PC talk system recommendations blog Facebook YouTube articles and guides links bio
game screensots rabb1t's ramblings podcast email
Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 2: Rise of teh Bunnah

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 61

Day 421 - 8/26 - The big scare

Last night I had a surprise. (Well, it was two, a good one and a bad one, but we'll get to the bad one in a minute.) I went to check for my b-day moives at the ex-house and my friend/ex-roomie heard me coming. She came out and was like 'close yer eyes' and I'm all 'whuuutt?' and she's like, 'Surprise! Happy birth day! ' and gave me more presents. So now I have the movie tickets, a couple of WoW time cards, the movies I got, and a t-shirt I got .

I went to try and get to sleep early, the first time in probably a month, and there were cars in the lot. So, I had to cruise past and just hung out on the Internets for a bit then went back to the spot at just past 11. I couldn't sleep for some reason. I just wasn't sleepy, but I was very tired. I was layin' there trying to sleep when I got the big scare. I heard a car pulling in to the rear section of the lot. The engine had a patrol car sound. They lit up a side area I can see from my hidden position and I scooched down a bit as best I could. The lights continued past and the engine got very loud behind me. I thought for a second he was going to stop behind or next to me, then I realized he was using his spotlight. The engine continued shortly past me while the light hovered on/near me for about three seconds. Thankfully I was below the threshold of being seen (as I am when next to the shield unless being viewed from the left side), but I was worried because with that search light they could have easily seen my passenger seat was down. I couldn't really peek over without revealing myself, but I think the light quickly swept through the rest of the area before being turned off and the car slowly pulled out of the back area. I peeked over the threshold at the very last second and confirmed the black and white color. I rapidly put in my contacts and cautiously peeked out some more. I saw nor heard anything, so I put on my shoes and snuck out to peek around the corner of the building. The car was indeed nowhere to be seen.

I guess, like about a week ago, it was simply cooincidence. I stayed up for a bit with 'my bed' put away just in case, but I didn't see or hear from any other poliece in the area. All the cars (or sirens) I could hear were off in the distance. Statistically speaking I'm very safe in the spot. Only three visits in the probably 400+ days I've likely been in the spot/area with only three visits is less than 1%; by far a statistcal anomoly. But still, with two of those being in my section of the lot and occuring within the last few weeks I worry if this is an indication that frequency will increase. I'm sure it's just a random occurrence and they were looking for someone who is not me, but I will likely keep an eye out and be warry of future patrols at least for a few nights to be sure these aren't going to become random searches that eventually escalate to booting me out.

I feel my safety is in question and I will likely lose more sleep in the coming days because of the increase in activity. But still, the humanitarian side of me wonders - what would really be the 'worst case senario'? With no people walking through the lot there is really no chance of anyone raging out and smashing up me or my car. The only person I've seen, who I haven't seen in months, is the Night Walker; a person in his late teens who would likely feel more pity and confusion over my regularly being there than anything else. I haven't seen Piano Man since I changed (back) to my 5:45 leaving time, so we don't have to worry about any local regulars. And, I'd think any church-goers would be more compasionate to my position than not. Heck, it still wouldn't at all surprise me to get na invitation from the church to stay in one of their five rooms / storage areas back there. And the law is set up to, first and formost, protect citizens from harm. If I'm in an empty parking lot, one that 10 people regularly park their cars in at night, would poliece really boot me out of there if I'm not hurting anything and need a place to sleep? I'd think not. I move every morning, I don't put my trash outside my car; it's no more or less than the 10 others do. (Outside of the fact that they go to a home instead of staying in their car.) I even researched loitering a bit on the web and it seems that the law is basically designed to prevent gang activity, not so much for single people just waiting around. In fact, under dangerous weather conditions the law even allows tresspassing to get to safe shelter (such as going in a barn during a rain/snow storm.) So I really wonder... with my do no harm position, with the fact that I move every day, with the fact that others put their cars in the lot at night at the same time I do, would they really put me out somewhere when I'm not hurting the area and the other places I would be put out to may not be safe?

I guess only time will tell. Hopefully I'll never be put in a position to find out the answers.

