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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Day 183 - 12/31 - The peon is full-on weeping now

It's nearing 3 and I'm having a small snack. I sort of broke lunch into two parts, as I haven't been super hungry today so far. I think it is in part due to needing to cancel my WoW account due to not having access and the impending sadness of the coming days, as I know finding a job will still be a struggle for a while.

I didn't write 'till now, as this will likely be the highlight of my day, not counting the 6 month / New Year pizza later tonight. I think it's been since the 100 day pizza since I've had pizza of my own.

I decided to check if the slow public library was open and it's a good thing I did because they were. I did some board posts, checked email, canceled my account, but mostly gathered more info for my next build set. I can maybe work on that a bit today and tomorrow and have it ready on paper to input/update once school starts.

The day started super foggy this morning, heavy mist or light rain was all around. It's cleared and warmed up quite a bit now. I'm just wearing underwear, pants, and a t-shirt, no other under cloths, no second layers. That's something at least, but I'm guessing this will disappear as the night approaches. At 3 now this will likely hold a few more hours then grow cold.

I never hooked up with my ex-roomies sister again on their server after that first time. I guess it's ok as her boyfriend who like hates me has decided to start playing, so he's over there on that server now. So my friend/ex-roomie's original character will be her group / hang out with me body and I'll just spend all my time on my new main and drop the alt on that other server. It was sad to say the goodbyes to a few people I'd met because I had just started to really make connections. I left after just hitting level 77 with 9 /played days during the month. Crazy because that totals out at 50-55 hours per week. I did wind up heavily pushing myself due to the time restriction. I tried Left 4 Dead for those few hours, but I really didn't feel like playing Gears of War or Halo 3 or other Xbox 360 games. Mostly I wanted to work towards a more lasting result with my time. Yeah, they would have been fun, but the more I thought about it the more I felt as if I'd rather just rent a system and the games once I'm re-established in a home (if I really want to play them). I didn't want to feel rushed or have weirdness with saved games.

That's it for now really. My brain is still slowing down from being pushed this last month. Today and tomorrow will be the ultimate slow what with not even public libraries open, but after that we can hopefully move at a new pace in new directions for the new year.

Time passes

Here in Round Table for teh pizza nom now. There is a live New Year's Eve thing running which is doing the ball every hour for each coast (in the U.S.) so I'll just stick around for the next one (in like 40 minutes). Normally I don't care at all. Normally I'm gaming and watching the Twilight Zone marathon on Sci-Fi, but neither are an option. I guess I can has countdown and pizza by myself. At least it's something.

Day 184 - 1/1/2009 - British soap star to mega superstar

I had the strangest dream. In the dream I was a British soap opra star. I was one of a cast of four, two guys, two girls. I had light brown hair that was super fluffy, kind of a young Hugh Grant, and similar bone structure as well. I was younger, around my early 20s. I was snuggled behind Britney, hugging her from behind with one arm. We were both sitting down. She was giggling as I ran my left hand through her hair. She wasn't really flirting back a whole lot, but she did decide/agree we should date. I went back to the set and one of my costars, a very attractive female cast member who had a Jessica Alba look, got all mad because I'd apparently done that with her before (in scene). Apparently she wanted to be sweeties but I didn't know it, so she basically publically shunned me, and after finding out Britney did as well. I then went from obscure British soap star to super mega stardom as I'd now become known as the 'single British bachelor soap star who'd been shunned by two beautiful starlets'. Paparazzi came to my house wanting to do an interview and modeling shoot of me, but I had no cloths. I had one pair of black work pants, three or four ties, a single belt, and two or three shirts. Everything I normally wore came from wardrobe on the show. I said if they wanted good cloths, as they flipped through my 'personal wardrobe', that they would have to take me shopping to get some. They did. At the location for the shoot, which for some reason was a rocky hillside in a zoo, there were hundreds of fan girls waiting for us to arrive all cooing and clapping and happy to see me. Anyways, weird dream I thought I'd share as I don't have much else to say, heh. Some is obviously a mix of my daily homeless life, but some just doesn't seem to make much sense. And I'm good at dream interpretation.

It's somewhere around 10:15 and it's pretty cold and raining. It's been misting/raining since around 6 last night. It is a really quiet day as most places are closed. I'm sitting in the Target / GameStop lot as they are one of the few open places. I was thinking of checking Golfland after noon, as this is the kind of holliday they are usually open, but unless it warms up and dries out a bit noone would be there at all.

I'm tempted to go to the game center. I do have that coupon for 3 hours for the free. I don't think I will though. Not much can be accomplished in three hours and it's so soon after leaving that I haven't missed much. I do have account time until the 9th, so there is that to maybe consider. After that I have to use my 60 day pass to reactivate my account if I want to play and that time would then be ticking away. If anything I think I'd hold my time until the weekend. I don't know. I'll probably just hold it 'till later. Of course, the longer I hold it the theoretically less I'd need it, as hopefully I'm moving closer to being re-established in a home. Of course without a job no movement is no movement and I really am not getting any closer without income. So, if I am moving closer as time goes on, only Fate and Destiny would know.

Anyways... big day of nothing today. Few places are open and unless I got to the game center I'll have zero internet access today. Of course, being a big holliday (in the sense that everyone is off and most stores are closed) there really isn't any need for me to go online. Everyone will be playing, not posting, and job people won't be posting jobs.

