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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 15: Digital life, dreaming of a real one

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 2 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 3 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 4 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 5 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 7 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 8 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 9 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 10 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 11 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 12 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 13 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 14 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 15 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 773

Day 5405 - 4/19 - Not calorie counting

Today was a pretty ok day. Though I am still currently starving and I even got double my normal food calories. Checking a website, for my age and a 'sedentary lifestyle', I am supposed to have 2000-2200 calories per day. Which would explain my being hungry a lot, since that would be not only 50% more food than I normally get in a day, but also 50% more drinks. But the weird thing is it said to have 500 less if you want to lose weight, which should be about 1 pound a week lost. Yet for the past about 6 years I've been eating the same, and I'm in that category at probably around 1500 per day average (when we include drinks), yet in that time I've gained probably 40 or even 50 pounds, not lost.

Now I'm not a nutritionist, and I know things aren't as simple as all calories being the same, but that still feels strange to me. Sure, in the past 6 years half of that has been over 50 years-old, and I have had ever increasing stress, both emotionally and physically, but it still seems strange that it felt like I was getting enough food before, but now I feel like I'm starving a lot of the time, and I've gained so much weight.

I don't know what to do. Yesterday and today I ate at least 50% more than normal, yet I still feel just as hungry as if I hadn't. And if I've already been gaining weight, adding more food doesn't seem like the right answer. At least not foods I've been eating. I guess I do still have some old vitamins. I could try having some of those and seeing if that helps at all. But I don't know how to stop feeling starving and exhausted all the time.

Day 5406 - 4/20 - Goodbye for now pizza

Today I am exhausted. Last weekend I had 2 slices of cheese on a sandwich, so I thought that meant I'd recovered and could have small amounts since I experienced nothing bad after. I've been so hungry lately that I thought I'd try a French bread pizza (probably 4x the calories of the normal kind of lunch pizza I'd get.) I haven't had that kind since before the apocalypse, and it was always very filling. I had one of the two parts and waited about 30 minutes and felt fine, so I had the other, and still I felt fine after.

But nearing the 10-12 hour later point I started to not feel fine anymore. The tummy pain returned. It wasn't as bad of a pain as before, feeling more like muscle sprained and a bit of gassiness than actual pain, but it was painful enough that the entire night I probably lost half of what would have been my sleeping time.

But I don't get it. Back when I first got my big money I got an actual pizza to celebrate. I had a piece for lunch, a piece or two for dinner, for a couple of days in a row and I was fine. And that was not even 2 months ago. But last night, from one lunch French bread pizza, pain. I can't seem to narrow down what kind of cheese is the greatest threat, which is very sad as it was an easy purchase for days I did not want to eat meat. I'd just get some string cheese, and done, no meat for that day. But for now, at least while I'm homeless and can't recover my diet balance, I guess I should put all cheese things on full ban; pizza, lasagna, cheese flavored snacks like chips, all of it. If I can't predict what will or won't cause me pain I will just avoid all of it for now.

I guess today was fine. I am recovering from the pain still, but I think I should be fine soon. I'm exhaustedly tired, but I expected that. But I got to play and watch shows as normal, so I hung on ok.

Day 5407 - 4/21 - Feels like chills

Today and actually for a few days I think, I've had kind of a low level skin chills, or like my hairs are standing up, along my arms, sides of my legs, and parts of my back. I don't know if I got some kind of cold, about three people left class early on Wednesday, or if maybe everywhere I've been lately has been just a bit too cold for me. It's supposed to be in the low 70s outside today, but lately it's been peaking closer to the 60s, much too cold for what it should be this time of year.

I had a pretty good time today. I'm probably hitting more of a pause point than not with my shooter, that happens every few months, but it gives me a chance to play other things I'm interested in. I've gotten four games in the past few months at half or more off, so I have something I'm playing offline, and then 3 more to play after that, so this is a rare time I have plenty of things that are new to play besides my 2 main games.

But I still feel exhausted. I feel bad and sad about my food options lately. And I feel particularly old, alone, and unwanted. I'm hanging on ok though. I feel ok with things, though I'd prefer different.

