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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Day 99 - 10/8 - Carrying a box

Just a quick note. It's 8:40 and I just posted the week and the index page. No email from the cutie. *pout*

Time passes

Bother. I left the little computer room because I had to go to the bathroom and when I got back it was totally full. Ah well, I'd accomplished everything I wanted already.

I'm gots doughnut and juuuice. I'm nearly out of money already, only one of the two donations flipped. I got around 1/2 tank of gas now, $10 in my pocket for dinner or a lunch something, five soups, a bag of baked chips, and cereal. I'm good on food for several days if need be, but it won't be necessary as my pay should flip in the morning (tomorrow).

I couldn't get the first version of Epic Fail's .pdf up though. These systems are incapable of doing it. I'm fairly certain I saw that the systems at my class campus could, so hopefully I'll be able to do that tonight.

This morning I couldn't get to the ring *super big pout* I'm pretty sure the box it should be in is totally buried. I'll have to find a space of a few hours mid-day to go look for it. Obviously if the cutie is inviting me to hang with her at lunch it would have to be a time she's not on campus. She wasn't here yesterday. She may be a Monday, Wednesday and Friday(?) person. I am carrying the box of glasses though to give to her and her friends. I already took out nearly half when I first got them way back when, so these are all "extra" that I was planning to give to peeps. Well, these may be peeps, heh. But, with no email I don't know if she will be here and I wouldn't want to barge in without knowing/meeting them first (with her there).

I only have a few pages left, nearly out of paper. I'll hush up for now and see if I can get on a system to check email. Though it's unlikely I'll get one if she had a late class. She likely just went to bed and figured she'd see me here.

We'll see what the day brings. For now I carry a box of hope and my mind wanders with thoughts of a cutie that could be a sweetie with many hugs, snuggles and kisses to follow.

Time passes

No sign of the cutie, as of 11 no email, and I just sent a text at 11:05 and it's now 11:40 and no reply. I hope she's ok - physically and emotionally. It could be she's been in classes or doing the sad funeral or other sad things today. Well, I'll worry about it later and try and put it out of my mind for now.

I'm sideways on the paper now, hehe. I guess I should go get some after I leave the cafeteria. I'm resting after lunch for a bit though. I feel kind of sick. My symptoms are mostly gone, but I'm still congested and my ears still hurt a bit, but there is more. I guess a tiredness and exhaustion. Paper is nearly out. A bit more rest, then I'll go get more.

Time passes

I got a few job apps out. All part time things, but I suppose it's more than nothing. I unburied the armor. Took less time than I thought, about 45 minutes. I got my shorts again while I was in there. It's totally a shorts day today. The armor is pretty cool. I'd forgotten how heavy it can seem. The cutie messaged back. Her doggie got hurt last night so she's been taking care of him at the hospital. (Thus why no email.) Poor doggie. I found out she only has class Tuesday and Thursday night, so I'm not sure when I'll see her again. The day I gave her the note was a Monday, so I are confused. I guess I'll have to wait till she emails me, or doesn't email me. Maybe Fate sent her to me as an avatar of hope that I can feel anxious and happy to be around a certain girl. As I said, it's a very rare effect. I think, in my whole life, I've only met six girls that did that. So, everyone out there, it is teh rabb1t's opinion that is Fate's sign that person is super special and you should consider dating them. They may not be your normal type or what you expected, but if your heart goes all crazy when they are near, if your brain has difficulty thinking, yet is inspired and revved up at the same time, if thoughts of them linger in your memory, if you feel at peace and happy when they are near or when they are waiting at home for you, these are the special and rare people who could be "the one". Of course, that isn't to say you can't find love and be happy with someone who doesn't do that to you all the time, but if you can find that person, and they feel the same, and you are a match everywhere else, then that is truly something special.

Day 100 - 10/9 - Disappointment

No word from the cutie yet. Haven't seen her again, nor are any of her friends in the cafeteria. Guess I'll try not to worry about it and let it progress, or not, on it's own.

So... regular rabb1t things... lunch nom, 11:00. Watched one show. Tried to watch another, but the player was freaking out and it kept stopping. Set up links to the new Epic Fail .pdf on all the documents. Ran about three job searches and put out two or three part time job apps, nothing exciting or spectacular, but it's all there was.

Aaaannnd that's it really.

It's day 100. I guess cause to celebrate. So far nothing "bad" has happened, just a few scares. My health, well I'm still totally sick, but I haven't broken anything or had any other bad things happen. My car is still running, though it does have an odd poppity-pop noise that comes and goes, which is seemingly unrelated to overall speed or RPM, so hopefully it's nothing serious and it's just old car noises.

Tummy wouldn't mind chicken nuggets, but my 'extra' Sunday money didn't show up, so I've basically just got my normal amount till two weeks from now. I did pay one payment on my car insurance. Normally I pay for the year all at once, but I can't this year. Pretty much all my other spending (contacts, phone, ear phones, etc.) will have to wait two weeks. Which sucks, as it will cost 30% more to pay month-to-month. Being conservative I only have enough extra for my pizza tonight. I'll be planning my spending in a bit to be sure, but that may be about it for non-cheap food till I get the 'extra'.

Um... that's all I can think of. A bit down today. The cold is beating me down physically, and I'm starting to feel behind in classes due to not being able to afford the book or having a good enough mood to study; so that's wearing me out a bit emotionally. Mostly I've totally accepted what I can't control and let that go, so my bills, my job applications, those don't get me down so much. I mean, yeah, they do, but I can't control them, so I'm far more down from things like my cold wearing me out than I am about job/bill status.

I guess that's it for now. There is a bit of studying I can do, so I'll do that, then maybe try and watch my show again, maybe input what little there is from written form onto the site, though that's not super critical since I don't release that to you peeps till the week is up.

So... um... yeah... k thx bye.

Time passes

Bleh. Feeling sick and tired. I considered taking a nap, but a nap in my car, where I sleep all the time... I think I'll pass. I'm in the cafeteria again. It's about 2. I have a snack with me and I think I'll just chill here for a bit.

I'm a bit sad now. I'm not sure if it's from the sickness or doing my budget, probably both. After my pizza, after reserving money for gas, I have $3 for food per day and about $8 for Halloween candies (I always pass out candies at school since we never really got any kids at the house) and that's it. There is zero left over. Sure, I could skip pizza, but that would only increase the food budget to $3.50 per day, not at all worth the trade. Plus, it's day 100. I have to do some kind of celebration, right?

The cuties friends showed up around 11:15. Some of them are still here. I've seen no sign of her, nor any message. She mentioned she only has class Tuesday and Thursday nights. Last class started around 7, so it's possible that even being here every day I may not see her again unless she specifically invites me somewhere / requests to meet. Well, if I see her I see her. She has my number and email and all.

Crap, I forgot laundry in those figures. Well, that's only $3, so I can afford at least one cycle till I get paid again though things will be super tight. I was already going to wait till Saturday anyways, so maybe after that I can stretch it out to last the next 1.5 weeks. I should have plenty of cloths now, once clean, to do that.

So... yeah. Depressed physical system due to my cold. Depressed spirit due to no word from the cutie. Depressed emotion due to the constant money worries and troubles.

Well, it's only 2:10. The day is still young, right? I suppose anything could happen at any time. I'm in a comfy spot that would be good to rest in for a bit. Pizza later. There are several resumes/apps out that would be good that are still cycling (school and city positions), there are lots of young cuties around me... I float along the rapids on the river of life. Anyone could bump into me at any time and alter my course or join me.

Time passes

It's nearly 6:15 and I've done everything I can do several times over as it were. I'm very tempted to leave early, but, well, where would I go that would be better? The only thing I could possibly do is get dinner. Although I'm totally hungry, it's too early even for that.

I'll just leave the box of glasses and ring/armor in the car from now on. Since I still haven't seen or heard from the cutie it may be a while before I see her. Could just be dealing with stuff, could be she's not as interested as I hoped. Though she did just invite me to hang with her peeps here in the cafeteria, which isn't much in terms of interest level.

I figure I'll stick around here for 15 minutes, maybe more, then go run another job check. Not really much to do other than that. I've checked all my fun sites several times today. (Checking them all doesn't always happen, let alone several times.)