Time passes

It's just after 3:15 and the clouds are finally beginning to part. If it continues to clear up I may have enough sunshine and warmth to dry out my back window. It's still wet from the morning. Not frosty anymore, which is awesome, but it's still wet. Days like this totally make me wish I could afford the Asus Eee PC N10J. While it is unlikely I could fight with it I clearly could do my crafting and maybe do a quest or two. At least I could have some fun with WoW. And I'd certainly have more than enough power to do general web surfing and update my site. It's still something I consider now and then, but as my situation has lingered thoughts of a portable have become further from my mind as thoughts of 'how am I going to pay for food and gas this week' have become more and more common. At least by changing campuses I can cut my gas cost by half, so that will help a lot.

Nothing really new to say. I'm so tired. I faded out for about 1/2 hour, despite getting a whopping 10-10.5 hours of sleep. I fell right to sleep last night when I got to the spot at about 10:30, woken up only briefly by firework popping at midnight. I guess my body is indeed slowing down and physically catching up to all the pushing I did when gaming.

Pretty busy shopping day here. I've been in this spot about 5 hours now. Seems as busy as normal with only a few larger items being purchased. Mostly people are only getting small bag items.

Well... just under 7 more hours and I can sleep. At least tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday, I have public library access. That will keep me occupied for about 3 hours. I have signing up for classes to try and do tomorrow too, so that's something.

Day 185 - 1/2 - Multisock

When I was little, about 10 years old or so, I used to have these nightmare like dreams that I'd take off my socks, but they would still be on. I'd have to take them off again, and again, and again. It was pretty crazy stuff. Last night I wore double socks, maybe for the first time in my life. It kept my toes warm. My toes and fingers have been super cold at night / in the mornings lately.

It's nearing 1:30. I'm super hungry, as I've been busy busy and haven't eaten yet. I'm just sitting here for a few minutes charging my stuff in the library. I told the admissions person about my trouble and she said it was odd and she saw the same 0/0/0 registration date on her system. She typed some stuff and it was fixed in a few seconds. Of course, now that it's the weekend before classes, they are all full and I have to be on the waiting list for the waiting list. I have to go to the classes in person and try and add at the last second. Well, Fate put me here for a reason, as I had no monies to sign up for classes before just recently in the past few days.

Someone was poopie to me on the WoW board where I posted my strategies. I don't get how they can be poopie and all 'holier than thou' yet they have sat on their ass making zero attempt to contribute to the community. Not cool. Encourage people who start something. If something exists like it that is better, tell them about it, politely. Don't just put them down or say they are wrong without referencing other material which is supposedly better.

The showers were open this morning. The swim team was there again. I won't be able to check tomorrow, as they have a flea market thing. Well, I could check, but it's not worth fighting everyone for a spot. I'll check on Sunday. I should have private time then. I'll check again after lunch. If it is still open I'll do my hair. My friend/ex-roomie got me a razor I put on my wish list, so yeeeaaa for new cordless hair trimmer.

Um... that's it really. I got the info to finalize my on paper January PC system builds. I've got about 1 hour at the other public library I'll use later today and that's it. Eating in my car and staring at shoppers is again all I have to do all day. (Unless I use my 3 free hours at the game center.) At least today and the next days the libraries are open, so if it get's too cold outside I can come sit inside the building. And all the stores are open, so I can window shop wherever.

Guess that's it. Thanks for caring about teh rabb1t. K thx bye.

Time passes

I'm very super sad now. It's been raining off and on today and I've been cold most of the day. I've had a massive headache since I tried to sign up for classes and discovered, due to my registration issues, which were not discovered earlier due to lack of money, everything has a wait list. It seems like my whole life I've been waiting. The past few days I've watched countless people buy things for their homes - shelves, baskets, stand up bookshelf units - or things for fun - movies, games, board games or other fun items. I remember back to times when I had a sweetie, when I had friends, and I did those things. I've never had enough to get by well. I've always "lived paycheck to paycheck". People I've known throughout my life have spent more in one weekend than I did for my entire entertainment budget for months. I've never been able to afford a vacation anywhere save for the occasional convention weekend locally. (Which I only did for about 10 years at different conventions, about 1 per year.)

Sure, the past few days I've been places where people spend money, but still... everyone seems to have a home. Everyone seems to have a job and be doing ok. Everyone seems to have family and friends to buy things for. On New Years there were tons of people running in to the store to buy items for the party they were going to.

I had those things once upon a time, but then, very rapidly, everything I'd built crumbled. And again recently what little I'd managed to recover crumbled.

I cried a few tears while hugging my bunnies goodnight tonight. So much lately I've watched so many people come and go around me. Everyone doing their thing and going home again. But not me. I'm alone in a cold car, which still hasn't dried out from this morning. No way to stop the cold from coming in. No way to stop the loneliness. No way to get back into somewhere warm. No way back to a job. No way back in to love. All outside my control.

I live my days as if they are still my own, but each day what I am, who I am, crumbles more and more. I go to the libraries to go online and talk about tech, talk about games, talk or read about home entertainment, but none of that is really for me anymore. Once upon a time it was. It was about what I loved and what I wanted to share. But now... now I'm a shell of what I once was, the true me a faint echo inside the empty outer shell that is so cold all the time, that can barely afford food, and everything in life, critical need or frivolous entertainment, on hold.

