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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 15: Digital life, dreaming of a real one

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 2 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 3 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 4 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 5 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 7 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 8 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 9 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 10 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 11 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 12 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 13 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 14 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 15 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 747

Day 5223 (V:947) - 10/19 - A long wait

Today the long wait for my laptop return is finally over. I did wind up waiting the morning hours in my car. But while I was having a good time and being creative in my class it arrived at the ex-house. It actually didn't take too long to get things updated and ready to play.

And with its return and no movement on the dead laptop, I decided to wipe the dead laptop's drive (before putting the external drive housing into storage.) So, maybe at least I can get a little bit back from selling that separately. I may have to take a nearly full loss on the rest. The corpse has gone through two cycles of trying to be sold (at I think 14 days each?) and hasn't. When this current cycle ends I'll pull out the battery and power supply and try to sell them individually. Maybe even the ram as well. Maybe since those could be used by multiple systems those would sell individually. Though with the monitor having scratches I may try and see if that scratch repair method works and use it as a test before trying to sell that part again).

The weather has gone back to crazy hot again. I was almost sweating hot when outside at school walking around. I guess it will stay that way through the weekend before it starts to cool down again.

Now that the new laptop is back I can try out two games I've been waiting to get for free. The new laptop came with a free month of Xbox Game Pass, and I had been waiting for one of the games to release before using it. People say that one only takes 5-8 hours to finish, so that should easily be done. I've been waiting years for it to come out, as it has a visual art style heavily influenced by an artist I like, so visually at least it should be amazing.

I guess though it was a rough start, today turned out pretty good.

Day 5224 (V:948) - 10/20 - So sleepy

Today I am pretty exhausted. I don't know why, but I couldn't sleep until about 3 in the morning last night. I guess outside of that it was a good day. I'm super happy to have my new laptop back. I'd forgotten how super fast it is, and with nicer colors. I probably should have done some homework stuff today, but I'm tired, and I have plenty of time to do it later.

Hopefully tonight I can sleep better, and continue to hang on.

Day 5225 (V:949) - 10/21 - Ok day

Today was a pretty ok day. There morning went a little off, so I didn't start playing until a bit later than usual. But I had a good time in my games. I got a special food too, so that was nice.

As always, I try to continue to hang on as best as I can.

Day 5226 (V:950) - 10/22 - Worrying day

Today was a bit of a worrying day. In the early afternoon my top right pointy tooth felt very sharp, which it shouldn't be, as it's always been kind of a dull pyramid shape. Feeling it, the tip has come off, so it's very sharp, which feels like the doom of the tooth. Which is strange to say, since about 25% of the total of it has gone (the side facing the next front tooth has been gone.) But with all of my teeth I've lost, it's always been the tip, or a peak, that seemed to seal its doom.

So I have been worried there will be more loss, terrible loss, before my sad journey is complete and I can get back to something resembling a normal life.

Other than that I guess the day was good. The new laptop is flying along and there was only the slightest wobble on the connection when I started playing, which was pretty quickly gone and then things were smooth after that.

I guess all I can do is continue to hope there is not too much loss; physically or emotionally, before I'm back to some kind of regular life.

Day 5227 (V:951) - 10/23 - Candies

Today was ok. The connection was stable and solid, so I got to play my games. I had shows to watch, but I guess I didn't really feel in the mood to watch any as it didn't cross my mind and I didn't check what I had.

I got candies for the people in my class today, which is very nice. Last year I didn't have class due to the online stuff. And the, I think, two years before that I couldn't afford it. This year I have plenty of monies, which is good as things seem overpriced.

So today was pretty good, though I still have my very sad things in the back of my mind. But I held on a little bit easier.

Day 5228 (V:952) - 10/24 - Tired Mondy

Today I'm super tired. I again had a hard time sleeping last night for some reason. I lost a few hours of what should have been sleeping time to seemingly nothing. Hopefully I will have fun in class, and hopefully I can use some supplies to finish my project for my Tuesday class. (Since it only meets once a week it's tough to get supplies I need for the homeworks.) I think I'll feel ok later, but for now my sleepy self tries to hang on.

Day 5229 (V:953) - 10/25 - Candy Tuesday

Today will be the first day I bring candies for the students. Hopefully everything is ok today. Hopefully I have a good time in class and got ok sleep. And hopefully I can continue to hang on.

Week 748

Day 5230 (V:954) - 10/26 - Almost locked keys

Today I almost locked the keys in my car. I had stopped at school, took my keys out and put them in my pocket, and then remembered I wanted pictures of the dash for a project, and thought maybe the keys should be in the picture. Then, I got out of the car, locked the door, and closed it. Thankfully I did as I always do and unlocked the passenger side to get my stuff immediately after stopping. If I hadn't done that who knows how many hours I would have had to wait for my insurance people to come unlock it. I have extra keys in my backpack, but that was inside at the time so it wouldn't have helped.

The past couple of days were good. The kids were super surprised and happy that I had candy, so that was fun. I ate borderline too much each day, what with my being more sensitive to chocolate now I can't have a lot.

