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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Day 211 - 1/28 - Fate's path... it continues

Lunch time, nothing much to say. I have a cheap soup, a few crackers (like 10), and a soda. It's just past noon. Took a full shower and did a full shave this morning. No job emails, calls, or news. No cutie news. No class news. No gaming or hardware news. No word from the ghost from the past.

I suppose, despite the lack of life progress, it's an ok day so far. I left my sweater in the car. While I am a touch chilly I'm not overly cold. I feel... ok. The sadness that is my life is always with me, a bit more than not lately what with the mini work news. At least I have a yummy dinner to look forward to for teh free.

You know, I think I'd almost rather work here in the cafeteria than at an office job (provided they offered the same wage). It seems crazy to say since I've done office jobs so much of my "career" so far. But I don't know, there is life here, excitement, friends chatting and laughing, a newness to it all even though it is the same. I've grown accustom to being around the students, even if I am invisible to the vast majority of them. I think being nearly invisible is much better than not having anyone around. I think it must come from my desire to teach or be a counselor. Back in the day I'd have never thought I wanted to be around this many people, have the potential for this many connections.

Just crazy rabb1t brain ramblings I guess. Off I go I guess.

Time passes

Well, it seems the ghost can't help too much. He's got a sick father in-law he's tending and there are likely many medical bills involved with that. He doesn't have much leeway to offer help, so no big item things, but he said he'd buy me dinner foods Thursday and we could pick up some stuffs. Even if it is just some food help and things like laundry soap (which I ran out of last time) and maybe something like car oil that would be super helpful.

I set up an appointment for a child observation project I need to do, so hopefully I can do that tomorrow. I need a code from my professor, so it is possible I won't get said code before it's time.

Just a little snack now. It's a bit past 4. Um... I watched Fringe, and Supernatural is back on. Um... that's all that is new really. It seems finding my old friend again is likely not the end of Fate's plan for me at this time. Seems whatever quest I've been sent on will continue.

Time passes

Burrr. It's gotten cold outside. Dinner nom at around 7:30. I think this is the closest to my previous dinner time I've eaten at the cafeteria in quite a long time. For some reason I always eat earlier if I'm eating here.

I watched Burn Notice, pew pew pew, full of spy goodness. Um... that's really it. I get paid tomorrow and my friend will take me to get some food and stuff, so that should give me a fair bit to talk about after dinner. I know, I know, reading about my regular shopping and bill paying is soooo exciting. heh

It's nearing 8, so only about 1 hour of access left. Not much going on with the boards, so I suppose it's ok. Still... it would be nice to have a netbook or laptop to access whenever I want.

But still... I'm sure we all hope I get out of fail quickly enough that wouldn't be necessary and we hope tomorrow is a better day.

Day 212 - 1/29 - Go go go

Not much to say yet today, although it is nearly 12:15 and I have lunch nom. I did a child observation for a class this morning. It was fun. The younglings were runnin' around all happy and having fun. It's sad I can't get into child care without experience (at least I haven't found anywhere to take me yet). I would much rather be around younglings (say 3-6 year olds) than be around power executives. Even if the corporate job paid 3x as much or more I think I would be infinitely happier with the kids. I'm just not the kind of guy who can go, "Yes, I'll take that ton of money for a job I can do well but would be miserable at."

Um... that's it so far really. I zonked out after coming here in the morning until it was time to do the observation and then did some quick board posts afterwards. I got enough food for today on the way here, as the ghost is supposed to meet me tonight to buy foods. I doubt he'll flake, but if he does I'm fine since my micro pay went in to my account this morning.

It's warmish today. Most have their jackets off and some have shorts/skirts. My car was only a touch frosted this morning, so the warm times may indeed be coming back.

Apparently next semester's schedule is up, which is just crazy talk as we aren't even half way through this one. We've still got a month and a half to go, maybe longer. Time is passing quickly, but then time has always passed quickly for me. I can't believe it's been over 200 days now, yet being in the home is a distant memory now.

Guess that's it for now.

Time passes

I have the worst headache and feel really sick, not really sure why. There was a youngling coughing and stuff in the group I observed. I hope he didn't expose me to something. It would be pretty surprising if that were the case, as that would be a 2 hour incubation time. You know though, I have been sneezing lately and I did sleep 9-10 hours last night. Could be I already had something. Just took a couple of aspirin so hopefully that will help.

I'd go rest in the car, may do that, but I'd just have to go again later. Go go go go go. There is no stopping, no resting, no relaxing, and yet I've nowhere to go. No class for days, no work 'till tomorrow, but I have to look for work all the time. I want to help on the boards where I can.

