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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 15: Digital life, dreaming of a real one

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 2 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 3 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 4 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 5 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 7 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 8 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 9 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 10 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 11 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 12 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 13 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 14 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 15 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 771

Day 5391 - 4/5 - Tired day

Today I don't know why, but I am very extremely tried. I got enough sleep but for some reason I am just borderline exhausted.

I guess it was a pretty regular day. I played a bit and watched some shows. I guess it was a good enough day, but I could have been more comfortable. I could have had much better food. And I would have liked to be somewhere I knew people cared for me.

Day 5392 - 4/6 - Reversed

Today was pretty strange. I did get a shower and stuff in the morning at school, so that was good. But when I got to the library things were turned around. I thought I was hungry, set out a breakfast next to me, but then spaced out and just did junk nothings. I didn't eat, nor did I jump into the game I play in the morning. Before I knew it more than an hour had passed and it was time for lunch. I saved my breakfast for a night snack and will eat it later. I actually completely forgot to do my morning game until after it was time to stop playing my afternoon game. I guess it was because I felt very sleepy again, and overall felt a bit odd.

I guess it wasn't a bad day though. I played my games. I watched my shows. The food from the store wasn't great, but it wasn't as bad as it could be. So overall it wasn't a terrible or bad day. My eyes hurt and I have bad headaches, probably low-level migraines all day, but overall I hung on ok.

Day 5393 - 4/7 - Back pain

Today I have a mysterious back pain. It's weird because I'm ok sitting, but when I try to stand up and straighten my back my lower and mid back hurt, like I pulled or strained something. It's very strange that it only hurts when I straighten.

Other than that I am still just really tired. I feel really extra hungry too, like I need real cooked food. I guess that is probably due to the week now of not even having micro food. It's just all cold lunchmeat or ready to eat type foods. I have had some grapes lately, as they seem to be back in season. They kind of wreck me though. My body isn't good with fruit lately.

I didn't play too much due to my being extremely tired. I just watched some extra shows. But I guess I hung on ok.

Day 5394 - 4/8 - Shows

Today I felt pretty tired again. I am feeling very hungry lately too. I guess it was a pretty regular day, though I didn't feel like playing a lot, so I watched extra shows.

I still have the strange mystery back pain though it's not too bad. I still totally forget I'll feel a bit weird when I stand up. It's not super painful, just a weird cramp type feeling and with no knowledge of how it happened.

I guess I hung on ok, though tomorrow may be a bit rough since I'll have to be outside all day because the library will be closed.

Day 5395 - 4/9 - Ok bun day

Today was, I guess, about what I expected. In the morning I went to the food store and got a few things for the day. I went to the outside the library spot. The connection was fine. There were some people around most of the day. I played a minimum of games and watched a show, then the sun started to come into the area, so I went to a different spot to watch a few more things on my tablet.

There was no celebration of me, but I didn't expect there would be. I think maybe there will be a few things online, and probably something from dad eventually, but that will likely be it. With my sad life I can't celebrate the day as I'd like, but I guess for what my life is it was about as I expected and nothing bad happened.

Day 5396 - 4/10 - Another cycle starts

Today will be the first day for new classes. The in person class is 'life drawing', so I expect I'll be super bad at it, as I have a very hard time with living things, but maybe it will teach me basics to not be so bad.

Hopefully the day will be ok and maybe I can even have some fun.

Day 5397 - 4/11 - Casual day

Today should be a pretty casual day. I have an online class that will post stuff Tuesdays, so I will probably do at least half the week's work today, like I did last quarter. It's technically history, but it's another art related one, so hopefully it will be at least a little interesting.

Besides the new classes I don't expect anything new or interesting will come up Monday or Tuesday, but hopefully I can continue to hang on ok.

Week 772

Day 5398 - 4/12 - Look so fat

Today was mostly a good day. The during class part was pretty fun. We practiced doing super quick line drawing sketches of people doing various poses, at 1 minute each. Then we went outside and did a longer 10 minute sketch. One of the super cute girls was drawing me, so I drew her. I claimed 'she started it' and she and her friend giggled. When the time was up she asked to see her. It was pretty good; not the worst but not super great. And she showed me her me. I said, "Awww. I look so fat." And it made me sad.

The drawing was accurate. It was really good. I mean no one would know it was me who wasn't in the class, there weren't facial details. It was just an outline and scribbly sketch of a figure. But I looked fat. And I knew it was accurate.

When the apocalypse started and I was nervous and shaking all the time I probably lost some weight I'd been trying to lose for a few years. I'd guess I'd gotten down to somewhere around 180-190, from probably 220. But now I've regained it, and more. I'm probably the biggest I've ever been in my whole life. I wouldn't be surprised if I were pushing closer to 240 or more these days. And that makes me very sad. At the start of my homeless time I was probably close to what an ideal weight would be for my size, build, and genetics at around 160-170. But now I feel like I've bloated up out of control since then. Lately I feel like a sausage beign squozen and my skin is about to pop.

