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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 15: Digital life, dreaming of a real one

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 2 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 3 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 4 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 5 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 7 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 8 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 9 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 10 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 11 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 12 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 13 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 14 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 15 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 751

Day 5251 - 11/16 - Cute bunny

Today was pretty good. My class was pretty fun and I worked on a project I feel pretty good about. Yesterday the professor in my other class gave me some watercolors and a brush to take with me to do assignments with, so that is super nice.

As I was walking in the evening when I passed by someone's place I saw a white critter hop out of view. I doubted what I saw, so I tried to look through the bushes to see better. And I was right, there was a super cute house bunny. I waved and said hi for a few minutes, but they just stayed still, half hidden from my view. I hope they go inside at night. I would think a house bunny wouldn't have a proper outside home to stay warm enough. It got down to freezing the other night.

I guess overall I had a pretty good day, though lately I've been extremely hungry and I'm not sure why. And I'm still very worried about help coming in time for the bills.

Day 5252 - 11/17 - Clinching day

Today was ok I guess. The cafeteria was pretty loud though. I really wonder if I should pick somewhere quieter. I guess it makes me feel a little less lonely though. My ears are ringing, and I had to put my volume up to 50-60 on my headphones, when in quieter times I normally put it around 20.

I think I may have been clinching my jaw. I'm just now feeling the jaw hurting from prolonged smashing. I don't know if it was from being a bit cold, or from the stress of the constant noise.

I guess today was pretty good though. I played my games, did a little bit on a project that is not super great. But it's new material I've never worked with, so that's not surprising. I still feel unusually hungry. I'd say maybe even twice as hungry as just a couple of years ago. And while I'm carrying extra weight, it still feels like I need/want to eat a lot more than normal, and I'm not exactly sure why.

I'm still very worried about bills, but trying to hang on, and hope help comes soon.

Day 5253 - 11/18 - Water

Today was a pretty regular day. I did do some work on a school project with watercolor. It was fun, but it's kind of a disaster. I don't know how to use it and I'm not good with brushes.

Other than that it was a pretty regular day and I had fun with my games. But I am still extremely worried about not enough money for the bills.

Day 5254 - 11/19 - Maybe a tiny bit back

Today I posted the dead laptop hard drive, which I guess is worth a lot more than I thought. The website price is about double what I expected it was worth. So if that sells that's a decent amount back. I also posted the rest of it and someone did contact me and we are tentatively set for Monday. I won't count that it's actually sold until I actually put the money into my account and it clears, but that is only going to be like 1/4 of what I was originally hoping to sell it for. Which is pretty terrible, but I guess it's not nothing.

So today I am still very worried about bills, but I guess finally a little hopeful I may at least recover a little something.

Day 5255 - 11/20 - Not wiggly

Today I tested my wheels. I don't know if I mentioned it, but back when the brakes were done I peeked on the freeway. When I was going faster I noticed the steering wheel got a little wiggly. I have wondered if the alignment got messed up, so I peeked on the freeway this morning for about 1 mile. I got up to nearly 70 and it was totally solid, no wiggle at all.

Other than that the day felt slow. For whatever reason this weekend has felt about like a week long. I guess next weekend it almost will be what with the two days where everything is closed. Hopefully I won't be too cold.

I am still pretty worried about the bills. And I continue to try to hang on and hope that help comes. And maybe with turkey weekend and Xmas I can get some extra gift help and be ok.

Day 5256 - 11/21 - Maybe hopefully gone

Today theoretically I am finally getting rid of the dead laptop. At this point it is more to just get rid of it so I can finally move on more than anything else. It will sell for about 1/4 what I was hoping to recover. And even if I had been able to get that full amount, it would have still been only about 40% what it would have been worth new for those specs. I am glad I have the new laptop, because it's much better overall, but it came at a pretty tremendous cost.

Hopefully I'll have fun in class. I'll be moving on to a new project since I'm about a half a class ahead, so hopefully it will be fun and interesting.

I continue to hang on to hope help comes for the bills that are due soon. And hopefully enough to sign up for classes soon too. I'm sure things will fill quickly since even with money I have to wait until the last group time to sign up. But I try to stay hopeful. I try to hang on. And I try to be as ok as I can be; emotionally and physically.

Day 5257 - 11/22 - New thing Tuesday

Today I'm sure class will have a new project and hopefully be something fun. I don't know what to expect, but I would guess it's another watercolor thing. I did a practice one and it did look a lot closer to what I imagined it 'should' look like, but I clearly still have a very long way to get used to the watercolors and brushes in general. It's pretty fun and relaxing though.

As always, I continue to hope help comes for the bills. Things are getting rougher. And with the holidays, it's always a tougher time to hang on emotionally.

Week 752

Day 5258 - 11/23 - Flake, and probably a scammer

Today I got an email from a second person about the dead laptop. It immediately seemed suspicious because they had a phone number which said to call them. Why make an email and then say to call and not spend the few seconds to just type what you would say on the phone? Sure sure, maybe they prefer phone, but what really made it look suspicious was the name flag in the email was like "John" someone, but they said in the text their name was "Todd". That screams scam bulk email. So I responded back with the times I'd be available and for them to email me back. That was around 11 this morning, and when I went offline around 5 I hadn't heard back. I won't immediately report and flag them for spam, but I expect in a few days I'll still hear nothing and will do it then.