Yeah... feel terrible. Gonna take my snack to the car and lie down for a bit.

Time passes

So let's see, short update before trying to sleep. I got back to my car feeling really sick and I tried to get some sleep. I zonked out pretty well even though there was a radio ass in the lot blaring music pretty loud the entire 1.5 hours I napped. I felt mostly better when I got up. Maybe I just got some minor food poisoning. The ghost called and said he would be late for shopping and hanging out, so I did some board posting. When he arrived we went out for dinner. We talked about the old days, the new days, and the between days. We had some lolz and tried to think of ways for me to move forward. After, we went shopping. Zomg he bought me so many things. Enough foods for like two weeks (not counting weekend foods), some laundry stuffs, some car oil, a gift card for when those run out, and a card that gets me into a movie for teh free.

It's 9:30 now, nearly time to try and go to sleep. Things are so quiet now compared to the hustle and bustle of the day which seemed to pass in the blink of an eye. I feel so alone, but I know I am not alone. I have you peeps who are sharing in my sad story, and now the ghost from my past who will watch over me now and then. I should be ok again now. Now we just go back to waiting until Fate moves me to the right job or place, or moves the right job to me. Time, the raging unstoppable river. Me, floating along until I find the right path I've been sent towards.

Night peeps.

Day 213 - 1/30 - An odd feeling

I feel ok today. It's just after noon and I'm nomming my leftover French Dip and a few fries. I can has Animal Crackers after. I was super busy working on my site this morning. I uploaded the .pdf for Epic Fail and my Death Knight tips. I got those current last night as I killed some time waiting for people at the sleeping spot to clear out. I also updated some code to the entire site, so that was a bit tedious, but hopefully it will run a bit cleaner because of it. I've got a few shows to watch after lunch and some studying I should do, though I've already read that book fairly recently, so I shouldn't need to study too much.

That's odd. Someone in here has a red trench coat. It's like *leap* "Noone expects the (modern) Spanish Inquisition!"

Um... that's it really. Oh, I did send out a resume. Still pretty much no jobs being posted to apply for.

I'm happy I have monies to do a wash this weekend. I hate being over extended on that.

Oh, I got a reply from my mini boss. Apparently this Steve guy has been there 21 years but he only works in the gym during the winter. So I guess he just comes in and dominates everyone's shift and that's ok (with the boss). The mini boss did give me a lead on another department that might need help. I'll try to remember to call about that later. Although, now I've got this thing I have to do for a class 2-3 PM Monday through Thursday during three of the four weeks in February. It's lame they set me up for those hours to do it, but I don't have much choice. Another new person with a netbook in here, heh. They are getting pretty popular. I think that makes four peeps now I've seen with them here.

Oh, the ghost said it is actually better that my front tires are less bald than the back, as they are the ones that control where I go. Still though, if any one exploded that would be bad. You would think there would be some kind of assistance for poor people for that. Maybe I should see if I can find something on that.

I guess I had more to say than I thought I did originally, but now that is all I can think of. K thx bye

Time passes

Snack time. I've got just short of 20 minutes until I leave to return the movie to the library and go to mini work. It's sad here because everyone has gone home to start their weekend, or to friends, or out, or whatever. There are maybe a dozen people total here in the cafeteria.

I spent about 1/2 hour adding more infos to my Death Knight tips page *sigh* I just updated that .pdf. Teh rabb1t brain is a never ending cycle of infos and posting teh infos.

I watched Burn Notice and Clone Wars. It looks like the new season of Hell's Kitchen is up too. I'll have to make note of that and watch it tomorrow.

I still feel pretty good, which is surprising since my sleeping spot was blocked until 11 and I couldn't sleep until midnight for some reason. I don't know why, but it feels like I'm on the verge of an actual weekend - one with fun, friends, and games. I don't see how that could happen. After paying the DMV I'm almost completely out of money. Well, at least thanks to the ghost I have enough foods and my car is warm enough for the time being, so I'm ok. I just need to wait things out until the opportunity for something better comes along.

I'm a bit sad, as I wanted to do more with my day with others. I am kind of groggy, so I have sleepy eyes, and my brain fixated on bla bla on boards. Of course, even if I had spent 100% of my day where I could have interacted with others I am 99.99% invisible to the students. Pretty much the only ones who interact with me are the librarians who recognize me (when I'm in the library) and a few from my class who recognize me. It's not like anyone hangs out with me and invites me to join their group. Kelly back in the day was it, but nothing came of that. I don't think any of her group remember me even though I've worn the glasses several times while walking past them. I have a feeling she wasn't as close with them as she appeared and she shared the glasses with other friends.