Time passes

I had a bit of a sad earlier (someone kind of mean at work and lower hours than normal for at least the next few weeks) and more and more as the night went on my brain wanted to do something different. I said, 'you know what self, let's get a movie', so I got a movie for teh cheap. (Hopefully it won't get stuck elebentybillion times.) Tummy chimed in too, so I got a loaf cake so I could have some dessert / snack foods, and I got the yummiest fries ever. I don't know what Wing Stop does to their fries, but there is a sweetness and a little bit of spice that makes them super yummy. I got a large order and woah! It is literally a huge bag of fries. I don't know if that's normal (guess it is) or if it's because I made the guys lol chatting with them for a few minutes.

The tasty foods and soon movie have lifted my mood a bit, but the diminished hours at work concerns me. Yeah, it will still be enough if I tighten up a bit, but I've never get out of the hole and back on my feet at the rate I'm not moving at. Plus, I did some job searching and, as usual, found nothing. So that was disappointing and just reminded me I'm still trapped, regardless of how I feel about my current money.

Well, no sad talk. I don't want to make myself more sad. Hopefully everyone's day is going well and you have nothing bad to worry about.

Day 422 - 8/27 - Less than 13

I'm at aquatics mini work at around 10:40. I'm still sleepy from a cold and the construction at the morning sleeping spot. I've had lots of sneezing, congestion difficulty breathing, confusion, and a bit of coughing. Hopefully I'll be my happy hoppy bunny self again soon.

I didn't shower this morning. I only need a five minute shower and I didn't feel like spending the 1/2 hour to do that. (What with all the packing, walking, unpacking, repacking, more walking; it always is a big investment to shower.) I played for about an hour then had to go to work. I got a plastic bin that I was going to use in the car the other day, but I decided against it, so I picked that up from the ex-house storage. (I'd put it in there when I decided against using it.) I'll be playing for a bit at the game center, so that should be good fun for teh cheap.

Things will be tightening up in the next few weeks though. I'm only scheduled for about 13 hours for the next few weeks. It's enough to cover critical costs, but a few things will have to be cut back a bit. Not like my ~$35 or so allotment every two weeks is exactly a ton of budgeted fun to start with, heh. I suppose things should still be ok. I don't think hours will get smaller than that. Work, while not super fulfilling emotionally/spiritually is at least not stressful or depressing. (Other than the low hour count and meh pay rate.) I am always sad at the lack of job/sweetie/friend prospects, but I also am not on the street and I do have enough money to mostly be ok. (Enough I've gotten a touch chubby again due to more fast food lately.) Things are tough and sad, but they are a little less sad compared to last year, and they have at least stabalized for the moment.

Oh there was no patrol car that I noticed last night or this morning, so that is something.

I suppose though there won't be much to talk about today. It seems a warmish, nice, but slow, kind of day. As always surprsies would be welcome - nice ones at least - but predictable prospects and activities seem to be few to none.

Bye for now.

Time passes

It's later in the evening, nearing 9:45 outside of Starbucks to do wireless stuff, maybe game for a bit in my alt bod. I had fun at the game center, but not quite as much as I'd hoped. I suppose as much as could be expected, as I was grouped the whole time there, but I can gain so little with my small and infrequent visits. I'm still undecided if I'll go somewhat regularly or not.

It's elebentybillion degrees out. If I had to guess it is probably near 83F. It would probably be safer to stay out longer than not, but I'm pretty tired. I don't know if that's the cold or the homelessness.

Tonight is one of those nights to stay up late and watch movies or play because of the heat - maybe even drive to the coast and spend the night if you have friends there. While I can do two of those things, it's just not the same (as it would be in a home). Though the thought of being in a home and having a place to put my stuff and do my hobbies seems like such a foreign and unatainable goal for me now. It still seems so strange that I'm still homeless. It's beginning to feel like I'm trapped between worlds and I don't know which is, or was, real. Am I still in a home and this is just a bad nightmare? Or is this the reality and being in a home was just a very long and nice dream?

Day 423 - 8/28 - Brain melting heat

It's lunch time, probably somewhere closer to 12:30 than not since the high-schoolers are headed back to school.

I suppose it's an ok day so far. I couldn't sleep until after 1 last night due to the heat, then the construction people woke me up early again. I probably got a decent 7 or so hours of sleep. I'm sleepy, but feel more positive than not. I checked fun boards, job emails, played for a little bit, had a shower this morning, bumped in to my friend/ex-roomie as she was getting a coffee, but that's it really so far. I have a gym shift tonight, so that should be ok.