Clearly since I still have the laptop the Monday deal fell through. The person was being picky about this and that. They claimed that since I removed the little holding claps on those cables that I probably broke them, and they wouldn't be easy to replace. Which is completely contrary to the people on the enthusiast site said, who said those are very cheap and easy to replace. He offered half at 40, which I scoffed at, then upped to 60, which I was slightly tempted by, but I still said 'nope' and packed things up. Even at less than half of new value, the battery, power supply, and ram, alone would add up to that 80, which doesn't count the screen, keyboard, and everything else in the chassis. I'd rather take the risk of needing to part it out after turkey weekend than take an extremely low offer.

So again I'm back to being very worried about my bills. I think I just need a bit more than selling the hard drive, or all the other individual parts, to be ok with the most important bills. So I'm not critically or extremely worried yet. There is also the possibility of turkey weekend or Xmas gifts that I could use if they are gift money. But, it's still at a point where I am pretty worried. But really I guess that has kind of been the case every year after losing my job, especially these past two holiday times and this one.

But I continue to try to stay hopeful things will be ok. That I can stay warm and healthy enough. And that help will come in time.

Day 5259 - 11/24 - Turkey Turkey

Today there was a bit of a surprise. The ex-roomie said I could be in the garage for the afternoon and evening, and connect wirelessly. So I was still chilly, but I got some turkey day foods, and got to play and watch shows while bundled up a bit.

Today was pretty sad still, but I guess it was better than expected.

Day 5260 - 11/25 - A bit broken hearted

Today I am feeling a bit brokenhearted, and I suppose a bit melancholy. I am sad about important bills not being covered. I am sad about not recovering anything yet for the dead laptop. I am sad seeing how fun and cool a new game is that I've been wanting to play for 2 years is now that it's out in early access.

And this year it seems there are many little reminders of things I miss or things that make me sad. Things that once made me happy. Like seeing a delivery truck and how that once meant a cool fun thing that I ordered was here. Now it's a reminder I can't afford things, but everyone around me can. Or smelling holiday foods being cooked reminds me I can not only not cook, but don't have friends or loved ones to go see and do fun things with.

Things were a bit odd in time today. It was chilly outside of the library, but not too bad. But the sun started coming into my area by about 1:30, which was sooner than I expected. I had to move into my car, but it was ok. It was warmer and I did homework things.

Today feels a bit extra hard and sad. Though I did get a couple of smaller gifts that will maybe be enough to clear the most critical of bills. But all I can do is continue to try to hang on, and try to have fun where and when I can.

Day 5261 - 11/26 - Unbanned for life?

For a few days Ebay was spamming me with marketing junk emails. The first two I just clicked 'unsubscribe' and was like, 'why are you sending me marketing junk if I'm banned for life?' And dropped them into the trash. When I'd gotten a third I said 'fine' and pushed the 'change your contact preferences' button expecting it to fail. It did not. It seemed to think my old account, the one I originally couldn't reset the password for so I created the new one, is still active. Maybe they only banned it for a short time while perma banning the other?

But I set up a sale page, set up my banking info, and it seems to have stuck. I checked back later and there were four offers to buy it immediately. Three of them were from other countries, two from Denmark, and one from I think Austria. Oh hell no am I going to ship to another country for the $12 I put. But someone here in the states offered $200, which was quite a bit over my minimum I'd put, so I accepted.

That was yesterday though. I sent an invoice and still haven't heard from them. I'm not super worried yet because it's turkey weekend, but investigating their profile they have no comments and they only created it a few days ago. So now I am a bit worried they used a fake account to delay my sale for some reason. I guess Ebay says they will send them a reminder to pay tomorrow, but I really need that money ASAP. I have bills rapidly approaching that would really use it. If they just keep ignoring payment I have no idea how long that will put things in limbo before I could relist.

I guess I had an ok day today. I did a pretty boring and repetitive thing in a game, so that kind of killed my mood. And I was pretty cold most of today, so that was sad too.

I guess though I made it through, and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 5262 - 11/27 - Still not paid

Today things felt a bit sad. The person still hasn't paid for the laptop sale. I don't know what is up with that. It has to be a faked account to get me to pull the posting down for whatever reason. I guess if they haven't paid within four days of the sale I can re-list it. (That is calendar days, not business.) So I think that should be Tuesday.

I guess today was ok other than that. I did more watercolor work and one drawing is still just blobby, but the other one is kind of better. I have some gradients and light color, so I think it's ok.

So today I am still worried about bills, but still trying to stay hopeful that the dead laptop stuff will finally sell soon and I'll be better.

Day 5263 - 11/28 - Unknown Monday

Today should be another fun class. Oops, I guess I forgot to get some stuff ready for it. I'll probably have to make a special trip to the public library to do that. Dang it. But hopefully the day should still be fun. Hopefully the person sends payment for the laptop. And hopefully I can continue to hang on.

Day 5264 - 11/29 - Preparing for the final

Today in class we will be talking about the final. I guess it's a watercolor piece that's supposed to be in the German expressionist style. Hopefully that means I won't have to be super realistic, as works I do from my imagination, or which are free to be totally abstract, seem to work a lot better.

Hopefully the person pays me for the laptop if they haven't yet. Hopefully the extra M.2 drive sells soon as well. And hopefully I can continue to hang on until better days.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2022
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