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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 15: Digital life, dreaming of a real one

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 2 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 3 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 4 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 5 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 7 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 8 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 9 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 10 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 11 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 12 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 13 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 14 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 15 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 757

Day 5293 - 12/28 - Cowboy hat

Today was ok I guess. In the morning the connection was really rough, so much so I almost completely gave up playing. But it cleared after an hour or two, so it was only faulty for a while. In the afternoon I even got into a group in my shooter and finally got a special cowboy hat look I've been grinding for a while, so that was pretty good to finally get that.

A few days ago I signed up for a class that is open. I don't really want to take it, but it might be interesting and it will help pad out the time I have left. But it said I owed more than $175 instead of the usual $55. I tried not to panic, but I've been pretty worried since my fee waiver did not appear in the list. I sent an email to financial aid asking what was up with that, and though I never got a response clearly today the fee is the correct amount and the waiver does show, so I paid the $55 quick as I could and am now fully signed up.

Other than that I guess the day was pretty normal. I had a lunch that wrecked me. Yesterday I was pretty disappointed because I spent like 10 minutes waiting to get deli cut food and when I got to the library I realized I'd been waiting to be helped so long that it threw me off and I totally forgot to get sandwich bread. I guess it was ok, as I had crackers I could have, but I'd really been looking forward to a sandwich.

School still seems totally closed so I had to go into the outside bathroom at the library to at least shave my face. It worked ok. I'm cut and nicked in a few places, but at least I'm not itchy as hell.

My life seems pretty sad lately, but all I can do is try to hang on.

Day 5294 - 12/29 - Again, not the right lunch

Today I again didn't get the right lunch. My tummy has been kind of upset lately, so I thought I would get some shredded chicken. But all of the dates showed at least 4 days ago and that didn't seem super safe, so I decided to get a calzone, which made my tummy stay a bit upset.

I guess it was an ok day other than that. The connection was ok, so my games ran fine. I was pretty sad overall due to the holidays. And what with my not having money to buy school supplies for my next class, nor to pay bills, I feel very sad, inadequate, and helpless. The nice professor I expected could help doesn't have any of the stuff, but another said she could help with most of it. But I'm still looking at probably a minimum of $20, which I guess I can do, but any money eats into potential bill money.

So a pretty sad day, but all I can do is continue to try to hang on and make it to better days.

Day 5295 - 12/30 - Meh

Today was pretty meh. Food was different, but ok. The connection was terrible the first couple of hours, but evened out over time. Nothing special or noteworthy happened.

Things were extra sad for holiday things I wish I could have done, or foods or other comforts I could have had, but that is not my life. And I don't know when it will be. All I can do is try to manage and be as ok as I can be, and make it through to better days.

Day 5296 - 12/31 - Eve

Today was ok I guess. I was distracted helping people on the social page for a few hours, but really other than that the day was pretty much a regular day. The next few days will be extra rough, as it's been pouring rain and I expect it will continue while things are closed. But all I can do is try my best to hang on.

Day 5297 - 1/1/2023 - About as hoped

Today at least so far, has gone about as hoped. It's early afternoon and time in my outside spot is over. It's more that my hands and feet are half numb than for any other reason, though I had maybe 30-60 minutes before there would have been too much sun in my area. I did get to do what I expected in my games, so it's fine.

I'm taking a short break in my car now just sitting and warming up. It's not super warm in the car, but it's warm enough my parts feel like they are defrosting a bit.

In a bit I'll rearrange the trunk so I can get to the lock and see if I can open it and get a look at things. I highly doubt I'll be able to just tighten something that's loose to fix it. But who knows, maybe I can see something obviously broken and fix at least one way to open it again. (Edit: Nope. It not only seems to have any obvious parts to try to fix, but it seems to have no way to release it to open. It doesn't seem likely without fully drilling out the lock.) Going in the side through the back seat is ok, but I only have access to maybe 25% of the trunk quickly. Granted I don't really use more than 30-40%, most is just extra storage, so it's not a huge deal, but with how it is currently I can't do things like store water in there. Nor could I do something like put my backpack in there. (Which I really almost never do anyways. I just put it on the side seat.)

Hopefully the rest of the day will go as expected and things will be tolerable. But I still have tomorrow I have to be outside too.

Trunk lock. The top is the lock that just spins, the bottom is the part that latches.

Day 5298 - 1/2 - Outside Monday

Today will hopefully be the last outside day for a while. I think there is one Monday in January that is a school and library holiday, but one day is easy enough to get through. I don't know what to expect for today, but hopefully things will be ok.