Um... that's it really. A fairly uneventful day in all. There is still pizza tonight, but other than that nothing has really happened that was noteworthy, even though I wrote many notes.

Time passes

Abandoned chicken nuggets and fries. Judging by the cold temperature, abandoned more than 1/2 hour ago. It's been at least 20 minutes because that's when I came in. How sad. At least $10 worth of food on that table. Well, at least teh rabb1t tummy can has some of it. Cold fries are pretty yucky, so I'll only take some. At least they left them abandoned on the table and didn't just throw it away. It would be a shame if lots of food is discarded. Makes me sad to think how much gets wasted per day.

Time passes

Disappointing times two. I planned dinner to be at 8, so I could watch Survivor, but there are people watching some baseball thing. And, in the two months since I last got a half ham and pineapple and half pepperoni the price has either gone up by like $5+ for a small or the counter person is a noob and trying to charge me the wrong price. So, no Survivor, and I just get pepperoni. It would be so much better to be with my ex-roomie in the ex-home and have enough money to scoff at the $23 for a medium half-n-half and we nom it while watching Survivor in high-def, but no. Instead I'm now stuck with beer drinking stranger guys and no show.

Day 101 - 10/10 - Life online

Let's see... not much to say. No emails or calls from anyone. No jobs to apply to yet, though I think yesterday I got out like five resumes/applications, so that was decent. I watched Survivor. I tried to watch Supernatural, but it isn't up yet. Fringe doesn't seem updated yet either. Odd since that airs on Tuesdays.

It's just after 10:30 now. I've got my lunch nom with me, but I'll hold onto it for a bit before I eat. Not many here being a Friday. I'd guess the place is 60% full.

Oh um, happy Friday everyone. Hope you have a good weekend. My days are all basically the exact same. I don't get weekends. Now that I'm getting regular system access again I'm sort of able to separate one day from the next, as I can often catch (some of) my shows the day after they air.

I decided to carry the box with the stuff for the cutie. I'll carry it today, then again on Monday, and if I haven't seen or heard from her by the end of Monday I will leave it in the car for a few weeks. After that I'll take it back to storage.

Nearing 11 now. Guess I'll warm up my pizza and the chicken nuggets and fries I found yesterday and have my tasty lunch nom.

Time passes

Woot. The Clone Wars is up for teh free on the Star Wars site. I was half way through episode two when we lost connectivity. I guess the whole library is down now, not just part, sooooo nothing to do 'cause my whole life is on teh Intarwebs, heh. Woot for Star Wars though.

Time passes

Here we are at mini-work. I decided to get some fried chicken tenders. It was on sale at Safeway for 1 pound for $5. Compared to the not very on-sale $3-3.50 micro foods it seemed a much better deal since there isn't much food in those micro meals, and often times the potatoes taste like feet.

I got out a couple of resumes, which is more than usual lately. As expected, Cryptic Studios posted a general customer service / GM position, so that was one of my applications. I don't know if I have as much experience as they want, as I only have about five months of actual work based CSR/GM experience, but, meh, we'll see. As I've said before I'm already known as the tech guy on one of their boards, as well as submitting a question that was picked in the very first round of "ask Cryptic" questions for Champions Online, so they may be aware of me. (Not counting the other two applications I've sent them in the past six months.)

Um... that's really it. Not much happened since lunch that I haven't mentioned. I'm tempted to message the cutie and see how her doggie is, the doggie is due to get out of intensive care today, but that would likely result in several messages back and forth. Even just five each way is $2. Lame to think that's a really big deal right now and that impedes my flirting, but it is.

Oh, there is this cool hat in lost and found I may adopt. It was left last week, so I'm thinking Sunday I may adopt it. Plus, obviously, if the person ever asked about it on a Friday I'd be here. Well, till I quit. They take all those cloths in lost and found to donation centers every few months. Anyways, the hat is cool because it's black with red and silver lettering that reads, "Free to good home." How appropriate is that, eh? Of course, I could only wear it while I'm homeless and single, but at the rate I'm going I'll be both for quite some time. I'm not really a hat guy, which is why I used to wear Survivor buffs, but with it getting colder my shaved head could use some warmth.

That's all I can think of. Bye for now.

Dearest Lisa Mae,

Ol' Bessy is gettin some modifications. The mechanics been workin on her for about a week now. Alls I know bout it is they are addin some kind of special armor. They added some of them electric batteries the enemy uses to her 50-cals. Supposedly it will give a charge to the rounds Ol' Bessy spits out that can punch through that armor the enemy has that her regular shells jus bounce offa.

We been allowed some R+R while they been doin the work. We are on some remote island. The plane we was in barely had enough strip ta land on and the island aint much bigger. Sure is small, but golly Lisa Mae, you should see it. The sunsets have the prettiest purples and pinks I ever did see. I sure wish you were here with me. Guess ya bein in my thoughts will have ta do fer now. I sure miss ya somethin fierce. Hopefully the modifications will give us the fight we need ta beat these bastards and drive em back to the hole they crawled outa. Maybe then I can finally come on home.

Day 102 - 10/11 - Check engine

Lunch nom a bit later than usual at about 12:35. Hope everyone is having a good Saturday. Pretty much the regular poo for me, though with the main library open at school it's not too terrible. My life certainly could be far worse.

Ran a couple of email checks, just spam. Can't run any job checks today (the main site is blocked in the main library), but that's fine as stuff never gets posted on the weekends. I did some more research for my Home Entertainment page. I totally forgot to put speaker stands in the recommendations. I also decided to add extra speakers for those who want to expand to 7.1, though very few movies have 7.1, at least only a few I've collected do. I tried to look at individual speaker recommendations, but I felt lost, as there really wasn't enough info to go by on what matches the timing, tonal range, and power of what other part. I don't think most who need my help would look in that price range anyways. The lower-end cost decent stuff would be $750 for the set (five speakers + sub), and they rapidly go up in cost from there. I think most of my peeps would top at around $1500 for the speakers, which is right around my current high-end recommendations. Those who can spend more likely know more than me about the tech.

No clue what I'll do later tonight. I have library access till 6, but then...? It's a bit chilly today with a cold breeze. It's more like an average day in the city (San Francisco) than down here where I am, about 35 miles south.

I've designed the cover art for Epic Fail, but I doubt I'll get to actually make it till I'm back in a home. I don't think any of the systems have Photoshop, which is what I'd need to make it.

Can't think of anything else to say. Wish I were able to have a normal Saturday - play games, watch TV, watch movies, do my homework, hang with friends, hang with / snuggle a sweetie - but it may be a very long time before I can have those again.

Time passes

Seems I jumbled the times. The library closed at 4 today, 6 is for Sundays in the small side room. Well, I didn't do much. Mostly I read news from BlizzCon about Lich King, Diablo 3, and Starcraft 2. I've always wanted to go, but conventions are so expensive. Maybe next year.

I forgot that I have laundry to do, so I'll hop up there and do that. Then... that's it. I have absolutely nothing to do after that unless I went to one of the public libraries, which is like meh.

I was hoping to have heard from the cutie by now, maybe have hung out or done a date, maybe meet some peeps and done some friendly stuffs this weekend, but no. Same sad story as all my previous weeks so far. No control. Nothing to do but wait.

Time passes

My check engine light was on when I was driving just now. I went cold as I worried something bad might happen. After less than five minutes it went away again, but when I stopped I felt like crying. There were no changes in driving, and no smells or smoke or anything. I can't afford to feed myself or pay for school things, let alone spend any money fixing the car. Checking things it did look like it was at the bottom part of the oil line, though there is a separate check oil light. I guess it's burning through a lot more oil what with all this driving I've been doing. I put in one quart, $4 of the $11 I had on me for food. I prey that will fix what's wrong because it's really all I have. I'll check later tonight, if I still have light, after I drive again. Though, it's 6:30 and I wasn't planning on going anywhere till after dinner. Hopefully it's enough, but I know most cars like four quarts, so it may need another one, putting me completely out of 'spare' money. (I don't need candy money as it looks like I get paid again before Halloween.)