I know that there are those out there like me, struggling in life, some with worse situations. I can see how some would give up. Although I wouldn't I do feel sad enough inside I can see why someone would give up. There seems no way out for me now. No way to get back to where I was. No job who will hire me. No sweetie interested in loving me. No friends interested in helping me.

I feel sick. My headache is unbearable. All I can do is let it go. I'm here at Golfland. I haven't been here in I think months. I'm going to let the balls go, put them back on the course. What once seemed fun and enjoyable a 'lol, look what I got while homeless' thought now seems little more than a reminder of times I'm tired of. Times that shatter my soul. Times I don't want to remember, despite writing them in a journal.

I do feel sorrow for those like me and wish them well.

I do feel grateful to those who wish me well and friend me from afar.

I do feel thankful for what little I have left.

As always, I do hope tomorrow is a better day.

As always, I do hope the dreams and wishes today can once again turn back to reality and I can go back to being whole again.

Day 186 - 1/3 - Car has a hole

It's nearing 12:30, lunch time for bunnies. I finished all the 'on paper' work for my PC page changes, woot. Not much going on with the boards, everyone is out enjoying their Holliday. Wish I could join you peeps. At least the rain is gone and it is sunny and actually warming up a bit.

Good news / bad news. Good news is that I seem to be getting my Thursday / Friday schedule back at mini work and whichever classes I do wind up getting won't interfere with that. The bad news is that because there were those two weeks I didn't work I'm short on money. Looks like with what I should get... um any day now, as pay should have cycled in on last Thursday... I will be about $40 short from balancing on my super critical need items. I shouldn't put the eye doc off; he's been waiting since late November. There is another bill I think is overdue, but I haven't gotten more than one 'hey, you are overdue' notice yet. Guess I have no choice there. The odd thing is that online it shows as paid through 2009. And there is still only an estimate for school costs. I don't know if my estimates will put me further short or if I'll be ok or if I can delay payments a bit or what there.

That's it really. I've got about one hour left of internet access at the other public library should I decide to use it. I will probably do a small laundry in a bit and that's all there is for today. The rest of the day is hours upon hours of staring blankly into space.

I think I had some bad foods last night. I decided to get a $1 Taco Bell food item and it was after that I started to feel sick. I went to the resting spot at 8 to rest my sick/dizzy self, fell asleep after I started feeling normal again around 10, so I was only really sick feeling for about 4 hours, which points to bad food.

Um... that's all for now. K thx bye.

Time passes

So I'm driving from the first library to go to where I'm going to chill a few hours before leaving to do my laundry and the engine sounds all loud and differently toned on the passenger side near where I put my feets when sleeping. I'm like, "great, the mystery problem has finally broken." But I'm driving along and it seems like everything is normal, but it is cold and extra breezy and sounds more just like a tube of some kind has popped. So I wonder, did my feets push against something in the night and pop a something out of place? When I stop I go upsideown to look and sure enough there is a hole in the car. It's like someone drilled through the passenger feet area to push some kind of cable through, but decided not to, so there is this hole now. It looks like the sorry excuse for interior lining originally covered the hole. Being like 1/32" or so thick I'm sure it didn't offer much protection, but since it's now fallen apart down there the hole is wide open. I had a $3 foot mat I got when I got the car like two years ago, so I've got that pushed up over the hole. Hopefully that will help until I can find some duct tape somewhere and tape it up. I guess that could be why my feet have been getting so cold at night and it's felt like a breeze has been pulled under me. Not only is there just the like 1/8" of metal then the outside of the car, but the 1/32" or so of lining has busted up and is gone completely in that area now.

It's strange. It feels super cold, like the car is bleeding heat like crazy. It's nearing 7:15, just had some ham and chips for dinner. The odd thing is that my windows are completely clear, not a hint of foggy coldness or frost anywhere. I think it wasn't until after 9 last night that it started to fog up. Maybe it's just an emotionally based cold. Me out here, sitting, nowhere to go, watching everyone else come from their warm homes, in their air tight warm cars, shopping for nice home things, then hurrying back to get out of the cold. But I sit, because I must. There is no home for me to go back to.

I took a short cut just a bit ago to the store which passes by my old place. I miss my room. I miss my friend. I miss sometimes watching movies with her, ordering pizza and watching shows. As I said before we didn't hang out a whole lot and weren't super friendly all the time, but I'm a sad lonely bunny now, out in the cold. I miss my friend. I miss my warm bed in my room.

Day 187 - 1/4 - Tummy needs a break

Breakfast/brunch nom, about 10:15, having uncooked bacon (ham, hehe), crackers, and a soda. It's super cold, but it's an odd cold. My rear plastic window is nearly completely defrosted, started defrosting around 9. Last night it didn't freeze over until around 4 AM, and then for some odd reason only the back plastic window and front window iced. My side windows weren't iced, nor fogged at all. It was super cold, as if there was an icy wind piercing me from about 6 PM on, but there were no signs of cold.

Library opens at noon, so there is that in a bit. I'll skip the second one later. Yesterday in the evening check all I did get was a happy thank you note from someone I helped to decide on a system build. Since it costs maybe $0.50 or more in gas now to move up to that other library I'll just pass if I'm not actually helping anyone at the time. What with the Holidays all four of my current boards have been super quiet.