Ah well. I can only guess at the paths Fate presents to me as to which is the correct one to follow. Hopefully soon I will indeed find the right one. Until then we are just floating along...

Day 214 - 1/31 - More multistrike?

Today went kind of strange. I woke up earlier than necessary, not sure why, at around 7:20. I moved over to the spot I park at for class and rested a bit before taking a shower. The shower water was decently warm and I was alone until the swim team started coming in at the end of the shower. I went to class, but I was really spaced out the entire time. It seems I forgot an assignment was due, eep. After class I went to the library and busted it out within about an hour. Maybe it won't be late since I emailed it to her on the due day. I watched a couple of episodes of what will be the last season of Battlestar Galactica and checked the boards. Seems there are some spoilers as to the next WoW patch and Heart Strike might be going all the way to a true multistrike ability by hitting up to four targets (instead of it's now just two) The blood talent tree really could use that boost, as it is the only Death Knight talent line without an AE ability. I needed to grab some food for the weekend, so I went across the street and grabbed some lunch meat and a sausage in a bun (like a hot dog, but with sausage) which I paid for with part of my gift card. I took a short trip up to do my laundry and got to watch Psych and Monk while I was there. Now it's about 7:45 PM and I'm having a dinner of crackers and some lunch meat. Today was an odd day that passed quickly. I can't believe it's almost over. Nothing really noteworthy happened, just an average day really.

I still feel pretty good, certainly as good as I can for being homeless and alone, but now my day is slowing down and I'm feeling the usual night time sadness. People are in their homes watching TV, having dinner, getting ready to go out for dinner, going out to the movies or shopping, or other fun. Me... I sit in my car alone.

Day 215 - 2/1 - Any given Sunday

I am still feeling... odd. I feel like I'll be going back to my old home any minute now, free to play my games, study, or watch TV/movies as I see fit. Maybe even share a movie or watching a shared show with my friend/ex-roomie. I don't know why. I know I can't. The memories of getting up on the weekends after sleeping in, hopping in the shower for five minutes then playing my games are nearly all faded now. For whatever reason though, today they seem refreshed. Flashes of playing, surfing boards with a TV image set picture-in-picture on my monitor, sitting on my floor studying while watching TV and eating, shutting off my lights and settling in to watch a movie - memories all just as strong as if they happened only a few weeks ago. Maybe it's because hope has been renewed by the return of the ghost, or hope has been rekindled due to upcoming changes in my game and new hardware launches, reminding me that life goes on without me and things will be that much more fun when I can get back to them.

For now though I sit. I am clean from my shower. I will likely eat soon, as it is just after 10:30, but I'm in no rush. The public library doesn't open until noon. I'll get 2 hours of computer access then spend the rest of my day either staring at shoppers or studying in a cramped and uncomfortable space.

My computer is in boxes, my desk unassembled, my TV sold. The room has been repainted and filled with different furniture. My former life can be nothing but faded memories. Nothing can be as it was. I'm free for it to be better, yet chained in place by so many sad things. Maybe, some day, I can have the tools to break those bonds. Maybe then my life can be free of constant worry and it can go back to being at least a little bit happy.

Day 216 - 2/2 - Community service thing

Lunch time just past noon. Got a good soup to nom. Not sure what to say. Although I got on campus earlier than normal, I haven't done much. I updated Epic Fail, did some board posting, and watched one show, and that was about it so far. It's a bit colder today, though it seems like the sun is trying to warm things up. I have a kind of bad headache and I've been sneezing.

Today I start the community service thing for a class. It's a pain that it's from 2-3 for 12 days instead of like 3 or 4 hours per session like I thought it would be. It would be impossible to do if I had work, so I guess it's a good thing I don't right now. This was the only close one too. All the rest would have been like a 1/2 hour drive.

Um... not sure what else to say. Not a very interesting day so far. I'm sure I'll have something else to say though after the community service or my Monday night class. K thx bye.

Time passes

Back from my community service thing. I'm a teacher's assistant in a math class. It's a 7th grade math class, which means the kids are around 11-12 years old. I can see how it would be tough teaching a group that age. There were 24, and once they were going out of control it was really hard to get them focused again. I could see how the ones who are quiet can easily be lost among the others. I don't remember being that crazy and distracted when I was 11-12, hehe.

Almost 4. Having a snack nom before my evening class. It's gotten totally warm now. I took off my outer shirt layer and only have an undershirt and t-shirt on. If it continues to be this warm we will have shorts weather soon.

