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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 15: Digital life, dreaming of a real one

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 2 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 3 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 4 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 5 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 7 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 8 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 9 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 10 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 11 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 12 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 13 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 14 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 15 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 749

Day 5237 - 11/2 - Kept starting

Today was a pretty good day. In the morning I helped a guildie get something, but it took all my morning game time and I had to rush. It felt bad to be super rushy, but it was a dungeon they weren't likely to get help with on that day otherwise.

Class was super fun. I guess I've gotten super far ahead. The project I basically had ready this morning isn't due until Monday, so I am effectively nearly two full classes ahead. A few others are ahead too, so we started the next thing, so that too is a little ahead now.

When I went to leave school my car did a weird thing. I started it, but then it kind of kept trying to start, and the fan was running at max. It's like it got stuck in the start phase. So the engine was running, but it was still 'cranking' on top of that, making the engine extra wiggly. The inside lights were all on too, something it does when in the start cycle to test the lights. I shut the engine off, but it kept trying to start as the engine slowed down to stop over the next 5 or so seconds. I waited nervously for about 10 seconds before trying again, and it turned on completely normally. I drove to where I was going, parked, and shut the car off. I again waited about 10 seconds, restarted, and it started fine again. So I guess maybe something just got stuck that one time? Or there was a weird computer hiccup in not registering the start was complete? I guess I'll try not to worry about it unless it happens again.

I've been very worried about bills though. Without recovering money from the dead laptop things are going to be short when they start to come due in a month. I'll try the more local site on the weekend and maybe let it go into next week. But then I've got to try breaking it down into its base parts and get what I can.

I've been pretty worried about my heart lately too. It doesn't feel great in there. Just walking a little tires me out, and with tiring out so easily even trying to do a tiny bit of stretching to start working out feels like it is too much of a strain. But I guess I have to force myself to try, however small, as it doesn't feel like it will get any better at the rate I'm going. And it would be like $250+ to try and get back on meds, per year, so that is not at all an option.

But all I can do is continue to hang on, and try to deal with things one at a time as best as I can.

Day 5238 - 11/3 - Not feeling great physically

Today I don't feel great physically. I feel like I have a bit of an upset tummy, headache, and a bit of dizziness. I don't know if that is or is not related to some pretty extreme tooth and jaw pain I've had lately, which I've been medium to high dosing on pain meds to keep things manageable.

Other than that the day was pretty good. It started a bit shaky as I guess one area of the cafeteria has maybe a dead circuit, so several plugs are dead there. But after about an hour I got into my regular spot and everything was quick and fine. Things flew by and I had a couple of good groups. I don't think I got any loot to speak of, but I had a good time.

Before I knew it it was time to have dinner. I was even a touch later than I wanted, so I only watched half a show, but it worked out fine.

I have a bit to do with one midterm thing, but I'm actually looking forward to it. Both classes are making stuff and being creative, so they are both pretty fun. I guess classes have sign ups pretty soon, though I think my time isn't until close to December. I'll either need a decent amount of help, or have to sell the dead laptop, and its hard drive, at decent values. Though I guess my hopes of selling the dead laptop at any kind of real value is long gone with posting it at an ever decreasing price and having zero interest.

My heart feels pretty terrible today. I did manage to be restful at school, and did the smallest of workouts, so that is something.

All I can do is try to hang on, hope help comes, and maybe opportunity for things that I can do that are reasonable, and try to manage things as best as I can.

Day 5239 - 11/4 - Painful, but ok day

Today there was still a pretty high level of pain in one area of my teeth and jaw. Hopefully that will quiet down soon, but as always it's very heartbreaking as I know that means something very bad is happening that shouldn't be. I don't have the tens of thousands needed to fix things, so there is nothing I can do but hope it passes soon.

I still have the floater in the middle of my vision in my right eye. It's been 2.5 months now and it's been pretty annoying. When I looked it up online I guess 3-6 months isn't unusual for older people, so hopefully it passes soon.

Outside of my pain, today was pretty good. I was relaxed, though my tummy wasn't very happy about my food choice. I was warm enough. But the connection was stable and solid, and I had some good groups, so play time was pretty good. I considered doing some homework, but I decided to do it later. I can't put it off too much, as it's due Monday, but there should be plenty of time.

I did worry quite a bit about the bills though, but all I can do is hope help comes. And hopefully I can make it through physically and emotionally until it does, and hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 5240 - 11/5 - Maybe food poisioning

Today started ok, but since I ate a different lunch I've felt increasingly sick. My tummy is pretty upset feeling, and I've had a migraine so bad my eyes are killing me, my ears have been badly ringing, and I have a slight dizziness. And for a while I felt like I was going to throw up. I have about 5 more hours to be awake before my normal sleeping time, but I may just put my head down and rest and not do anything.