I am very exhausted today, but with the extra fun in class I'm hanging on ok.

Day 5231 (V:955) - 10/27 - Ok day

Today was a pretty ok day. I played and was restful and watched a show. I remember the morning, then poof late afternoon, then time for dinner and needing to leave. Things passed pretty quickly.

I did eat two different foods today. One was ok, but I don't think it cooked right. The pasta felt stiff and dry. The other was yummy, but a bit too spicy for me, so it kind of wrecked my tummy.

I did get a notice saying my phone was suspended due to no money to pay the monthly recurring bill. It's only $10 for 3 months, so it's a really good deal, but I don't have enough for important bills, and now that's taking a bit more away. I was really hoping to sell the dead laptop for a few hundred and be ok, but so far I've gotten nothing back for it. Probably this weekend I'll part it out, and hope I can sell the battery, ram, and hard drive to at least get something back. Or maybe I'll give it one final try on a different sale site (as a whole unit.)

All I can do is continue to pray and hope help comes, and that I can hang on until it does.

Day 5232 (V:956) - 10/28 - Sleepy day

Today I got to sleep in. I think I slept a total of maybe 12 hours, which seems crazy. I got some lunch meat I haven't had in a while and it feels very heavy and junky. Tomorrow I'll go get the cooked chicken fast food, so that should be better.

I only played online for a tiny bit today. I did some stuff for a mid-term I have coming up. And I'll play some single player stuff in a bit and then watch some shows.

I guess today was pretty ok. Though I feel kind of very sad. I think it's because my life feels pretty limited overall today. I'm in pretty poor health, and I had sad dreams last night that maybe stuck with me. In part I ran into my first love and we reconnected. (Over the years now and then I've tried to find her, but we aren't in the same circles anymore.) And in another part of the dream I met up with a childhood friend who I didn't remember. I was apparently at a film wrap party in L.A. and they happened to be at the same location. This friend said I could stay with them while I established a permanent home in the area. I've always thought I might be happy down there near creative people and a lot more opportunities for getting into film, or even theater, things. But it was just a dream. And the happy feelings I had then may never come to be.

But I try to continue to hang on. And I continue to do my best to feel and be ok.

Day 5233 (V:957) - 10/29 - Loss

Today while eating dinner a piece of a tooth disappeared, hopefully not into my tummy. It was part of the outside, so my gum felt a bit odd at its loss. It wasn't surprising, as the other side of it has probably lost 40% of the mass, so it will all be lost eventually. I was sad about it, but as quickly as my gum got used to the new missing piece, my sadness faded into my overall everyday sadness.

It feels like loss is inevitable to me now. The other day someone at school said 'nice hair' as he smiled and passed by me leaving the cafeteria area. He likely saw what is left of my Mohawk type swoop, as he also had shaved sides and a swooped style. Did he see the front and top are more gone than still there? Was he giving a nod to how I once looked (like his hair)? Or did he see himself in me, realizing that he too may someday have similar loss?

I guess overall today I feel ok. But lately it feels like all I have is loss, increasingly poor health, and far more behind me than what is possibly still ahead.

Day 5234 (V:958) - 10/30 - Oops, wrong assignment

Today I discovered I have been focused on an assignment that isn't the next one due. I didn't do too much work on it, maybe 45 minutes, and it is work I would have had to have done later, but that one is due in I guess two weeks, and the one due by midnight tomorrow is a completely different one. It's not a huge deal, as it's only early afternoon now, and it would be maybe an hour to do it, but it's odd my brain completely skipped over it to the mid-term.

I guess today is ok. I got the chicken fast food last night to have something cooked and it's not settled well in my tummy. Lately it feels like a 50/50 chance it won't go well. I don't know why I keep getting it. It's a big part of what I have to eat today, so things don't feel super great. I guess it's ok. Tomorrow will be back to micro food at school and so my tummy will be able to recover.

I guess overall today was ok. I slept a bit extra, but I feel pretty tired. But things have been extra quiet and calm, and so that feels nice. But in the back of my mind I have felt very old, very broken, and like I will never recover what has been lost. While my life has been mine and unique, I wish it could have been happier, because so often lately I feel like it is too late for that to change, and I have missed my chance for a nice life.

Day 5235 (V:959) - 10/31 - Physically tired and hungry

Today I feel pretty tired, but just physically. My legs especially feel like they were working out or something. Mentally and emotionally I feel really good. This past weekend has felt like an entire week off. I'm not sure why. I'm settled in at school and have a bit to play and rest before lunch, then class in a few hours. Hopefully I will see some silly spooky costumes and be able to hang on a bit easier today.

Day 5236 (V:960) - 11/1 - Hopefully restful Tuesday

Today hopefully I can be restful and will have a new game to try out for free. I did the most important one on the free pass, tried one I really wanted and felt meh about it, tried another I was kind of interested in and it's probably more frustrating than it's worth. So I decided to get a game that's a couple years old, but I never got a chance to play when I had the free pass before (the old laptop couldn't run it.) Hopefully today will be restful and calm and I'll have a fun time in class.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2022
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)
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