Um... guess that's it really. K thx bye again.

Op... I spy with my little eye something beginning with the letter N... yup, another netbook is in here. That's five now. K thx bye for teh realz now.

Time passes

The day is over now. Having a late dinner at 9. It was really nice and warm before class at 5, so I left my coat in the car. Of course after the sun went down it got super cold, so now I'm chilly. Inside the cafeteria here it's ok though. I've had a pretty bad headache all day. I don't know if my jaw is growing and it's growing pains (this used to happen every year when I was younger, I've got a small jaw so my teeth crash together) or if it is just that I'm clenching my jaw and scrunching my shoulders from being just a touch too cold all day.

Well, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 217 - 2/3 - Not so crazy kids

Let's see... it's around 12:45, lunch time. I did a lot of work on my site so far today. In about an hour I have to leave for the community service. I may see the ghost tonight, depends on if he has spare time before his class. I must be getting over a cold. In total I slept about 10.5 hours last night / this morning. It is warming up a bit, but not actually really warm yet.

I stopped by the ex-house the other day to look for a something in my records and while I was there I grabbed my belt. My two pair of jeans are both falling down now that I'm averaging 15 lbs lighter than before. (Now down to the 170-175 range I've wanted to be for years.) It's kind of a pain to have to do and undo it when I pee, heh. I'm so used to my pants being loose. I hate tight cloths too, can't stand them. I usually have to stretch them out if they are tight. Maybe I'll just wear the belt sometimes. If this keeps going though I'll wind up like those guys with their pants down to their butt.

What an odd world I'm in where I complain that I've lost so much weight while homeless that I have to wear a belt while the guy at a table across from me complains to his friend that his phone, which he's playing music on loud enough I can hear 6-8 feet away, has a 'kinda lame space bar' and it is 'kind of tough to use while texting'.

Sixth notebook now. Quite a few around campus. With this many around at college I wonder if anyone is selling any older models used. I don't have any monies, and new the Asus 1000HA is only $380, on sale for $350 currently I think, but you never know. It would be so roxor to have one. It would do everything I need accept for WoW, heh. It's still at the top of my 'if I suddenly got a bunch of money' list. Of course, tires and more contacts should have a higher priority, but I think those won't go super critical for a bit. Hopefully I'll be ok there. In a month or so... eek. I use the systems probably 8-10 hours when I have access. Of course, it's questionable if I'd use a system more or less if I had unlimited access. I suppose more, as I was on my system more when I wasn't homeless.

Ah well, about 1/2 hour until I need to scoot for my community service. I should maybe peek back online for any important emails.

Time passes

The kids weren't as crazy today. They were pretty settled. There was an activity they had free time with and several 'outside conversations' got going and they got a bit distracted, but that happens sometimes when people have free time. I think I'll be ok teaching a younger group like that. I don't know about full time though, woooo, that'd take a lot of energy. Well, one step at a time I guess and I'll see where Fate leads me. Right now I can only take the classes I'm taking and try and save up to take the CBEST test. I suppose that should get really high priority too. I keep forgetting though, as it only comes around every few months and I don't have money for it.

I checked for local laptops and netbooks. The older model netbooks are nearly as expensive as the new ones. What few actual laptops there are were so expensive a new netbook would be a better choice for my needs and for the price.

Ah well, money money money, I have none.

Time passes

Hooked up with the ghost for a bit. He took me out for Panda nom, I'm sooooo full. He gave me a touch of money too, so I have a little bit of leeway with things, so that's extra helpful. That's really all I can think of. There's only a little bit of the night left, but I'll go ahead and close out today so I can post this week's fail tonight.

K thx bye.

Day 218 - 2/4 - A poor substitue

Let's see... it's snack time at around 4. I decided to get my Valentine's Day stuff together for the roses today even though I have no actual chocolate roses, heh. I see some of them so rarely I didn't want to miss any before the actual day.

I just got back from the community service with the kids. They had a substitute today and woooo was he bad. He was quick to judge students by labeling them bad and sending them outside as punishment. He told one of the best students, "Don't ask stupid questions." when she was only asking for clarification on something. I think his judgments even triggered a panic attack in one of the girls. She went to the office crying. I seriously think I could have done a way better job explaining the material and getting them focused, even if I didn't have the previous three days of insight into their various personalities.

I'm mister cool guy to them. They love my silly glasses, hehe. I even got one random comment from a passer on how cool they are. A few were asking how old I was today. I made a sad face and said "old". She's like, "Are you older than 18?" And I'm all, "Whuuuutttt? " and walked away all embarrassed and smiley. They are good kids. I hope I get to set the record straight with their regular professor about the sub being bad and quick to judge them. That was not ok.