I love surprises. Some of the kids have Hawaiian lays, and I wonder what that's about. Events are fun, particularly if you don't know they are coming. I guess that's what I dislike most about "adult life". I mean, sure, in part it's because of the company I've kept, which right now is noone, but everything gets planned. You plan this, you plan that, you pay bills regularly, you have to save up for fun things or make calandars; it's like life loses its spontineity and that's just the way it's supposed to be. It makes me sad that it's seemingly so hard to find a sweety or friends who surprise you later in life. I guess I just haven't been around the right people lately but it seems like everything in my life right now is so planned and predictable.

Well, the area seems clear of teens, so it's probably safe to go back out and not be trampled. Bye for now at least.

Time passes

It's almost 9:45 and it's still so incredibly hot. It's been strange weather. A few days ago it was chilly and looked like rain, now it's probably nearly 100F, maybe more. It's so hot I've felt like I'm going to pass out, still do, and it's getting later in the evening (when it should be cooling). I think it's probably been a good five years since it's been this hot if this isn't some kind of 25 year record heat. I guess we'll be getting one of those "Indian summers" again where September and October are warmer than June and July were.

I have the day off Saturday and Sunday, so at least I can stay in the Starbucks and keep cook. It will likely be super crowded, but it's there, a movie theater, or the game center if I want somewhere air conditioned.

Not sure what else to say.

Those of you who can, go out there and live your life. Have fun with your hobbies. Don't be affraid to try new things or meet new people - an experience is an experience. If you want to go somewhere and take a trip, go. Have those around you that you care for and do the things that make you happy. You never know when you'll lose them or the chance to do the things you enjoy in the way you enjoy them. Don't let life just trickle by.

Day 424 - 8/29 - 105F?

It's 1:30, lunch time.

Last night was crazy. I didn't use any blankets at all until after 3 AM, and I had the passenger window open almost the entire night. (The one on the side the shield is on.) During part of the night I was sleeping with no pants on, hehe. I heard someone mention 105F today, but that has to be for yesterday. Today isn't quite as warm and it's actually a bit breesy. Yesterday I was sweating in my car and stuff and today it's quite tollerable to me, so I'd guess it's closer to 82F in the shade. Although there was no construction this morning I didn't really sleep in. For whatever reason I got up around 8:45.

I may take a bit of a nap after lunch, but I can't think of what else to write about. Guess that's all for now.

My Car is not a Home

My car has windows
My car has doors
But it is not a home.

Though it can be locked
I don't feel safe or secure.
It is not a home.

No sweetie will be coming over on a date
No friends will come over to hang out.
It is not a home.

Though I may have places for my stuff
It is not a place for my stuff.
It is not a home.

There will be no bar-b-ques in the back yard
There will be no trick-or-treaters at the front door.
It is not a home.

I will not hear my children laughing or playing
I will not reminis about their graduation or marriage in my old age.
It is not a home.

There will be no showering myself
There will be no cooking for others.
It is not a home.

There is lonelyness
There is driving.
The car is not a home.

Day 425 - 8/30 - Wishing for a better tomorrow

It's early morning at around 9. No work or anything I need to do today so I'll just spend the day wirelessly. I'll likely just be gaming, because boards are dead on the weekends, but I'll make a check of the job and fun boards regardless. I suppose it will be an ok day all things considered. While I can game ok the framerate and connection limitations are frustrating. I can't even try to run video if any of my shows are new. I keep hoping Nvidia or Asus will be like, 'hey, our employees have watched your site over the years and we see you are in a tight spot right now; here's a 15" laptop with 1920x1080 res, a GTX 260, and Blu-ray player to help ease your troubles until you get back on your feet'. With my (good) luck it could certainly happen. Odder things certainly have happened to me along my journey so far. Having my netbook has certainly eased my life now that I can access my job stuff all the time, (try to) play my game, and watch (non-Blu-ray) movies. That and my car certainly put me above many, even more so if we consider the majority of the population globally. But still, it's a bit sad since I'm so much above so many, yet still lack what everyone around me (locally) consideres basic every-day things. (Well, Blu-ray isn't every-day, at least not yet. But I'd rather have that then an iPhone with teeny tiny movies on digital download.)

Of course, most of all, as seems ever common for me on weekdays, I'd like nothing more than to have a (at least moderately) happy job with enough income to be back in a home where I have enough extra to do a new computer build and start collecting my movies again. Friends and a sweetie would be very nice too.

Guess that's all for now.

Day 426 - 8/31 - Misstell

It's somewhat early in the day at aquatics mini work at almost 11. I'm pretty hungry, so I'm going to eat soon.

