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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Day 113 - 10/22 - I shake my little tush on the catwalk

It's just short of 10:15, not quite lunch nom time, but I'm hanging in the cafeteria. Ran a couple of email / job checks, posted week 16, watched a show. I have nothing to do really save for one other show to watch. I'll leave for laundry around 3, then there is a class in the evening, but that's it.

I decided to get some Animal Crackers instead of candy because they were on sale and I'll be getting candies to give out next week on Sunday, so I'll have plenty of candy snacks soon enough, hehe. I spent a bit more on laundry soap getting a name brand instead of generic Safeway brand. I wasn't super impressed with the cleanliness of my last few batches of cloths, so we'll see if the name brand is any better. Sometimes generic stuffs are ok, sometimes they aren't worth the money and the name brand is actually better.

Not much for rabb1t brain thoughts today so far. Teh brain is sleepy. Last night was a decent temperature and I wasn't really cold. I think I actually got nearly 8 hours, which is awesome these days. Normally I'll sleep closer to 8-9 hours in a bed, running on 7 when I'm excited about something. I'm not so tired / worn out today as I am just a bit slow and hazy.

Later tonight I'm going to try and remember to ask if my class campus has Photoshop and/or Flash. I could check their main campus too. That's about 15 minutes away, but if it gets me those programs I'd have no problem doing the menu button for the Home Entertainment page or resizing pictures for Epic Fail. Today or tomorrow I'll see what it would cost to send those for development. What with the bigger paycheck this and next week I should have enough to develop all three series. I'll be starting series four soon.

Hum. Looks like my estimated list of everything I want/need is around $300 and my paycheck will be around $220. So some stuff will have to wait.

Checking some tweaked numbers I may have to reduce the picture development to just one set and postpone oil till next paycheck in two weeks. Yeeesh that would be bad, as that's another 300-400 miles. I guess I should put all picture development on hold and do the oil change if it's affordable.

Well, after I eat I can research some exact figures and plan things out for sure. These estimates could be a bit off. Though this plan doesn't leave any extra for added gas use for interviews or a job. *sigh* Heck, food at $3 a day, gas, and laundry for two weeks just by itself is about $110, nearly all of my normal $120 I get per paycheck. And I know you peeps are very familiar with how sad $3-4 for all my foods for a day is for me. At $1 per meal I'm going to seriously be hurting for nutrition very quickly. I'm surprised I've remained as healthy as I have this far.

*glances around room while pausing to think of things to say* Heh, pink cammo. I was pretty shocked when I found out that was a real cammo color. Did I tell you peeps about that? I researched colors online to be sure I referenced the right colors that I liked and discovered the pink was developed for Naval use during dusk / dawn operations. I can't remember the last time I saw pink / purple hues at dawn / dusk. I don't think I've seen any during the time of Epic Fail, heh.

Start of week 17... bleh. Maybe this week will at least have a cool boss battle of some kind.

Time passes

lol. I saw this super duper tiny phone on my way back to my table after microing my food. It's almost as small as the one in Zoolander.

Time passes

I flirted at a cutie. Her name is Sherri. (Not sure on the spelling.) She hangs out with the noisy guys that are always in the little computer room in the morning. (They are gamer peeps if I didn't mention that before. Mostly console, specifically PS2 and PS3.) I made her lol on a few previous days and today she was on a system next to me and I noticed she had goose bumps, so I asked if she was cold and gently brushed her arm where she had the goose bumps. (She had a super low cut no-sleeve shirt on.) She said yeah, so I took off my night/house/winter shirt since I had on a regular t-shirt under it and put it on her. (Thank the gods it wasn't too stinky.) She smiled and I said she could put it on, that it would likely fit her, but she just put it around her shoulders and arms. When she left she gave it back and said thanks and introduced herself and put out her hand for a handshake and was super smiley. Hardly any scent on it from being on her, which is good as I'm allergic. It would be tough to date / change a scent heavy person. She's super cute. Not my usual type in terms of a racial mix(?), but she's got a hawt bod and super cute smile and her eyes light up when she laughs. I'd guess she's around 20, more than likely far too young to be interested in teh rabb1t. And one of the guys may be her boyfriend or a love interest, though I've never seen her being snuggly with any of them so I'm not sure. (There are like six of them that are regulars that hang out with her.) Well, I see them every day, and Sherri most days, so if a something happens a something happens.

The oil change place said it would be $40 and they don't take appointments. I have a feeling it will be closer to $60+, but I guess it's possible it really is that cheap. I guess I can go see about doing that this weekend. I guess maybe Saturday around 4 when the library closes. I'll have nothing to do after it's closed anyway.

Snack nom with a Pepsi and Animal Crackers. It's like 1:30 I think.

Got a reply for the general office position with the city. I ranked 50-something. It must have been the math since I ranked 17 for the senior position. (No maths on the senior position test.) Put out an app for a different city general office position, but that's been it so far today.

Eeemmm... not sure what else to say other than I'm all sad that I really can't afford a not $1 meal more than once a week. Pretty depressing to think that even with an 'extra' $100 this paycheck and a few bigger donations lately that I still really can't even keep up with my critical/minimal bills. And that's not even counting things like paying off creditors or any real healthcare costs of any kind.

Oh, I remembered wrong. I did put out an app before the city one, so that's two for today. It was a bit lower pay at like 25-28 hours per week. Looks like that would be around $850 a month post taxes. Enough to restart bill payments, but less than half what I need to be re-established. I really want to get re-established, but I'd really miss being around the young happy college peeps all the time if I worked off campus. I've always felt a certain level of comfort and belonging around them and on college campuses. I'd hate to lose that when I start work. Of course with schools being even more picky about experience it is very unlikely I'll get a job on campus prior to getting my teaching creds.

Time passes

zomg. I r teh dumb. I didn't think to check my class campus for the programs I need. Well, I think I did think of the main campus before today, but not the mini-campus I have classes at. I asked / checked tonight and they have everything I need and then some. They have the full on Adobe suite, which has Photoshop, Flash, and a bunch of stuff I don't need. I only got five minutes on a system after I thought to check, so the menu button add only got half done. But tomorrow I'll pop up before work and finish that and work on the completed version of the Epic Fail cover.

I got cheezburger 'cause I'm super hungry. I'll be ok for moneys, but it's ready now so late dinner nom then off to 'bed'.

Day 114 - 10/23 - Making a button and a cable

Roughly noon, time for lunch nom. Nothing really interesting or exciting to report for today yet. I ran some email / job checks, checked fun boards a couple of times, updated my site so it's all ready for the new menu, watched Knight Rider, aaannnd that's it. Not even doing a lot of board helping lately. Every few days I'll make a suggestion, but that's about it. I think the boards are quieting down in anticipation of Lich King and other games releasing soon.

Gonna hang here for a bit then head to my class campus to do my menu and Epic Fail cover. It shouldn't take long. Of course, I don't actually know if I can really finish the cover as all I need is an old school computer font. It's unlikely that will be on a system and I can't add one (since installation is blocked.)

It's warm today, so that's something. I wasn't cold last night until around 4, but I had a lot of trouble getting to sleep. Two nights ago I zonked right out by 11, but last night I just couldn't calm myself till around 1. Probably just me feeling trapped by my whole situation. Can't take more classes without trading the ability to get re-established in a home. Can't take just any job really, as too many hours at a low pay restricts my ability to look for another job. (Plus I have too much ... honor? ... to accept any kind of real job (something above minimum pay) with the knowledge I'd be trying to abandon them ASAP.) Like I have one I may interview with that's full time, but it would barely meet my absolute most minimal budget, which is far too risky to keep for long, so I'm very conflicted about that. Can't keep not paying credit card or bills, as it's already been nine months now. My get out of debt plan wasn't supposed to exceed three years and we are now at the end of year one with only five months paid. Can't just take a job that pays well but I'm not happy with, because even though that would buy me time, if I'm not at least moderately happy with the position I'd just be trading one hell trap for the next.