It got a bit warmer today. I've got shorts, a t-shirt, and an over shirt. I've been a touch chilly now and then during the day, but basically warm enough.

Um... guess that's it for now. Off to the library to check stuffs. Maybe I'll have more bla bla later.

Time passes

Dinner nom, just past 7:45. I had a chance to give out the first Valentine's day bundles. I gave it to a girl that I've seen in the library. It's fitting she got the first one, as I'd first seen her way back when I first started coming in like July, so she's been a rose for the longest of all of them. I gave it to her and she was all " oooh", pointing to one in particular, "this one is my favorite." hehe. On her way out (she went off shift for that area before I was done there) she officially introduced herself. Her name is Christine, but I knew that, as she wears a name tag when working. She shook my hand. She's very soft, as expected, and her perfume made my heart go thumpity thump and I was all when she asked my name. She's way too young for me and I'm pretty sure she likes girls, but the roses aren't about finding me a sweetie. It would be nice if it happened, but it's more about reminding them they are special, appreciated, and noticed.

(The card I have with the Valentine's day packets)

Happy Valentines Day

You are appreciated and attractive.

Valentines day isn't always about love,
but it is always about appreciation.

A simple reminder
of things you may know
but sometimes forget.

Day 219 - 2/5 - Out of context

Lunch time. It's actually a bit late, nearing 1:15, almost time to go over to visit the kids. It's super crowded in the cafeteria today. The weather has turned and it has been chilly and raining since mid last night. All of the outside people are inside today. It's standing room only in here.

No real news today. The boss my mini boss forwarded me to said she would look at her schedule and get back to me. Obviously she doesn't need people as bad as my mini boss thought because it took her like a week to get back to me.

Guess that's it for now. Maybe I'll have something more interesting later.

K thx bye.

Time passes

Snack time. So, I'll be seeing the kids tomorrow, heh. I sort of volunteered myself to just do solid weeks, so 15 hours total vs. just the 12 needed for class. I was concerned the kids might go a bit crazy with me not being there (Friday) since they have kind of gotten used to me now. Their teacher agreed. She said she'd give me a letter of recommendation and if I passed my CBEST she could actually recommend me on some kind of school list of possible subs for her class. So that seems like the first positive step forward Fate has put me in place to find.

I guess that is really all that is super interesting today so far. There is a new PC case someone mentioned, so I put that on my site, though it's really high priced at the moment. I also dropped a document about when I was let go a year ago. People can read that if you want. The short version is that I think I was let go for something I said in private tells to a player while on shift. That player then "leaked" part of that conversation to a fan site which published it. It basically took the conversation out of context and made me look like a bad guy. Those of you reading Epic Fail, particularly this far in have a deeper understanding of who I am and what I stand for. Basically I told the player I was sad about a game the company published in that there weren't subscriber features in that I as a player was looking forward to and that I'd made my superiors very aware of player feelings. The company apparently thought this a bad enough breach to let me go with no prior warnings. On top of that I got no severance pay and no warning because I was a contractor, so it was legal for them to instantly let me go like that. They also claim to have let me go due to not needing coverage by two people during the shift I was working. Needless to say I call BS on that. Anyways, read the story if you want, the document isn't all that happy and I just wanted to get my side out in the open for those who may have misperceived me in the past due to that event.

Anyways... don't want to talk about that here, but you can read it if you want. Just after 4 now. Guess I'll head back to the library for more shows and board checks.

Time passes

Late night snack time - well as late as my evenings tend to get these days at a few minutes past 9. Not much new to talk about. I watched some shows today, decided to have some solid food for dinner. Tummy has been... somewhat unhappy lately. I don't know if that's a food thing or still having a cold. I even put out a resume.

Coming up on another weekend where I don't get a real weekend. I wonder what the kids in class would think if they knew. They couldn't conceive of a world where a person doesn't have a home and people who care for them in their lives. Well, not these kids. There are some out there that young who are homeless.

I'm so worn out and tired today. It seems so crazy these past few days; like I should be going back to my room, or at least a hotel, setting down my stuff, resting a few minutes, getting in a nice hot shower, putting my stuff away, sleeping in a bed, then waking up and studying or playing games as I see fit. My life lately doesn't seem so much like I'm making any progress, but like the same day repeating; with minor differences and encounters, but time never progresses, it just resets at the end of the day. It seems that my way out can not be the same way I came in. But, can I find my way out without a guiding light?

