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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Day 239 - 2/25 - Finally warming back up

Lunch time nom just after 1. It's finally warming up again. Even though the sky is a light shade of gray I slept with just one layer on last night, no pants or socks at all through most of the night. And now I've only got a t-shirt, undershirt, and pants, underwear, and socks. I've got no outer layer and no jacket.

Um... don't know what to say really. Nothing interesting going on today yet. No new job news. Lots of cuties here today, but as always none are talking to me.

There is some paperwork and an assignment I've been ignoring that I really can't put off anymore, so I'll do that after I visit the kids. That will be bleh.

Oh, someone at the library gave me a something. Back a few weeks ago I mentioned to you peeps how two of the librarians in the Internet lab rely on me to answer questions they don't know, one of them gave me a power bar thing for helping lately, heh. In the past few days there were a couple of things I helped with. So, that was nice. There was a price tag for $1.75 on it and I said, "You didn't really pay this much for this did you?!" And she's like, "No, but you (helping) are totally worth it. " Before you go thinking there may be a something there, there isn't. She's an 'older gal', I'd guess closer to 50 than not. But, as always, good to be validated / appreciated.

Nearing 1:30 now, guess I should pack up and get ready for my time with the kids.

Time passes

Dinner time at almost 7:15. There are some people in here, must be a class, and they are all drawing wiggly stick figures of people they see with charcoal. hehe. It's like the assignment is to spend 10-15 seconds per figure and that's it.

The extra mini work hasn't totally set the schedule yet, but it seems she's tentatively set me up with three shifts. In total that would be 14 total work hours per week, more than my two nights a week I was doing a few months ago. Not a super lot, but enough that if it continued for about two months I could get my netbook. Not the gamer one, but the non-gamer one. Which, as mentioned, would give me unrestricted access to all of my non-gaming life. With donations it could happen even sooner. Though I only got one donation in January and one so far in February. They are pretty rare these days, so that is very unlikely to accelerate my netbook plans. Or, with donations or waiting a bit longer I could get the gamer one. Of course the critical things (contacts, tires, oil change, extra car insurance thing, etc.) continue to become more critical as time passes, so the most likely "plan" is to get the non-gaming netbook and start tending the critical items as quick as possible after that.

I didn't do either thing I was supposed to. One I couldn't do because the directions sent me to websites that didn't work and the other is now blocked by someone monopolizing the scanner I need. I guess I'll do them later.

I'm so exhaustedly tired. I think I caught another cold. My muscles ache, I've got a headache, my eyes hurt, and I want nothing more to go to bed, in a real bed, get lots of extra sleep and play games and have fun for a few days, not worry about or do any work or school stuff. I'm so sad and tired from not having a place to physically belong and rest. At least this time, unlike when I was homeless as a teenager, I have places I belong and I'm wanted mentally and emotionally, online safe havens as it were. At least there is that.

Day 240 - 2/26 - Such a sweetie

Christine is such a sweetie. Every time she's seen me since I gave her the Valentines packet she's always said hi and stuff. Last night she asked, "So how come yer always here?" And I replied, "I have nowhere else to go. " And she's like, "Really? " She asked if it was temporary and I said, "Gods I hope so. " I think though that she may have meant temporary in a far shorter time span than I am thinking, like an out of your house because you are doing bug bombing for a few days or something. She's a total sweetie, seems like she genuinely cares. I'll give her one of my cards later tonight and tell her about Epic Fail if she wants to read about my sad. She seems the type to be more interested in my poetry at my older site though, hehe.

It's just after 9:45, having some breakfast nom. I'm super hungry lately for some reason, last night and today so far. I had a really tough time getting to sleep for some reason. It was eerily quiet last night, no sirens or animal noises at all. I fell asleep after midnight then woke up early before my alarm at around 6:20. I moved over to campus then fell back asleep until 8:30.

I did the more critical of the things I've been putting off - my contract for the debt consolidation people. They better not screw up and withdraw a payment. I'll try and do my class project later, not much choice on that one, as it's due Saturday morning.

Guess that's it so far today. The day has just begun, maybe it will surprise me with something nice later.

Time passes

12:45, lunch time. Um... I don't even know why I started writing/talking, hehe. Nothing new to say.

It's kind of gray and weird outside - sprinkled a bit super early this morning. It's like the rain isn't totally going away.

Not sure what else to say, but it feels like I'm forgetting something. Like there is something I need to do, somewhere I need to go, someone I need to meet... something yet to happen. I have no clue what it could be. I've no interviews set up, no class tonight, no work tonight. It's strange. I keep looking around like I'm expecting... something.

Day 241 - 2/27 - I have a sad there now

Bit of a late lunch at 1:15. I'll have to nom quick to scoot to go be with the kids. Last day with them, so that's sad. I'd love to stay, but without pay I can't continue to burn gas (and tires) to get there every day.

Never figured out what the weird feeling was yesterday. Christine wasn't there either. I still feel it a bit today.