So many traps and tricks to my life right now. At least my car is still fine for the moment. I have what seems a safe place to park / sleep at night. I have most of my health (still a bit of congestion hanging around my lungs and nose.) Roughly 6-12 hours of Internet access a day to do my work stuff, fun stuff, and stay fairly current on shows and hobby news. I'm in a place I can shower, there are cuties, and I feel reasonably at peace and that there is still beauty in the world and hope that tomorrow will be a better and happier day. Certainly not ideal, but things could be worse. And I'm grateful for that.

Time passes

Woot. Plenty of time to finish the new menu button, upload all the updated pages, and almost completely redo the cover. The generic paint program saved the cover in a way I didn't want, it compressed it and mixed up colors, so I had to effectively recreate it. As I feared, there wasn't an old school font I was really happy with on the systems, so it will have to suffice for now. It may actually be a bit too old school in design. I went for an 8-bit feel and it does that brilliantly, maybe a bit too much so. And in posting the updated .pdf I accidently gave it the day I entered for week 17, heh. So anyone who reads it between now and Wednesday will be a day ahead of web peeps, hehe.

Killing a touch of time at the class campus. Got about 20 minutes till I go to mini-work. I'm out in the parking lot. I'm good on access for the day. It's actually really warm out, kind of hot. If it's like this tomorrow I'll wear shorts.

I stopped by Target on my way here. It's like two minutes / one block away from the campus I'm normally at. It looks like it will be $10 per photo series, but the person was out and I didn't want to waste time waiting for them to get back. I'll check my budget and see if I can drop two off. I'll try and remember to do it on the way to mini-work tomorrow. I can't manipulate the pictures till Monday, so you peeps couldn't see them before then regardless. If I do them and get them in time for Monday I'll head over early before class, likely shortly after noon and do it then.

Time passes

At mini-work now. My budget, without paying anything to the phone company, allows me to do my oil change, get one box of contacts (which is supposed to be 6 weeks, but I can stretch that to 12 if need be, maybe more), a camera to start picture series 4, two picture series developed, and then I'm tapped out to zero. Sheesh, after the last of the camera purchases and developing costs getting a cheap digital camera may have been the better deal. (These disposables are roughly $7 each plus $10 to develop, so x4 = $68.) I should get money from dad sometime next week. He always sends some for Halloween, so that will serve as a tiny bit of cushion. If I need to pay some for the phone bill I can use it for that. My 'extra' on the next paycheck will go to covering Lich King and next car insurance payment, but then I'm back to squeaking by with no extra for anything at all. But at that point I'll have been homeless for 4.5 months and into week 20, so let's hope I'm doing at least a little better by then.

Sadly with only three weeks till launch the only way I see myself making it in by then to share in the launch fun is by someone either donating a gaming capable laptop to me or my suddenly finding a sweetie who falls madly in love with me who happens to have a home/place with an Intarweb connection who invites me to live with her despite my job troubles. Stranger things have happened, but it is extremely unlikely.

Got chicken tenders for dinner nom. I just couldn't bear the thought of yet another $1 lunch soup for dinner. Kind of expensive at $2.5-3 per meal, but I'll be ok. I have a touch of flexibility in the budget so far to do at least that for myself. No chips though. I wanted to stay as conservative as possible on costs with the trip I made tonight. Tomorrow I'll probably get chips, more soups, and more drinks.

Day 115 - 10/24 - Moar surprise

Cafeteria smells totally yummy. Makes my tummy want to nom a hamburger and fries. Sadly I don't have flexibility to do that. I was considering getting b-fast foods, which I also don't really have flexibility for, but I only just now came out of the computer room at nearly noon.

I actually helped some peeps today. Helped a person I've previously chatted with in the computer room (though he remains conflicted on his choice, heh) and a few others on boards.

I put out an app for the like perfect midway job step for me. It's general office, full time, at $17.50-20.25 to start at a child development center on a college campus. So that uses my previous 5+ years experience in general office stuff, my new child development classes, and it's on a college campus. That would be all kinds of happy as I make my way towards my teaching creds. The close date isn't till mid-November, so I won't hear a reply for quite some time, if I hear one at all. And I expect there will be heavy competition for it, so there may be other peeps with far more experience than me applying.

I decided to tweak my Death Knight talents, so I've got a new ability to add to my hotkey bar. I should probably make a 55 or 60 version, so I know where to start as it were to maximize my abilities. That's it really for news so far. Temperature was fair last night. Slept till 4 with no pants on, then it got too cold so I put on my sweats. Only the one layer there, two up top, so temps overall weren't too bad. I slept a touch more when I got to campus. I think I got maybe 8 total hours. My brain is still fragged. It's all scattered and easily distracted. I totally need a vacation.

Time passes

At mini-work. I may have dinner nom soon even though it's only 6. I'm still totally hungry from earlier. It's way warmer than I guessed. According to a temperature display thing it was 84F not too long ago. I got some sandwich nom for lunch on the weekend. Hopefully the salami I got will survive not being in a fridge. Last week my Pepsis were near fridge temperature. If this heat continues it may be tough to keep them cool. I totally got a good deal on foods. I got $55 worth of stuff for $35. Yeeeaaa for sales. The Chef Boyardee stuff was still on sale (for $1 each), so I got four of them for dinner. That's at least a few dinners that won't have to be lunch soups.

I went to drop a few extra Pepsis off in storage and check my mail. My contacts were already there (ordered on Thursday). So yea for new contacts tomorrow. My ex-roomie/friend was home, she sometimes stays home Fridays and works from home. She ran a test from a different email and that works fine, so hopefully I won't miss future emails. So I chilled with her for about 20 minutes till I left for mini-work. When she opened the door while I was checking mail she was like, "Hi. I have to be quick. I'm not in a safe spot." And I was like, "Are you playing WoW again? hehe" And she was all, "Yeah." I guess she's gotten re-addicted checking out the hunter changes. Seems since our regular server was down she decided to restart the new character on a different one and she decided since she was restarting she'd get Burning Crusade and be one of the new race, the Draenei. She's like level 25 now. No biggie if she sticks with that bod. I can start there or she can move over if we want to group. Because of what I've been telling her I expect she'll pick up Lich King even though she likely won't play Death Knight. No doubt the people I grouped with roughly three years ago all left or changed bodies by now, so I'd have no pre-existing contacts on the server.

I dropped off the first two cameras for developing. The person had no clue what resolution the pictures would be. I don't even know if she knew what I was asking. How can you not know what resolution the digital version is? That's just madness to offer the service and not know that. Hopefully it will be ok. I'm sure if it's not people would have complained long before now. I held off on getting another camera. Safeway wanted nearly $10 and I've seen it elsewhere on sale for closer to $5, so no way I'm paying $10.

Eeemmm... that's it. K thx bye.

Day 116 - 10/25 - You can has pictures

Access at school is basically over. It's about 20 minutes till they close. I didn't do much today. I made one huge post that was really just closing comments and a few more suggestions where I was helping three different people in the thread. Outside of that I really didn't do anything. The boards were all basically completely dead. People are likely playing stuff.

Nothing really going on today so far. I'm chilling at campus for a few minutes. After I'm done with bla bla we are off to get the two picture series that were developed and see about the oil change. I guess I couldn't use a digital camera after all. I forgot most (all?) need software installed to get the pictures which I can't install here on school systems. My check engine light was on last night for five minutes and there was a very faint popping, but again zero change in how the car seems to run and no odd smells. I'm still preying the popping and light are an effect of the oil being super old. I've heard the popping only a few times since the last oil add. If it continues after the oil change I won't know what to do. Last I checked it would be $150 for someone to just look at the computer thing and see what may be wrong. That doesn't count towards repairs. Well, that's out of my hands for now, no way I can afford that.

New contacts today. The old ones were like 2.5 months old. Only supposed to wear them two weeks, so those were about 10 weeks old. I'd forgotten how soft and nice new ones feel. The old ones felt... furry... and rough... odd thing to say about contacts, but there you go.