I don't know how I'd manage without the car. Going by bus would take forever, not to mention it would be double to quadruple the cost per day. Places that take 20 minutes by car can take over an hour and a half by bus due to routes and schedules. Plus, with no car I'd have nowhere to sleep. *sniff* *tear* I don't understand why everything in my life is falling apart and noone seems willing/interested/able in helping me or being friendly towards me. *sniff* *tear*

Day 103 - 10/12 - Back in the day

It's omfg wtf too early time around 8. I was too cold to really sleep well between 6 and 7, so I've been up since about 7:15. I've been trying to sleep till 7:30 on the weekend. It seems safe enough, but it was too cold this morning. I've even got on extra cloths; wearing an undershirt, shirt, underpants, pants, socks, sweat pants over my pants, and my jacket on top of the blankets as a third blanket. (The hood covers my head at night too.) Oddly there was no frost on my 'back window'. (It's just a plastic flap thing, not a real window. Plus, it's broken and doesn't fit securely.) I don't know if that means the morning was actually warmer than the past few days, or if it means my seal wasn't secure and I bled out too much heat during the night. The other cars in the lot weren't frosted either, so hopefully the days will warm back up a bit. One more month of warm nights would be a true blessing, as that would give me another month of being ok on the street. With a job around $30k one month should be all I'd need to get one paycheck and start looking at a place to rent.

The parking lot is completely empty, save for "Canman", who I'll get to in a minute. Yesterday there were swimmers and yoga people coming and going, so I couldn't rest. I think I got about 8 hours of sleep, so I think my body just isn't tired enough today.

So, Canman, he's new for this semester. I've seen him just about every day. He comes to campus, parks his truck, then collects up what is commonly two or three smaller trash bags worth of cans / bottles. Here's the thing - my last trip yesterday to drop cans got me just about $2.30, of which that $0.30 was probably lost to gas and wear and tear on my car. Considering that I can just shop smart and catch (food) things on sale I could easily have saved more over the past two weeks that it took to save that many cans / bottles. Now, by my estimate Canman is possibly getting $2-5 a day. Sure, if we said $5, that's about $150 a month, not an amount to scoff at. Unnnllleeesss you consider his car. I'm no car expert, as you all know, but he's got this big red truck. Judging by the curved design and tail light style it can't be more than five years old, with keyless entry and an alarm. Again, I'm no expert, but those aren't cheap options. Seems to me he could have gotten something a bit older, no keyless entry, no alarm, and saved thousands. Getting something like that, then spending hours per day picking up cans, burning gas and part repair cost to the locations and recycle center... it just doesn't make sense. Saving the money by not getting those options seems like it would save way more money than years of collecting cans would. My only possible guess is he's retired and he does it because he's got nothing better to do. Me, I don't think it's worth burning up my space and feeling like I'm in a trash can all the time, plus needing to carry the trash in my bag when I'm at school. I'd rather just be more careful about my food purchases and watch for sales. Heck, a $0.10 change in gas prices will alter things by about $1 per week for me.

Speaking of which, the car seems normal again since I put in the oil. Hopefully it just had a hiccup and it flipped the light on then started running normal again and flipped it off. As I said, it was on for less than five minutes. A less observant person would easily have missed seeing it. I did get a static zap like four times yesterday from the car. That's never happened before. Maybe that tripped a false positive or something. I think even the popping has disappeared. The true test will be when I go up to work later. I figure if I can make it up and back with no incidents it should be nothing to worry about. I figure I'll double check the oil level after I've been up at work long enough for it to cool down. I guess it makes sense it was that low. I used to drive maybe 25 miles a week, but since I've been homeless that's skyrocketed to 200+ per week. I'll try and make a mental note to check every 500 miles, which before would have been every 4-6 months, but now that's like every other week. I really need to change it ASAP and that light scare has me super worried. I can't afford food, let alone an oil change, even less so car repairs.

Just after 8:30 now. I'm not even going to shower for like another 1/2 hour, heh. After that I'll just chill in the other school parking spot for about 2 hours while I wait for the library side room to open at noon. I'll only have about 15 minutes there, but it's enough to do a few quick site updates before I'm off to mini-work for the second of two extra shifts.

That's really my day. A bunch of crappy waiting, super happy quick site update, mini-work, maybe one more hour in the side room when I get back, then nothing really, basically just 6 more hours of killing time doing nothing till I 'go to bed'.

Time passes

I always wonder how differently my life would have been if I had been encouraged back in the day. This particular time I'm thinking of was when I was in the "computer club" back at my first high school. This was circa 1984, I was around 15, and I'd been dabbling with basic programming for a few years on my Atari 800. I created a very simple program, a game really, and shared it with the peeps at school after putting in on the Apple IIe. (I think that was the version we had.) What it did was generate a grid of multi-colored boxes, then erased some spaces with random beeps and boops to be cool. What resulted was a maze where you were a dot on one side and you had to get to the exit on the other side. Touching any wall resulted in sudden death. The maze would flash and make an explosion sound. But, you had three "bombs" you could use to blow out (erase) four squares around you (above, below, and to each side). Back in the day this was a lot of fun. We'd see who had the nerves to make it through without screwing up. This guy, his name was Joel I believe, asked if he could alter my base code. I said sure, and he added a save feature and changed it from a game to effectively what was a very early drawing program. I wonder to this day what would have become of my life if the teacher for that class had recognized either of our talents. Would I have been an early John Carmack? Would I and Joel have paired up to develop the first Photoshop program? I always wonder... was that my path to an easy life and I missed it? Was the fact I found machine code too confusing to continue programming on my own the end of what could have been a challenging and very well paying career? I don't know. I've looked at java and xml code and it boggles my mind to this day. If I concentrate patterns do come into focus though, so I will always wonder... what if.

I always wondered too what happened to my first best friend, Ashley Hanz. He was at my lower school only two years, but we were fast friends. We played this game, I called them "trip fights", where we stood on one leg, while the other could 'attack' the other person's 'attack' leg. The goal was to make the other person off-balance. If their standing leg moved, even just a bit, you got a point. We'd just add up points till recess was over. We lost track of one another when he had to move away.

I also often wonder what happened to my first kiss, Ginger. I was 3 at the time, and I still remember it to this day, a million years later. I also remember my first crush, Holly, who was blond with blue eyes and fair skin. I often wonder if it's because of her I have a ... something ... about girls who are blond who put their hair in braids. Was it Holly who put that in my mind? Or, something about the shapes and lines that always affected my psyche even before I met Holly? I'll probably never know.

I always wonder if these peeps are ok, what's become of them. None of those names are common these days, and I suppose had I private investigator access, or hired a P.I., I could look up birth certificates and maybe track them down. All I have on Ashley and Holly are that we were at Carden Private School and a rough year. I think I have a picture of the class with Holly, but no last name to go on. Searching teh Intarwebs revealed nothing for any of them, but I wonder. I'll likely always wonder.

Time passes

Well, we made it to mini-work just fine. In fact, on Friday when I last made the trip there was a fair bit of popping both directions. So far, I've heard almost zero evidence of popping since the oil add. It still shows 95% full. My theory is the popping wasn't coming from the fuel line, which was my original guess, as it sounded like the same popping when you get bubbles in the fuel, but from pistons maybe getting stuck from lack of oil, causing irregularity in fuel burning. Whatever the reason, the popping I feared seems almost completely gone now that there is plenty of oil. I'll try and keep an eye on it and check to add some every 500 miles. I should have my next paycheck by then, so $4 is no biggie. Unfortunately, my extra $100 must be spent on contacts and the phone bill, otherwise I'd consider an oil change. I've been wearing the same pair like 10 weeks now, and it's only supposed to be worn 2.

Ran an email and job check, nothing on either. But, that's not surprising being the weekend.

I went to the bowling alley on Saturday night. It was completely empty. Just a few weeks ago it would have been totally packed. But I guess, even only being 9:30-10, students were going back home. I haven't really been to mini-golf since the college opened up, and I don't know if I will if the bowling alley was any indication of the lack of people to watch. Easier just to hang near this hub to save gas since school is attached to this hub. So, after mini-work I'll see if I can grab the last hour the computer area is open, then probably just chill for roughly 4 hours till I 'go to bed'. (Not counting eating dinner sometime during that, which would be in the same parking lot.)

Tonight will get real boring real fast, but thus is my life most evenings lately when I'm not at school.

