeps.

Day 693 - 5/25 - Done waiting for some fun

It's later in the evening, but not super late. I wanted to post this, so I'm getting it ready for posting and such before it's too late in my evening. Nothing really new today. I'm still sick, but feeling mostly better. I still had bad dreams and gasping when sleeping last night. Today I'm still congested, icky throat, icky lungs, and my ears are popping and ringing a lot. I worked for a bit on a dumb school project I needed to do, so that's good. I played my games for a bit and had some fun. Today my netbook plug came, so I can recharge my netbook without issues again. I also got Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog and True Blood season 2. Woot. I have to be careful what I catch up on these days. My wish list is pretty long, but I can only afford to get caught up on my fun every now and then. It's something to make me smile, little reminders of who I am and what I enjoy, and validation that things I enjoy are enjoyable by others.

Not much in my life is moving forward these days, but I suppose nothing is really falling further behind. Things that deteriorate are, my teeth, my cloths, my computer is getting further and further behind all the time, so there are things which are in greater and greater need as time goes on, but hopefully they are things that will remain ok until I have enough income to be back on track again. I'm not great, but I suppose I'm ok for yet another week.

Week 100

Day 694 - 5/26 - Pretty ok

It's late but not too bad for me. I'm not sure what to say for today really. I went to bed super late last night, so that and the cold had me sleeping until about 1:30 today. I only had a few hours until I had to hurry off to school. I did find out that one assignment I thought I needed to do I didn't actually have to do. I already did it because it's on the class green sheet twice for some reason, appearing like two different projects. I also found out that I got a like 91% on my mid-term so that was woot.

I did get notice that the gym work will be closed for a week in like three weeks, so I basically get a week off for that. So instead of like eight shifts there in June I'll only get six, only like +2 to my normal schedule, cutting the extra I thought I'd be getting by half. Still, more is more.

I guess I'm feeling pretty ok today. I'm still pretty behind on school projects, still not seeing many jobs to apply for, still struggling for physical and emotional balance in my life, still fighting a cold; but I feel reasonably ok.

Day 695 - 5/27 - Boreor

It's during mini work. Today wasn't too bad. I slept a lot again because I'm still sick. I got to bed earlier than I have been, but again I couldn't fall asleep until after about 4. I got up at just after 12:30. I wound up just spending my time (before work) playing. I'll have to look for jobs tomorrow in the morning.

I got one of the most boring movies ever. I didn't know it would be so boring. It was supposed to be horror, but 3/4 of it was just three college kids talking about plans to kill someone. The whole movie was bla bla bla, like a low-budget independent movie kind of slow. It almost killed me from boredom. I think it must be part of that new sub-genre of horror called boreor.

Guess that's it for today. Doubt anything interesting will happen tomorrow, but one can always hope.

Day 696 - 5/28 - No surprises

Not sure what to say today. Nothing really special again. Looked for jobs, didn't find any. Played for a bit. Now I'm at mini work. I did think last night that I shouldn't actually have to worry about rush hour traffic on Monday because it's one of those holidays that everyone has off. There likely won't be anyone on the road.

Having a party for the little one at C&H's tomorrow. That should be fun. Hopefully it will be warm enough. Lately it's been pretty cold even though it's supposed to be spring.

Not sure what to say today. Thoughts have been running through my head, but they are ones I've said before. I'm so sleepy too. Hopefully I can start sleeping regular again soon. It's probably a combination of my cold and stress that's keeping me up and preventing me from sleeping regularly. I guess all in all it's been an ok day today.

Day 697 - 5/29 - Sooooo burnt

I'm so burnt. It was the little one's birthday here at C&H's, so I spent about 6 hours out in the sun, much of that in direct sunlight. I haven't done that in I don't know how long, so the sun did horrible things to me. My tummy system was completely messed up. My skin is super burnt. I expect I will be peeling soon. Thank the gods I'm not blistered. We got up around 9:30 and were setting up until about noon. C&H were very grumpy about people coming into their park space, but they did spend like $300 to rent it, so I guess that makes sense. Still, I think they could have easily ignored the transgressions since it was a public park until they were at least done setting up, if not until guests were there. Anyways... People showed up a few hours later. They were mostly family, but the regular party peeps that come by pretty much came by. After the party one was going to be dropped at the bus place to spend 2+ hours to go back home. I'm like, 'pfff, forget that. You live by where I work. I can just drive you there in like 20-30 minutes.' I couldn't let him suffer through a second 2+ hour set of bus rides when I could just spend less than 1 hour of my time cutting his trip to about 20% of what it would have been. That's just how I roll. If I can be generous and prevent suffering I do.

I was completely exhausted from the day when I got back to C&H's. I played my games to relax, ate dinner, and watched a show online. Now I'm totally ready for sleep, though it's over an hour later than I would have liked because I had wet laundry to wait for.