I guess I'll head back to the car, grab a snack, then do the pictures and oil. I think in the future on Saturday and Sunday I may just chill on campus longer. While there is nothing to do once the library closes, and really noone is around, it's better than sitting in my car in a parking lot.

Time passes

Just checked the printed pictures. Looks like there are like 15 good shots from series one, and ten from series two. Somewhat disappointing considering each camera has 25 shots. It looks like things closer than 5 feet really can't be captured, as they are blurry, and indoors the flash must be used (even though light conditions looked fine to my eyes.) Developing was a bit cheaper than the $18 estimate at around $15 due to some pictures which didn't come out at all. Oil change went ok too. It was super quick, like 1/2 hour. That was like $42. They do think I need to do two fluid change things though at $40 each, not to mention the tires are really getting super bad, which is a minimum of $150 (for two tires, all four would be like $225). The popping hasn't happened yet, but I've only driven about two miles. The tech was puzzled by my description and said they would have to run the tests, which would be like $85 I think he said. I'm hoping it was just a symptom of the oil, as acceleration and drive seem much smoother since the change. More driving is really required before we know for sure.

That's really basically my day. It's now just after 5:45. I'll likely kill time here at Target till around 7, then move a few miles up the road for dinner drive-in theater.

Hopefully the pictures will be good enough resolution and I can clean them up a bit by shifting the contrast and spectrum a bit.

The sun just went down over the hill. It was in my eyes. Hopefully it won't taunt me with a beautiful sunset, as I'm still deciding if I should get a camera immediately or hold out a few days to be closer to when dad's money may come.

It was in the mid 80s again today. A good day for hanging with friends, wearing shorts, and having a BBQ. Good day for staying up a bit late while it cools off and doing a dungeon run or raid. Hopefully some of you rabb1t fans are having fun out there. My ex-roomie/friend was having lots of fun with the Halloween event in WoW. She will likely stay up late and play. She's easily bothered by heat. She showed me her pirate costume when I was over and I saw someone fly in on a broom, hehe. I'm sad I can't join in the fun. I still have the snowman guise from the first Xmas event on my main character. I think the previous Halloween event I did only had food treats, nothing permanent to use throughout the year.

Overall I'm pretty sad today. Sad about not having friends to have fun with on the weekend, for BBQs or movies, or hanging out, or playing stuff with. No lols for me. Sad about not having a "real" job, so I could have a regular weekend. Sad about not having a sweetie, yet more of life slipping away that I'm alone with no sweetie to love and no children to care for - moving closer and closer to that being a permanent thing day by day.

As sad as I am I still hope for a better tomorrow. I still draw breath. Provided nothing goes wrong, based on my granddad's year of death, I should still have roughly 55% of my life yet to live. And it should be warm enough to sleep easy tonight. Though there seems little in my life to be happy about at the moment, as long as these facts remain true I can continue to look forward.

Time passes

No dinner theater, been here an hour. There is some message on the screen. I think they may be experiencing technical difficulty.

Fate seems to have moved me to play a (financial) role in someone's life tonight. I went to get more chicken tenders from Safeway (yeah, I know, I'm having too many lately what with my no fried food tummy) and I went to a different area to get them and stood there long enough to notice someone left two movies from Blockbuster on the counter. I was trying to take them back, but a Safeway peep said she'd put them in the lost and found. I suggested they call Blockbuster to let them know, but that area was closed and no one was around to make the call, so I just walked over and told them. (An employee later went to pick them up.) So phew. Yea me! Someone could have easily stolen them and that renter would have been charged for them. Plus, now they aren't freaking out over losing them.

No movie is lame. Time is going to pass super slow. I would go to the northern hub to watch the golf network, but meh, I'd rather just stay here and save the couple of bucks gas. It's 8 anyways, so even with the raised activity due to the warmer weather I should be safe to 'go to bed' by 11. (I've got just a t-shirt on, no night shirt yet, and no socks, so I expect people will be out doing fun things for a while longer.)

Um... that's it.

Day 117 - 10/26 - Picture code

Having an early lunch at 10:15. I took a super long semi-private shower this morning. All my parts are shaved super smooth. Sunday is the only day it seems noone uses the shower but me, so I've got a tiny bit of semi-private time. It's really the closest thing I have to true private time these days.

About 1 hour and 45 minutes till the little library room opens up. I can take a look at the pictures for series 1 and 2 and set up the page code. I doubt I'll be able to post them today, they would have to be pretty low res to be an immediately useable size. Hopefully they are pretty high res and I can resize them and crop them as I see fit. We'll see. If they are actual size at screen resolution (72 dpi) that would be... serviceable... and I could likely throw the rough draft onto the web today.

That's it really. I don't have any shows, and it's very doubtful there will be any jobs to apply to. I can, of course, enter the past few days of Epic Fail, but that's it for today after that. Guess I'll just mess around with the boards after. Though the pictures, coding, and Epic Fail entering could take a few hours. Oh bother, I can't put the pictures up today without a real program, as I don't want to risk using that generic one to remove the pictures to their web names. Ah well. Better it wait till tomorrow anyways when I can tweak colors and contrast and such where needed.

Kind of slow and tired today. Warming up a bit. I've got my shorts on. It's a good day to play a game and just take things kind of slow, maybe do a raid later in the day after things have sped up a bit.

Sadly for me I only have Epic Fail. At least I know it does serve some purpose. And I suppose, unlike loots, that purpose and value won't change as time marches on. Well, at least I hope it won't lose value over time anyways, heh.

Time passes

I'm outside having the second half of my lunch. I was pretty hungry earlier, but didn't want cereal, so I sort of put my lunch into two halves. Finished everything I needed / could do for Epic Fail and messed around a bit. It's just past 2. Mostly too I came outside to get away from some freak who's been hissing like an upset snake since they opened (two hours ago.) I'm rrreeeaaally hoping he leaves before I go back in.

The picture resolution is... serviceable. It isn't amazing, people with higher res screens couldn't use any for a background as they cap at something like 1500 wide, which is a whacky resolution. I guess it's ok though, as that's like double what I expect I'll use for web or the .pdf. I really doubt anyone would want to see a bigger version of more than about four of the pictures anyways.

For some reason I feel really alone today, like it's been a month since I was last here at school with other students. I have no clue why other than I've been missing my games a lot lately, so there is a greater mental separation of weekdays (when I could only play a little) and weekends (where I could play a lot, and the boards are dead, indicating that's what others are doing.) Maybe I feel a bit shifted as well due to working twice this week. It felt more like a regular job than it does what with my normal shift only being one day. It would be really nice to have regular day hours again. I really hated the 9 PM to 5 AM shift of my last full time one and dislike the 5 PM to 10 PM shift of my current job. I'm so stressed out all the time over everything. If I were a normal person I suppose I'd snap - literally having my muscles yank me apart from the tension, but I've lived under limitations all my life, so I'm used to the constant muscle strain/stress. There hasn't been a time I could really relax much since I was about 12. Back in the day around 2000, when I was first at the ex-house when I had a tiny bit of cash left over from my house sale, no credit debt, I was fairly relaxed. That was likely the closest I've been since I was 12. That only lasted a few years, then the debts started piling up and I started becoming more and more stressed as I discovered I couldn't find a job with my Associates or even anything really because noone wanted me because I was a full time student.

Anyways... been stressed over everything my whole life basically at some level due to lack of money. It's nice to dream of a world I wouldn't have those worries or stress, but it seems so far at least that I will never live in such a world.

Time passes

Didn't really do anything else with the rest of my time. I typed in what there was of today's Epic Fail, but that was really it. Everything else was done. There was zero board movement on the four boards I check these days. Oh, I did manage one application for what sounds like a general office position, but the starting pay is $50k. Yet another city position.

It's 6 and the sun is rapidly setting. I'll try and chill here till it gets pretty dark, maybe as long as 8. I feel... less lonely, less bad, less abandoned, when I'm on campus, so I'll try to spend time here when I can.