Nothing really different going on. Recently I've decided to go back to the default UI in WoW. I saw a video that showed some default UI things that I didn't know it could do, so I'm trying it out again. It seems that it has almost everything I want. It would be nice to control the independant size on a few things and see a few things that I can't currently see, but I'm guessing those will be added with Cataclysm, if not a bit sooner to fix the bugs before launch. Seeing UI and friend's list changes go in to WoW to test them before the launch of the other games would not at all surprise me.

I chatted with some people online for a bit while I was playing wirelessly. I almost flirted with a cutie at the Starbucks. She's often there but hasn't really been more friendly than she is towards other customers, and there is a lack of telling body language; such as subtle leaning towards me, averting her eyes, blushing, talking with me when she is sweeping/cleaning nearby, so I haven't yet flirted.

So that's probably my day. I've got laundry after work, maybe use one of those cleaning stations to clean my car (depends on cost), but no other plans or anything besides more wireless stuff.

Bye for now.

Time passes

So hungry a dinner time. I was so hungry I decided to splurge and get a slightly more expensive fast food meal. I'm in the parking lot of a shopping center across the corner from where I normally stay. There is a yogurt shop here and a vegitarian Indian food restraunt and a sandwich shop. Recently duplicates of those opened in the center I'm normally at. Why would someone want to have the same shop as one across the corner that already exists? Competition and all sure, but still.

The car vaccuum was only $1, so it's nice and clean inside now. Though the water for washing outside was $2 which seemed a bit much, so I passed on that.

I seem to have accidently scheduled myself for a raid tomorrow night during all you can eat pizza/salad time. They also do it during lunch time, so I think I'll do it then so I don't miss out on my healthy salad foods. I don't know what I'll do in the future though, as I'll have clas on Tuesday nights.

Oh, I got a rather interesting mistell in-game. I forget what started the conversation, but it seems that someone was talking to a friend about not wanting to get involved with an exchange student. I was trying to convince him to try and see what happens. Love is still love if it's short or long. Yes, we all want it to be happily ever after, but as the saying goes, 'it's better to have loved and lost...' But in this kind of situation there isn't anything lost. A parting of the ways may be sad, but if you part when happy then it was a love worth having. A short love is still a love. We never know how short or long love will last in any situation. Plus, he seems to have ignored the other benefits. He says last time he learned Japaneese and this time German, woah! So you get love and were inspired to learn another langauge; that's totally something worthwhile.

I guess this is just another of my reminders to not let opportunities pass you buy, particularly ones which touch your in ways that move you. Don't ignore something because it may not seem to make long-term sense (or whatever). If something moves you, let yourself be moved. You never know what adventures await.

Day 427 - 9/1 - Atlantis

All I can nom lunch. I have the raid tonight during dinner time, so I figured I'd go for lunch and have some extra for dinner - peeps always take some to go, heh.

I suppose it's an ok day today. Construction woke me up again pretty early, but I'd had a super deep sleep with an awesome dream before that. I was in a super high-tech traveling/touring vehicle. It was like the size of two busses long. I was driving around a city and at one point I decided I wanted to go somewhere more interesting. I set the navigation computer to go underground through a lake. (Though it was more the size of a large pool.) After a bit I'd navigated us deep underwater to Atlantis. (Though it wasn't so much a sunken city as it was a city built at the bottom of the ocean.) I pushed some buttons and the vehicle became transparent like glass. There were half a dozen of us in the vehicle as we floated over Atlantis and I showed them the cool features of the city.

I got a nice shower at school; only one other person in there. I'm going to miss my private / quiet shower time once school starts back up. Even my regular pants are a bit tight now. I checked the scale and it seems I'm up to 190 lbs now. I guess the all I can eat and other fast food meals, possibly the hot chocolates, are getting to me. Of course I am also not having soups for most meals, as I so rarely have access to a microwave.

I got to Starbucks early, so I got a hot chocolate. (I only get them if I get there super early, otherwise I just wait for lunch.) There was the cute redhead worker in line and I was like, 'lawlz, yer on the wrong side. ' We chatted for a bit. I tried to flirt, but she just did friendly person chat and didn't seem at all interested.

I've been doing research on the WiFi slowness with my system and found new drivers. The web seemed a bit snappier, though video still choked badly when streaming. I couldn't really watch Burn Notice, but The Guild buffered and worked ok.

