Day 5125 (V:849) - 7/13 - Weird feeling heart
Today my heart has been feeling weird, or the area around it. It's probably just some congestion causing a pressure change and overall bad feelings, but whenever this happens I feel extra sad and my P.T.S.D. feelings of death are at their highest. So today mostly was spent feeling like a scared shaking bunny.
I spent a bit less time in my mmo due to feeling sad. I played a bit of a game I got for super cheap on sale about a week ago. I tested a game I'd like to play that I'd got on sale the winter that I had the new laptop, but it was horribly unplayable frame rates even at lower settings, so that one will have to wait. I re-downloaded something I haven't played in a year. I'm surprised it actually does ok at low settings on the old laptop, but honestly I may just delete it and not play due to its poor speed, plus just generally not being super interested in playing without new content. (Plus, within 15 minutes of playing it again I remembered negative things that influenced my decision to stop in the first place.)
So I guess overall today was ok, but I was very worried about my health, my mortality, and overall feeling pretty down.
Day 5126 (V:850) - 7/14 - Sleepy starving
Today I'm very sleepy. I've lost sleep the past few nights. I'm not sure why. I guess just general extreme stress levels. I'm pretty hungry too. Likely because staying awake the extra time each night. I thought maybe I'd get some extra food to micro today, but decided against it when I was at the store, and I kind of regret that now. I'm so hungry.
I guess today was ok. Things seemed extra quiet at the library, but in my head things seemed very loud. It was constantly thinking this or that, a near non-stop self dialogue. Probably because I was so tired.
When I was leaving I stopped in the bathroom and noticed the toilet paper seemed super soft. What an odd thought to feel like I should thank the library for changing away from the scratchier kind.
I guess there wasn't much else to mention for today. It was a pretty regular homeless day.
Day 5127 (V:851) - 7/15 - Poor kitty
Today there isn't much to say. I felt sad, tired, hungry, and alone. I spent maybe half the time I would have in my mmo due to poor bandwidth, then I just did single player stuff where bandwidth didn't matter, and watched videos.
A guildie posted a picture of a broken lamp and said their kitty crashed into it when doing zoomies. I said to try and not be too mad at them. They later posted a picture of the kitty crying from how mad he got. It made me cry that he got mad and made the kitty cry. It's a young kitty, and even if they had been a grown kitty, they wouldn't really understand. They should not be punished for such a thing. It made me very sad.
Day 5128 (V:852) - 7/16 - Old games
Today I am very sleepy. I think I've still been losing sleep. I am still a bit extra hungry, but yesterday I got some extra food, so I'm closer to normal levels of hungry.
I guess today was ok. I felt a bit sad and played my mmo a bit less than normal. Recently I've been checking an old game service, as I noticed the other day I have some games on there I got free that I haven't played yet. One I'm doing now is super cute and fun, so that's nice. I also downloaded one of a series I have two of that I haven't played. This one released in 2015, just a couple years after my laptop, so it runs very well on medium. The next in the series came out in, I think, 2018, so that one I expect won't run as well. I also downloaded one I got when I had the new laptop that I haven't played in 6 months. To my surprise, at lowered settings, it runs totally fine. The in-game benchmark even said it was running at pretty much the 60 FPS cap I'd set it to. So that will be a good one for later, as it's a building game. And depending how well you do, and how the game reacts, there can be very different games.
I'm very sleepy. My eyes are still being kind of weird about focusing. I may need to consider trying my 'reading glasses' I got and haven't used in probably a couple years when they get bad. But I continue to try my best to hang on.
Day 5129 (V:853) - 7/17 - Slow and tired
Today I am still very tired feeling. I feel a bit exhausted overall, and my eye lids feel very heavy. The day was ok, nothing special, but it felt like it passed very slowly. It felt like double the amount of time that it was. In the afternoon I tried to play different things. I deleted one game I'd recently re-downloaded; partly because I just wasn't really interested, and partly due to very low fps on the old laptop. After just spending 15 minutes with it I was pretty rapidly reminded why I stopped playing nearly a year ago. And I spent some time watching random videos.
I guess it was an ok day, but I felt exhausted, and hungry for foods I can't afford.
Day 5130 (V:854) - 7/18 - Quiet day
Today has started as a pretty quiet day. There is almost no one at the library so far, and the streamer I watch is off this week. I am watching other videos, but things seem quieter. I would guess because there isn't the possible interaction with chat that I would normally be watching for.
I'm not sure what to expect for today. I miss many things. I feel sad and at risk of losing what is left. But I also feel a bit oddly at peace with living very small and basically being isolated during these very risky days.
Day 5131 (V:855) - 7/19 - Maybe still hot
Today I don't know what to expect. I expect it will be calm and quiet in the library, possibly slow feeling since I won't have much, if anything, going on in the background. It may be hot, as it's supposed to be in the mid to high 80s all week.
Hopefully it will be a restful day.