I've felt kind of sick the past couple of days. Mostly a touch dizzy, tummy aches, swollen lymph nodes on my neck, headaches, congestion. I hope it's not from a food that isn't being refrigerated. The chicken is new, so I don't have to worry there, but the salami is from Friday.

Hopefully I can try and sleep at my usual 10:30 time tonight. Last night there were people in the lot, so I couldn't get to the spot till 11:45.

It's gotten pretty chilly. I've got an undershirt and house/night shirt and regular pants. Hopefully it won't get too much colder during the night.

Day 118 - 10/27 - Picture upload

Got some tasty breakfast foods. I just came out of the little computer room. I watched Sanctuary, which seems to be getting better at using real sets, so it seems to be shaping up ok. I'll still be surprised if it survives through a second season. It's not a show style/subject that has mainstream appeal. The Unit ran surprisingly clean. Normally it's pretty jerky, but it only really had one trouble spot this time. Haven't seen the cutie Sherri yet. I suppose though she knows where to find me and all if she's interested. Two job/email checks, nothing at either. Despite it being after 10 now it seems there are few Monday posts. Most areas are completely empty.

That's really it. I'll mess around some more, have lunch, then move to the other class campus super early to do the pictures.

I got to the sleeping spot early and passed right out around 10. Thank the gods 'cause I'd totally have stayed home sick if I could. All I wanted to do last night was get into a snuggly warm bed and go to sleep early. I felt so sick. Still feel icky. Bit of a tummy funkiness, touch of an ear ache in both ears, neck lymph nodes still swollen.

Outside of posting the pictures later I have a feeling it will be a very uneventful day from here on.

Time passes

*phew* I finished all the picture series 1 and 2 work. Took a little less time than expected, around 1.5 hours. I was able to just drop the pictures into the .pdf version. Word automatically resized them to the maximum size within the page margins. It is actually better that way, as the size they are is actually perfect for printing. For those who don't know the dots per inch on a screen is only about half of what it is for printing. So for print publication you want a much higher resolution to get the clearest / sharpest image. On the down side that greatly increased the file size. It went from about 1.5 meg to about 7.5 meg. Of course, these days even doubling that for four picture series is still a really tiny file compared to the current download speeds people have. I really need to get a CD and run a backup of my USB changes. I'm getting really nervous I may lose something. Normally I run a backup once a month or after a major update or change, but I haven't been able to do that this whole time.

Halloween Poose is all ready to go. He's a totally cute stuffed animal / basket I got back in the day. He holds the candies for peeps to take. Yeeeaaa for bite sized candies. I don't have a new camera yet, but I'll do that and get a picture for you to peep his cuteness.

It's just past 4:15. I'm going to chill here in the car a bit, then take my dinner to this teeny tiny room to study and eat super early. If I eat before class I have to eat at like 5-5:30. I suppose I could race back to the main campus I hang out after class to eat after. The cafeteria does stay open till 10, so I'd have about a 45 minute window for that after driving. I don't know though. Seems easier to eat 2 hours early instead of 1.5 hours late.

The popping/rattling was back on my way up. I haven't heard it since the change until today when I went faster than 45 MPH. It was pretty bad and loud, but went silent after about two minutes. It still really just sounds like a weird rattle, but not being a mechanic I don't have a clue if it's just an old car noise or if something is broken / loose that shouldn't be. No engine light, so that's something.

Day 119 - 10/28 - Privilege

I'm super hungry. I came right into the cafeteria to nom some breakfast. It's 9. I woke up around 6:20, picked up some Pepsi from storage, got to campus by 7 and fell back to sleep for about 1.5 hours. I left class campus last night immediately after class at 9. I was feeling really super sick to my stomach after 8:45 and wanted to get as much rest as I could. My car was completely frosted from the cold. Between getting to sleep by 10 and my nap I've gotten about 10 hours sleep total. I am feeling better. Not totally well yet, but better than I have been feeling.

No big plans for today. I've got two shows to watch but that's it.

It was really foggy all day yesterday, still is a bit today. Looks like it may rain. I didn't bring my sweater, as I've got a winter/house/night shirt on over a regular t-shirt. I should be plenty warm, particularly if it warms back up to the mid 80s like it did on the weekend. I'd be surprised if it got much over 75F yesterday though, so I doubt I'll see weekend type weather today.

Aaaahhh, breakfast over. Off I go to the little computer room.

Time passes

The cutie Sherri is here. She waved to me after she was here for a bit and saw me. I don't think she's interested though. She may have a boyfriend, though the one that is near to her the most often has never been snuggly or affectionate towards her (or her to him), so I'm still not sure.

I'm hanging in the little room for a bit. It's 11, too early for lunch. Neither of the two shows I watch today are posted last I checked, so I'm hoping maybe they will go up before lunch.

No job listings to apply to. Someone was kind of poopie at me on a board about my troubles. I'm sure they didn't mean to be, or to make me sad on purpose. They mentioned how someone they knew came over from Japan and didn't speak any English and went door to door and got a job and place to live within a month. I didn't say it, but it's like, 'great, thanks for making me feel worse about things.' I can't go door to door around here. Everyone goes through an online application system now. I tried going door to door years ago and I was turned away and told to apply online. The only other places around here, since I'm in the heart of Silicon Valley, are places that won't even let you in the door without an appointment. Plus, I can't help but wonder how privilege and perception affect things. Since I can speak fluent English, since I'm basically a regular looking 'white' guy, I wonder if people think I'm 'damaged goods' or that something is 'wrong' with me because I am in a privileged position (in race, geographical location, and often sex/gender), yet I'm struggling. I also have to wonder if I'm disadvantaged due to wanting to move into high school or college level education or counseling, or child care, as those aren't really professions typically held by guys.

Sherri is nomming foods she got, chicken shapes, and stealing some of the guy's salad she went to the cafeteria with. They are sitting awfully close, but there is no affection - no snuggles or kisses. Could be a brother. Heh, now she's being nice and sharing some nom with someone.

Oooooh they got busted and kicked out again. I think I mentioned how they are talking here every day. That's twice now they got too loud and were booted out. (You aren't supposed to talk in here.)

Moved to the cafeteria. It's 11:20 now and I'm getting a touch hungry anyways. With Sherri booted and my TV shows not up yet there wasn't really any reason to stick around there anyways. I still don't think she's attached to any of them, just a friend, but she's likely too young to be interested in teh rabb1t anyways. Well, she knows where to find me and a few guys know my site, so the opportunity is there and I guess I'll just leave things in her hands and not worry about it.

So... I was talking about privilege and perception, concepts from sociology that you'll hear all about if you take any classes in the subject. I don't know if there is much more I wanted to say about it, but I often wonder if it affects how people view me. I seem intelligent and interviewers always nod their heads and are happy with my interview answers, but I can't help but wonder if they think "something is wrong with me" due to my employment gaps. I'm sure everyone is familiar with that single friend they are trying to hook you up with who describe the person as pretty (or handsome if it's a guy), smart and educated, but still fun and interested in your hobbies, and your first question will always be, "Well, what's wrong with them (if they are so perfect)?" People always assume the beautiful people always have suitors waiting or that good employees always have job offers. While this is true and common with such privileged positions, they aren't absolutes. I've met girls who were beautiful enough to model (in one case in high school the girl I asked out was a model), yet because of the perception of a person in that privileged position people assume things. Like that girl I asked was single most of the time because of the assumption she had a lot of suitors. I am, of course, not claiming I would be a perfect employee, nor that I'm beautiful/handsome by all standards, but I most certainly am quick to learn, have a broad understanding of many things, several types of experiences. I'm (very) youthful looking for my age, fairly cute (though exotic looking), and quite good at relating to and understanding a sweetie. But I can't help but wonder, are the assumptions connected to my privileges of looking young or seeming intelligent, of being a mixed 'white' origin, of living in one of the top 10 most expensive areas in the country (last I heard), do these privileges cause assumptions in others that create a perception I must be mentally or emotionally "damaged" in some way at some base level that make me untouchable because I'm having a hard time? And if so, is this something within me I can change to alter that perception without altering me to longer be me?