The downstairs media lab that I basically never go to has nearly totally converted to the new dual boot Macs now. (I was forced to go today as the Internet lab shut down early.) They were an alternate place with unlocked systems, but the new systems are locked. The little room I normally use still has its three systems, so I'm safe so far, but the days of access to my web updates could rapidly be closing. The good news is that with the 14 total mini work hours per week, if things hold as-is, I should be able to get a netbook around very late March or early April. (More towards late March if Dad sends some bunny day monies.) So, if I do suddenly hit a blackout period it shouldn't last long.

No other news or interesting stuff to say at the moment, guess I'll go for now. Maybe I'll have more later tonight.

Time passes

At mini work now. It's about 6:40. Today was my last day with the kids. Some of them were sad, I was sad, the teacher was sad. I gave her my resume, as she was talking about how she's been trying to get aids for her classes but they didn't have the funding this year. Also, she said she would recommend me to be a sub for her class when I pass the CBEST. I have a sad there now. I'll miss the kids. It feels like I made a step backwards by leaving them. Not quite as sad as when I had to leave my home, but somewhere between there and having to leave my game. The teacher told me a few of the students that I helped told her that they thought I was a huge help, so I made a difference. They were being pretty silly when I took the pictures. I took three, just to be safe what with it being a cheap disposable camera, so I'm sure at least one will come out ok. I'll have to print that out when I can so I have a something to cover my sad. That will be one of the dangers of teaching should I make it; I will become attached to the kids and care about them and their futures and every year I'll have to let go. Hopefully I'll be in a position to help as much as I can teach. It seems like their teacher was a bit overwhelmed and didn't have as much time as would be ideal to help the kids so much as teach them. (Being that teaching is just relaying info, while helping is doing extra things so you are sure they understand it.)

Guess that's it for now, just sharing my sad. But, in a way, it's a happy sad.

Day 242 - 2/28 - I can has netbook?

Laundry time now. I was hoping to see Psych and Monk but it looks like their repeated time slot got changed. They aren't on this week or last.

Um... not really sure what else to say. I've had some immense pain in my jaw and behind/around my eyes lately. I'm having to keep myself overdosed on pain killers all the time.

The extra mini work schedule got set. There is indeed enough hours that, if nothing goes wrong, I will get enough to get an Asus 1000HE netbook within the space of March. There will be a slight bit of lag due to the time cards and pay days, so I may not actually have the monies in hand until early April. I really thought and thought about waiting to get a gaming type one, but you know, I've been ok with things so far, I think I'll be ok with a non-gaming one. Due to the fact that the gaming one costs double, and I don't need a gaming one after I'm re-established in a home, I've decided to go with a non-gaming type. Plus, it's like I can get the non-gaming one and an Nvidia GTX 285 or just the gaming netbook for the amount I'd be looking at paying. The GTX 285 would be a huge boost towards getting me current with desktop gaming power, so that makes far more sense. Of course the "real plan" is to get the netbook then take care of critical needs ASAP. PC upgrades will come much later. (But by getting the cheaper non-gaming netbook I can be a bit happier knowing my real gaming system has money 'reserved' for upgrades, all-be-it indirectly.) Besides, the non-gaming one can still game. It can run Diablo 2 without issue, or things like Puzzle Quest: Galactrix, and there are YouTube videos showing it gets about 20 FPS in World of Warcraft. Speaking of which, the fact that school blocks online gaming and not knowing how great of a signal I'll get out and about was also a big part of the decision. Back in the day I did see someone here at the laundry who said the free city web was ok sometimes, so it's possible I might not be able to game while homeless with even the most powerful of laptops. (Of course the wireless broadband would fix that issue, but there is no way I'd want to be put in a 2 year contract.)

Gods it will be nice to finally be able to update my site, post on boards, look for jobs, do school work, or even do casual gaming any time and anywhere I want, with my own settings and preferences always set. It will be so happy to not worry if the school systems are busy or if school is even open that day.

But, I have to wait. It seems my life revolves around nothing but waiting these days.

Day 243 - 3/1 - Contemplating wireless options

Yet another Sunday. Yet another weekend and week lost. It was nice and warm last night. In the evening it was actually a touch warmer than the late morning. It was almost shorts wearing weather for me. I was hoping it would be even warmer today, as I had one less blanket layer on last night, but no such luck. Although it's only a sprinkle, it's been raining since early this morning.

Good news on connecting; I talked with a guy about broadband for laptops and it seems if I had my own modem thingy I wouldn't need a two year contract. I could go month to month. Those can likely be found on places like eBay. But the really good news, which seems odd to me, is that he said that WiFi would be just about as fast and that the only real difference is coverage area. (Which shouldn't be an issue around here.) That seemed surprising to me, as I'd always heard wireless was poo for online gaming. So I guess it seems, provided whatever netbook I wind up getting can run said games, that I shouldn't need to get broadband in order to play. When I go to the library in about an hour I'll try to remember to ask if they block games, if not then that is an option for connection spots if the free city web isn't good enough. I could also check at Starbucks, as they let you use their connection when you are there. There is one right next to Panda Express across the street from school. Anyways, I have a few wireless connection options to consider in 4-6 weeks when I have monies for my netbook.