My tummy totally wants Animal Crackers. Sadly they weren't on sale and $3.50 per bag is a bit much to pay. At $2.50 on sale, yeah, yummy. Even more so on the rare times they go for $1, but at $3.50, I have to pass.

Time passes

Funny story - I go to the little computer room, someone's stuff is in the last spot, but there are no open windows. So, I take over the spot. The guy comes back and he's like, "Heeeyyy... I know you." And I'm like, "Oh?" And he mentions a class at San Jose State we both took almost exactly four years ago. He recognized me by the Survivor buffs I always wore. Woah! I left an impression on this guy that lasted four years through him going to Sweden and London? So, now I've got a Survivor buff on my head, hehe. Haven't worn them in about a year. It is kind of chilly enough for it. I had the hat on, but I don't know, that feels constraining and smashes my ears down a bit. The buff I can usually wear a bit longer before it bugs me, usually around 4-6 hours. Anyways, funny someone would recognize me because of the buffs four years later. The peeps at this campus would likely remember me for my cammo pants or military-like boots. Of course, I haven't really interacted with them, as my classes are at the other campus.

I think I'm off to get some candies to have a snack then see about those chickens for dinner in a bit.

Time passes

Welcome to dinner drive-in theater with teh rabb1t. I got more chicken tenders. They are tasty. Not on sale for $5, but not bad at like $6.75 for the same 1 pound box. That's three meals of food, and it's super good compared to the cheap $1 items. Tostitos corn chips were on sale, so I got a 2-for-1 deal there. Pepsi for teh cheap as well. We are in the Safeway lot, and this is drive-in dinner theater because this restaurant, Zaika, I'm guessing Greek, shows movies on like a 40" screen. They have an all glass front, so I can see it from the parking lot. I'm kind of far, so it's only about 2" big if I were holding a ruler to measure, but I can see it easy enough. They are crazy movies, like Greek kung fu, hehehe. Anyways, they help pass the time well enough. Not what I normally watch on a Saturday and Sunday night, but... well... let's hope tomorrow is a better day.

Day 104 - 10/13 - Not homework

Busy day so far. I was bad and tied up a system for 3 hours back-to-back working on Epic Fail. I've had a lot to type in the past few days. Lunch time now, 11:00. No cutie and only a couple of her friends are here. I've noticed an abundance of cuties here. I don't think there are any more or less than before, but I think the surprise chemistry up close to the cutie and her message saying thanks for my note have given me renewed hope that I may find someone, and now my eyes are open as it were.

I was supposed to work on my homework, but I couldn't access the sites in the morning that I needed, so Epic Fail kept me very distracted. I'll have to do it later in the day. I have the info I need now, I just need to write some, then at the other campus read some and tie the two together. Hopefully it will turn out ok. I needed to interview people, which I can't do as I don't know any, so I had to rely on online peeps. And, what with no money to buy the book, I haven't had a chance to read what I was supposed to yet.

So hungry, I may eat up my snack as well as lunch. I wanted to get a breakfast, but got all absorbed in the Epic Fail stuff. On the good side it's now 100% current to today. So, just what I write today and tomorrow needs inputting before release on Wednesday.

Not much to say today so far. Two job checks, two email checks, no joy in either. Today is mostly homework day, as I have that one I mentioned and a second I need to do that's due Wednesday. Normally I'm a 'do it a week in advance' kind of guy, but my depressed mood and lack of resources has made motivation difficult, as I feel behind and 'less' compared to everyone else when I'm not.

Heh, someone complimented my boots on the way back from cleaning the thing I micro my soup in. Told ya they would notice me for that, hehe.

I find myself missing World of Warcraft more and more the more I read about Lich King. I don't know if it's because I genuinely feel I've been missing out these 3.5 years I haven't played, or if it is because it is becoming less and less likely I'll be able to play anytime soon and that I'll very likely miss the Lich King launch. With four and a half weeks left my window to get re-established before launch is rapidly closing.

I guess I just have to keep on as I've been keeping on; focus on what I do have, focus on my positives, stay hopeful that change for the better is right around any corner I turn.

Time passes

It's 2:30, hungry for a snack, but I need to / should leave this campus in about an hour. I have my other class project to do some work on that's on the way out. It took less time to do the writing for the other class than I predicted. Well, what I could of the writing since I haven't done the reading. I should have over 2 hours to do the reading / finish the writing, which should be more than enough.

Not much really going on besides that. I did the writing and watched the Unit. After that I cruised my fun boards, checked email, and did a couple of job checks. Nothing exciting anywhere really. In fact, the only real interesting thing right now is a panic thread about PC gaming dying. Well, of course it's not dying. Sure, there are more developers designing for consoles for several reasons. PC gaming won't die. The consoles and PC will re-merge into a single unit long before there is a death of PC gaming. The Playstation 3 and Xbox 360 are already the early signs of such a unified media box. I expect the next version of each will be much closer to a gaming box that easily does email, Internet and other PC like things that the non-business person would be interested in. It wouldn't surprise me to see a very different landscape for both within as little as 15 years. No sense panicking over what is an inevitable evolution.

Basically just hanging in the cafeteria looking at cuties for an hour, hehe. No sense going back to the computers, as nothing new would show up during that time. It smells odd in here today, like candles. Like someone was burning them on a birthday cake and then put them out.

Day 105 - 10/14 - Down day

Late breakfast nom, 10:45. I may just stay in this comfy chair spot till I have lunch. I checked jobs like three times, got an email saying I was peep 17 for the senior office assistant position. I guess that's something if they draw interviews and applications in order. I guess I should get results for the lesser office assistant in about a week since I took the tests a week or two apart if I recall. Watched Heroes and How I Met Your Mother. Terminator and Clone Wars aren't up yet.

I've had this odd feeling since last night. A disturbance in the Force. It's like I'm forgetting something I'm supposed to do today, or like I need to go somewhere, but there isn't anything I know of that I'm forgetting or missing. The only thing coming up is the assignment for Wednesday, and I cranked that out super quick last night.

I started today with a t-shirt and undershirt. I haven't done that in I don't know how long, possibly never. Normally I do a long sleeve shirt if I have an undershirt. It's warming up pretty good and I may take off the under shirt before lunch.

No comments on the silly hat yet. Wore it quite a bit yesterday and in to the cafeteria just now. Of course, I do wear it backwards, so I likely won't get any comments unless the peep is looking at my butt.

I wish I had taken more classes to be among the peeps instead of just near them. There weren't any classes that looked like they would help my cause though. Plus the whole not having money to pay for them or books problem. It's still sad to think so much of my day is spent waiting with little to do save for work on Epic Fail. I suppose it's what Fate wants me to do though; observe, entertain, persevere, inspire. I've gotten half a dozen emails and PMs from peeps saying how it helped them stay inspired or persevere through their own troubles, or they moved into action, or reconnected with someone, due to Epic Fail reminding them of things in their own life. So, at least I know it isn't all for nothing. Still, it seems so strange to look at this immense, now 420+ page paperback and go, "Woah, I wrote a book." It's certainly not what I expected as my first publication having previously done poems and short stories and now working on my theory. (Though that's on hold at the moment.) Well, Epic Fail is a start, and hopefully someday soon we'll have a happy ending.

Time passes

Snack time at just after 2:45, though I'm not really hungry today compared to yesterday when I was super hungry. I think it's because I'm getting more and more sad about not being able to play WoW and that it is highly likely I'll miss Lich King's launch.

Watched some BlizzCon videos on Diablo 3 and I'm all 'eeeeee want to play'. I'm guessing they are looking at holiday season '10 for that, so I've likely got plenty of time. Sooner than Spring of 2010 would really surprise me. Although, September 9th of 2009 would be a cute date play (9.9.9).

Nothing new other than that. Really no posts for jobs of any kind, and zero email. Not even spam. (Though thank the gods I get zero to 10 a day now compared to when I was on my ex-roomies server where I'd get 500-1000 spam emails a day.)

I'm feeling very sad and blah today. I miss life. Yes, I'm alive and healthy, but I'm not living. I'm simply existing. Life is continuing to pass me by and there is nothing I can do to rejoin the fun.