Time passes

Killing a bit of time in the cafeteria. I wanted a break from being in front of the computer. I watched Heroes, but Terminator and How I Met Your Mother still aren't posted. I'm tempted to go take a shower, but I think I'll just hold off till tomorrow and do a total shaving of all my parts. I still feel kind of icky in my tummy. Even though I have kind of exceeded my food budget already I think I'll get a hamburger here tonight with lettuce and tomato. The burger by itself (no fries and no drink) is like $3.75, which isn't too bad of a cost for a single meal since I have drinks in the car. I think my poor system really needs a break from what I normally eat. With only one full fast food meal a week lately (or less) I think I may be getting well below the vitamin levels I need. I'll likely lay off the chicken tenders this weekend and get $1 Taco Bell foods for dinner. That has at least some various vegetable type things. I have a few tenders I should eat soon since I got them on I think Saturday. And I'll likely just toss the little bit of salami I have left. I guess I should have stuck with $2 from the deli instead of going for a $4 pack. I figured I'd eat more than I did. Probably get sandwich stuff again this weekend, but that seems so far off right now I'm not going to worry about it. I'm far more worried about the heightened activity levels for parties this weekend. With Halloween being on a Friday it will be a huge party year on both Friday and Saturday night.

Put out a full time and part time application at Stanford, but that's it so far. Oh, I did one yesterday that seemed interesting. I don't think I mentioned it. I forgot exactly what it was, I think a general office type thing with international students, but it seemed interesting because half of the time was over at the main campus for the college I'm taking classes at and the other half were on this campus where I use the computers. heh Not really many postings these two days so far this week, but all three I applied to were on college campuses, so that's happy.

I guess Fallout 3 released, and Little Big Planet releases soon. Yet more games I'm missing out on. Not to mention three or four downloadable games or a new expansion for Eye of Judgment. I don't so much mind missing launch for these, but seeing what I'm missing, not building up money to some day buy it and get re-established to play, that makes me sad.

Day 120 - 10/29 - Frost yourself

The car was completely frosted over when I woke up this morning. It was pretty cold from 4 on. It was fairly tolerable though. I cut up a towel I found that I decided not to use for washing myself as it has a few discolored areas. I used that to block my broken/leak points in my soft top. Weeks ago I was using socks, but they would be wet in the morning, so I changed to plastic bags. The towel seemed to keep things sealed very well and should dry out ok during the day. A ton of other cars were frosted, so it wasn't just me. I suppose that is an ok thing, as it gives me an added layer of protection from being seen.

My Monday shows still weren't posted yet. I was going to leave the room, but Sherri came in. After a bit I sat next to her and flirted. She seems to be single and I offered hugs for good luck (she had a test in a bit), help with class studying (though the class she has is economics, can't help with that one) and offered to make her dinner. I gave her my number and email. I decided against a rabb1t card, as she likely isn't interested and I only have two left. She gave me an email addy for her. I guess I'll wait a few days and email on Friday if I don't see her tomorrow, see how she did on her test (if she knows) and see if any flirting happens. She did kind of scoot her back/side closer to me as she was talking to her peeps. My heart went thumpity thump at the thought of her snuggling up against me. She didn't get that close though, heh. Well, she has my number and stuffs, so I know for sure now she knows how to get a hold of me.

So, since Monday and Tuesday shows haven't been posted I watched some other stuff which wasn't previously online. I watched two episodes of Ghost Hunters, which I love. I don't know how much of the season I will/have missed. Only four are online, so I'll watch the other two either tomorrow or over the next few days.

Tomorrow too I'll give out some of the candies that get left over tonight, keep a few for myself.

It's nearly 2 and I'll be leaving around 3:30 or so to stop at the bank to get monies, to grab a camera, and to grab a blank CD to do a backup on - if I can find one quickly. I'm not entirely sure where I put them.

It would be nice if dad's money came. I'd love to get some non-micro food tonight. I doubt it will be here already though. That would really surprise me.

That's really it today so far. Got a late start due to still feeling a bit sick. Slept in the parking spot till after 8:45. Didn't get to the computer room till nearly 9:30. Peeps were using the systems, so I had to wait a bit. Saw some cuties while I was waiting, updated Epic Fail, flirted with Sherri, watched some shows. Of course I ran three or four job checks. That's it so far really. Boards have been dead lately, oddly both fun and job. Maybe it's due to holiday excitement, making RL plans with friends and family instead of spending time online and such.

Well... um... that's it for now. I likely won't write more till after I've done laundry and changed campuses.

Time passes

Bleh. My day rapidly went downhill after 3:30. You'd think leaving 2.5 hours to do about 1.5 hours worth of stuff would be plenty of time, but apparently not. I left school, stopped at the bank, stopped off to check my stuff for a blank CD, which sadly was not where I hoped, so I've no idea where to get one (from storage). I got a disposable digital camera for effectively the same price as a film one, though developing should only be $5 vs. $9 because there is no film. (The downside is there will also not be a way to modify the negative, like rescan and what-not, as there is no negative.) But I had to check prices and resolution, so that took like 10 minutes on its own. I go up to do laundry after, and for some reason it took nearly 1.5 hours to do under 1 hour of laundry. I don't get why it took so long. So then I'm like late for school, and it's in a special place off campus this week. I look for the place for 20 minutes using the directions and can't find it. Now I'm like 25 minutes late at this point. I'd forgotten how incredibly mad I get when someone gives me directions and I get lost or can't find it. I don't really get mad at much besides that. I've yelled and gotten really mad like four times ever in my whole life. But not knowing where I'm going, getting lost due to someone else's directions, that gets me reeeaaally upset quick. Not sure why. So then I get to the place like 45 minutes late after returning to the class campus to make my own directions, and I've missed the most important part of it. After the special event class I come back to my main campus I do things at only to discover I didn't update my index to let you peeps know I updated the .pdf. (Which I did when I came back to the class campus to print my directions to the special place. I just apparently forgot to upload it.) And I didn't change the version number. So now the version with pictures and week 16 and the version with pictures and week 17 are both the same version number instead of the current version being 0.17.

*sigh* Well, at least I'm ok. At least the car didn't break. (Though there was more popping at the low speeds.) At least I'm still alive and basically the same. Plus, everyone was all happy I brought them candies, hehe.

Having dinner now in the empty cafeteria. Well, about six are here, and there appears to be a special club party being set up, but the library and food area is closed and pretty much all the night students have left or will be leaving soon.

I also don't get why, but my night cloths don't ever really smell good. Some smell ok after the wash, but some smell kind of icky. I guess maybe like chalk? I wonder if it's due to their age. I guess they are about four years old or so? My cammo pants I have are way older and smell just fine. Maybe it's a combination of age and materials. The night/winter shirts were only like $5-10 each, and the tank top that's smelly was like $4. I'd toss them and just get new ones, they are all effectively falling apart to some degree, but I can't afford to replace them all right now.

I so wish I could just restart my life in several ways. Keep my gaming and web site shirts, but swap out all my other cloths for all new stuff. Get placed into a Masters somewhere like UCLA, move down there and set up in a place. Nothing huge mind you, just a little 'loft' would be plenty. (One bedroom place with a kitchen and bathroom and a place to hook up my entertainment stuff and get Intarwebs.) Get a different car, regular top, maybe an automatic. *sigh* It seems like so much to ask / hope for, but it wouldn't likely be all that much. I'd guess around $10k would do it. Of course there would also be my credit debt, another $10-15k depending how much can be "forgiven". (I only built up about $12k, but it went over $15k due to late and overdue fees a while back.) Not counting the $60k in student loans. Lottery would totally cover that though. $10k to set me free is nothing in a big lottery win. That's like four of the six numbers. That typically is $5, but I've seen it get upwards to $25k. And five numbers is typically over $100k. A complete wipe and restart would likely be $85k. It sounds like a fairly huge sum and I suppose it is, but I always wonder. There are lots of jobs at $50k. (The senior office one I placed 17th in was around $45k starting at the higher end.) Pro-Athletes make millions a year. Is it totally unreasonable for me to assume I could find a good job, maybe win some lottery monies, and get my restart? I qualify for stuff in the $35-45k range. Is $50k or more too much to hope for?