I guess that's it. Being a rainy Sunday I don't expect I'll have much to say.

Time passes

I said I wasn't going to obsess and I did for about 2/3 of my public library time, hehe. I watched a lot of gaming videos which were done on the older Asus 1000 types, seems there are only a few with the HE type because it's still pretty new. The slow public library has the same 2 hour limit even if you are using a laptop, so that's pretty lame. The person didn't know if they blocked sites/games or not. I'm pretty sure I'll focus my plans on a non-gaming one (the Asus 1000HE is the most likely candidate so far). I obviously can still game on it a bit, but the connection is still a big question mark. So, a more powerful gaming netbook or full laptop might be a moot point. (Besides, should my extra mini work hours continue, I could go to the game center once a week or so if my netbook couldn't play WoW at all.) Really I want it for updating my site and doing board help. I don't know if I've mentioned this but I tend to update my site I'd say once a week on average. In the past two weeks I've updated it at least five times just counting the PC and system page updates. I guess the netbooks use the same 2.5" drives as normal laptops. Once I win my big lottery monies I'll have to change out the hard drive to a super fast solid state or VelociRaptor for teh lolz.

I guess that's really all that's new. It's 3 now and all that's left for my day is sitting in my car for about 7 hours doing absolutely nothing.

Time passes

It's time to give out the dummy head of the month award! *fanfair* It's been pouring rain all day, about 10 hours of rain so far. There are puddles everywhere. It's pretty cold out, fairly windy, and what do I see? A guy wearing sandals like he's at the beach. You, Sir, are now the winner of the dummy head of the month award, and we aren't even through the first day of the month. That, boys and girls, is how you ask the gods to make you horribly sick.

Killed some time playing demos at GameStop - sadly they don't have Street Fighter 4 running. Well, at least somewhat soon I'll have my netbook and access to the web and online casual games until I can get Diablo 2, Puzzle Quest: Galactrix, and WoW installed. WoW should be pretty easy. If I can't get to my system to install it I should be able to ask my friend/ex-roomie to hook it up to her system and copy it over. Loading it directly would be the best way, but an external DVD drive is like $50. The system itself (currently $400), an upgrade to 2 gig ($25), and a cool sticker ($15) have the highest priority. I'd love a small laptop mouse too, but I'd rather spend the $25 on a game first and just risk lugging around my Logitech G9 from my desktop. Some kind of protective case would be awesome as well, but the ones listed have mixed reviews.

Anyways... sharing a lol and obsessing a bit more, heh. So exciting to finally have at least a little more monies to begin to move forward again, if even only in small steps.

Day 244 - 3/2 - Aquatics mini work

At the new aquatics mini work now. It's pouring rain. Why anyone would want to swim in the rain is beyond me. Of course, this is a "lap pool", so all the people are doing is going back and forth over and over, which doesn't seem all that interesting to me either. There are actually three of us on shift here. I'm in front being a ticket guy and the other two are in a little shack outside being life guardy, which effectively consists of them just hanging out for hours on end, heh. So... outside of rarely doing a clicky to count people and punch visit cards, it's pretty much the same thing as my other job. (Of course the visitors are different.) I guess I'm basically just a ticket booth guy with far less visitors. They have a micro and stuff, so I can do lunch too if I want (instead of losing time at school, which I'll not be getting back to until 1:45 or later.) They have a mini TV here too, hehe. If I recall nothing good is on until the evening. And, I suppose, the signal will poof in a few months anyways what with the change to digital, so I suppose it doesn't matter.

Um... that's it so far. Sad to not be around the college peeps even if they don't interact with me. I totally need a job at a school.

Time passes

It's right about 9 and my day is over. It's been a pretty weird feeling day - one of those days you feel more like you are watching a movie of yourself than actually living your life. The new aquatics mini work was ok. I punched the cards and said hi to about 60 people in the space of the 3 hours of my shift. As far as jobs go it was ok, kind of 'fun' in the same way my other mini work is I suppose. Of course both will be much more fun when I have my netbook and/or I'm in the mood to do school work when I can. With class today I couldn't do much on campus as I only had a few hours after mini work 'till class, then just a few minutes before the library closed after class. I'll probably come on campus right when it opens tomorrow to compensate for my reduced time.

Today felt like I was living my life for someone else; not in my usual way, but in the way that I was forced to do things I didn't enjoy or choose in order to meet expectations of someone else. I haven't felt like that since about 15 years ago when I was at a job I hated and in a marriage that was in the early stages of crumbling. While it's true that I would spend the majority of my day helping others on boards if I could choose to do anything I wanted, that's very different from doing stuff you feel you are forced to do in order to just barely break even. I suppose it really lies in the layers behind my motivation. When helping others on boards I'm choosing to do it because I like to share and I like to help and people seem happy with my suggestions and advice. With work, well, I'm just a body doing a job almost anyone can do. With class, well, lots are in my class and even with getting an amazing grade there is no guarantee it will be a step forward to my desired career or job. I guess I'm just feeling 'ho hum' today - feeling underappreciated and like my true skills and experiences are being wasted and feeling like I may never achieve my very simple and basic goal of finding a job I'm genuinely happy at which pays me 'enough' to have the basics in life, with just a little bit extra to have fun and actually live.