Time passes

Faded out for a bit. My eyelids got heavy then I was all zzz, then my body would hop awake, then get sleepy sleepy sleepy *head flop* zzz, hehe. I was out for a few minutes, then up for a very brief while, then out, hehe. I was down for about 1/2 hour total just then. Not like I need to stay awake for any reason. There are still almost exactly 5.5 hours I can access the computers with nothing to do. I'll do yet another job search soon, but with how it's gone so far today it will yield no results.

I saw the cuties three closest campus cafeteria friends a while ago. Still zero sign of her. Odd Fate would have me see her often enough for her to register as a regular, then move me to give her a note right before she stops showing up on campus. I guess, as usual, Fate moved me to cause an effect, not to be affected. Either that or it was just to open my eyes to other cuties, or realize I can still be greatly affected by cuties in unexpected ways. Whatever the reason, at this point it seems unlikely there will be any more interaction with her.

I took off my undershirt not too long ago. It's warm enough to wear shorts now. I won't change though. More than likely in about 3 hours it will be cold again. Maybe I can have some warm weather for a bit longer after all.

Time passes

There is the hugest PC lab evar in the tech building. Must be like 100 systems all with nice 20" 16:10 monitors. Unfortunately that is yet another area I can't access because I'm not signed up for classes here. Kind of lame it is supposedly a joined campus with the school I do have classes at, yet my fees I paid don't qualify me to use resources here and there. I could sign up for a one unit class and then I'd have access. The huge lab offers self paced courses. One is on Acrobat, which is the program that would do all kinds of advanced things for the e-publication of Epic Fail. The only trouble is that one class would cost $13-40, which I of course don't have. Ah well. I guess the Epic Fail cover and Home Entertainment button will have to wait. If I could get even just 1/2 hour on my ex-roomies system I could do what I needed for the Home Entertainment button. I can do the coding tweaks elsewhere. (Provided she still has Flash, which she should.) I could also probably set up my system in the garage and pull it over to the USB drive. Well... I suppose if life were easy I'd have never written Epic Fail and I likely wouldn't have been motivated to make the Home Entertainment page.

Ran another job / email check. As expected, nothing. For feeling like there was an important thing I was forgetting to do today a whole lot of nothing has happened so far. *sigh* Well... 4.25 hours of access remain and I suppose anything could happen at any time in offline life.

Time passes

News of yet another netbook, the Samsung NC10. Seems to be the base 10.2" screen at 1024x600 res and 6-cell battery, but options on manufacturer is always good. Now we have four to choose from. At this point I am more likely to just go straight back into a home than consider getting a netbook/portable.

Day 106 - 10/15 - Feeling young, feeling outside

I posted week 15, checked jobs/emails, and got some b-fast. I spent some time peeping Death Knight abilities on a site. I'm so happy and excited *hops around like an excited bunny* Want to play, want to play, want to play. It seems they do have a taunt ability, actually one that's better, which I was worried about, and the site also gave me some insight into how they play in general. So, yeeeaaa!

I think I see the cutie. I'll page her and see if she wants the ring/armor and glasses.

Time passes

So I gave the stuffs to the cutie, hehe. When I sent the message she was like, 'lol where are you? Just come over.' So I spent a few minutes with her and her (male) friend Adrian. There were more peeps there at the table, but with as loud as it is it's tough to hear anything, so it was just us three talking. Heh, when I went back to the car to get the stuff I grabbed my hat, but now it's warming up too much to really wear and I'm even considering changing out of my night/house shirt. The undershirt and long sleeve shirt is a bit much. We'll see how I feel in a bit.

I was all super happy to be near a cutie and have her including me in her friend chatting. Sadly though I don't think she's interested in teh rabb1t snuggles. I suppose it's ok. She is quite young, and I think she may have mentioned she's around 19. I am likely way out of her range she would consider for a sweetie. Well, she has a class from 10 to noon, and she'll be back in the cafeteria after class. So maybe she will let me hang with her at lunch and we'll see what there is or is not then. It's funny though. When she opened the glasses box and I said they were for her (I was saving the extra to just give away some day, so there we go) and she could share with her friends Adrian's eyes got all big and he gasped excitedly. lol hehe. They are pretty cool, but much lower quality than I was expecting.

So who knows, I may have some at least temporary friend peeps. I still don't know the cuties name, and it seems very unlikely she's interested, but you never know. She may be, or she may introduce me to someone who would be. My ex-sweetie was 13 years younger, I think I mentioned that, and that seemed to work out ok because I look and act so much younger. The one thing that relationship really taught me was you have to look at personality, interests, and chemistry and go from there. I doubt I'll ever find a sweetie 15+ years younger, but I've learned to look at interests and experience first (and ignore age). I've never really been able to live my life. I have so little life experience. There is still so much to do and explore with someone that I don't really think it would be so bad.

I don't know. I don't think she's interested. When she left I got a hand shake, not a hug. But we can see why Fate moved us to meet as time goes on. I find life is best with no expectations, let it surprise you. Expect nothing. For now she has my ring/armor, which as I feared is too big for her, but she can resize it. And she has the box of glasses, so who knows where those will go and who they will make happy. That's about eight or so happy peeps, hehe.

Yeah, I think I'll go back to the car and change my shirt. Drop the night cloths off, change to my silly glasses, hehe. Since I updated Epic Fail there isn't anything I need to do till class tonight.

Time passes

I saw the cutie again at lunch and hung with her peeps. It's 2:20 now, trying to get an email/job check, but all the systems are busy. I finally found out her name, Kelly. Her friends had a lot of lols playing with the glasses. She wasn't giving them out to peeps, just letting them play with them. Sadly teh rabb1t got another handshake when she left after lunch. (I asked about the doggy. He'll be ok with meds.) I guess that's ok though, probably too young and all. She was talking about a date she went on and was sort of flirting with a guy, so yeeeaaa for romance. You have to be ok with that - when someone you are interested in isn't interested - it's not good for a relationship if things are imbalanced, so it's for the best. Besides, you never want to be with someone who isn't really interested in you. You want to find someone just as interested in you as you are in them.

I guess we'll see if anything comes of Fate moving us together. Maybe it was for indirect reasons. (To move me to others she is attached to or who would hear about what I'd done or what-not. Like, who knows what impact the playing with the glasses will have.) They are in a different world, one I never got to be a part of. I never really got to be young and have fun like that. Since my mom died when I was 13 I had to start taking care of myself emotionally. My dad sold the house and moved us out of the area, moving me away from the few friends I had. In the two years I had there at the new location those bonds never really formed with any new people. While Kelly's friends likely met her here, and also had no prior bonds with one another, I never had that chance. Due to my dad and I not getting along I left home immediately after high school. Then I was taking care of myself emotionally and physically. By the time I could afford to go to college full time I was already older enough than the other students so that they never formed bonds with me.

I've said this all before - I think I missed my chance at having a fun time growing up and it seems there will be no second chances.

Will anything come from meeting these new peeps? Will there be anything beyond me watching them being silly and sharing their lols? Only time will tell. For now at least Fate seems to want me here, influencing these lives in this way, or them influencing me, making me philosophical, so I in turn pass that to you. If I had a job I wouldn't be here. (Unless I got a job on campus, heh.) Whatever the reason, as usual, Fate likely isn't moving me for me, but for them or for you. At this point all I can say is take that chance if you can when you can. Don't miss your window.

It makes me wonder sometimes. Back in the day when debt people were calling me this one person and I started talking about me returning to school to try and move things forward. She mentioned she was unsure if she should go to medical school due to her age (nearing 40). I mentioned that if she passed the tests, if she had the money or could get loans, she should not give up, she should try her best. If the window exists take it.

Have I missed mine in life? In love? In friendship? In jobs? I may never know for sure. All I can trust, all I can believe, is that I am, and always have been, moved by Fate. Now influencing enough lives to consider myself a Knight of Fate all I can do is live by what is given to me and follow the paths presented before me. I don't fight it anymore. I don't let people poop talk about what has become of me or my choices that I make. I accept what I am. I protect who I can. I pass what insight I can gleen on to those it may serve. I have always, and continue to, live for others. I may be sad about the things I seemingly can't have, the things everyone else has, but I am not them. And maybe... maybe I can never join everyone else.