*sigh* I suppose it will never happen. I seem doomed to struggle and failure even if I do the things other people do in the way they do them. Even in online life, where people are grouping and stuff I somehow, for whatever reason, still wind up the one who has difficulty getting groups while others have no problems.

I suppose I am the one who takes the pain and burden of others with or without their knowledge. The fragile opposite of the hero. The eternal outsider who was never invited in to begin with. Am I forged of the same stuff as guardian angels? or of monsters?

Day 121 - 10/30 - Haunted house

Lunch time. I'm totally hungry, but tummy isn't at all excited about soup and chips today. It's the same lunch I've had for weeks now. I guess a mixed chips bag would at least have offered different chips. Maybe if dad's money is here tonight I can take tomorrow off as it were and get some cafeteria food to nom.

The special thing being set up last night appears to be a "haunted house". That could be some spooky time fun if it's for teh free. If it costs something I should skip it unless it's for a good cause.

There are a few people in costume, but only a few. I don't know why more don't do costumes at school anymore. It's like these days people grow up and stop imagining and pretending. It's so sad. Don't ever stop imagining, pretending and exploring.

I flirted with Cheri sort of. (That might be how to spell her name, as her email addy starts with a C. I had an ex with the name spelt like that. I was hoping it wasn't the same. If we dated that would be... odd, heh.) I gave her a couple of candies and leaned in close to tell her they were the last. I didn't do anything else though. Gave her space as it were to give it time to see if she responds to my flirting invite or if she isn't interested. Normally I'm super passionate and very affectionate, but not everyone is like that, so unless they immediately respond in kind it's best to give some space. Particularly if you don't know if they are interested.

There is a good sale going on at Amazon - buy three Blu-ray movies and get a PS3 remote for teh free. I could totally go for that, as I've wanted one for some time. And although their movie choice list is small there are three on the list I have been wanting to get. The offer only goes till the 15th, so I don't know if I can eek in on that due to lack of monies. If dad sends more than the usual amount I'd totally get in on that deal. The remote is like $25 normally (no clue why it's stayed expensive so long) so like $50 for three movies and a remote would be super roxor.

I have the 'extra' work shift tonight, so I'll be leaving campus in... about 5 hours. Still a fair bit of time here. I'm still very sad I'm missing happy fun time with friends this weekend. Yet another Halloween time alone with no fun parties to hang out at.

It's super busy in here. It's cold outside, so I think everyone who would normally be outside is inside. Lots of peeps being close to their friends and being all chatty.

Time passes

Heh, good thing the spooky time fun was for teh free. There wasn't much there. There was a total cutie with her guy in line in front of me. She was all hugging him and going 'eek eek' hehe. It was basically just a room cut into three parts by trash bag walls, mostly pitch black, with like three or four people moaning or going "boo" at people. Almost no props or actual 'scenes' at all. It's silly fun though. And at the end I can has cookie.

It's doing a heavy sprinkle outside. Not really rain because it's too sparse, but it's really big drops.

Lots of activity waiting to go in to the spooky fun. Some kind of protest organizing outside, but they are mostly just holding voting signs and listening to a megaphone person.

Um... that's it for now. K thx bye.

Time passes

It must have been raining when I was in the library. The ground outside is totally wet now. I think I'll grab my trench when I go by the house in about 45 minutes. I don't really have any rain gear other than that.

Shortened up the Epic Fail .pdf to about 375 pages from about 408, woot. I cut out page ends at each day, so now it only page breaks per week, like chapters. I suppose that makes it more like the online version in that respect, but that's ok.

Um... oh Cheri was in the little computer room after lunch and smiled and said bye and stuff when she left with one of her guys to get some foods. That's something I suppose.

That's all that's new. Gotta leave for mini-work in about 40 minutes, so one more email check in a bit then off I go.

Time passes

At mini-work now. Just had to share this quick lol with you. I found my blank CDs... in my underwear drawer! lol! I have all my undies and socks with me in my bag, so I must have put them there knowing I'd want quick / early access to them once I got settled again. Too funny I'd forgotten I put them there.

Day 122 - 10/31 - Halloween

Lunch time. Though a bit expensive I got a hamburger to nom. That's odd. Never noticed I had a preference for the lettuce and tomato to be on top. It was on the bottom and it just didn't seem right, hehe.

Put out two resumes so far. One was a research position and one a ticket booth person for the same city I work for now. (Surprisingly at $14-18 to start per hour.) Not sure if I'm qualified for either, but we'll see if I get any callbacks.

Watched Survivor and Supernatural. Only checked one fun board so far today, and inputted yesterday's Epic Fail entry.

That's it so far. It was super rainy all last night. Windy through a good portion as well. It actually was a bit warmer than previous nights due to the clouds trapping a touch of warmth. While it may not be an ideal night for trick-or-treating it would be awesome for parties. Sadly, as mentioned, there will be no parties for me. Gonna have to kill some time after mini-work before I go to the sleeping spot. It actually wouldn't surprise me if it were blocked till midnight. I'll try and not check before 11. It should be ok, as most parties will be tomorrow, particularly for the younger kids. (Which I'd guess a church would more likely cater to.)

Um... that's it so far. Nothing else to say what with it being Friday and things quieting down, particularly since many seem to be leaving earlier than normal due to rain and the holiday weekend.

Time passes

It's warmed up a bit. The rain seems to have blown away. The breeze is actually a touch warm. Should be ok for peeps to trick-or-treat later.

Not many left on campus. It's around 3. I'll be leaving for mini-work in about 1.5 hours, but there really isn't anything to do. Fridays are normally slow, but today is even more so due to the holiday. Well, at least I got out two resumes, that's something. I expect a lot of the basket ball guys won't show up tonight either what with taking their younglings out.

I hope everyone is having fun. I never really belonged to a crowd that did parties growing up, so I've missed out. I should still have plenty of life left to go to parties, but I don't know if I will ever find the RL friends to invite me. Back in 1999 when I started college I figured I could get connected with a new circle of friends, maybe find a sweetie, but for whatever reason I've never found any friends in that time. And, despite my trying, I've never found a sweetie either. Not even a single date or hug from a potential sweetie. I just don't get it. It's like if you fall out of a circle of friends it seems really impossible to get into a new one. And it seems people are only really looking for friends in high school or earlier. I don't know, maybe I'm doing something "wrong" consciously or subconsciously. People only ever seem interested in forming temporary friendships or comradery if it serves their interests. I haven't found anyone interested in inviting me to just play and have fun in what seems like forever. And that makes me sad.

Day 123 - 11/1 - Steampunk

I'm nearly out of library access time. It's 3:30 and I'm just scribbling some thoughts while I'm still here.

I got wind of a local Steampunk convention last night through a local paper. They have a site - http://www.steampunkconvention.com/ - but there isn't much there. It's basically right at the other hub. I haven't spent the gas to go there since I think school started over a month ago, but it is certainly close enough to go see what I can see. The ticket price is $70, so I doubt I'll get to see anything for free. But with nothing to do after the library closes I may as well take a look.

I chatted with the librarian guy who is here. He saw me all summer, and he has seen me a lot here so far. He's pretty friendly and chatty towards me. I mentioned the con to him, as it's this weekend, and he is gaming both days. We talked about gaming a bit, pen and paper D&D for a bit, and I gave him a rabb1t card in case he needs any PC help. Seems like a friendly guy. He did have some laptop troubles he asked me about, so maybe I helped already, hehe.

Um... did a price check for my system builds. Snuck in some video watching for this week's Clone Wars and an episode of Ghost Hunters. Looks like I'm half a season behind there.

Oh, I did also get the Thursday shifts at work again for the next two weeks, so that's something. I need to keep some of it to cover for Thanksgiving though. I think they are closed that Friday (and Thursday, obviously), so one of those two 'extra' shifts will cover that missing day.