That and I've been feeling very sad about being alone and single lately. Even though I know a big part of my being single (and alone) has to do with having no social circles, I really have to wonder. It's been right around 10 years since my divorce and starting school. Why haven't I found any new friends that are there when the semester ends? Why haven't I found a sweetie or even someone to date regularly? I see everyone around me who breaks up or loses a job and 6 months later, or less, they have a something new. Why don't I? Why have I been the only one to not? It seems like it's always been this way and noone knows why when they examine my circumstances. I suppose it's the will of the gods, but I can't think of any other reason for it to happen save for me to remind the world that we anomalies, we outliers, we unique cases, do exist. I accept that the path I am on isn't 'normal' and may never be. I accept what I've missed in my life so far, I certainly can't go back. But, must it continue? Will I never have those things everyone else seems to have?

Day 245 - 3/3 - The sad that is my life

Feeling sad and tired today. It's around 12:15, lunch time. It's been super rainy and fairly cold today. So far this morning I got caught up on Epic Fail and did some site updates. I watched some shows too. After lunch I'll likely watch more shows and check boards again. Maybe my mood will lift and I'll work on school stuff.

Today is one of those days I'm sad about my life. Too much of it is still out of my hands and all I can do is try to change what I can and just keep waiting for those changes to happen.

Not sure what else to say. I is a saaad bunny today with no hop and flopped ears.

Time passes

It's nearing 5 and I'm risking having a small snack. I'm totally starving. I say risking because the ghost usually shows up at 5. No word from him today at all yet, which is odd.

One of the student librarians asked if she could join me during lunch. It was totally packed and there weren't any places to sit. I guess I seemed the least scary since she sees me all the time. We chatted a bit about classes and work, then a friend of hers stopped by and they were talking about WoW, so then we were talking about WoW. So I was like 'zomg I'm talking about WoW stuffs and being like a normal person'. It was a nice surprise. She didn't stay long, as she doesn't get a lot of time for lunch, and she needed to check some stuff for picking up her boyfriend at the airport later.

There is a Native American display / shop set up here in the cafeteria. One of the shop keeps is playing a flute. It's nice. If I could pick my ethnicity, like reroll myself (hehe), I'd most likely go with American Indian. Of all the cultures I've learnt about, be it curious looking around or because of a class, they always seemed the most interesting and the one I liked the most of the various cultures. I think it's mostly due to agreeing with a lot of their philosophy, beliefs, and metaphysics; what little I know of it anyways. That or Greek / Roman. But all of my Greco-Roman knowledge is from a long time ago; I don't know what their modern life is like.

That's really it. Waiting on ghost to see if we are gonna do dinner nom. Guess I'll be... um... more ready, heh.

Time passes

Still totally pouring rain outside. It's nearing 7:30 and I'm having dinner nom. The ghost never called or emailed, kind of odd.

I saw the very gorgeous Christine on my way out to the cafeteria for dinner nom. Haven't seen her since that day last week, guess she doesn't work much. She asked how I was and was curious that I was going out. I told her I was going to eat and gave her my card and said she could read my sad story but that she would more likely be interested in my poetry and stuff. She said, "I liiike poetry ." And I said, "I thought you might. "

So that's my night I think. Nom nom noming dinner now. I have half an hour left before I can't post, so I'll likely wait to post this week in the morning. I guess we'll see.

'Night peeps. K thx bye.

Day 246 - 3/4 - PC visit

About 12:45, lunch nom. It's totally crazy in here today - it is only lightly sprinkling off and on, but people are still avoiding being outside.

Let's see... to rewind a bit to yesterday the ghost did actually show up. I guess I left my phone on for too long and it wasn't talking to the network anymore even though it was showing that it was. It did that before too. Normally I shut it off during class and that is enough to refresh it, but I guess I haven't done that in a while. So, he was on campus a little late, but close to the usual time. He tried calling me like a bunch of times, and looked around for me. Oddly I was apparently in the same areas looking for him, but we somehow managed to not see one another. At around 8:30 he found me in the library. Since I'd already eaten he took me to the store and bought me some foods.

Rewinding back to lunch yesterday I got a bit of library insider info that I have to try and remember - next semester the library likely won't be open at all on Saturdays and the little room I update from won't be open as much. So, it seems very good timing with my aquatics mini work hours as I should be able to get my netbook during the break between semesters. After that point I won't have to worry about open library hours anymore.

I have a project I need to do for a class that I need my system for, so I asked the friend/ex-roomie if there would be a good time to do that. Seems the ex-roomies are out visiting family already, so I'm free to do that today and tomorrow any time. I figure I'll ponder the basics of the project here in the library for a bit and then go do that. I've also saved up some fun stuff I want to print and need to run my monthly backup, so I can do those too. I figure I'll probably be there from like 2 'till the late afternoon, come back to campus for a bit more Internet time and dinner, then go spend a few hours with my system before bed - maybe do a little game playing for teh lolz. I figure I'll leave it up until tomorrow and pack it up in the evening. That way if I have any changes or forgot something I'll have a few hours today and tomorrow to access things at school to fix it before my system is back in the box. There is also one more program I could use that I can move to my USB while I'm there, after that all of my important programs will be on my USB and I can easily move them to my netbook when I get it. Unfortunately WoW is too big to fit on my USB, so that will need a direct installation or access to my system so I can move it over via Ethernet or move it over in small pieces via the USB. We are still about a month before I need to worry about that though. Who knows what my life will be like then.