From the mission log of Corporal Lance Swift,

We thought we'd finally caught a break by finding the tunnels deep in Texas. HQ thought this could be an origin point that the enemy uses. Our mission - gather intel and engage the enemy only if necessary. Now I think finding it was a curse. Supported by Ol' Bessy and General Gray, two of the tanks from the 54th which have modified 50-cals and four lightning guns we made quick work of the Hellion resistance at the mouth of the tunnel. The LGs those scientists developed shocked them just long enough for the rest of the men to make quick work of the bastards. With their armor zapped they aren't much more tough than any other human soldier. Seems they have tanks of their own though. On the third day exploring the tunnels a critter as big as our own tanks came crashing through the side of the tunnel, tearing through half a dozen of the men with its huge pincers before we knew what had happened. We turned the 50-cals on it, but it managed to take one tank with it before we downed the fiend. With half the men down we grabbed what we could and pressed on. We had to leave the LGs behind, they'd run out of charge, as well as a lot of ammo supplies. We had little choice but to press deeper since the tunnel had collapsed during the fight. Both the way we had come from and the way the critter had come from were sealed for good. We've been in the dark for two days now as far as I can gather. Needless to say even with moving the remaining tank sparingly we had to abandon it due to lack of fuel. Our supplies are running dangerously thin. Even with fewer men we've been limited in how much we could carry. The tunnels are long and deep, seemingly endless. The scouting patrols have tried to hang on to hope, but as our flashlights run out, as each tunnel runs into a dead end, our spirits dwindle a bit more each time. We can't go back the way we came. We know there's nothing for us. Each step forward seems to only get closer and closer to hell itself. We are beginning to wonder what other horrors lie ahead. I can feel it. The men wonder if we will make it out at all. When we rest in the pitch black all that we hear is the faint echo of Sergeant Grayson's harmonica. And when he tires enough to rest himself... we hear nothing at all.

Day 220 - 2/6 - Old is like new

Just after 1 now, lunch nom with a super tasty chicken and dumplings soup. I ran a board check and watched The Office, Bones, and Hell's Kitchen. I got a reply from the extra shift person asking what my availability for March is. Their shifts are all weird and only like 3 hours each. But, that might be an extra something for the time being to help out with the mini work reduction.

I tried to give out one of my Valentine's packets and I got the craziest reaction ever. In all my time giving them out, like nine years now, I've never had anyone freak out before. I knew she might be kind of odd, because she moves her head around confused and has crazy eyes, but yikes, she freaked out when I gave it to her. She was all like, "Ack! What? Who are you?!" And pushed the package away like it was a dead animal or something. I guess I should have more carefully weighed her crazy to hotness ratio as mentioned in How I Met Your Mother. The other one I gave out was normal. I gave it to her and she just kind of sleepily smiled. When she left she dropped me a note that said "Thanks for the candy".

Almost time to head over for my extra shift with the kids. I'll have about 1 hour back on campus for more board stuff or whatever before mini work after being with the kids. I need to do my studying once I get there. I've been kind of putting it off. It's hard for me to be in a studying mood. Though we get unlimited 3x5s for one of the tests, so it's not like I actually need to study for that one. It's all familiar material and with reference notes, well, unlimited notes should ensure I'll do just fine.

Um... guess that's it for now. It's still pretty rainy and wet out there. Hopefully it will warm back up again soon.

Time passes

Kinda late evening, almost 9:30 at mini work. I did some like 1 on 1 tutoring with a couple of the kids. They seemed to understand it better and totally appreciated it.

I gave a Valentine's packet to one of the girls that comes to play basketball. She was all giggly and blushing and said thanks. She totally didn't expect it.

There was a movie left here for some reason. I did what studying I could then watched the movie to kill a bit of time. It was one I'd seen forever ago, so I didn't remember too much about it. So it was so old it's like new, heh. It was nice to almost have a real movie night again. The peeps here don't need tending, so it was basically just me watching the movie for those two hours.

Oh, I think the girl that was worried about not getting in to the dance got to go. I asked their teacher if she knew because I'd seen the girl saying something to a friend about it and hurrying off. She said she called the mom and explained she thought the girl wasn't being bad, just trying to get help from another student, but it was distracting. I think it was ok though, so phew! It's so important to do those things when you are younger, especially since this was the Valentine's dance. I didn't do the dances and stuff when I was young and I really regret that now. So all you who are still young enough or who have kids, it's important. As I've been discovering lately, it's a seemingly little thing but it really is very important.

Well, not much else to say and I have to close up soon. Night peeps.