Time passes

Upon reflection even in my game life I've followed a similar path, starting with Cleric, then Paladin, then Warrior and now to Death Knight. Each seemingly tied to a particular part of my life. Cleric was when I was stable and had friends. Paladin when I was stable, but mostly alone. Warrior later still when I was stable, but unsure of my future, and even more alone. Now Death Knight, when I'm unstable, alone, and often times sad or hurting. I've never been one to play a class that didn't reflect my personality at the time. Sure I've tried alts, but I rapidly go back to the main. It seems silly to say this, and I certainly don't base my whole life on games, though it certainly is drawn upon often. Guess I just thought I'd toss that one out there. My thoughts before were sad and I didn't want peeps overly sad for me, heh.

Time passes

hehe I flirted with a cutie in my Wednesday class. Last week we had this activity where we were supposed to pair up with someone, so I turned to her as a way to get to know her. We agreed on several things (philosophical things) and I did a funny voice and manner when doing my parts (we were pretending to interview each other) and I made her lol with my funny character I did. This week she was near me and I made her lol some more. She's pretty cute, not my usual type, but she made me smile so I gave her my card. She nodded and was smiley, so maybe a something will come of it. I know she is not as young as the cuties at the other campus because she mentioned she already had a bachelors as well as taking other classes, so that's good. (That is actually more common than not for the child development degree as classes are almost all at night.) Anyways, sharing teh rabb1t flirts and cheerful thoughts to balance out the sad ones.

It's 9:30 now. Class is over and the excitement is rapidly wearing off. Normally I'm kind of school charged after and in a do school stuff mood, but what with not having a home I can't do any school stuff really. With a home I'd go home and often do school stuff while cooking then do other stuff when the food was ready. I got some foods at the store, so I'll have a bit of chicken tender then head off to the sleeping spot. I wanted a whole fast food meal, but opted for the chicken tenders, as they are about the same cost but make 2-3 meals vs. just the one.

The popping is kind of back. I'm still worried it could be something important. I don't hear it for most of my travel speeds (zero to 45 MPH.) Mostly I just hear it when revving up to go on the freeway, and even then it disappears after about two minutes. So I don't know if it has to do with acceleration, pushing the pedal harder, an inclined position, or what. It's probably a fuel line or fuel filter issue. I don't think those are cheap at a mechanic's shop. *sigh*

Well... snack nom, then 'off to bed' I guess.

Day 107 - 10/16 - A slow day

Let's see... it's 11:20, lunch nom. I watched Knight Rider. I was going to watch Bones, but it wasn't up yet. Today's project is figuring out which abilities I want where on my hotkey bars for Death Knight. Now that I have an ability list I can start to think about play style and strategies. Although, more than 1.5 bars tends to confuse me. I don't understand how peeps can do things like have 3+ bars of abilities up. I was glad to hear in a dev interview that Blizzard said, 'If you need more than one bar we are doing something wrong.' I'm all for options on how to use/play your character, so more abilities are great, but I think forcing players to have two to three bars in every situation is just not a game I'd enjoy. To me that isn't a challenging game, it's a game of whack-a-mole. But, I'm all for maybe two bars, one each for a different strategy or situation.

Hopefully I can still make it for launch. With only four weeks till launch it's extremely unlikely unless someone welcomes me into their home. With just still the 5 hours of work a week even if someone hired me full time today it is very unlikely I could build up enough cash. Plus, with only the Sunnyvale job apps and a few school apps out in cycle, it is extremely unlikely I'd be in a position in less than two weeks. So it is very likely I won't even have my first paycheck by launch even if someone does hire me soon.

Well, 8.5 hours of unrestricted access remain. One hour beyond that of limited access. Tons of time to run a half a dozen or more job checks. But, you peeps know that by now, heh.

Time passes

No joy on job stuff. It's 2:30, snack nom.

I spent a ton of time messing with Epic Fail (the .pdf file). I think it was like 1.5 hours editing all the smileys to be smaller. Now they don't alter the line spacing. Hopefully they aren't too small to see when printed.

I'm pretty sure I've got my Death Knight hotkey bars all worked out. My talents match to the abilities I was/am expecting to use as well, so I should be all ready to go... save for not having a home to play in.

Time passes

Today has actually turned out pretty slow. Despite my resting in my car this morning an hour longer than usual, I've had very little to do. I've checked my boards three or four times, jobs about half a dozen times, watched a show, worked on Epic Fail, and just now I even messed around with a character site for Petraclies (my Death Knight.) Though, I don't yet know if I'll follow through with the site. It may just turn out to be a collection of screen shots and the 'unit voice' ideas, which I don't need a specific character site for. I had some really nice screenshots back in the day. I'm sad I didn't keep them.

I'm kind of hungry, but it's only 5:30. Roughly 2 hours till I would normally eat. Two and a half hours till the little computer area closes, three and a half for the main library. It is pretty warm out, though it likely will rapidly cool off once the sun goes down. I'll probably just chill here for 1/2 hour, then go change to night cloths, grab my dinner, and micro it in a bit. I'm still torn on what to have. I got some Chef Boyardee stuff on sale for $1 each, so I could do one of them, I have two different ones, or the chicken tenders. I'm very tempted to go crazy and do both, but I have to be really careful, as I don't have much leeway left. After dropping roughly $8 on oil I have to stay super conservative on meals. I'm so tired of my cheap chicken soup though. Eating the same meal for both lunch and dinner gets tired real fast.

The day feels like... change is on the wind. Though there is no wind, and I don't see what change could possibly come, as it's been forever since I sent out a resume for a job I was hopeful to get. Logic says nothing could change, and of course the past few times it felt like something was coming nothing happened. Maybe it's just wishful thinking as I sit here watching everyone mill around to meet friends, to go eat in the cafeteria, to wander into the library, and to wander off towards the parking garage. It still seems so strange that they all have homes, many have jobs, most have sweeties and friends, yet I have effectively nothing. As long as I draw breath I have life. Is life alone enough? I suppose, for now at least, it must be.

Day 108 - 10/17 - Margins

Fair news - I got two extra shifts at work. That's around $100 'extra' once I get it. Basically it will be enough for some leeway on food choice and building up a bit for gas when I start a regular work schedule. It will also secure monies for paying off Lich King, which I may have been able to do from money dad will probably send for Halloween. But it's guaranteed now, as dad's money is unreliable. I probably shouldn't get it, as I have to leave it in storage... but want to play want to play *bunny ears flop sadly* *sad face*

A few of Kelly's friends are here, but only two that I kind of met before. They look like they are doing a something, about eight of them, no Kelly, so I'll pass on hanging with them without an official invite.

I watched Survivor, but that's the only show I had for today. There are a few not posted, but they may be on break or something.

I may have found a way to do the Epic Fail cover. I forgot that pretty much all computers have a generic paint program. It's possible it may be able to get my cover. It may not be perfect, but it likely would get my main graphic. It's an old school concept that will be like 100x64 pixels big with text over it, so I may be able to do the base graphic. Text will likely come later when I get access to Photoshop and can layer it properly. It would be something more than generic text though, heh.

Time passes

Snack time, around 2:30. I discovered that I forgot to set the page margins on the .pdf version of Epic Fail. heh. Reducing those cut it down from ~425 pages to ~350 pages, so yeah. Of course, once I get the pictures developed that will add a dozen or so pages. I'll have to try and remember to see about developing that once the 'extra' money comes.

I finally saw last week's Clone Wars. Took them almost a week to post it for some reason.

I made a basic cover with the paint program. No color printers around to check it with, so hopefully it looks ok. I'll run a black and white print when I can to see how it looks.

Just under two hours till I should head out for foods to cover me for Saturday and Sunday when I can't micro, gas, and mini-work.

Time passes

I messed with my hotkeys a bit more while here at mini-work. I wonder if the list of abilities I have is current. There only seem to be two diseases, while several abilities are boosted based on the number of diseases on the target. You would think there would be more. Maybe they stack? Or maybe it's to encourage you to have multiple Death Knights? Makes me want to play. I miss being part of an online game. I totally would be playing now if I could to warm up for the expansion and reconnect to the players on the server.