Saw another two new netbook users today, and someone I tried to help in the library last night who I see in the Internet lab a lot smiled and like waved to me today, so that's different.

Um... guess that's it really. I should scoot do my project. I'm just kind of hesitating because, well, I've gotten used to the chaos at lunch. Yes, it's loud, it hurts my ears, I really don't interact with anyone, but in a way I suppose it reminds me that I am alive, I am not alone, and that there is hope for moving forward in a happy direction in the future.

Well, off I go.

Time passes

What a strange day it's been. It's dinner time now, at the old school in a home time of just past 8. I left campus at about 3 to go do the PC stuff. By 5 it was all set up and I was running backups and such. It likely took about 1 hour to set up, but I kept forgetting to check. By 6 I'd pulled the final program I need onto my USB and updated the rabb1t menu. (The changes are subtle, just moved some buttons and altered a bit of text.) I decided to have a bit of fun and play the Puzzle Quest: Galactrix demo. Too much fun, and I burnt an hour playing.

I decided to grab a TV dinner to celebrate the new menu (I love how it looks now ) and got back on campus around 7:15. I tested out Flash to see if it works, and dang it, it doesn't. For some reason it won't run off the USB drive. Well, I've got it on there and can move it to my netbook when I get one. Hopefully it will run fine there. If not it's probably ok. I've only used it twice now during the homeless time, so I don't really need it like I do my other programs (which do run off the USB just fine.) But, it is yet another thing I'm blocked from and need my own system for.

It was super super cold in the garage by 5. I wouldn't be able to stay in there during these cold times. As cold as my car is, it warms up ok when I'm in there. The garage, however, would probably be way too cold these days during the night and mornings.

I didn't get a chance to do my school stuff. My fun stuff took up the hours I had today. I'll stop by again in a bit, but it will likely be too cold to want to stay. I'll do mini aquatics work in the morning, then stop by school for an hour to check email and such, then head on over to do the school project stuff I didn't do today. I should have plenty of time to finish tomorrow. I don't think it will be more than an hour.

A strange day in all. In some ways much like my old life, in others still very strange and surreal.

Day 247 - 3/5 - Putting it away, again

At the new aquatics mini work at around 10:45 now. It's pretty good. Just like the other work where I watch basketballers, here I watch swimmers. That and punch cards, heh. There are court TV shows on during my shift. You know, those 'I'm dumb, you are dumb, let's go to court and argue over who is dumber'.

Today has been a wacky day so far. I woke up a bit early at around 6:30 and scooted over to school, then fell back asleep until around 8:45. I got up and hurried in to the little computer room - woot, no line. I hopped on to a system to grab the patch files at FilePlanet that I need to get my system current with WoW. I also just went ahead and grabbed all teh others they had in case I have to do a full reinstall. They have a 'mega patch' that gets you up to the current version, but I have no DVD media to burn that onto at the moment. I'm trying to avoid getting an external DVD burner if I don't have to. Fifty bucks is fifty bucks, ya know? It would have high resale value once I'm done with it, but still. My critical programs run off my USB, so I can just pull those over. That and WoW are all I need on a netbook.

I don't know if I will actually be able to do the school project like I envisioned. More than half of the pictures I want to use are on the current camera, which has 1/3 of the pictures left still. And now my ink is mostly running out, something I totally forgot to check, so that's like $20 to get a refill. I'll likely wind up just doing the basics of teh project with the ink I have. It's so sad I can't do projects how I want because my stuff is all in storage.

Not sure what to expect with the rest of my day. I'll go ex-home and update WoW, input some Fail - I spent about 1.5 hours with that last night - and then put away the system and go back to campus. Only one show is new, or should be, so there isn't much to watch.

It was such a total pleasure being on my system. Not just because it's way more uber than the school systems, but because I have way higher resolution. I could load my stuff at the defaults I use at home and see everything; no scrolling around or having the screen blocked. It's like the difference between watching a TV like the 5" one here at mini work versus an IMAX movie. I so miss the freedom and speed that my system has. I'll miss that with my netbook. I made half a dozen desktop pictures from my WoW screenshots at netbook resolution last night, hehe. With my netbook though I'd be able to close windows and do other settings things which would be remembered each time to help compensate for the lower resolution.

Well, guess I'm just rambling about my crazy life. Maybe I'll have something more real / interesting to say around dinner after I'm back on campus.