There is a newspaper guy over near the store trying to pimp the paper; dying business there. I'm guessing within 10 years they will be completely toast offline. Gaming mags started dying out about 10 years ago and I'm amazed a few have managed to survive this long. I'm thinking within 10 years there will be enough portable devices that print news will be completely unnecessary (in the high tech nations).

Not sure if I have anything else to say. Showers had luke-warm water this morning, but I'm all shaved now. PC page updates are done and ready to go, so that's happy. I can't play my game anymore, so that's sad. School starts tomorrow, so hopefully I can get into a couple of classes. If I were in a home I could try and do my Masters online. It would be weird but someone said his sister did it without any trouble. Without access to at least a laptop I couldn't even consider that. Though I suppose it might be possible if I had access through the local schools. I may try and see what would be required in terms of time commitment and deadlines. I don't have any money for tuition though, so I'd have to be 100% covered.

Nothing really to look forward to today. The day will bring what it brings though. Maybe it will surprise me (in a good way).

Time passes

Ug. I think tummy needs a break. Not counting New Years Eve pizza lunch meats have been the majority of my food. While I got ham this time, the salami and pastrami seem to have done some damage to my poor tummy. I thought I was ok with ham last night and this morning, but I've been to the bathroom like five or six times between last night and tonight when I normally should have gone only once. I think I may burn my one charge of Panda Express in my budget tonight. It's either that or go to the game center and use a soup. Even though I've got an active account 'till the 9th I think I'd rather save my free hours at the center for either my return or a time I'm super sad and need cheering up. I found a coupon they gave me for one hour for the free, so added to my three, plus one I would buy, that would be 5 hours at the cost of only one. I could up that to 6 hours (a good chunk of time for doing a raid or something more involved than just questing) and only be paying like $5 or up it to 9 and spend most of a day there for like $10. That's best saved for my return I think, like if I get a job that's 10 hours or more a week I could celebrate with that before I got paid since it's such a small cost, then regularly visit like 6 hours a week once a week, probably on a weekend day. I'm hoping to have a greater chance to find at least a 10-20 hour a week (additional) something as a peon at the school. Most of those positions have already hired people, but you never know. There was notice of one in the library when it was getting ready to close for winter.

So yeah... tummy and digestive tract... not having such a good time on lunch meat. You always have to be careful with on-sale lunch meat.

Burrr... the sun just went down out of view behind a building. I was warm 15 minutes ago, now I'm rapidly getting chilly.

Time passes

I'm at Panda having teh nom ^.^ My tummy is super happy, but my soul is super sad. I feel like crying. I'm sad I couldn't cook my own dinner and haven't for more than 6 months. I'm sad because I still feel a touch sick, but I can't just lie down in bed and watch TV. I have neither. I have noone to come check my forehead to see if I have a temperature, neither sweetie nor roommate/friend. I can't sleep in until I feel better. Noone can make me chicken soup nor can I make it for myself.

Such simple things - cooking your own foods, the food you want, the way you want, snuggling in to bed when you don't feel good, someone checking in and gently petting you to make you feel better - things I don't have. Things I wonder if I will ever have again.

The walls were crumbled, destroyed beyond recognition. What was once a couch, once a table, now barely recognizable. Crumbled picture frames no longer hold memories of what was, but what is, what had happened to them to cause their demise.

The playground, once filled with children's laughter, now sits empty. The sound of the swing an eerie creek and scrape, as only one chain holds what was the seat, blown by the wind the seat scrapes back and forth on twisted metal which was the riding horse.

A child's beloved stuffed animal with half its stuffing lost, no longer recognizable as bear, bunny, or dog, never to be hugged and put to bed or woken up again. A tricycle lying on its side, half buried in mud, one wheel spinning. A flower bed once planted with care, now nothing more than soil scattered across the ground. A briefcase broken open, papers scattered, some still fluttering in the air, falling out of the trees.

~ Any disaster site

Day 188 - 1/5 - Welcome back to the world

Only I am different. I was thinking over break how everything would change on campus - different students, different activities, and different things going on. But this morning I realized, only I am different. Students won't change until September. They will still do their same things and same activities they did last semester. It isn't a renewal or change for everyone - it's me coming in to the middle (of the school year).

Totally crowded here for lunch nom. It's nearing noon, freezing outside (without actually freezing), and sprinkling just a tiny bit.

I monopolized a system this morning for a few hours and updated my PC page, system recommendations, and WoW site. Later I'll get working on Epic Fail, which will take a while to get caught up and ready for posting. Hopefully I can sing up for one class later tonight and get my student ID for here. With that I can go to the "media lab", where I can use a system for four hours with no worry about monopolizing it. Though there were plenty of systems open this morning for others, so, at least so far, I haven't really monopolized it yet. Hopefully too the systems in the lab have 1680x1050 screens. The 1280x1024 ones are ok, but they make design work tough due to the lower resolution. Lots of scrolling or zooming in and out. So old school.

Um... that's it so far. Lots of excited happy peeps around me, but nothing new for me to report yet. Just a return to my "normal homeless life", heh.