I feel fat. I feel tired. I feel hungry almost all the time. And I feel old. When I think about how I look I don't envision a fat me. I don't picture baggy and sunken eyes and jowls. But it is there. And it is how I am. And I don't know if, or when, I can ever change that.

Day 5399 - 4/13 - Still way off

Today I am still feeling way off. I'm still hungry to the point where I feel like I could eat 100% more food than I normally do, and drink maybe 20% more. And I feel so exhausted I feel like I need at least 4 more hours of sleep, or more. It doesn't seem normal, but I guess it has been generally increasing for 6 months to a year. I've checked online before and it usually just finds results in depression or sadness, which I guess makes sense, but it seems like it should be something of greater connection to happen for so long and to this degree.

I guess the day was ok other than that. I did a little bit of stuff for a class, but mostly I played, watched shows, and otherwise tried to relax. I guess things were ok, but with the extreme hunger and exhaustion I feel pretty off in general.

Day 5400 - 4/14 - Hacked headphones

Today I guess I feel pretty good. Yesterday I was feeling a bit happy, and though I think I lost a few hours of sleep, I still feel a bit better than normal.

Lately I have been doing a lot of research and testing with some older headphones I have. This newer tech, Dolby Atmos, is starting to show up in games. My main MMO uses it, so I tested it, and the positional sounds are insane. The 3d-ness is subtle, but some things like voices 'behind and to my side' are so much more realistic I jump in my seat thinking they are real. I've been a bit sad discovering it as I thought I'd have to either change to that older headphone all the time, or get new ones. But I actually found online recently that people have hacked the main headphones I use to get them to work. The reason it doesn't by default is that it uses special software and drivers so you can do things like check the battery percent, or add simulated 5.1 or 7.1 sounds, or use special EQ settings. But I don't use that stuff, and if I charge regularly there's no reason to check the battery percent with the software. Plus it beeps if it gets past a certain low point, so I know to plug it in. So the people online say changing to a generic driver makes it so you can use Atmos (at the loss of the connection to the special software.) And so woooo, my game I play kind of the most sounds awesome now. Right now I think it's the only game that uses it, but I know another one I pre-ordered due out in a month and a half uses it too. And hopefully more will in the future. (I found out the 'generic driver' was also updated this year, while the special software ones hadn't been since 2018.)

It was a pretty regular day other than getting a couple of pencils for class. But I got to play my games, was a bit extra hungry, but mostly ok on food, and things were quiet and calm, so I held on ok.

Day 5401 - 4/15 - A little more

Today I had a little more food than normal. Mostly I don't feel hungry. I actually don't think I eat much in terms of calories. And maybe not being as hungry will help balance my sleep. During the week, in food, I'd guess my recent calorie is probably only about 750-850, which sounds like not very much. I'll have to check what is 'average'. But if I do something like get an extra spaghetti for lunch on a day that would make that closer to 1k, which still sounds low. That's just food though, not soda. (Which I guess would average 450-600 more.)

I guess today I am pretty ok. I played a bit longer in my MMO than usual. And I barely got to play my shooter because the server was having issues. But I did some daily stuff, which was enough since I can't get into important group stuff. So, overall today was ok.

Day 5402 - 4/16 - Extra bread

Today I feel super tired. I got a bit extra sleep, and dreamed a lot, but I still feel like I didn't sleep enough.

I got an extra sandwich bread today, and spread my usual lunchmeat between the two breads instead of one. It was just an extra 6" x not even 3" bread, but it helped me not feel as hungry. I guess that is a good thing, but it seems strange because normally I'd have 1-2 "servings" of chips, so I'd think overall it would be about the same since I didn't have chips today and didn't want to get an entire new bag to have some.

I played a fair bit today, doing extra stuff I wanted to do in my MMO and less in my shooter since I'm at a 'meh' point in their seasonal content again. But overall I suppose it was a pretty good day.

Day 5403 - 4/17 - Scribbly Monday

Today will probably be a lot of scribbly drawings in class. We aren't getting formal training in terms of a lot of techniques so much as getting one and practicing using that a lot before the next. I guess that makes sense since we are just doing people, but I kind of expected we would do parts first. Like this week is hands, the next arms, then legs, etc.

It's pretty fun so far though, so hopefully I can hang on a bit easier.

Day 5404 - 4/18 - Online class day

Today is a day where I do all my online class stuff and just hang out in the cafeteria all day. It's pretty loud in there sometimes, but nowhere near what it was before the apocalypse. By about 3 it's pretty empty, and by 4 there are only about a dozen in the entire cafeteria area, so it's pretty quiet and only really noisy about 4 hours.

Hopefully I can relax and do fun things, and class won't just be all names and dates and boring things, and the day will be a bit easier to hang on.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2022
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)
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