Guess that's it so far. I did non-gaming things this morning so far. I have my raid at the game center which I'll leave for in a bit, but that's all I expect to happen today.

That's it for now. Have to nom and type in Epic Fail.

Week 62

Day 428 - 9/2 - loling at each other

It's early morning at 8:45. I guess I got up so early that I did a quick shower and it's still super early.

I had an ok time last night, but as usual I didn't gain much in terms of progression, and there was too much noise and stuff to be ideal for me. Funny story; remember how the other day I'd gone back to the default WoW UI because I didn't really feel like I needed the changes (with the add-on)? Well, during the raid in the higher resolution at the game center they did seem to have a bigger impact. I decided to go back to X-Pearl. However, and this is the funny part, the newest version is bugged to the point that it generates several errors and several critical game features don't work at all, heh. So, if I want to go back I'll have to use the old version or wait for an update. (One of the reasons I stopped using it was for bugs.) I'll probably wait a few weeks and see if it gets updated or if news about Blizzard UI changes are announced. Really I just need four changes that are not critical but would be helpful to have.

That's all so far really, just catching things up from last night. I have the smallest shift ever today; 2.5 hours. Can you believe that? That may be great for a teen who lives close by, but for me... not so much. It will take like 20-30 minutes each way because of traffic, plus a couple of minutes to change. So lame.

I'm not sure what I'll do about lunch and dinner today with no micro access. I guess I'll just get $1 fast food items. That's as cheap as cheap soup, but terrible for my system. Maybe I'll get stuff to make a sandwich, but that's $2-3, so it's quite a bit more. Plus, if it gets hot, and it's already a bit warm, lunch meat won't last long in the car.

Well, the day will bring what it brings I guess. Bye for now.

Time passes

Just finished a $1 fast food lunch. It must be around 12:15 because the lunch raiders are starting to meander back to school. It's a pretty warm day and most peeps are smiling and happy. I miss that security and certainty that 'this is your place in life until x time' that high school has. So much of life after isn't guarenteed or secure.

There have been some British sounding soccerr players around lately. They must be doing some kind of expo or tour locally. How fun would that be to be on a pro team in another country? Pro gamers do that sometimes, but I doubt I'll make it on to a pro team mostly due to my limitations in terms of being able to play (due to needing to work), but also a bit due to age. Maybe when I win my millions I'll do it for fun/challenge.

I suppose it's an ok day all things considered. I'd rather have too little work with very little work stress and plenty of time to look for other work / go to interviews than I would too much work and too much stress and no time to really look or do interviews.

I'm so tired lately. I feel like if I closed my eyes I'd zonk right out. It's not that I can't, but with work in a few hours I probably shouldn't.

Guess that's it for now. Pretty standard day for me lately. Plodding along one inch per day at a time.

Time passes

I kind of flirted with some girls. I was at Starbucks doing some wireless gaming and there were about three girls sitting outside one table away from me. Just the glass separates them from my side and they are about 3' away. The girls were super hawt and attractive and the inside guy directly next to them seemed like he was staring at them. But he was on the phone and his computer, so he was more staring through them. The girls were being silly and doing funny things to see if the guy (who was kind of staring through them and creeping them out) would notice. Meanwhile I would peek over now and then at their hawtness. Normal peeking at cuties not in a staring way stuff. So, they would do something silly, then lol at the guy for not noticing. Then I'd lol at them because I caught them being silly, and they'd lol at me for catching them. They did several silly things over the course of a few hours. One of the cutest ones would blush extra red when I cought her. Before they left one came in to pee and as she passed me she said 'hi hehe'. As she passed by she gently touched my shoulder to scootch past the chairs. I suppose I could have asked if she/they were single and might be interested. That certainly was an opening. Sadly they were smoking bascially the entire time. I'm allergic and cough horribly when anyone has smoked recently near me. There is no way I could date someone who is a smoker. (Yes, I know for sure. My ex-wife was a light smoker trying to quit and even the 2-3 she had during the entire day was noticible.)

So... it was nice to flirt again. Even if it was sort of in-directly through a glass just loling mutually at how oblivious this guy was. (Though I think he must have known at least one of them.) It does make me sad they didn't actually approach me - though they were all totally pretty enough to have guys that make way too much money - and it does make me sad that in elebentybillion years my first sort of real flirting (girls at me) were hazardous to my health to the point that I couldn't ask them out.

Ah well. I'm sure there is a sweetie out there for me. And if one of those cuties is for me then I'm sure Fate will have us cross paths again.