Day 5408 - 4/22 - Love the planet

Today I love my planet, but I really do every day. There was a "celebration" on the grassy area outside the library. But besides a 20 foot climbing tower, one booth where you could pet live chickens, and one booth that had endangered reptiles, most were just 'green clubs' and local company propaganda. ('Woo look at us, a local company, and how we are being green.') That's not as much of a celebration as people just showing what they should already be doing.

But I miss the green. Barely anywhere around is really green here. Mostly it's steel and concrete and dots of green sporadically. I suppose forests and trails and such aren't super far, but it feels like there is less and less as time goes on. I guess that is probably just my perception, and my lack of ability or options to go anywhere. I've thought now and then I might like moving to a northwest state, as they are very forested, but I would probably be way too cold. Anything much under the mid 60s and I'm too cold.

I guess it was a pretty ok day. I had fun with my games and shows. I had plenty of food, so I wasn't really hungry, but my tummy didn't really enjoy the food I had. I'll probably avoid meat tomorrow and just get fruit to balance out. (I've been trying extra meat as a few sites pointed to 'a lack of protein' as one cause for always being hungry.) So I guess I hung on ok. I tried to hold the planet and green in my heart, as I always do, but I wish I had more forest around me, and I had a nicer forever home to stop as much waste as I am forced to make (due to all the micro and other food packaging.)

Day 5409 - 4/23 - No fruit

Today I was pretty sad about my food choice, as there was no mixed fruit I wanted. There were bigger containers of sliced fruit things, more than double the size I wanted, but that is not a good day's meal for me.

I didn't feel like playing my shooter at all today. I do have other things to play and have fun with, so I just spent a bit more time in my MMO, then played an offline game, and then watched some shows.

I guess today was pretty ok, but I still felt a bit off, a bit sad, and a bit exhausted.

Day 5410 - 4/24 - Fun class

Today will be my fun class day. I'm still pretty terrible with drawing, but this class is teaching me basics of understanding how to draw the people, so I really didn't expect to get better until closer to the end.

Hopefully I can make good food choices with my limited options. And hopefully today will be pretty fun, and I can hang on a bit easier.

Day 5411 - 4/25 - Tuesday class

Today will be my online class. I'm actually kind of concerned. Not for me, but for everyone else. We are supposed to do 2 quick things per week, and respond to others. But in the first week we had things only about 5 of something like 30 people did the thing. And then maybe only 10 did the second. With such a low response rate it becomes impossible to respond and do discussion things. Last quarter with the online class (same teacher and format) everyone did great. But this time I wonder if the professor is going to have to press people to do it because so many just didn't do it.

Hopefully today will be pretty good, not be too loud, restful, and I feel a bit better than I have been lately.

Week 774

Day 5412 - 4/26 - Too tired

Today I am super tired. I don't know why but the last couple of nights I've had a very hard time getting to sleep and lost 2-3 hours per night.

I got a little extra food and I'm still starving feeling. It's almost as if no matter how little or how much I eat I am starving feeling less than an hour after eating my last meal. Though I didn't have chocolate today, and I still wonder if a certain amount is somehow connected to my tummy correctly gauging my hunger. I wonder if it's something connected to dairy since I used to have cheese somewhat regularly.

I guess today was ok. I had fun in class. There were 2 model people, which was different. During the break one said they liked my drawings. It was super nice because my stuff is still pretty much terrible to super basic. During another point where there was a lecture demonstration I saw them both behind my stuff talking about it. I wondered what they were saying.

I played my game a bit and watched some shows. There is a new class coming with an expansion in about 6 weeks for my MMO and I looked at a preview of their abilities. I think for the first time since I started playing I may be actually tempted to change my main. I'll have to see what things look like at actual release. What a strange thought that was, to change bodies after being in that one body for basically 7 years for all the things. I mean, sure, I have several alts and some I've actually done quite a bit on, but with my main I've done everything; all the quests, all the dungeons, all the skill lines, everything. I guess if I did swap it wouldn't change the fact that *I* did those things. I, the person, did them. But it's an odd thought.

I guess I hung on ok, and it's actually finally starting to warm up a bit.