Time passes

I'm in my potential first class super early. It's now 5:05 and it doesn't start until 5:30. It looks like there is only like one or maybe two classrooms for their whole department. I suppose that's good in that it is more likely an evening class will have room. Being an evening class that doesn't start until 5:30 there likely won't be a lot of people here until class starts as most will be fighting rush hour traffic to get here.

The good news is I totally pwned my site updates. My brain was sharp, fast, accurate, and alert, so the changes went super fast and I updated a lot. I think I should have no problem doing the rest tomorrow. The entire site is now up to 1280 wide, the pictures for series 5 are all ready to go, and I only have one week to enter and that's it.

Um... that's it for now.

Time passes

Me for teh win! The nice professor person added me to the Monday night class. Phew. So, one down one to go. I'm half way towards settling in on the new campus. There were some nice peeps, no real cuties to speak of, heh. Ton of people in class, like 45. My other class at the other campus averaged like 20-35, so this is a lot more than I normally see in these classes.

Dinner nom. I found some abandoned fries. An entire 'side', like $2.50 worth of food. Warmed it up a little in the micro, so it's not cold. That and a noodle thing I heated up and I've got lots of foods.

It's just now 8, so there is still one hour of library access, then one hour past that of cafeteria room access. I will get a bit more email / board checking time after dinner, but the day is basically over.

Pretty good day so far. Pretty cold and somewhat rainy, so hopefully the night will turn out ok.

Day 189 - 1/6 - Labs

Lunch time. Yeeeaaa. So hungry. nom nom nom. Wish I could afford not cheap food to buy a hamburger or something.

Hopefully I've paid all my registration fees. It seems the system automatically refunded my class fees, so I only needed to pay other registration fees. That should be a sign that financial aid approved me for a "fee waiver", which should also cover half of parking.

I'm all caught up on Epic Fail up to today. There are just a few finishing touches and then I can do the big update. In theory I can go on up to the "media lab" after lunch and use that from now on. Woot!

All that is left is to sign up for a class tonight or tomorrow and my transition will be complete. I went to get a "DASB" card, which is the card they use here, and the guy said I'd have to pay a fee to change. I didn't ask how much it was. I was really hoping to do that to help with my (mental/emotional) transition, yet another old way left behind, but I'll wait until I get my second class going then look into what the fee is. If it's only $5 and I'm under budget on class costs, which it looks like I may be, then that's ok. (Although the sweater I wear is also from the old school.)

I can use all the spare money I can get with Valentines just around the corner. Being a romantic I always get chocolate roses and those little candies with sayings to hand out to a few cuties. The roses are getting really expensive though lately running about $2-2.50 each, so eek! I normally don't go over 6 or so per semester. My class last night had only one or two I may consider, but I'd probably want three or so extra for cuties I see out and about not in my classes. Last year I couldn't afford any roses, so I just got the box candies and some chocolate kisses and mixed them together into baggies tied nicely with ribbon, heh.

Guess that's it. Let the adventure of officially being at the new school continue!

Time passes

I'm having a snack. It's about 4, two hours 'till I'll head over to my potential Tuesday class. I dropped everything on the web. Phew! The sad news is that the versions of Word that I have access to don't go high enough to do a .pdf. The systems in the tech center would, but I can't use them unless I'm taking a class in that department. So, lab news... I decided to get the card, it was indeed $5, then I checked out the labs. (The fee should be fine as I spent just over half as much registering as I had budgeted.) I went upstairs of the main library to the closest lab. They have Macs there that are similar to the ones in the regular library, but you can watch videos. I'll likely spend my mornings in there once shows start their new seasons. I know a few start later this week. But they are locked, so I can't do any web updates or design work from there. I found out that room, which I thought was the media lab, is actually the "Internet lab". Well ok, having locked systems with no programs on them now makes sense. I then go down to another area I know of which was called the "media lab". The systems were unlocked, but good god they were poo. Slow as heck and the screens were 1024x768 res. A netbook would out power them. So after running around everywhere I discovered that the main library is the best spot for general web messing around, and the "Internet lab" would be best for watching shows, while "library express" (the "little computer room" I've been using) is the only place to update my site, which is basically no real change from what I've been doing save for adding on the Internet lab for video watching.

It seems that picking up something like the Asus N10J is still my best bet to give me a system for taking class notes, doing email, checking jobs, web browsing, video watching (though in low res) and minimal gaming (maybe some online maybe not). At $680 it isn't all that bad for laptop prices, but desktop pricing... wooooofff. That is the price of a full core change. That's 2/3 of something like a Core i7 920 CPU, x58 chipset motherboard, and 6 gig of DDR3. But... if I get student loans to cover it, and a bit above that for critical needs, like some car stuff or contact stuff, it may be well worth considering. I'd never have to fight for system time. I'd have 100% access either through school or the free city web anytime I wanted any day I wanted, and most of all I could try and game. (I could certainly play older off-line games, heh.) I suppose once I were no longer homeless (and didn't need it) I could always Scorched Earth the system (reformat the hard drive) and reinstall everything and sell it on the secondary market. After a full reformat all of my personal info would be gone. Using and reselling is what I've done for all my desktop parts and most of my games, so the theory is sound. (Though I'd expect there is far less market for used portables.)

I don't know... as always my future is in Fate's hands and what I decide will be decided when/if I have the means.

Day 190 - 1/7 - What to say...