The day was pretty good otherwise, but right now I feel in so much pain from the headache and feel so bad overall I can't think straight.

Day 5241 - 11/6 - Feeling a bit better

Today I am feeling mostly better. I did just rest last night, and by about 10 my tummy felt better. Today my ears are still ringing pretty badly, but aside from extremely mild headache and eye ache, and moderate tooth pain, I feel ok. The connection at the library was pretty garbage. It was almost completely unplayable by the afternoon. It was ok though, as I'd set aside the last 2 hours to do my homework that I need to do. I did do enough dailies in my game to be ok though.

So I try to hang on. I try to not worry about bills. I try to not worry about school costs I can't cover. And I hope help comes.

Day 5242 - 11/7 - Rainy Monday

Today will probably be very rainy. It was pouring rain last night, but has been calm today so far. I'm a bit sleepy, probably from the time change, which seems odd due to it being an hour more sleep. I was extra hungry, so I got an actual breakfast food. I guess today is a fancy midterm presentation in class, so maybe not as fun as the normal creative things, but hopefully it should be fun.

Day 5243 - 11/8 - Probably rainy Tuesday

Today will probably be rainy again. I think my class is just an open class, so hopefully I can use some supplies I don't have to finish my midterm. Hopefully today will be fun, in class, and after when I'm being restful. Hopefully I won't be too worried about bills and help will come.

Week 750

Day 5244 - 11/9 - Soup

Today has had a bit of sprinkle during the day, but at night lately it has been completely pouring rain. I've been able to avoid it, and I did get that big fancy umbrella during the early days of the apocalypse, so that is good.

Today I had soup for lunch, the first since the start of the apocalypse. I don't know why I've forgotten to get soups these past 6-7 weeks. I guess with being unable to for so long I just completely put it out of my mind. Tomorrow I have food for all day, so that will be nice to skip going to the food store in the morning. I used to do that once or twice a week in the before time on showering days. The fancy soup was about 3 back then, now it's 4-4.50. And the cheap soup that were 1 in the before time, I'm not sure what they are today, but last I checked they were up around 2, which seems like a pretty big price jump. I got a 4 for 2 deal for the fancy ones, so that is an ok price. I will likely avoid them at full price though, because for just 1-2 more I can get a better micro meal.

Not much for today other than I'm pretty cold, and very sad, and there has been no offer on the dead laptop, even as low as $100 for its current posting. I guess next week I'll have to do individual parts and then practically give away what hasn't sold at that point.

Day 5245 - 11/10 - Maybe car Friday

Today was a pretty restful day. It was pretty loud in the cafeteria, so my ears are ringing, and I really just did daily stuff in my games since I wouldn't have been able to hear shows well.

Tomorrow I have another possible day to do the car things with the person who wanted to help me. At this point I don't see anything changing plans, so it will totally be reliant on if the person can do the work, and do it tomorrow, and a question of what things we will have them do. If they can't do anything then that will be a massive loss, as getting there and back will likely take more than an entire week's worth of gas. Sure, that's a tiny fraction of what just the back breaks would cost to fix, but that is about $12 I can't really replace. I've already had to nibble away at bill money with gas, and I'm already going to be short to pay them.

So hopefully tomorrow will turn out good in repairs. Hopefully it doesn't take too long and take too much gas. The library and school are closed for the holiday, so this is the perfect day to lose to this with it being so cold I wouldn't want to be sitting outside much. I don't know if I'll be warm while I wait for them to do the work, but I'm fine waiting on a day I'd otherwise be cold outside.

But hopefully tomorrow will go ok. Hopefully things will be improved. And hopefully I can continue to hang on until help comes for the bills.

Day 5246 - 11/11 - All the brakes

Today went ok. It was tiring and different though. In the morning I went over to the car place to get the work done. I got there 15 minutes earlier than I expected, which was about 45 minutes earlier than I was told they would be open. But there were already people there, and cars being worked on. The sign on the window said they opened at 8:30, not the 9:30 time I was told. I called my friend and she came over, and the lead mechanic seemed wobbly about what they were going to do. I guess I get it, you can't really see everything before taking things apart, but it kind of seemed unprofessional in his wobbliness. So we left it with them and went to do other things. About 1.5 hours later they called and said it would be 450 for the back breaks because the drum things were both too worn out, and 250 for the front ones. Before I could say anything the helping friend said, 'Well, it costs what it costs. Call us when it's done.'