Day 429 - 9/3 - Still warm

It's pretty early at mini work at about 11. I was super hungry so I just finished my lunch soup. There was some cake here from the other day, so I'm nomming a small piece of that.

It's already pretty warm. I've got shorts and my work t-shirt on with a fan blowing on me on low and I'm still a touch towards sweaty.

I may go to the game center for a bit today to stay out of the heat and to have access to a micro. The Starbucks has AC too (it's almost always too cold there). I haven't fully decided. It would be the same cost as a fast food meal if I went; not expensive, because some time is on my account, but not super cheap. It would be medium cost at around $5 for like five hours. If I get hungrier I'm more likely to go as I already have soups ready to go.

It's so lame this is what my days have come to - figuring out what is cheapest to eat and stay out of the heat to kill time until job board posts refresh. Things could be worse though. For now I plod on.

Day 430 - 9/4 - Waving hi

I feel... odd today. It's probably just poor car sleep. I've got a bad headache, neck cramps, back soreness, and I'm tired. It's lunch raid time, so I'm nomming lunch and took some pain meds.

I had a thought today; if I don't forget I'll ask the friendly gym peep if he gets an employee discount at Sony on laptops. If he's got a big enough discount a couple of system models could be cheap enough for me to afford. I could upgrade to a gaming capable system, possibly one with high-res and a Blu-ray player. I guess we'll see. He'll probably have to research prices he gets and get back to me. With a gaming capable system I could greatly reduce the cost of my visits for gaming, as I could do it wirelessly on a $10 day pass, which is what I spend now for a 4-hour visit. Or, I could simply play wirelessly from Starbucks (provided lag ins't terrible, which some days it is, some days it isn't.) Well, we'll have to see what options there are if/when he gets me his discounted prices. I expect it is unlikely as he'd need to have like 40% or more off of the web site listed prices for me to consider doing an upgrade, otherwise it would just be too expensive of a change.

Not sure what else to say. Less than 2 hours until I'm off to a super mini 2.5 hour shift, then my normal 5 hour gym shift. I'm looking forward to having Saturday/Sunday off. But, as usual, what fun I can have with be pretty limited. But still, there will be some fun, so that's something.

Bye for now.

Time passes

It's time for dinner during gym mini work. When I was leaving for work earlier I saw three of the (silly) hawt girls from the other day. They saw me and the one who said hi before waved at me through the window and was like 'hi *wave*'. I was like ' *wave*' I was shocked she like said hi to me (through the window). She's so beautiful and attractive. Sadly though she's a pretty heavy smoaker, so I couldn't ever date her. I'd be like '*nuzzle* *sniff* ' And that's no good, but you never know. She makes me smiley and there is a chemistry there when I see her, so that's always at least good to be reminded that can be out there for me.

Well, dinner and more work time. Bye for now.

Day 431 - 9/5 - Lost little inchworm

It's way too early in the morning at just past 8. I couldn't sleep at the school sleeping spot for some reason. There was a pretty high level of campus patrol activity today. They have this flea market on the first Saturday of the month, so that was going on. (Though I was in what would have been an overflow lot, so I wouldn't really have been disturbed for a while.) But, I think the increased patrol activity was due to the power being out. For some reason the power was out yesterday, possibly the day before, and today they didn't even have the emergency backup lights.

I don't really know what will happen today, if anything. I'll be wireless all day since I have no work. I will probably get a pizza, as I have a coupon for 50% off a large. That will cut the price down to about $7-8 and with that being 3-4 meals that becomes super cheap nom.

Oh, I asked about the nice person's discount, but apparently his discount is less than 5% on laptops. Since most parts are created by other companies and they just put the system together their profit is almost zero on laptops (which kind of surprises me.) He said that the guys he works with get the best deals outside of the company by just waiting for sales or checking on good Amazon deals. So I guess if I were to consider it we are back to holding on to money and seeing how things look closer to the end of the year.

I still hold hope every day that I won't need to consider upgrading to a gaming laptop to really game, that I'll be in a home and can instead look at upgrading what is now reaching a five year old system core with a three year old graphics card.

It still seems like positive change will need to come from outside; someone helping me find a job, a loving sweetie, new friends, a book deal to publish Epic Fail in print form (though it's unnabridged form likely lacks mass appeal; huge wall of text!), winning some lottery money, etc. As usual lately it seems that without help, without a sudden and unexpected change from Fate, that I will continue to plod along inch by inch seemingly gaining very little towards real recovery or true happyness.