I got out one application before my access ended and left for mini-work. It's a city position. Kind of a mix of general office duties and things like driving broken city cars to the repair shop. I didn't notice a close date for applications, but it likely would be weeks before I hear back and then a test phase that would make it weeks more till an interview. I think I only managed to get about three applications out this week. Totally lame. I guess this is a bonus because it was the first one that was full time. Overall lame week for applications. Maybe everyone is tightening up for the holiday season and holding new hires till the new year when there are less holidays that may disrupt training.

Time passes

How strange and sad. I was out of my car for a few minutes getting a snack. I ate early at like 6 so now at 7:45 I'm a bit hungry again, and I had an odd flash. I was walking back and heard a noise. My brain flashed like the noise was a doorbell and it woke me up in a house, as if I'd fallen asleep on my bed, waking up from all of this. As if the past 120 or so days had been a terrible dream, and I was actually in a home and everything was fine. My computer turned on in the corner with games subscribed and ready to be played, my school books scattered across my bed, as if I fell asleep studying. I wish so much it were true for me. I suppose I should rest secure in the knowledge that something has come of it. At least Epic Fail may serve to help some people in some way and it isn't all for nothing.

Day 109 - 10/18 - Surprise and pizza

It's nearing 7 PM, time for drive in dinner theater. Today's story begins around noon, after I'd done some research to update my system prices and AMD CPU recommendations. I got a call from my ex-roomie/friend saying her boyfriend went out for most of the day and did I want to come over to watch some shows. So I did. We watched two episodes of Supernatural and the most recent Survivor. Looks like Supernatural is being posted online over one week behind regular airing, so I was a week behind and didn't even know it. When I first got over there she was playing World of Warcraft to check out the new changes. So we talked about Lich King for a bit. She hadn't eaten lunch yet and said she was going to get some pizza and asked if I wanted some. She got this smoke house kind and told them no BBQ sauce because she remembered I didn't like it very much, which I'd totally forgotten. Apparently I've missed two emails from her now. I don't know what's up with that. I hope it's not my email, because it's supposed to send me everything, even stuff it thinks is spam.

I went to the bathroom while I was there. I'd forgotten how quiet private space is. Lately I've been thinking about how it is impossible for me to get private space - everywhere I go is public. There is constant noise, constant movement of people, constant potential to get interrupted or disrupted. The bathroom was quiet and still, a world I'd forgotten existed.

So that was some fun times for a few hours with my ex-roomie/friend back at the ex-house. The subject of the garage / how am I sleeping didn't come up, so I didn't bring up the issue. It is getting pretty cold and waking me up between around 4 to 7 AM, but it seems tolerable so far. While I'm not working I can always nap again at school. Like this morning after I got to the parking spot I slept for about 1.5 hours.

After I had to run over to a classmate's place to grab a book to make copies of some pages I need. What a time sink. On the way back the check engine light came on again, eep! I watched the clock and backed off the speed. It lasted less than two minutes. Again there was no odd noise, no smell, not even any noticeable popping. I hear it faintly every now and then, mostly just over 45 and really only above 60. I guess I should shift priorities a bit. My contacts seem like they are still holding up ok, and I have the previous pair (also worn like two months) and a stronger pair I only wear on rare occasion. (Good for distance vision, but I can get headaches if I use them for normal use too long.) I think I should consider spending $50 of my next paycheck to change the oil. (Hopefully it won't exceed $70 and I only have the $100 extra.) With two more 'extra' shifts coming up on the next paycheck (after that one) that should get top priority, as I can't afford the car to break and it is the only affordable fix. I just now gave it the last 2/3 quart of oil I had. It is now 110% full. With being about 1250 miles past due that likely is what the engine is being picky about. It's pure black instead of yellowish. I'm preying it's disappearance after a few minutes means the on-board computer doesn't consider the issue a persistent and critical threat, but just a minor and temporary issue that only happens at a certain speed and under certain conditions.

So here we are now. Roughly 7:15 and my day rapidly slows to a crawl. I have dinner theater and nothing to do till 10:30-11 when I 'go to bed', then nothing in the morning till noon when the computer room opens.

But now... the waiting continues...

Day 110 - 10/19 - The haunting melody

It's two hours till the library opens. It's a fairly chilly day, kind of foggy. Last night the sky was all orangish. My shield wasn't there Friday or Saturday night, so I haven't slept super well lately. Hopefully it will be back tomorrow.

I got some semi-private shower time this morning. Sundays no one is in the locker rooms, so I didn't really have to worry about anyone coming in, but I did keep looking over my shoulder for it. Maybe it's because I grew up an only child, so I had lots of private time, but as I mentioned yesterday private time is a very precious commodity for me. I really haven't had any times I could really relax since this whole ordeal started. Sure, my night spot I found seems safe enough, even without the shield. Sure, now I'm effectively alone in this parking structure and likely will remain so for the roughly 1.5 hours till I go wait for the library. But I'm always always having to look over my shoulder for who is looking at me, why they may be looking at me, is anyone going to break through my plastic top and go crazy and attack me, or steal my stuff when I'm away. (Though I carry my important cloths and bunnies in my bag all the time along with this book and my school book.) There really is never a moment I haven't had to worry about if I'm ok, or can I do this thing, without worry of interruption or blocking someone else from doing a something.

Lots of updates set up to do today, though they likely won't take long. AMD CPU recommendations, Home Entertainment center pictures to do, old screenshots from WoW to post to my WoW site. I thought up another 'unit voice' saying for Death Knight, hehe. I'm dangerously short on time though. Only 3.5 weeks remain till launch. I likely don't need to worry too much from a leveling standpoint, as there will always be people to level with. My ex-roomie/friend's main character is apparently not even 50 yet, so there is that. Plus, there will be a flood of Death Knights at launch, so there may actually be too many to level well right at launch. (As an over abundance wouldn't be wanted by groups or guilds.) Though, as an experienced tank I do know I'll enjoy the class, as opposed to many in those first few weeks who don't tank and may discover they really don't like it.

*sigh* Well, I am at the mercy of Fate. What happens happens, or does not happen, when Fate determines it. My life is completely out of my hands at the moment. I can control my movement, my showers, what affordable foods I eat, what jobs I apply to, but that's it. I have no TV shows on TV to watch, so I'm not moved by the TV schedule. I have no real work to speak of, so I'm not moved by a work schedule. Having no money I'm not moved by movie or game releases. Having no sweetie or friends I have no other commitments. I am still very much at the mercy of the chaotic swirling raging river of life.

Time passes

Taking a break from the room. I did all my site updates and all my Epic Fail updates. It's... 3:15, so I've still got 2.75 hours of access left. I had to wander campus a bit to go pee. For some reason the bathroom near the computers was locked. I heard some singing, choir like, and a violin. When I found a bathroom and came back out the singing had stopped, but I had to follow the violin. It appears to be a lone guy practicing. Even though I don't listen to music there is always something about live music, mostly strings or woodwinds, that I find haunting. I am drawn to it. I need to find where it's coming from. I don't really ever stay, but my mind will always wonder where the music is. I guess it's like it haunts my soul and makes me think back to simpler times long ago when a good day was walking through the town center and finding a festival with live music, good foods, and chatting among other town folk. What... I guess circa 1800s?

There are some megaphone people shouting about a something in the distance. I'll see if I can investigate that too before returning to the room. Since I'm updated and all there isn't much more to do today.

Time passes

Access is over and so begins another 4 hour period of waiting, hiding, and trying to stay warm 'before bed'. It is becoming increasingly difficult to dry my towel in the car during the day. The towel has been up now for 9 hours and it is still a bit wet. I may have to go to a shower every other day unless I want to start carrying my wet towel around with me in school to dry it out.

I never discovered what the protest noise was about. A couple of them are walking through the parking lot now.

I didn't really do much since our last chat. Someone praised Epic Fail on one of the boards as one of the best things he's read recently. I watched most of the 80 minute premier for Sanctuary, which is a new show that started a few weeks ago, so I have two more to catch up on after the premier if I continue to watch. Ran a couple of job checks, as expected nothing there for the weekend. I did get a donation so that will help give me a touch of leeway and some cushion once that flips to my account.

The night rapidly grows cold and quiet. The hours will slowly pass by as I hide from sight in the shadows until school is open again and I can once again be among a world that will not question me.