I'm looking forward to resting tomorrow - if I can. I'm not looking forward to dumb school stuff. I'll likely have to spend several hours doing school projects that have been pushed to now because of so many that I had to do in the stupid Monday class. Hopefully I'll be ok and able to progress and move forward. I'm so very tired of not moving forward or being impeded by various things. Well, off to try and sleep.

Day 698 - 5/30 - Second degree

So, I'm much more burnt on my forehead and top of my head than I originally thought. Last night and all day today it has been oozing ick. It's all sick from being burnt too much; second degree burns I think.

It's an hour later than I was starting to go to bed, and about two hours later than I was hoping to get into bed. At first I was just playing my game, then just as I was going to leave for bed I got word that the Nvidia GTX 465 is out, so I spent the next 45 minutes checking that out and updating my site. Well, all my work, speculation and predictions are still just for the benefit of others. I'm still nowhere near being able to upgrade my system or build a new one (which is what I really need to do).

Well, off to bed for me. Night peeps.

Day 699 - 5/31 - So exhausted

I'm so exhaustedly tired. My body is tired from fighting the cold and sunburn. My mind is tired from having to constantly look for and worry about new jobs and school junk. And my spirit is tired of not having a life free to live as I'd like.

I'm sort of looking forward to my time in the garage. I'll very much enjoy the privacy - something I've not truly had for nearly two years now - yet I'll miss having C&H around me all the time. I'll miss always being able to interact with the people or animals. Oh sure, they will only be like 20 feet away and I'll likely still go in the house 3-5 times a day, but it won't be the same thing.

The not-sis is also moving to somewhere about two hours drive away. I'll have to collect my things from her when I can. I haven't seen her in a while. It's good timing since I wanted to move my stuff into the garage life with me.

I got to put out two resumes today, so that's something at least. I am very grateful that I can sleep in most of the week. I really don't know how well I'd handle a job that I have to get up early for on a regular basis. I don't think I've had a get up early all the time job in like 15 years. I've never really been the kind of guy to fit right in at such a place. I really wish I could just work on my site. If I had enough money to never need to worry about money I really do think I'd just stop working (and going to school) and put all of my time and effort into testing out, discussing, and reviewing gaming hardware.

Probably really nothing much interesting to say today. I should just try and sleep before I get all rambly about nothing. Night peeps.

Day 700 - 6/1 - A calm moment

It's a calm moment in the later afternoon. I'm alone in C&H's place, as they went out to an appointment. The day is warm, but a bit breezy now. All is quiet around me; even the animals are mostly being quiet and calm. There is still nothing really new in my life, and lately that's a good thing. My sunburn on my arms is fading pretty rapidly. My forehead stopped doing the icky oozing and is now just super dry, tight, and flaking. My body bits should be over the sunburn within a few more days, maybe a week I think.

The end of another week of Fail and my life still remains in limbo. I can continue to enjoy my games and movies for the moment, still have access to cooking and eating like a normal person, but my job searching is still finding almost no results at all, and school work is being overly difficult, time consuming, and frustrating.

Lately I've wondered if my life has really ever progressed. I still think and feel the same as I remember when I was 5. Oh sure, the thoughts are more complex, activities more refined, but even as young as 5 I remember being caring towards others, playing video games, and there is even a note in a baby book from my mom as young as 3 that I was watching science fiction shows. Nothing has really changed. I still like the same kinds of girls, still play video games, still have the same core personality type and interests. Am I really progressing? Am I really changing? Have I ever? Or is my life just a cycle of minor improvements and responses and reaction to what's going on in the environment around me?

Lately I think about my lack of progress and "moving forward" as so many say. I get reinforcement from teachers and others who say they have redirected their lives several times before and they have confidence that I'll be ok too. But I wonder. If I've never really advanced, never really moved forward, if I have just been doing my same actions and reactions my entire life, what then? How then do I spin myself back into a good position if forward may not be forward?

Time passes

I'm so sad now. It's early evening and there was some terrible news. C&H went to give the landlord person his check today and apparently he's found out that I've been here a while and he was grumpy about it. I guess their lease officially says they are only supposed to have two adults, and "guests" can only stay for a maximum of two weeks during the year. It sounds like a really dumb rule, but I guess it's what it is. They said I shouldn't worry about it for a few weeks, and a few weeks is a few weeks, but still. The thought of packing up what little I have here, putting my computer back in storage, putting my movies back in storage, being on the streets again... is terribly depressing. I suppose it would be ok to stay at the not-sis' most nights and be in my car, but the thought of going back to sleeping in my car and only having a few bags of stuff with me again... it makes me feel like crying. Not just because my life is so sad, but because it seems so few want to help or are willing to. If I had the income I could consider staying here, it would just be an increase in rent, or I could look into an old friend's place who recently said he needed a new roomie. But since I don't have the income, since I am barely working at all... it looks like I may be back on the street again very soon.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2010
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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