Time passes

It's considerably after lunch; I think sometime after 1:45 but before 2. I decided to run a test while I was at Round Table. They have a secure WiFi and last time I was there someone gave me the code to access it. It is considerably faster than Starbucks at 130 whatevers compared to 54. If I recall the school library and most other places are at the 54 speed as well. So it seems that my netbook's WiFi can go a lot faster and be a lot more stable. I watched some shows to test it out. I noticed Eureka is on again after being off the air for about a full year. I didn't think it was coming back, so I wasn't looking for it, and I guess I've missed about three episodes I can't catch up on (until they come out on DVD.) I also found a new show called Warehouse 13. I only watched one episode and I've come in to it mid-season so there is a lot I've missed. It seems sort of like a new school Friday The 13th The Series.

I think, at least until school is open again, I'll try to input Epic Fail before Tuesday so that I can watch shows while I'm there. It's not like Starbucks where I can just hang out there all the time. I mean the people seem nice enough that I probably could, but it's not that kind of place.

It seems so weird to be all miffed about missing out on new sci-fi shows, but it something which defines me. Yes, nomming pizza and surfing the Internet on my netbook at th esame time is a far cry from starving to death from lack of food in an Affrican desert (which so many are) but it is something that defines me. I play my games. I watch my Blu-ray movies. I watch my sci-fi (and comedy) shows. But now that I can't, now that these activities are restricted, I feel... a bit lost and a bit sad, all the time.

Time passes

Welp, it's nearing 9 and my day is basically over. I saw a few of the beautiful smoker girls again. Two of them (independantly) smiled and blushed/waved at me again. One was the one I seem to have a chemistry with. The other I also have a bit of chemistry with, but not quite as much. On the condition that they would give up smoking I'd date either in a heartbeat. Though a lot younger I may have actually asked them in already had they been non-smokers. (Ask them "in" as opposed to "out" because I can't afford out. Plus, I do much better "in" being a decent cook and liking movies and all.) They were being a bit silly again today, hehe. I think the two who are usually there must be sisters or cousins. They look related but about 5 years apart. I think one is under 20 and the other is in her early to mid 20s. They had a guy join them today, probably in his early 20s. I'm not quite sure about what ethnicity they are, but they seem to just have friends who are their ethnicity. If I were to guess I'd guess middle-eastern, Egyptian, or Greek. They have had a few items with Sanskrit looking type writing which I'm not familiar with. Anyways, they seemed flirty at the boy. He may have been with the third girl (one who didn't wave/blush at me.) Doubt anything will happen there what with my being allergic, but it's nice to know they still say hi and lol at/with me through the window.

Though gimped I had a lot of fun in my game today. I played a ton, even with the show watching. Hum, probably over eight hours total. Not at all unusual for me back in the day, but lately I seem to be more into 4-6 hour play days. Of course I really don't have anything else to do on weekends. The boards, both for fun and job, are so dead they are hardly even worth checking.

Tomorrow will be a big day in a manner of speaking... provided I don't forget or change my mind. What with Intel's new socket rumored for release on Wednesday I will go through my recommended systems and do all the AMD systems now and as much of the Intel ones as I can prepare. I figure I can do that and a sort of paperwork thing for the next system generation and be about 85% done with it before Wednesday. That way I can just plug in those final bits and drop it onto the web.

I was thinking of 'going global' with the system recommendations, but I think that will have to wait a bit. Sites not in the U.S. tend to take a while to load as it is, so I wouldn't want to try it wirelessly. As much as those recommendations may help Canada, England, and probably Germany, it will require system builds that take into account the availability and price breakouts of all the areas. That kind of comparison would best be done in multiple windows, an arrangement which would be very difficult on the netbook's small size.

I guess that's all. Nothing too exciting I'm sure. A bit of sort of flirting, which is very exciting, but I'm sure will pass in time. I'm grateful to have it and my gaming and shows. I certainly wouldn't have that interaction if I had enough money to be in a home. But then if I did have a home would it really be a benefit to spend hours upon hours not at home to try and force such situations to happen? I doubt it.

Night peeps. Hope everyone is having a good long weekend.

Day 432 - 9/6 - Getting the site ready

It's a bit later in the day at 4:30. Today has been... unusual. I got up at my weekend 7:00 time but I dind't get more rest at the school spot. It looked like power was still down at the school so I decided to pass on staying. I figured there would be patrols and all.