Time passes

Done with my at ex-home computer time. Everything is back to the not-normal that is my life these days. The friend/ex-roomie actually came back within minutes of my getting there today. She came in to the garage for a couple of seconds and said, 'Hi. I'm back, but the boyfriend won't be back today. He'll be back bla bla'. I was kind of expecting a follow-up to that of an invitation to hang out, have dinner, maybe watch a something, but no such invite came before I left. It's 4:15, snack time now. I expect she's exhausted from her trip and all. There was a super crazy murder-suicide that their family was involved in (indirectly) so that's all kinds of crazy. Although, she really hasn't replied to many of my emails or said much at all since Xmas. We were supposed to see the finally of Survivor together, but I never got an invite over for that. And at this point that was so long ago the new season has started.

It seems the will of the gods that I not do the project as I hoped, it seems the program I wanted to use didn't want to do what I asked. I think my version is too old, so I have to try and do it here on campus, which means color print outs will be ridiculously expensive. Hum... maybe I can do it as a .pdf and see if I can borrow a system to hook it up to the projector. I could totally do that on a netbook (after I installed Word '07), so in future semesters I could consider that.

I couldn't get WoW all the way current either. I think there is a micro patch that wasn't downloadable from FilePlanet that I'm missing. It's probably fine. I'll probably wind up needing to get an external DVD drive anyways.

Um... guess that's it. Just a bit sad about my life today. Thanks for listening to my sad. *hug*

Time passes

Zomg, dinner for teh free. It's 8, got sucked into some shows there for a while. I came to the cafeteria to try a noodle thing the ghost got me, but I found abandoned chicken nuggets and some curly fries. Not a small amount either, about 60% of the full box (a $7 meal). There are nine nuggets and about a small side order of fries worth left. Ice cold foods, but it means the original owner is long gone.

Lots of posting on boards today. Got about five people I'm directly helping. Many happy thanks for helping appreciation for teh rabb1t today.

I put out a job application, so that's good, and there is the possibility I'll do a focus group thing for $100. That would be super helpful in accelerating my netbook plans.

I got a ticket for Watchmen as well. What with work Friday and school Saturday I got the ticket for Sunday at 6. So, that is something awesome to look forward to.

I guess that's it really. About 45 minutes until my access time is up, so that's probably it for tonight. 'Night peeps.

Day 248 - 3/6 - Chatting

Hi peeps. Did a lot at the school in my before work time. It's 10:45 and I'm at the mini aquatics work. I jumped on a system at around 8:15 and updated my site a bit and got Epic Fail current. I checked with the people I'm helping on boards and scooted here.

Last night when the library closed I saw the girl I helped that I see in the Internet lab all the time these days. (The one I mentioned the other night that waved when she saw me after I helped her.) I chatted with her on the way to the garage for a bit. Seems she has a bachelors (I think she said Bachelors) in a type of Fine Arts degree and is working towards a Bachelors in Psychology, so I gave her my card and said if she needed help or whatever to let me know.

OCZ has a netbook on the way. It's interesting in that they will let people pick memory (up to 2 gig, same max as others) and pick hard drives that go up to a much bigger and faster size than other netbooks. Reviewers say it's got one of the best keyboards. However, it uses the same CPU, which will be technologically behind when it launches in a few months, as well as a low capacity battery. (It's an even lower capacity than the current average for netbooks.) It seems really odd to choose an old CPU, weaker battery, and lesser quality WiFi tech. They are basically going to be behind everyone else on the market. Well, if news on pricing and availability come out before my purchase I'll have more options. Seems crazy though that they would launch a technologically inferior product outside of customizable hard drives, which I really don't see as a big deal for netbooks.

That's really it so far. It's still pretty early morning, so lots of day left for interesting things to happen.

Day 249 - 3/7 - Future John doesn't live here. You do.

Late lunch / early dinner time. No money to eat out this weekend, so I got two kinds of lunch meat. I really wanted a sandwich, but I can't really afford bread. I have to be super careful with money until I get paid. I have crackers, so it's mostly ok. I would have had more (money) but I tried an experiment of seeing if the popety noise and kerclink-kerclink noise would stop with a full tank of gas. It seems to reduce the chance they happen by quite a bit but hasn't stopped it completely. They always show up sooner or later. If not every day, then every other.

Um... I felt like I had lots to say earlier, but now I either can't remember or I actually didn't have much to say.

I checked the school calendar. Sadly the school is closed for about a week during the last bit of the month / early bit of April - right when I should be able to get my netbook. So, probably good timing there. So far I only have $10 in savings, heh. And I have to pay ~$50 for next semester and a few bills before I can put more in, so at the moment that ~$400 feels like a very long ways off.

There was a sign in the store that said bunny day isn't until mid April? I could swear it was early April, and in the past few years I remember it being late March, so I may not be able to get my netbook as quickly as I'd thought. (Since I was adding in money from dad to compensate for aquatics mini work's pay check lag time.) I guess we'll see. I also thought I could sell my iPod to the nice Michael person at the game center to get some money too, if he still works there. I'm guessing he left and that's the shift they were hiring for. Anyways, we'll see how netbook monies play out as they play out.

No sign of rain clouds today. It's actually slightly warm. A touch windy, so it will probably get cold very soon, as it's 5 now and nearing sundown.