That's really it so far. Maybe I'll have to make a report after I peep the con. Maybe you can has pictures.

Time passes

The convention was a great little island refuge among the chaos of modern life. Pretty much everyone was in costume. I'm guessing this was due to how it was advertised. Since I didn't hear about it until it was happening I'd guess only the super hardcore knew about it - those who already had costumes and gear. I was greeted by a registration desk right as I entered, but they said I could peep the dealer's room. It was a fairly small hotel from what I could see, likely just big enough for a few hundred. From the entrance you could hear the people in the dealer's room just off to the side and those just above on a second level. You could hear music, sort of a Victorian style with a hint of oriental influence - very appropriate to the theme. There was something set up right there in the middle of the hotel. It looked sort of like a steampunk bar. I didn't inspect it too closely, as being an unregistered person I was an outsider. To the left of some stairs there was a stage coach. (Got a pic of that.) Looking up the stairs there were various gadgets from (got a few pics of them too.) Those may have all been from what looks like an independent film, Rex Barrett and the Eye of God. Inside the dealer's room there were mostly costumes, some dealers had goggles and nick-nacks. Weta Collectables was there with some of their more fanciful gadgets. The people were friendly and kind, and I could tell not just because they were dealers. I've done a few cons in my day and this is an effect that the smaller cons have. Everyone seems more friendly, more outgoing, more social, a higher level of connectedness seems to be in the air. One of the ladies at a dealer selling Girl Genius graphic novels said she liked my trench. At least I think that's what she said, hehe. It was kind of hard to hear in there even though it was one of the smallest dealer rooms I've been in. I'd guess there were 16-20 vendors, with a few set up outside the actual room. My advice to those new to conventions is to visit the dealer's room several times. Travel different paths and go with different people. You will notice different things each time. Glancing at the schedule there seemed to be about 10 panels / activities per day, two at a time in different rooms. Overall there was a very slow paced 'hello, how are you doing' feel to the whole convention. I snuck around a bit on the second floor, but there really was only one vendor on that level, a room for a panel, and hotel room access. I could always hear the music and overall it felt like I'd come into a town off a long and arduous trip. There were people in their finery talking amongst themselves while I was in my dirty trail cloths - just allowed a brief stop in a small township full of gentle folk, good food and drink for a price, and enchanting music. I wanted to kick off my boots, soak in a hot bath, then join 'em for a spell once I was all cleaned up all proper like.

But now... now I'm back on that dusty hard trail. The rain pouring down on me, threatening to blow right through my back cover, occasionally doing just that. I have to beat it closed again before too much rain gets in. It's cold today. The wind bites as it whips through and claws to pull the warmth from you when it doesn't. I wanted to stay on that small island, greet those kind townsfolk, get to know 'em for a spell, but I couldn't. I don't have that luxury. It's the hard road, the cold rain, and the dusty trail for me. Just a brief glimpse of a civilized life is all I get now. Fate's put me on this trail and I'm not allowed to stop.

Day 124 - 11/2 - Swollen eye

It's morning time, nearing 10:15 new time. I guess we had the roll back last night, as my phone time was different from my car clock early this morning when I moved.

Last night got pretty crazy. Lots of heavy rain and wind through the evening, mild and light rain but no wind through to the morning. I also got an irritation in my left eye. Like a big dummy head I rubbed it a lot. It was swollen pretty bad from the irritation and my rubbing. I had to take out my contact for most of the evening. This morning it's still red on the outer half and still noticeably swollen. I can't feel the irritation, so whatever it was must have gone away. After I did the rubbing I flushed it out a bit with saline solution - something you should do if your eye gets irritated. Don't rub it, heh.

Today the rain seems gone. The birds are happily chirping. And while not quite cold anymore it isn't quite warm yet. Maybe it will get there in the later part of the afternoon.

Dawn has come and gone, now bordering on a new day. The scourge of the storm now only a memory, and the sky shines bright and clear for the new day.

Time passes

I looked up at my roof just now to discover the rain and cold penetrated all the way through. There were little droplets everywhere threatening to come down on me. I've moved my car into a sunny parking spot for the time being. Touching the inside roof it's a bit warm, so it should dry out fairly quickly since it seems to be holding the heat. However, since I'll be here over 6 hours, I think I should choose a spot that is a compromise. There are some that get a fair bit of sun, yet are still covered by the structure, so in like half an hour when I go to wait outside the library I'll move again. That way I'm covered if it rains while I'm inside. In that spot I should get warmth to dry out and coverage. I may have to make this row/area my new parking spot for the winter. Though if I do I'll lose a lot of my ability to nap post shower as this bank of spots faces the morning sun, and it is a fair bit noisier being on the second floor as you can hear cars on the nearby freeway.

Time passes

I just ate. It's after 7:45 now. I didn't really do anything too out of the ordinary in the computer library room. I read some more Girl Genius, watched another episode of Ghost Hunters, the last of the ones which are currently posted that I haven't seen, checked email a few times, made a thorough check of job stuff, as usual nothing really posted over the weekend, checked fun boards, also as usual dead there too, and that's it really.

My eye is mostly fine now. We are nearly 24 hours past outbreak and it's only a touch pink and touch swollen. The swelling doesn't bother my vision and contact so much as it just feels... well, I could certainly use tending and kisses there to make it feel better. It doesn't hurt or anything. It's just all boo-booed.

No money from dad yet. Hopefully I'll get that soon. If it's what he usually sends that plus my pay should zero me out after getting the Lich King and going to see Madagascar 2. I've got two fancy / full fast food meals budgeted, a minor boost for dinner before the movie, two sets of developing film, and another camera (should I need it). But, that's it for "luxury items". Looks like I won't be able to make the Blu-ray PS3 remote deal at Amazon without some kind of surprise. And if dad sends less than he normally sends I'm screwed. (Though I can shift some stuff, sacrifice a few items, and be ok if it's half of normal.)

I was on a system that allowed me to run a backup disk, so that's a relief. Like I said I normally do that once a month, but haven't this whole time. So until today none of my resume changes were saved, none of Epic Fail was backed up, none of my new Home Entertainment page was backed up. But now that's all taken care of, phew. I have a second disk to run another backup at the start of December, but I'm really hoping I can get re-established by then. I'm still hoping I can somehow get at least partly re-established to play Lich King at launch, but it's looking like the only way that would happen at this point is if someone invited me into their home. I'd either have to make a fast friend or find a sweetie. Not impossible, but very unlikely within the next 1.5 weeks.

With the time shift it's darker and colder now. It's just now past 8:15 and it is really dark and fairly cold. I can likely use this as an elemental shield. I actually got in to the sleeping spot at 9:30 on Saturday. I figured if it was clear there would be no travelers. What with it pouring down rain and my car soaked there was zero chance of anyone seeing me inside, and effectively zero chance of travelers, let alone ones moving slowly enough with a curiosity to peep in my car. For the remainder of winter I'll likely go closer to 10. Wednesday seems to be the only risk night, and I think I've determined that group always meets on the first or second night of the month, so I'm always ready to turn away on those nights.

I always hope for change for the better, but in the meantime at least I can count on a reliable spot, people with predictable patterns, and seem 'safe' for the moment. At least there is that. Fate seems to keep holding me back for some reason, and honestly I do keep seeing and doing things I wouldn't if I were re-established - things I then pass on to you or others I meet in my travels. At least I know Fate has a purpose and I'm following its path. With that knowledge I suffer ever forward towards my unknown destination.