Day 5413 - 4/27 - Too tired to think

Today I am too tired to think. I started my day at the regular Thursday time, but for whatever reason I was not sitting in my spot until about 30 minutes later than normal. And it took over an hour to settle down, focus, and even have my breakfast; a task that normally takes 10 minutes. During the day I could not think or focus on anything. It wasn't until probably 3 that the fog even began to lift and I could begin to think. And at that point I'm basically 'having dinner' and watching my last show or two of the day.

I guess it wasn't a bad day, but I had hoped to do a homework, and I couldn't. I just tried to rest, relax, and got past the feeling I'd flop over asleep at any second.

I guess people were saying it got hot. I even saw a few wearing shorts. Now not quite evening sitting in my car I'm rapidly building up to a sweat, so I could see how it would have been nice and warm during the hotter parts of the day.

But I guess things were ok, and I held on ok.

Day 5414 - 4/28 - Slightly better

Today I am feeling slightly better and more focused. I was able to do the homework I couldn't do yesterday, so that was the most important thing. I had a bit of extra fun with my MMO. My shooter is still kind of on hold as I'm still in a limbo spot of feeling like my gains aren't worth the time I'm spending there. And since I have other things to play I may just continue that break until a special event starts sometime next week.

I am still very tired and having difficulty focusing, but I guess I'm hanging on ok.

Day 5415 - 4/29 - Still pretty sleepy

Today I am still pretty sleepy. Last night I got a new weird tummy thing. I don't know if I was just hungry or what. I'd had some yummy strawberries and cake about 3 hours earlier, so it seems strange I'd have a starving feeling so quickly at night. I can only describe the feeling like as if I'd swallowed an old-school metal jack. It was right around my belly button, in the same kind of depth that the other pain happens, but it was a sharp pain just in that very small 3" sort of area, not the entire front section of my body like the night pain normally is. I wonder if all of the extra hunger and weird reactions are related to something like an ulcer. I remember back when I first had them I looked up the symptoms, and I don't think they matched, whatever the reason I dropped the theory, but I've been meaning to recheck. I guess I started to not feel the pain after about an hour after eating my morning foods, but it still seemed strange.

I guess today was pretty normal other than that. I was still pretty sleepy, and the library got more crowded than usual, but other than that it was a pretty regular day.

Day 5416 - 4/30 - Freezing cold

Today the temperature has plummeted. The skies were pretty gray in the morning and while I had my hoodie off in the library when it opened, by noon I was cold enough I had to put it back on. When I left in the early evening my teeth were chattering from the cold outside. If it is any colder tomorrow I'll for sure need to put winter layers back on for a bit.

There were again too many people at the library. I did remember to check ulcer symptoms and only half of them matched. The cure though was listed as antibiotics and regular antacids. I think I have plenty of antacids, so I'll just do a regular dosage in the morning and evening, if I feel like I need it or not. (Instead of rarely as needed as I have been.) Then in maybe 2-3 weeks when it should be healed, if my issue is an ulcer, then I'll check back in with small cheese doses and see if there's any pain. It still feels like this is more likely to be a temporary thing that came up (like an ulcer) than that I've suddenly become borderline allergic so late in life.

I played and had fun. I watched a few shows. So I guess today was pretty ok other than too many people for me to feel comfortable in the library and it being too cold. But I guess I hung on ok.

Day 5417 - 5/1 - Probably fun day

Today should probably be a fun day. I like my drawing class even though I'm not learning anything to immediately get better. Though I didn't really expect that was possible, so I try to do my best and have fun.

Hopefully I'll get my new game code for the one that was gifted to me so I can download it. During class would be the perfect time, as the connection in that room is significantly faster than the other places on campus. (I would guess because I heard that building is where the entire campus connection starts, so that building may be before it's split.)

Hopefully today will be pretty fun and I can hang on easier.

Day 5418 - 5/2 - Maybe new game

Today I can maybe play my new game after I do my online class stuff. It would depend when I get the code to download. If I didn't get it Monday then I may not have the speed or time to get it before I leave today.

Hopefully class will be ok, I can play my new game, and I can hang on a little easier.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2022
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)
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