Time passes

Grrr. I just noticed some other guy is listed for next Friday instead of me, leaving me zero shifts next week. Wtf? The schedule the mini boss sent out several weeks ago was supposed to "be for the rest of the season", meaning through March. Now someone else gets my shift that week because there is a holiday on his day and the place is closed? So he gets my shift and I get nothing? This work is becoming more and more poo every week. I get stiffed a shift and the mini boss doesn't bother to tell me at all? Ridiculous.

Day 221 - 2/7 - I has a sad

It's 4, the library just closed. I'm sitting outside having a snack. I'm super hungry today with a bit of a headache.

The morning went really quick. I gave out three Valentine's Day packets to girlies and they were all ' yeeaaa for candy' hehe. I think my test went ok. It turned out to be exactly what I predicted (in terms of format).

I got super sad in the library though. There is a PC thread on this one board, you know, one of those 'post your spec' threads, and someone asked about gaming laptops. I did my usual spiel about how they are typically really expensive for what they do, in the $1500+ range, and how if you ask most people why they want a laptop you'll get answers that would be better served by a netbook. I checked youtube for World of Warcraft and the Asus 1000HA for examples and found one. The creator referenced that they were on low settings and they got about 20 FPS, but that it was playable even in group instances (though they wouldn't trust raids.) I got super sad and teared up and kind of sniffly. It sounds kind of dumb I know, but I miss my game. I think though it was because I'm so lonely that I started to like cry. Seeing the game going reminded me that's really my only home these days, of the fun times with people online, doing quests, being silly, talking about life, interacting with people. Plus the ability to do all my school uses; doing homework, doing research, taking notes. And all my show watching I do, all my job needs. Yeah, $350 is a vast sum of money to me right now, but for just that small amount (to someone who is working) I could get most of my life back. I could play my games again. I could see friendly people online again. I could talk on boards whenever I want. I could take notes and do homework whenever I want. I could watch my shows anytime. I could keep in much better contact with potential jobs and job site searching. I wouldn't have to constantly worry about taking a system from others or worry about what time it was and if I'd have access. I would be so much less stressed knowing everything I wanted to do was possible at any moment, freeing a lot of the daily stress and sadness, allowing me to 'do more with less' because I wouldn't constantly be trying to make myself happy with so much meaningless online activity. I could do exactly what I wanted when I wanted.

I am sad that my entire life now could be so vastly improved by what would normally be an item that isn't such a big deal (in terms of cost, availability, and that it is a private thing just for me (unless I chose to share it)). I am sad because without it I have no control over really anything in my life; my access is restricted, limited in what programs I can run, limited in time and day of use. And while I am around others, I am more in their way, blocking their progress, because my life is terrible right now and I'm forced to use public systems all the time. I guess it didn't really seem so important before. I mean, yeah, I know my whole world was accessed online before, but now... now when I'm not online (or in class) I am starting to feel so very alone, cast aside by society, and not cared about. These days at least when I'm online I feel like there is hope, that I can help someone out there, or I can stumble into something that can help me.

Day 222 - 2/8 - One of the nine

Sunday morningish nearing 11. I'm nomming some crackers and some chicken shapes I got the other day. It's still cold from the rain, but the birds are happy and singing. Maybe the rain is finally going away.

Last night was super cold so I went to the sleeping spot around 9:30 and zonked right out. When I left there was a car in the front lot who wasn't 'one of the nine'. I've begun to call the regulars that, as there are always nine and they are almost always in the exact same spots. Though they seem to park in the front of their houses Friday and Saturday nights, just on the other side of the bushes on that edge of the lot. I didn't see any people, so I don't know if the stray car was someone visiting one of the nine, a church goer, or a church official. I guess I should target leaving by 8 instead of getting up at 8 on weekends. Though yesterday I got up early at like 7:20, so maybe it won't matter.

Nothing new in teh rabb1t life yet. Just a regular Sunday of wishing I could be with you peeps in game having fun, studying a bit, watching movies, maxing and relaxing.

The other day in class (Monday) I mentioned how adults seem to forget that having fun and playing is really important. It seems so many adults I've known over the years got stuffy and poopie and only when they had kids (or were with kids) "thought it was ok" to be playful and silly. I always wonder what makes a person stop having fun. What is it exactly that kills that creative and curious spark? Is it just life defeating them over and over? The grind that so many seem to hit when they have to start working? I don't follow the bible or religion, but how does that saying go? "When I was a child I thought and acted like a child. Now that I'm a man I have put away childish things."? That always seemed so crazy to me, as it is through play and exploration of ourselves and our roles within society that allows us to grow and move forward. Why would you ever want to stop playing and exploring? I don't get it. Maybe I never will.