My life seems to be making so many backwards steps. When you are young you think about the future all the time; times when you can buy all the games you want, all the movies you want, stay up as late as you want, what you want to be when you grow up, who you want to marry, etc. But now, and lately more and more often since my divorce, I've had to think less and less of the future. The window between "now" and my "plans" and wishes has become smaller and less frequently thought about. I think less and less about where I might want to go for lunch or dinner and think things like 'can I afford to eat something other than what I have.' I think not about what I want to play or see on the weekend, but about what I'll do to kill the hours upon hours that I have no access to the Internet and no money to go anywhere. I think less about the type of sweetie I may find, her physical build or personality, and wonder if I'll find one at all. Once upon a time I knew who future me was. Now I don't know if there is a future me at all, or if I still have my sanity at all, or if I even still exist.

Time passes

I decided to go to Golfland to do something different. Outside of the other night I don't think I've been here since summer. When I first arrived about 1/2 hour ago the place was empty. Since then three shuttle busses from Stanford have driven up and dropped off kids in their late teens to early 20s - all happy and laughing and smiling. How fun it must be to be going to college when you should be. I never got the chance to go when I should have, and even if I could have I wouldn't have had the chance to go somewhere that was away from home. I'd love to join them, to have young college friends. I've talked about it a lot, yet I don't really belong with them. I suppose many would say, "Act your age." And the truth is that I am old enough to be any of those kids parent, yet that isn't a world I'm a part of either. I never had the opportunity to do the things normal kids did after my mom died. As such I'm even less prepared to do "adult" things. I never got a chance to build that critical foundation that carries you through life.

Without someone welcoming me with open arms and supporting me while I enter one of those worlds I don't see how I could possibly truly belong to either on my own. I'm not young enough to be welcomed into the younger world emotionally, and I'm not experienced enough to be welcomed into the older world financially. Without someone welcoming me, loving me, and supporting my transition, I don't see how I will ever truly belong. I may eventually make it ok financially on my own, and eventually restore enough of my life to be whole again emotionally. But without others, without love, without friends, I don't see how I can ever truly belong in any world.

All I've ever known is the fringe - being an outsider. Can I ever truly belong and be welcomed and loved? Or will I always be the outsider - alone and outcast. Or is it that the gods have a higher purpose and that as an outsider I can observe things unseen by those on the inside? And if so does knowing that I can help and that my life is sacrificing for the good of the others who I can't be among enough?

Day 250 - 3/8 - Only our enemies leave us roses

Lunch time nom at around 2:20. Roughly 2 hours and 45 minutes until I go to the movie. I normally don't get to a movie until about 1/2 hour before it starts, but it's opening weekend and I'd just be sitting around doing nothing regardless of where I was.

Last night I was feeling pretty homeless for the first time since the church had that sleep over in the summer. Some people were in one of the sub level rooms and blocked my safely going into the sleeping spot. Like four times I checked and they kept not leaving, meaning my spot was at risk. At around 2 AM I finally gave up waiting for them to leave and parked where 'the 9' park. I napped for a bit and woke up again at around 5:30. But what do ya know, time change, it was really 6:30. I decided to move over to school where I could sleep safely as long as I liked. The people were still there when I left. They did some kind of crazy all nighter. I didn't wake up until nearly 11 (new time). I took a long uninterrupted shower. I did my time at the slow public library and so here we are now.

Being a Sunday the boards were effectively dead. I did some window shopping for a netbook mouse and deleted the gaming netbook from my wish list since I've decided to pass on that model. For the games I'd play on a netbook the graphic card power apparently wouldn't make much of a difference due to the CPU/motherboard limitations. The non-gaming one should be just fine.

It's a super beautiful day; sunny and warm, but a bit breezy so it's cooled a bit. I only have two shirt layers and it's actually almost warm enough for shorts. Seeing girls in shorts next week wouldn't surprise me at all.

Woah! I got some cookies with chocolate the other day and now they are melting from the warmth! Hopefully they won't be icky and all stuck together later. I guess it's a good thing that I didn't get the chocolate doughnuts or chocolate covered marshmallow bunnies (what I've really wanted lately with bunny day coming.)

Looking forward to Watchmen tonight. Looking forward to having my netbook, though thinking about critical bills it may be closer to early April before I can afford it. Just some single player games and solo questing and crafting in WoW and I'd be a super happy hoppy bunny.

Guess that's about it for now. Just over 2 hours 'till the movie. Happy Sunday peeps.

Time passes

I loved the Watchmen movie. I think though that even today, so many years after the graphic novel was written, that the social and political messages will still be lost on the majority of the population.

Well, it's 10 now, just finishing off the last of the lunchmeat as sort of a late dinner.

I did sort of a clever thing with the remainder of the rubber/foam stuff I found. (That stuff I made the car liner with to plug up the hole in the car where I sleep.) I rolled it into a half circle and put it over my trunk area. Now, at quick glance into my back, all people see is a black mass instead of seeing right into the 'trunk' behind the seat. I've moved a lot of the foods I have in the back seat to under there. Previously I'd just had a few soups back in that area. It's freed up some space in back and I feel just a little less homeless.