Day 5132 (V:856) - 7/20 - Hopeful for not dead
Today was a little disappointing due to some news that came up yesterday. Someone reached out to me about my dead laptop saying they wanted to see if they could help. It turns out they work for the company that makes the laptop. I didn't know what they knew of my story, so I explained what happened. They agreed both that the laptop shouldn't have just died like it did, especially at just over 1 year old, and that I was treated unfairly in that they should have accepted it in to look at it before referencing a price, and agreed that 730 seemed much too high. They said they would reach out to people to see how they could help, but after that, and today, I've heard nothing back from them.
Also, my dad sent word that he wanted to help. I think he may have guilt about things, and he offered a very good amount, but said that would max his credit card, which I said would be a very bad thing since he's on a fixed income and in his 80s. So, I told him to hold off for now and let's see what kind of help the person can do. But if that does fall through, then the best bet would be to go ahead and do the RMA at roughly 750. I still think it's much too high, especially if you add that to the 1200 already spent, but honestly even spending double that on something new would only yield about a 10-20% gain in most cases. Which certainly wouldnt be worth a 100% price increase. I would still be a bit worried since it would only have a few months coverage, but the person said they've had systems in their lab running for years without issues, so, as I suspected, I should be able to expect the laptop to live for several years.
But there was no news today, so everything is in a limbo. But after 6 months of having a corpse doing nothing, a few more days shouldn't matter.
Day 5133 (V:857) - 7/21 - Still trying to stay hopeful
Today I am still trying to stay hopeful about good news for the laptop replacement. There has been no word on any change, so I hope that is promising. I assume the people have regular weekends, so if no movement happens soon then it wouldnt be until after the weekend. I guess really it's not a rush, but with the old option to RMA also now open I would like to have things move forward at a reasonable speed. Though if the slowness means that the swap will be free, or better still an upgrade, that would absolutely be worth the lost time.
There isn't really any other news. The card game I effectively stopped playing (around when the laptop died) is having an event with a super ridiculously cute bunny companion that flies, so obviously now I have to grind through that so I don't miss it. But other than that, all I can do is try to stay hopeful, and try to hang on.
Day 5134 (V:858) - 7/22 - Bouncy soda
Today was very peaceful and quiet. I was really hoping for laptop news, but the person hasn't messaged back since the initial discussion on Tuesday. I hope that means that things are being processed up the chain and I will hear good news soon. But now it's the weekend, so I expect there will be no movement until Monday.
The only interesting news was that on my way out of the library I dropped an unopened can of soda I was carrying. I was both surprised that it bounced, as they seem like hard concrete stairs, and that it didn't explode. That would have been very sad.
Overall I feel pretty exhausted, but I guess pretty hopeful about the laptop maybe being replaced soon. My brain is starting to wake up and remember games that are possible which had been set aside due to them being, well, not likely to run on my old system. And too the thought of being able to be creative and possibly do work on a system is exciting too. So I try to remain hopeful.
Day 5135 (V:859) - 7/23 - Passable
Today was, I guess, passable. Things were quiet and calm. There was, as expected, no news about replacing the dead laptop. I expect there won't be until Monday at the earliest.
I guess I had an ok time with my games and shows. And I tried to be restful. I feel so overly exhausted though.
Day 5136 (V:860) - 7/24 - A bit excited
Today I am starting to feel a little bit excited for the future. The news of eventually getting my new laptop back has me hopeul for future game playing, job prospects (especially remote ones), as well as being back on the new system. I may worry about its sudden death, but I won't constantly be thinking about how the broken keys remind me of my broken teeth, the slowness to open programs reminding me of my own fading mental acuity, the monitor's poor color reminding me of my fading vision, or any number of things I'm reminded of while on my 9-year-old laptop. I dearly love it, but it is very past its prime, and I'd like to retire it, again, before it dies.
I guess today was ok. Nothing really special happened other than I got a juice and some grapes. The rest of my day was a usual day thinking and feeling loss and worry about what is left. All I can do is try my best to hang on to what is left, my routine and what little feelings of safety it has, and try to be as restful and comforted as I can to get through these stressful times.
Day 5137 (V:861) - 7/25 - Freezing
Today has been overly cold so far. It started with a cold shower, which thankfully warmed up after turning on two extra showers to increase the hot water. But now in the library it feels like the A.C. has been blasting non-stop since I came in. It's just past noon and it feels like I need to put on my hoodie to be warm enough. It's a little chillier outside too compared to how it has been.
Sadly there is no update from the person trying to help with my laptop yet. I hate to bug them, and I don't think I will check in again until at least Thursday, but it would be nice to know if there has been any response or movement from their people.
I guess all I can do is continue to hang on.
Day 5138 (V:862) - 7/26 - Hopefully warmer Tuesday
Today hopefully things will be warmer than yesterday, especially in the library. Hopefully I will have news about my laptop's return. I emailed dad on Friday to confirm he'd be ok helping if it fell through and we needed to do the RMA since he offered to help with more than that getting a new one. (I'd need to know his credit card info.) Oddly there hasn't been a response back yet. So I guess overall it's just remaining in limbo, but hopefully it can return soon.
Until then I just have to try my best to hang on.