From the journal of ex-Marshal Gabriel Steel,

Lightning is being a might bit skittish, so I've pulled us off the trail for a spell. He's a young fella, so named for his coat. He's not ready for such a long and worrisome journey, but he was the best the lil' township had that I just passed through. I don't recollect the name, but I've marked it on my map should I come back this way again. I wonder how he's gonna feel when I brand him with the protective runes and symbols once I get a chance. None too happy I fear. Then again, had Nightmare had that protection... well, her insides wouldn't have been torn out like they were. A specter that can make a mare just about explode, well, that's one powerful spook. I don't expect I'll enjoy our next encounter none too much, but somethin' that powerful can't be allowed to roam free. Hopefully my supplies will hold. I asked the blacksmith for a dozen iron rounds, a request I recon he weren't too familiar with. When I asked for a dozen silver as well he just thought I was joking. The rod iron bowie is good for keeping some ghosts at bay, but sometimes you just don't want to be that close. Salting and burning bones to banish 'em for good can't go quick enough in some cases. Rock salt rounds in a shotgun work just as well, but normally I just carry my rifle and my colt. The shotgun typically stays with my horse. Now with the wolves, well the rifle does just fine with silver rounds and the added gadget that gives 'em that electrical kick. If they don't go down right away that little jolt may just shock 'em long enough for you to pop off that next round. Maybe someday I can afford one of them thar gas powered speed loaders, but them suckers really kick up the weight. Only so much you can do when noone believes the stories you tell. Silver rounds for werewolves, rod iron rounds and bowie for ghosts, blessed rounds for vampires, special runes and blessings on my colt to kill those demons, and on my duster to keep me from being possessed... well it either puts the fear of God into a fella or they think a might bit too much trail dust got up in yer brainpan.

It's gettin' dark. I better set up my protection for the night and try and get some sleep. I'm still not sure what artifact that spook is using to keep itself going, nor which caravan it may have traveled in. I'm on a long and lonely road, but when noone believes you there isn't much you can do but protect 'em from what they don't believe.

Day 125 - 11/3 - Croissant

I had a tasty croissant for teh free. Someone left one in the little computer room sealed in a plastic bag. Yum. Haven't had one of those in forever. I don't understand why anyone would toss perfectly good food aside like that. Teh Intarwebs were down for about 1/2 hour, but I've done a couple email and job checks and checked my fun boards. It's sunny, but a fair bit chilly today. Cheri came in to the room before I left, but I just got a friendly wave and a smile. It's about 10:45 and I'm probably just going to look at / dabble with some assignments I need to do until I have lunch.

I'm kind of tired today. Both my eyes are sad from irritation, though mostly it's just my left eye. I think I'm sad about all the fun I missed last weekend. Visiting the con was cool, but it would have been so much better if I could have actually attended. Also sad to hear about the fun people had doing various Halloween things I did not do. It just makes me miss having friends and a sweetie.

I'll try to remember to drop off the camera for series three on my way to class. Hopefully dad's money will get here soon and I can pick that up before the Wednesday night update. It would be sad to have to wait till next Monday to post them. I think though series three is just mostly random stuff. I don't recall anything super interesting or critical on that roll. Guess we'll see.

Time passes

About 3 now, had a snack, well just a drink, and did a hand written version of a paper I need to do. In about 1.5 hours I'll be off to get some gas, drop off the camera for developing, and see if dad's money has come yet.

I'm a sssaaaddd bunny at the moment. My tummy has been very sad I can't get any of the tasty food I've been smelling in the cafeteria today. My mind is sad because I know I can't deviate from the budget I set by much, which really doesn't allow for any cafeteria food purchases save for maybe one very small one per week. And my heart and soul are sad, as I always see and hear the interactions of friends and lovers around me, yet I have none of my own.

Day 126 - 11/4 - Historic vote day

Bit of a late lunch. It's just after 1:20. I got a bit of extra sleep when I got here, so I didn't get out of my car till 9:15. I watched Terminator and the Unit, checked email, checked jobs, got out an app for a part time teacher / tutor type position, dropped off my backup disk in my fireproof box in storage, voted, and checked for dad money. Sadly no money yet, but I didn't expect any at that time of day. I picked up a minestrone soup for lunch, lots of yummy veggies there, and should dad's money not come today (mail usually gets there around 3-4) I have some kind of stew soup. About $2.50 for the two soups, so a touch more expensive than my usual $0.60 soups. Poor sad tummy is so tired of the regular soup for lunch and dinner though. I'm kind of screwed if his money doesn't come through though. Tomorrow all I have to eat is a few handfuls of cereal. I guess I'll have to get a soup if his money doesn't come, but I'm down to my last $2-5 in my account, which is not good.

In worse news the check engine light came on last night on the way 'home' and has not yet gone out. There are still no smells or odd behavior. The poppity pop persists sometimes, but that's it. The mechanic said if no systems seem affected it likely won't kill the car, whatever it is, and they would have to hear the noise to even make a guess what is wrong. If the noise is what's wrong. Again, that will cost $85 for them just to look at it, which I don't have, let alone the money to fix any problems they may or may not find.

Tons of peeps in here in the cafeteria. I think many are here for the voting coverage that's running. Pretty big deal for us as a country if Obama wins. Those who voted should be proud to say they lived through probably one of the most historical votes certainly in recent times. Normally I don't care much for politics, but this one is a biggie.

Um... that's it so far. Well, I saw Cherri and she did a smiley and wave again, but obviously nothing will happen there, so that's not worth reporting every time, heh. Possible impending car doom, historic vote, um that's really it.

Time passes

Dinner time. It's like... can't see a clock. Sometime just short of 7. I got my stew like soup, the last Pepsi, and someone left three somethings. They look like a mix of an apple and a tomato (which I'm pretty sure is impossible, heh). I tried one, but yyyuuuccckkk. Whatever it is, it isn't ripe.

Since our last chat I watched Supernatural and read some more Girl Genius. I put out two applications for positions at Stanford, but there will be heavy compeition for those.

I'll probably spend most of the night here in the cafeteria watching voting coverage because I have nothing else to do, heh. I doubt I'll hear a final verdict before they close at 10.

Time passes

I guess I will be here long enough. The polls just closed (at 8) and they are saying Obama has a big enough lead he can't lose. Go us for change. About time, heh.

Time passes

Super cold outside now. It's 9:20. The cafeteria is closing soon. I got soup for tomorrow so I don't have to worry about that when I'm hungry. I've only got like $1 left total. Eeek! My eye doctor hasn't charged my card yet for the contacts I got a while back, so I've got about a $32 buffer for the moment. If that holds till Thursday that would be great, or tomorrow if dad's money comes. I hate being totally out of money. It will still be a sad day even if his money does come. I've only got a few handfuls of cereal, two soups, and I picked up some candy on sale, so I've got a small snack now and then. No drinks, no big snacks, no alternate food, certainly zero potential for cafeteria food or fast food meals. Well, dad money or no tomorrow I get my pay check Thursday, so at least if I have to be hungry and sad Wednesday I'll be ok and have options on Thursday. Of course I do have the 'extra' shift, so my options will be somewhat limited unless I waited till after work to eat, which is really not an option as I'd be way too hungry that late in the evening.

Been sad times for me lately. I guess that's all for now. K thanks night.

Time passes

Something to report I suppose. I saw Kelly on the way off campus. I'd actually seen her once or twice earlier. She didn't see me as it were. I don't think I've seen her since I gave her the gifts. She didn't recognize me. She looked right through me as she would anyone else she simply saw around campus. Her friends haven't approached me either. I suppose it's fine. After all the closest one in age is, I believe, 13 years younger. I do act, think, and feel a lot younger than I am, but not quite as young as the average age of the people in her group.

It seems odd though. Odd that Fate would move me so much to approach her when I had a feeling nothing would come of it. Odd Fate would move her to pull me out of being shy to be with her and her friends. Odd that I would, due to a conversation with her, giver her things I'd been saving. Odd that I then don't see her for weeks and those bonds that seemed to be possibly starting faded away into the shadows. Odd that she doesn't seem to remember me at all, and that her friends don't either. Her kindness and closeness has rekindled my hope in finding a sweetie and friends, but was that really all Fate wanted from the exchange? Are there effects from it I may never see or know? It seems odd I'd be moved so much to have the result fade so quickly. Maybe it was just a big push for me and that's all it would be. Fate certainly works in odd ways sometimes.

It makes me sad to be seemingly forgotten so quickly, yet I know so many (other) things I've said and done for people will last a lifetime.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008, 2009
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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