Day 111 - 10/20 - Shows and toys

It's almost lunch time around 10:30 now. I'm super hungry, but I'll try and hold out to have lunch as long as I can as I don't normally eat till 11:30+.

I think I caught another cold or the first never fully went away. Not really surprising considering how much I'm out in the cold weather. At least the shield is back, so I got some very decent sleep last night.

I tried to watch some shows, but teh Intarwebs at school are suffering a pretty bad lag storm making it nearly impossible now. Sanctuary seems ok. It's really low budget in what they use for sets, so I doubt it will ever reach enough mainstream appeal to survive past a first season. The Unit was far too lagged to watch. I couldn't even get three minutes in before it fully locked.

I've got an observation assignment I need to do today, so that will eat up a fair bit of time starting just after 2.

That's really it for today. Feeling sick with a cough and lung congestion, maybe some shows, observation later today, no job postings to apply to yet.

I've been thinking a lot lately about things once loved but now lost. My screenshots for WoW brought up these thoughts. Back when I got my printer, I guess about a year ago now, one of my greatest hopes was that it can produce nice prints for my screen shots. (Which it will do brilliantly.) I've never been one for taking pictures, well I have a bunch for Epic Fail, but I mean of every day life. In nearly every home you can find the wall covered with pictures of the people who live there, friends, family, but my walls have always been bare. Even when I was a young teen I never really did the poster or picture thing. But in recent times, since I've been doing online games, I've taken several screen shots. I think I still have one or two from way back in the day of my main Everquest character. It made me think of what has really been important in my life and what I've lost over time. I found some low res versions of some of my best screen shots for WoW, but the full size versions seem lost. Once upon a time I loved WoW. Over time I felt more and more lonely and got tired of doing the same half dozen things over and over. I left just over three years ago now. As the years passed I'd forgotten that love and discarded my screen shots. (I tossed the backup files they were on.) Now that I'm pondering / wishing to return, now that I realize how much I've missed that part of me, the loss makes me very sad.

When I was young I had lots of cool toys. I guess I've always been a collector as long as I can remember. Even when I was like 8 I kept things neatly stored and sorted. At one time I had just about all of the first run Star Wars toys. To this day I still have a few Star Trek items; a blueprint set and Starfleet manual. I also have a few records of the Shadow radio show. But when I was in my mid teens I had sort of lost interest in Star Wars, so my dad sent all those toys to my cousins. In my early 20s I rediscovered that love and now to this day so many years later I regret losing them. (I asked my cousins what became of them and they barely remembered having them and lost them long ago.)

I think I talked about this before, but if you ever have something you love and then lose interest I beg you to do yourself a favor and box it up and put it into storage. I have always purged myself of things I no longer enjoyed, shedding my old skin and items when I reinvent myself, but now I find I greatly regret that. I don't miss the games I simply enjoyed, but I do miss the ones I loved. I don't miss the toys based on shows or movies that I just liked, but I do regret losing the ones I loved.

I think the things we love will always be a part of us. We may no longer do those things, we may no longer think of those things, but I think it is very important to keep those things.

Now as I think back to those times and forward to new ones, I no longer have the physical thing only the memory of what once was. And that will have to be enough, for I can never go back, we can only go forward. Nothing is ever the same as the first time we love. Each time after is different.

Day 112 - 10/21 - Disconnect

Teh Intarwebs are down. I thought I'd grab some breakfast since my donation monies flipped, but nooooo. Apparently the credit card machine is attached to teh Intarwebs. That's the first I've ever heard of anyone using regular Internet to connect a credit card validation thing. I had enough cash for a juice, but no doughnut.

Well, at least I got an email and job check in before it went down, but now at about 10:30 I've got nothing to do till it comes up. It's too early for lunch. I could run out and grab some gas and cash for foods later, but I don't know. I like to just stay put on campus on Tuesdays and Thursdays once I'm here. I have my extra shift this Thursday though and I can do laundry before class tomorrow, so yea!

Time passes

Today is a weird day. I'm feeling really sick all of a sudden. I came in for lunch nom at around 12:30, at the time I'm feeling ok. I micro my soup and by the time I get back to my table I'm feeling sick, like someone punched me in the tummy. It can't be food, because I started feeling sick before I ate. I suppose it could be my tummy objecting to the soup, the same soup I've had for lunch and most dinners for over just about a week straight now. Tonight I'll get Panda Express, so that should make tummy happy. And, though somewhat expensive I suppose I could get chicken shapes here in the cafeteria tomorrow, give tummy the promise of not-micro soups for a bit.

*Yikes!* Interrupted by an emergency bathroom trip. The lung congestion must be an infection that's in more places than just my lungs.

I'm feeling very disconnected today - like a fish in a fish bowl. People pass by my bowl going about their daily lives, but I can't hear them and they don't interact with me because I'm not beautiful. It's strange to feel this way though. Just last night in class I made many helpful comments and a few students totally appreciated that. (Well, I'm sure more than just the two will take something from what I said, but the two were very grateful. ) And this morning when teh Intarwebs was down I chatted for a few minutes with some of the regular morning guys who are here every day. So it's not like I'm totally ignored. It's not like I'm not appreciated my view / understanding / experience / perspective isn't valued. I know it is. And even without others validating it I know teh rabb1t fans appreciate me.

So, to feel such a high level of disconnect seems strange. I guess maybe it's just because it's the end of week 16. Maybe it's just my being sad at seeing my ex-roomie/friend playing WoW when I can't. Though I know many of you are. I'm genuinely glad some peeps out there are having fun when I can't. Maybe it's because I've been thinking like an outsider lately - wondering what others think of me, challenging everything I do and say.

People think so many things are black and white or on a continuum, but I prefer to think of things like a marble on a roulette wheel, though I think of a wheel with no top in the middle. The ball must roll. Worn grooves and timing may influence where the ball lands at the edge, but it doesn't have to land in the same place every time. Take any situation, any input. Think about how you react. Must you react that way every time? There is a huge array of possible reactions. Nothing dictates that you react in that way besides habit. Smooth the grooves on the wheel and the ball can roll anywhere. It must roll, but it doesn't have to go where it's gone before.

Maybe that will make more sense with an example. Let's take an extreme example. Say someone comes up to you and pokes you in the tummy. You may react with confusion. Say someone normally reacts with yelling at that person. Is confusion for the first person or yelling with the second their only possible response? If the poke drops the ball, and the grooves dictate the path, what if you remove the grooves? You could then beep that person's nose in reply, or hug them, or go 'woop woop woop', or flap your arms, or any number of things.

I guess this isn't really going anywhere, heh. Crazy rabb1t brain philosophy on reaction to stimuli. I guess I'm just saying 'expand your mind.' You don't have to react the same all the time. You don't have to travel the same path all the time. Do something different in your daily life. Experience something in a different way. Look at things or people at a different angle, from a different perspective. Recognize the things you don't like about yourself and affect change if you can. Anything is possible. The ball will roll, but must it always follow the same path?

Time passes

The day is nearly over. It's nearing 6:15 and I'm hanging in the cafeteria. I watched a bunch of shows, cycled between checking job sites and boards. The day feels like it whizzed by, but I don't feel like I actually did anything.

I guess I'm just feeling tired of this whole (homeless) thing and feeling fairly defeated.

I'm so tired of only having like $3 to eat with a day.

So tired of my feet hurting and feeling like my feet bottoms are totally smashed and bruised.

So tired of my back, side, shoulders and legs being cramped from car sleeping.

So tired of days passing without new jobs to apply to or positive word back from jobs I hope to get or would at least be something to help in the mean time.

So tired of my car being stinky due to carrying around dirty cloths.

So tired of being tired.

So tired of living within the world, but being forced outside of it.

Time passes

Panda Express nom ^.^. "There are lessons to be learned by listening to others." (in bed) hehe

Off to Safeway in a minute to get some drinks, candies, and most importantly laundry soap. The car seems ok, so I won't worry about oil for now and just get a full oil change after I get paid Thursday. I'll likely call and see if I can do that Friday or something. Might have to wait till next week, depends how many have appointments set up for the weekend. Should be fine (the car). I've seen zero signs of trouble since I've been sticking to sub-60 MPH speeds as much as possible. Most of my day I don't go over 40.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008, 2009
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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