Well, it's a bit after 11. Nearly time to go over to the public library. Guess I'll stop for now.

Time passes

It's totally raining again now. I'm considering going to get a $1 item or two for dinner soon. The cold is totally ripping through. I think today topped out at 55F, brrrrr! The sun never really came out from behind the clouds. It seems that once the soft top gets penetrated to a certain point cold is just pulled straight through. That would explain why it stays cold all the time on days like this, as it never gets warm enough in this weather to totally dry even on days it isn't raining. Getting moist at night or during the rain, then it doesn't dry during the day, then cold rips right through.

I think with the weather what it is I'll see if I can sneak in to the sleeping spot around 9:30 again tonight. At least the evening is mostly over and tomorrow I'll have access to the library and Internet again.

Day 223 - 2/9 - What do you want to be when you grow up?

Just a bit after 1 now, lunch time. Took me like 15 minutes to get through the micro line, crazy. My morning was pretty much just talkin' tech and helping out a couple of people with builds.

A cutie I've never seen before was in the Internet lab this morning, so I gave her one of my last two extra Valentines. I also gave her my card since I'd never seen her before. I figured she isn't around much and may want to say hi or whatever later. I could have left it up to Fate to find her again, but I felt compelled to give her my card instead.

That's about it really. I watched Clone Wars and I need to go do my thing with the kids soon, but that's basically my day so far. Not much to say. Pretty regular day so far save for the minor flirt with the Valentine's Day candies, hehe.

Time passes

I spent some time 1 on 1 with the two I spent time with Friday. One asked me, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" And after I said "But I am grown up " too quiet for them to hear I said, "Tooooooo be a zillionaire and married to a hawt girl! " and they loled. She said, "Noooo I mean for a job." So I mentioned teaching or counseling and she said "You are good at that" and the other said "That'd be cool."

Tweaked my site a bit, entered some Epic Fail. I gave the Monday Valentine's out and the girlie said, "Thanks. Are you handing these out?" And I replied, "I guess so, if you count 10 on the whole campus as 'handing them out' " She blushed. Just the one extra left now.

Still early evening, just thought I'd scribble that down before class. K thx bye.

Time passes

Pause for a test, most people are done. Been sneezing a lot today. My roof got saturated last night and there were drips hitting my hood that I cover my head with. I think I caught a cold because of that. Sneezing, rough throat, itchy eyes, it's sad.

Day 224 - 2/10 - Scary dreams, sad dreams

Early morning, nearing 9:15, having a doughnut and juuuice. Super hungry and I figure my body needs it since I was sneezing all yesterday and have a raspy throat still.

I hope I can get back into my game soon. My brain is going crazy with a couple of sections to add to my tips page.

I had sad dreams last night. In one I was sleeping in my bed in my room, but then I realized I was homeless and not really in a bed and I started to cry. Someone came in to check on me, but they turned into a monster and started to attack me. I put up my arm to defend myself, but then they just started tearing my flesh off and eating it. It was one of those scary dreams you can't wake up from. There was another sad dream, but now that I'm awake they are starting to fade and I can't remember.

Well, the day has just started so that's all I have to say so far. It's super chilly, but super sunny. Maybe today the weather will start to turn back to warm for a happy shorts wearing Valentine's Day weekend.

Time passes

Just got back from dinner with the ghost. It's nearing 6:15, so I still have some library access but the day is basically over. We went to a place I've never been before, Armadillo Willy's. I guess I should have looked at the menu ahead of time because when I got there I had no idea what I wanted to eat. I just got a regular hamburger. I'm soooo full now. It was pretty cheap for restaurant food, only like $7-8, so when I can go back to having a not soup meal in my budget I might consider going there now and then. He gave me some monies for stuffs and I got a donation the other day, so I should be able to eek by in these next few weeks.

Possibly some good news from the person my mini boss forwarded me to, there may be two shifts I can get at that location. They are only like 3 hours each, so it's only 6 more hours a week, but that would be like $300 more per month. It wouldn't be enough to pay off my creditors, but it would get me some leeway. Heck, it's enough that if I go back to 2 shifts at my regular mini work (plus the new 6 hours) I could consider getting a netbook in the space of one month. That would be full of win. Depends though how much I'm driving. Currently I'm driving so little tires have bumped down in priority. Like 75 miles per week isn't a whole lot. If I am doing four shifts a week between the two mini works, that's almost double my weekly driving. In that case tires would go back up in priority pretty quickly.

Can't think of what else to say right now, so I'll close out here and go ahead and post this week's Fail. K thx bye.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008, 2009
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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