My day / life doesn't seem all that interesting to talk about today. I'm in a good mood, reasonably happy all things considered, clean cloths on, showered and shaved, there are happy people in the cafeteria, some live music going, but I don't know. Everyone else's life seems much more interesting to ponder than my own today. Maybe it's because there is so little movement in my life and seemingly so much potential in theirs.

Last night the professor asked how many had a bachelors in class and a fair number raised their hand. I guess at least I was again reminded that I'm not the only one who needs or wants to redirect their life. Not sure if I can get into the class though. She is only allowed 40 and she is maxed plus three over. She has seats in the room though, so hopefully I can add. It would be a much more interesting class than the one tonight I would try and add if I can't get in to last night's. Tonight is one of those basic level, yet required, courses. I already likely know the material, so bleh. As always, up to Fate more than me. What I can control for I have, the rest is beyond my control.

The more I think about a portable the more it makes sense again. I really am on the computers like 6+ hours per day, so getting my own would be better than using up public systems. And yeah, I can wipe it and sell it if I can't afford to keep it and do desktop system upgrades once I get re-established. My system would likely still fair well enough as is, but I can do a minimal upgrade of a graphics card, like a GTX 260 Core 216 55nm for $250 post rebate, and a CPU upgrade for around $60, so those two would significantly boost me for just over $300, recovering maybe half that ($150) for sale of my current parts. So that would be something at least.

Anyways... money money money. Can't make any changes in my life without money and pondering where I am at that time.

Maybe I'll have something more interesting to write later.

Time passes

Bleh, couldn't add tonight's class. I'll have to manage to get in to the Tuesday class or try my next opening on a Saturday class. Being homeless and only working two days a week weekends are a fairly moot point, so I guess it would be ok, but I'd still rather not have a class on Saturday from 9 to like noon.

Well, the day is over and it's now 9 PM. I'm having a snack of spicy curly fries which were left over from my hamburger meal I had earlier. (No cheese. Tummy is pretty sensitive about that.) I decided that since I'm "under budget" on school costs I could get one nice extra meal and give tummy a break. It's been unhappy lately. Must just be too much lack of solid food or I have a cold, not sure which, but it was very happy to get a real solid meal. They are so rare for me these days.

I guess today I bounced between the happier side of meh and just a touch on the sad side of meh. Overall I felt generally ok about things though. I think a cutie on her phone that passed by me sums today up best with what I overheard. "I'd rather just be sitting on my bed eating some ice cream." Nothing good happened today, but nothing bad either. My situation is starting to wear on me though.

I very much want some real quiet private time.

I very much want my poor feets to stop hurting and being tired all the time.

I very much want to sleep in a bed and keep sleeping until I wake up from getting enough sleep.

I very much want to cook my regular foods again.

But most of all I very much want to be able to stop worrying about everything all the time.

Day 191 - 1/8 - New Nvidia cards

Lunch time. Nothing really new in teh rabb1t life. New Nvidia cards is about it. The GTX 295 is set to launch any minute now. There is confirmation the GTX 285 is on the way on the 15th. No confirmation of the rumored GTX 265 though. A GTX 265 would be really nice to eliminate all the GTX 260, GTX 260 Core 216, and now GTX 260 Core 216 55nm confusion.

Chilly out today. Burrr. Mini work later tonight. That's really it. I feel ok, not overly sad, just my normal amount of sad. Put out a couple of applications for part time somethings. That at least would get me going again with my credit debt and a touch for food. So few jobs are being posted anywhere though.

There are a couple of guys in here doing keyboard music. It sounds... off though, like it's out of tune. Is that even possible with a keyboard? An actual piano sure, but a keyboard? Maybe they are just hitting keys that aren't sounding right? Or the speaker isn't doing enough of the tonal range to sound right? Maybe they just suck, heh. These are older retired guys though, who give the impression they've been doing this a while. Meh, I suppose it's for teh free and it's fun.

Anyways, um, guess that's it. I did think yesterday of cheating to get the .pdf access. I could stop by the other school campus on my way to mini work. Or, I could sign up for a one or two unit class here to get access to the tech center systems via their self paced teach yourself courses. If I can't add the Tuesday class and my last chance Saturday one falls through as well I may have no choice but to do that. If I had several hours or unlimited time those would be the best systems to do design work on. I'll look into that later if need be. (I need 6+ units to automatically qualify for not needing to pay off loans.)

So... um... k thx bye.

Time passes

hehe I'm at mini work and there is no clock out where the guys can see it. Months ago there was one working out there, but it's been broken a while. They have a score board that I thought I'd try and figure out to give them a count down or something for their time. I plugged in the control box (which seems overly complicated), but there was no power in the outlet. I went across the gym and found a switch. When I turned it on it did the loud buzzer BBAAAAAAA and I was all 'hehe my bad ' Maybe tomorrow before there are too many guys here I'll try again.

That's it. Just sharing a lol.

Day 192 - 1/9 - Possible hour reduction

Friday lunch nom. I forgot what day it was when I was sleeping. I was just sleeping in on campus and woke up and got worried I may have a hard time getting system time for my Nvidia updates, but then I was like, 'oh yeah, like noone is here because it's Friday, hehe'. It's a good thing I had kind of a crazy dream that I'd forgotten to shave. I wanted to do it on my way in and I probably would have forgotten if it weren't for the dream. I often don't see myself during the day, as I have no private time to like hang out where there are mirrors and ponder such things. I normally do it when I shower every day or two, but with full showers diminishing to every three or four days (since it's gotten too cold to dry my towel during the day) I sometimes forget to check my whiskery bits and then get reminded when they are pokin' on me.