Day 5299 - 1/3 - Back inside Tuesday

Today I will be back inside the library. Hopefully it will be warm and things will be back to normalish. Tomorrow I'll check to see if school is openish to get a shower. Next quarter doesn't officially start up until next week, but things like the book store, and hopefully showers, will be open.

I don't really know what to expect for today, so as always I hope I make it through ok.

Week 758

Day 5300 - 1/4 - Expensive paints

Today I had to buy some expensive paints to get ready for my color class. Online they are $10-15 each. Thankfully I had some credit, so I only had to pay about $12 actual cash. But I need to buy half a dozen others, which school will hopefully have on sale for $1 each, otherwise there is no way I could get them without burning every penny I have.

There is a huge storm in the area now. It's only been a bit windy here, and mostly just been super rainy. I guess some parts of the state have flood warnings and power outages, so it's really crazy, and I guess my area has been lucky in comparison.

I am mixed feeling today. On the one hand with ordering stuff and an important class coming up, I feel hopeful. But still being homeless, unable to buy all the supplies I need, and having a very limited life, I still feel very close to death, very alone in my struggles, and helpless.

Day 5301 - 1/5 - Suddenly feel very sick

Today I was suddenly feeling very sick for a while. It's about 6 hours after the worst of it, and while I don't feel a whole lot better I think the worst is past. I woke up with my right ear completely plugged and the left about half. They are still ringing now, and I've been sensitive to sound and listening to things at about half the normal volume. My eyes had a similar sensitivity to light and similarly hurt all day. It felt like I had a bad headache in the front of my head. And of course the congestion I've had for a while hasn't gone away. Though in the past maybe week it's changed from an odd dry cough to the regular cough which can cough up yuck.

The worst part happened suddenly after having a breakfast doughnut. (A very chocolate spiced one I don't normally eat.) I felt waves of nausea and like I was going to throw up for about 2-3 hours. I also suddenly felt like I had a bit of a fever. I don't know if it was an unknown food allergy (I have had that kind before) or some kind of food poisoning. But it threw my tummy so far off I have only had about 8 crackers since then, skipping lunch, and for dinner I expect I'll just have a few more crackers and maybe a tiny bit of salad. I've also only had barely one soda all day whereas I'd normally be at 2 or 3 by now.

I'm trying to be as restful and warm as I can. There is the super crazy storm still. It's been calm most of the day, but a few times it was completely crazy with winds and the power went out briefly a few times. Hopefully I can get some extra rest tonight and feel ok again very soon.

Day 5302 - 1/6 - Clear skies

Today I do feel much better, so I do think the bulk of yesterday was some kind of minor food poisoning or allergy that I can't track down. I just have a bit of congestion and ear ringing and pressure left.

Nothing special happened today really. The skies were clear and it was actually a touch warmer. I don't know if I'm in the middle of the storm or if it's finally past and things have calmed down again. But for the moment at least it seems all clear.

Things still feel extremely sad due to no money, but I'm trying to hang on as best as I can.

Day 5303 - 1/7 - Nothing special

Today has been a bit windy, but also not as cold as it could be. It hasn't really rained, just a bit of sprinkling. I feel a lot better. My ears are still ringing quite a bit and pretty plugged up. I'm still a bit congested, but mostly better from the terrible event.

I feel very sad and not special today. I suppose nothing has really changed physically or emotionally, everything is as it has been, but I guess I still just feel very alone and lost and not very special or wanted.

Day 5304 - 1/8 - Very sad night

Today I am feeling extra sad. I had a very rough time sleeping last night. I thought about dying, and how I may be closer to my death than ever. I thought about kitties I've lost. I cried quite a bit. I wondered if my life would be different if a best friend from my teens and early 20s hadn't died in surgery when we were around 30. I tried my best to push aside that I never want to die, as we all must, and remember to try to focus on the few happy moments I can have.

Day 5305 - 1/9 - Probably not a start

Today is the first day of the new school quarter. I have to go to the store in the morning to buy paints for the class, but besides that today will likely not be an actual start. (I'm actually going to post this ahead of Monday so I don't forget in the chaos of the changed schedule.) I have to add the class which may not clear until Tuesday. And the other class said that the lesson may not be available until Wednesday. So I'm not sure exactly when classes will really start up again.

Day 5306 - 1/10 - Maybe a start

Today maybe the start of classes. I'm not really sure. It would be the second day on campus. I don't know if I will spend my day in the cafeteria or not. It can actually get pretty loud in there. I guess we'll see how I feel as time goes on. It certainly is the most convenient since I can just make food and eat whenever I want without needing to pack anything up or change spots.

As always all I can do is try to hang on one day at a time and see how things go, and try to make the best choices for me that I can.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2022
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)
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