I was fine to just go back and wait, as it would be about 4 hours, but she took me back to her place. Her husband was preoccupied with doing stuff, so I basically just connected to their network and did some daily game stuff. I wasn't super comfortable there though, as I was put in a soft chair, which isn't good for my bad back. And there was 'maker stuff' piled up everywhere. I forgot that I live a totally Spartan life (when I can be in a place) and most people live... differently... and I'm the odd one. But I got to play for a bit, and while it wasn't super warm I wasn't outside, so I guess that's something.

So all the brake stuff is done. It's odd that it doesn't seem to stop faster than it did before, but the brakes react pretty much instantly pushing the pedal, and the emergency parking brake only needs to be pulled up maybe 75% as far as before. She also filled my gas tank, which is very nice, but since I haven't been able to do that in about 6 years the gauge kind of looks broken being all the way past full.

So things feel a bit safer, though spending that much money still feels very odd. Especially since it's for something I can't see and verify. My day was completely spent by that and the travel time there and back. The couple hours I could have had detouring over to the library wouldn't have been worth it. But hopefully tomorrow will be a normal day, and I can be restful and recover and go back to my normal routine.

Day 5247 - 11/12 - In the ears

Today was pretty good. Driving around when I brake I still hear a shoop shoop shoooooop in my ears. I have to remind my brain that is just my imagination. There is no actual sound. Things are fine now. I guess even when it wasn't overtly audible it was still heard by my ears at a subconscious level, and so after it happening for so long there is a lingering echo when I expect to hear it.

Things felt odd today. I'm not sure if it was due to the change, due to doing a bit of homework in the morning, or being thrown off by the events of yesterday still.

I guess the day was good though. The connection was strong and stable and I had fun playing stuff. There was a special giveaway happening on some streams, which I'd forgotten was a thing, so I had someone's stream on in the background at about 5% volume for most of the day. Maybe that made me feel a bit thrown off too.

But today was pretty good. I held on ok. I feel safer driving my car. And though I am still very worried about being short for bills, I continue to try to hang on to hope that help will come in time.

Day 5248 - 11/13 - Revert the drivers

Today in the morning my mmo felt very slow. Slow to the point it made me not feel like playing. I thought it was just a symptom of my feeling very tired, or possibly a slow connection, so I just did the minimal amount of dailies I do and moved on. Later in the mmo I've maybe returned to it again felt like the FPS was extremely low. This time I remembered to turn on the display and check, and to my surprise it was showing about 25 FPS, way lower than it should be. When I finished the dungeon I was in I stopped playing and checked a benchmark I've used before, and again it showed as running at about 28 FPS. I started to worry and panic that maybe my laptop wasn't talking to my graphics correctly. But then I remembered that only yesterday it got a driver update (ones that have tweaks for a new game that came out that I don't play.) So I went to the older drivers section and reinstalled drivers from two versions back. Sure enough, the benchmark showed 140-160 FPS (as it did when the laptop was new), and the mmo showed 50-60 FPS (it runs pretty rough, so that's actually fast there.) So, phew, what was a moment of panic was fixed. It has to be at least 10 years, maybe even as many as 20, since I've had to revert drivers like that due to horribly crippled performance, so I'm glad I remembered that was a possibility.

Outside of that the day was pretty regular. I did start it with some general videos and messing around, and then worked a bit on my midterm that's coming up, but besides that it was a pretty regular day of playing and watching a few shows.

I guess overall today was pretty good in the end, and the library was warm enough for the first time in months and I could take my hoodie off.

Day 5249 - 11/14 - Rain paused Monday

Today the rain has seemingly paused. For the past few days it's done that. It rains at night, and then seemingly pauses during the day.

It's getting pretty cold though and I'm starting to wonder if I need to bring in my towel to dry on showering days like today. I know in January and February it's too cold to dry left in the car during the day, but it feels like it's already starting to get cold enough I may need to start bringing it in very soon.

Day 5250 - 11/15 - Midterm day

Today is the day the midterm I've been working on is due. I think I did a pretty good job and my style has improved quite a bit since starting the classes. I think we might be presenting them in class? I'm not sure. (We normally just turn them in through the website.) Hopefully things should be fun today.

I'm still very worried about the bills. My dead laptop still isn't selling, and I really need to start trying to sell it in individual parts, though I expect that won't do any better. So I continue to try to hang on and hope help comes to cover the bills soon.

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