No word on adding Tuesday's class yet. The professor said she should get news (already by now) but she hasn't sent a second update.

Word from CES that another gaming capable netbook is on the way, but no launch date was given. Of course there is always the option of gaming in a super gimped fashion on a non gaming one that would cost around $450 (compared to like $650), but with no money I can't ponder my options seriously. I can keep them open as options though.

I seem to have wound up with a vegetable soup. It's super yummy, but I thought I grabbed beef with barely, heh.

Oh, my other iPod part came in the mail, so I have to try and remember to pick that up later. I want to set it up on PC, so I can't mess with it until Sunday, as I probably only have access to Macs on Saturday.

That's really it for now for rabb1t news. Nothing terribly interesting I'm affraid. Sorry. K thx bye.

Time passes

Having a late snack before heading out to mini work. Probably bad news. Mini work may be going back to just 5 hours a week. I've been on 10 now for a while and still not making much over critical needs. Going back to just 5 a week would be crazy. I'd have to eliminate all fast food meals (which have already been reduced to one or less a week) and I'd barely have enough to meet minimal food, minimal gas, leaving basically nothing to interview with, one laundry per week, some for car insurance and the phone, and that leaves about $5 per paycheck for everything else. I couldn't pay for any critical rare occurring needs like contacts or car maintenance.

In other sad news I think I may have missed an opportunity to flirt, heh. I was sort of chatting with someone, you know, those casual kind of comment on things around you chats. Later she left and kind of paused. I said bye but didn't give her my card. She apparently was just visiting someone so she likely won't be back. Ah well. If Fate wants us to meet again we will.

So yeah, pretty sad update. If the hour reduction remains I'll be headed back to trouble pretty quickly. The "double hours" at 10 per week has barely been enough. Going back to 5...

Time passes

Hopeful class news for tomorrow, there are two Saturday classes running at the same time. Oddly they are the same class. Hopefully I can ask the professor ahead of time if they have room. If they say no I can bail to try the other class.

I caught a good sale at the store - a whole cooked small chicken for $5. Not as small as a game hen, but not as big as a turkey. If I were to guess I'd say it is 2-3 pounds? I ate half for dinner. Yeeeaaa happy tummy. This is one of those times I'm sad to eat meats. I always say I'm sorry to the creatures that are my foods and wish them safe and happy future lives. I tried being "no meat guy" for a while I think about 5 years ago for I think like 6-9 months. I ate no meat, but animal product was ok - like cookies have eggs, etc. I actually gained a lot of weight. The only things I knew to eat were pasta, rice, potatoes, fries, bread, etc. I did some healthy snacks, but mostly junky ones. I don't really do beans and salad goes bad fast for just one, so it's pretty expensive. (Those are what you should eat on a no meat or less meat diet.) Plus, when my intolerance / sensitivity to tomato stuffs started getting worse, and what with my dairy issues, I pretty quickly ran out of stuff to eat that wasn't pure calories. (This was where I first learned I was becoming sensitive to fried foods.) I try to be "less meat guy" these days, soups with just small bits of meat, or smaller meat portions with more rice and/or larger vegetable portions. Pretty much out of the question right now though what with my super low income and inability to cook due to being homeless.

Anyways... yummy dinner nom, but it makes me sad for the chicken (or cow when I have beef items, piggy if I have ham, etc.) Maybe some day I'll have a sweetie to help me be "even less meat guy" or the money and freedom (in terms of having time to research it and shop for ingredients) to try myself.

But yeah, there you go, a few more random rabb1t thoughts to maybe ponder in comparison of your own life.

Day 193 - 1/10 - iPod ready

Kinda late, doin' laundry. It's about 5:15. I got in to the Saturday morning class, which is good since the Tuesday one was still full. I met a cutie, but she has a guy and a little one already, hehe.

Um... oh I loaded up my iPod, so it's ready to go. I didn't test it, but I'll likely do that later tonight or tomorrow.

When I went into the library after class the nice librarian person David said he was worried about me when he didn't see me waiting outside. It's always nice to be worried about and know peeps care.

Got a hello message from someone on a board I knew like three years ago. Heh funny to be remembered after so long.

Um... that's really it. Nothing super interesting really.

Day 194 - 1/11 - The new me is the old me

I am becoming what I've always been. I think I mentioned that as early as like when I was 10 I was playing games (both pen and paper role playing and arcade), thinking up game characters for role playing games, coming up with stories, enjoyed military type shows - Star Trek, Buck Rogers, Battlestar Galactica. As we "grow up" we have to add on layers to our core personality, a job persona, a bill paying persona, a maintenance persona - car, home, appliances - a layer of distrust about strangers. But lately I've been thinking about how all the extra layers which surrounded my core are gone. Only my core self is left because I can't afford the things I need the extra layers for. Without these I'm more my true core self than I've really been able to be in a while. Sure, I've always played my games, analyzed things in the games, been interested in tech, and I've never let anything completely stop that. Today, as I've been pondering changing a few hot key positions for my Death Knight on paper, I've thought how very much my life is "today" compared to when I was 10-12. I have the same money limitations now as then, if not more. I am still me at my core. I am still a gamer. I am still a strategist. I still watch the same type of shows. I still care about the fallen around me, or those who are about to fall, and try to protect them, even if it means a personal sacrifice. Hopefully my core will never change. It seems today that I feel stronger and more sure about my core, who I truly am, because those layers have been burnt away. I've certainly never felt the need to have them. Through this process people have encouraged certain layers or been shocked about my apparent lack of a certain layer. But I'm fine with it, this is me. Some may not understand why I retain a childlike wonder about things, why I stand so resolute against other things, but it is who I am. And hopefully who I always will be.