Well, off to "bed" I guess. Hopefully I can pull in and go right to sleep. I have to do an observation at 9:30 that I need to turn in during my Monday class. I have to make notes for a test too. Hopefully I won't forget to do that. I was going to check out the book to do it Friday, but forgot.

Well, 'night peeps.

Day 251 - 3/9 - A lame start

Today is off to a lame start. I had a tough time getting to sleep, so I'm all kinds of tired. I slept after I got on campus right up until I needed to go to my observation. Upon getting there I discovered they didn't have a badge ready for me. Upon inspection it seems that back on last Thursday when I signed up I did so for the previous Monday. They have an appointment sign up book where it is a week behind? They have to go through each day and make name tags for people and didn't remove the day's appointments for a week?! So I went through all six binders and, sure enough, they were all a week behind. I explain to the desk person they need to be sure they are current so that doesn't happen again. One person says 'oh we can let you go in, it's ok'. So we scramble to make a badge and faux sign up, off I go to the room, and the kids are outside. What the poop? I told the person they must be indoors. It's an indoor observation. So I go back to the desk and now it's 10 'till 10. I need to leave for work and no longer have time to observe today. Yet another assignment that will be "late" for that class. (They were all supposed to be turned in tonight, but now I'm missing three. ) I hate this being homeless poo scattering my focus and ability to do my projects when I want.

Well, guess I'll nom some breakfast for five minutes then go off to mini aquatics work.

Time passes

Having a snack in the cafeteria. I need to do my 3x5s for my test, so this is just a quick note at just after 3.

Tummy has been feeling really sick lately. Not sure what, if anything, I'll have for dinner. I may drain a bit of savings to get a hamburger or something. Nothing I have with me would play well with my tummy today.

It's kind of funny - one of the lifeguards and I were talking about cuties and he said that they (the two lifeguards outside) are jealous of me because I get to see them (the cuties) dressed and I said I'm jealous of them (the lifeguards) because they get to see them in swimsuits. lol. So that was pretty funny. I guess upon reflection I would rather see cuties dressed than in a swimsuit with goggles and their hair all under a cap. Dressed regular you get a better sense of their personality and style. Probably a moot point what with only one or two cuties in a full 3 hour shift.

K. Better go study. K thx bye.

Time passes

It's 9 now. My day is over. It was one of those days you hurry from one thing to the next and you have seemingly just enough time to complete the most minimal aspect of each thing and not any extra.

Good news on the class projects I owe for the Monday class; they aren't actually due for two more weeks. Well, just short of two weeks since Monday is now over. So, that's a big relief. I think I said already, but normally I'm the kind of guy to have something ready a week or two before the deadline to be super sure it's ready. My mood and stability fizzled pretty bad in the last half of this semester. It's been super tough to manage what with how my life has been lately. Still... it could be worse and I continue to adapt a teeny bit each day.

I saw Christine super briefly before the library closed. At first the girl I think is her sweetie was with her and she was helping to push in chairs. hehe. Later she stopped near me for a second (she was alone) and put her hand on my shoulder and said hi and asked how I was. I said "super sleepy" and made sleepy eyes and she tee hee-d as she scooted off for more chair pushing in.

Guess that's really it. Hopefully my tummy will feel more stable tomorrow. Hopefully the day will move at a slower pace and I can get some projects done and maybe watch some shows. Maybe even something unexplained will surprise me. Let life surprise you, have no expectations. It's better that way.

Day 252 - 3/10 - Another homeless day; Another homeless week.

Early lunch time at 11:45. I got on to campus early since I couldn't sleep after I moved from the sleeping spot. I got Epic Fail current, checked for jobs, and checked my (fun) boards. Nothing going on today. So far it's a sleepy and chilly day. I finished off camera series 7 last night so I could get that developed. Half of the pictures from my time with the kids are on there, so that will be good to get before I turn in my project. Hum. I wonder how much a low cost digital camera would be. After I get my netbook I could consider getting one. Then again, I only need it while I'm homeless really.

Guess that's really all to say so far. Not a super interesting or eventful day so far. Just another homeless day at the end of another homeless week.

Time passes

Met up with the ghost for dinner nom. I was so hungry before and now I'm so full. It's still pretty early at 5, but I doubt anything interesting will happen. We talked a bit about getting re-established, but since I don't have enough income to pay rent and stuff there isn't too much point in figuring out what it would cost to move in somewhere. Talked for a bit about my total mini work hours and my "plans" (get netbook, then get contacts or tires, etc.) On the way to his class we talked a bit about WoW. He started a new character to play on a server some of his work friends are on, so we loled at his lowbie character. Seems he has all online classes next semester, so I'll likely only see him like once a month. But, meh, next semester is still like a month away, so what happens then won't happen for a while yet.

Waiting to use a system in the little computer room now while I write this. I could just be entering it and done already with a netbook. Well, about a month and I can do that hopefully, so soon enough. Plus, I can has games then again. Yea for games!

Guess that's it for tonight / this week. K thx bye.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008, 2009
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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