I grabbed a doughnut for breakfast and spent the next four hours working on getting the changes for my site ready for Intel's socket 1156. After I nommed lunch, played, and now we are here.

The cute redhead (that works at the shop) said hi, and bye to me when she got off shift. But again I think it was just a regular friendlyness, not a flirting kind of friendlyness.

Not sure how the rest of my day will go. I'll likely just take a rest/nap in the car for a bit then go back to wireless play.

What I really want is a healthy apple with cheese snack, but that can't happen. Well, maybe it could, but the cheese would be rediculously expensive due to the kinds I have access to. Right now I'd love nothing more than that and to be able to make a nice dinner with chicken and rice and to watch some TV for a while. Maybe it's because that's what I'd normally do on a weekend. Maybe I want just that because I'm so tired of not doing it.

Today seems like one of those sad days where I wonder if I'll ever be able to really do the things I enjoy again in the way I enjoy them.

Day 433 - 9/7 - Passed

At aquatics work at about 2. Things started slow but now it's ok since some people are here. There are laughing/happy sounds.

I got results from the CBEST. I passed. Apparently I didn't pass by very much though. I got like 43-46 in each section out of a total 80. I don't know how I did so bad though. (Since I'd gotten 85-90% on the practice test.) I felt really positive about it when I was taking it. Well, passing is passing and it's the teaching that really matters. I can re-learn / get better at the material as things go on. Will this change anything? I really don't know. I don't know where to look that I'm not already looking (save for local middle school and maybe high school sites.)

Still here at work for a few more hours so not much is likely to happen today.

Oh, I have decided to try and eat a bit more healthy. What with the homelessness and not having access to a micro while school is closed I've been eating a lot of bad food. I got a grape snack that will last for two snacks, and in the future I'll try and do apples, oranges, or maybe carrots, instead of so much cake and chips. It's difficult though due to cost and because the food goes bad so much faster than junk food. Well, maybe it is at least one small step I can try and do to get back into shape.

I guess that's all for now. One small step for bunnah.

Day 434 - 9/8 - Launch

It's about noon, lunch time, and a couple of important things have happend so far. On the hobby front Intel's socket 1156 has launched, woot! NewEgg wasn't searchable yet, but they had a few parts up. So they are likely in a state of semi-launch that will be more complete later in the day. I should be able to track down some links and get those on my site after lunch. More importantly I decided to update my resume and check local high schools and middle schools for substitute positions now that I passed the CBEST. I didn't find any sub openings, but I did find a general office position which had an application closing time of 4 PM today, so that may have very much been the hand of Fate there.

I feel prety good, but I'm awfully sleepy. School had power, so I did get to sleep in a bit. I took a super long shower and shaved my parts. Besides the one super quick shower, on I think it was Thursday, I haven't had a chance to get cleaned up lately.

*phew* So, some excitement today so far; product launch, possible job for a me re-launch. That's probably all the excitement for today though, heh.

Time passes

I just finished entering this week's Epic Fail; so much to say this week. I was having a good time at all I can eat pizza watching my shows when something fairly terrible happened. My teeth, which I haven't been able to afford to keep in good shape, have been getting worse and worse through this terrible experience. Not surprisingly one which was extra bad has started to fracture. A good 20% of it broke off and it looks like I'll lose another 10% before too much longer. It actually surprises me that my teeth have been holding up this well what with already being in a very bad state when my homelessness started due to lack of money and insurance from work to cover them. Well, needless to say I now feel super sad, embarresed, a bit like I'm going to cry because I have no idea how long it will be before I can fix that and that it will just continue to get worse and worse as time goes on.

I've always been one to do a lot of soul searching and pondering what defines me, physically, mentally, and emotionally. These most recent trials seem no different. I change how others define me by jumping through hoops to get various 'proof' that I can do certain things. I wonder if I am still me even though I can't do what I used to do on a regular basis. I wonder if the fact that I have to do things differently makes me different; it certainly makes me feel different. And now, as important pieces of me crumble away I wonder if I am still me as my body deteriorates and ages and goes through changes that can't be undone even when I am back in a home doing things with the frequency and in the manner I used to before this whole ordeal started.

Am I still me? Am I just a shadow of me passing along the ground after the true me has died? Am I a phoenix burning and being reborn far quicker and far more times than I should be?

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008, 2009
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

flash required for the logo
best viewed at 1280 wide resolution or higher