Time passes

It's totally warm now. I think it's probably up near 70F. (Last I saw it was 65F.) Perfect day for sitting at home playing a something and having the window open for some fresh air. Good day for inviting friends over for an impromptu BBQ in the early evening, before it cools off too much, then watching a movie. It's sunny and warm, like early summer with a slight cool breeze.

My day took an odd turn when I discovered that the little library room, nor any other library rooms, will be open on Sundays. I got my 2 hours at the slow library (which has reached tolerable speeds lately) and that's it for my day. All that remains now is sitting in my car for about 7.5 hours, then sleeping if I can sleep. The other library really isn't worth the gas to get there unless I'm actively helping someone.

I officially added the Saturday class, so my transition to the new campus is complete. I can see about loans soon. I'm sitting in the shopping lot close to campus. The lot is packed with people sharking around for parking spots, just like last weekend. From what I can see people still seem to be buying mostly smaller items with large ones being things for home - shelves, baskets, hangers, etc.

"All right, let's go get ice cream" the mom says, her voice sounding like a happy song after sharing a few comments with her daughter about never having a bad ice cream - save for Green Tea ice cream. I would agree... if it weren't for the fact that I have noone to share ice cream with and less than $10 left in my account. Maybe it's part of my whole feeling like I'm 10-12 mood lately, but today feels like one of the late mornings at my grandparent’s house in Phoenix where I had nothing to do but sit around and watch the cars go by or go visit the neighbor's horse he kept in a fenced area. Yet another simple thing - to go with your parent or child to get ice cream, or friends / roommates if you are older - yet one of those things which can't be done alone, and if done alone seem sad because you have noone to share with. Sadder still if you are not only alone but lack the financial flexibility to do such a thing.

Day 195 - 1/12 - Free Realms for teh free

Good news for young gamers everywhere - Sony was showing off Free Realms at CES. I haven't seen news on this for almost exactly a year, but for those who don't know Free Realms is going to be a MMOG which is free to download, free to play, and targets younger players, but looks fun for all ages. The dev in a video I saw said specs are really low and any system made since something like 2001 would be able to play. Woot! I'd totally be able to play on a netbook. No mention of a launch date, but it looks solid. There is also an official page now, and I signed up for beta. There are different mini games that look fun. The video showed a pet game, a matching game, a mining game for crafting, and a combat game, which is similar to a Diablo point and click to kill game. Classes are changed easily and some classes are specific to the mini game being played. (Like 'postman' was referenced for the matching game they showed, but is also used for other games.)

I'm having an early lunch at around 11:30. It is nice and warm today again. There are a few peeps in shorts or skirts, and I even left my sweater in the car. (Though I'm still wearing three shirt layers.)

Not much to say. I spent all morning so far getting a touch extra rest then working on my site and Epic Fail.

Free Realms is the big news of the day. Seems like spring is in the air early. (Hopefully if this is a temporary warm front it will stick around for a while.)

Well... done with lunch, going to check over a paper that's due tonight then go watch Psych, Monk and 24.

Day 196 - 1/13 - Pull up yer damn pants

I don't get how having (guys) pants hang over your butt is a good fashion statement. I will admit that a few years ago when you showed the underwear band with the label on it that kind of made sense. It was like 'here is my undie label, you can peep my brand', ok I get that. But this new trend I've seen being like 'I'm 5 and pull up my front but don't know how to pull up the backside over my butt' makes no sense at all. Not only must it be cold, but you don't even sit on the pants when you are sitting in a chair. And, news flash, unlike how getting just a peek at girls' undies is hawt, seeing your (guy) butt hanging out in the open with yer pants down off yer cheeks is not going to attract the girls. Certain guys, maybe, sure, but girls, no. Gils like guys who know how to pull up their pants.

Late lunch, nearing 3. I'm having super cheap Ramen noodles. According to my figures I should be down at like $10, but my bank thinks I have more and I can't figure out what is missing. I must have double counted something. I won't mess with it. I'm ok on foods. I'll need to stop to get more Pepsi tomorrow, so I may get other soups or a side of fries as a treat or something.

It still feels like spring is in the air. It's warm again, though not quite as warm as yesterday. Campus seems lightly populated for some reason. Sunday and Monday will be sad. There is a holiday Monday, so campus and the public library will be closed, meaning access for both days will really just be two hours on Sunday.

That's it really. Nothing new or interesting to talk about. Just don't go around with your pants hanging over yer butt. Pull up yer damn pants. Get a cool J!nx shirt or a hat if you want to be fashionable, sheesh.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008, 2009
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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