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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 16: Different Paths

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 2 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 3 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 4 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 5 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 7 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 8 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 9 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 10 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 11 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 12 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 13 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 14 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 15 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 16 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 791

Day 5531 - 8/23 - Way too hot, again

Today it is way too hot, again. Of course the library was so cold I had to put on my hoodie, but the day started at 75F and got into the mid 90s. It's becoming early evening and I am in my car pouring sweat. I've actually sweat ruined what I'm wearing today, and I just got a chance to wash everything a week ago, so it was all nice and clean.

I had a super fun time with my old shooter, as it has a new season that started Tuesday, so it's been super fun so far. And the drops are frequent enough that I don't feel like I'm wasting my time, so that is something.

Oh, there was my birthday on Sunday. I got some surprise game money, and some on Monday, so I was able to get two super fun birthday games pre-ordered. One is coming out in a few weeks, and the other is the next expansion for my old shooter, which doesn't come out until February, but that is all set up and I don't have to worry about it now. So that is super great as those were the only 2 games coming out that I wanted. There is also my MMO expansion which is usually April or June. But besides that everything else on my wish list are things I'm waiting to get on sale, so they aren't priority need things.

So I guess today and the past couple of days have been actually good, save for this returning extreme heat. Which is even extra weird after it was raining pretty hard for about 30 minutes yesterday. That doesn't happen here in summer.

Day 5532 - 8/24 - Very tired

Today I am very tired. I couldn't sleep until probably 3 last night, so again I'm running on very little sleep.

Really today was pretty normal save for the last hours. There was this lady, and I think she was the one this happened with before, who sat at my table and then constantly was clearing her throat and doing small coughs. I left a bit earlier than I had intended to and told her as I was packing up that she really shouldn't be in public if she is sick. And she was like, 'oh, it's just a little tickle in my throat.' And I was like, 'no, if that were true you'd take a cough drop and get it under control very easily,' which she wasn't doing. And I'm pretty sure she was the one I went through this with months ago, doing the exact same thing. It's like, lady if you have that for months it's not 'just a little tickle.' If she tries to sit at my table again I'll be like hell no go somewhere else.

Besides that lady I guess today was ok, though my eyes had the not focusing issue most of the day. But this time it was my up close vision, which hasn't happened before, and I couldn't read what was on my screen. I'm going to see about calling after I do this writing and maybe get an appointment. I did a quick check online and found a list of what my coverage should cover, so it should be fine save for the $20 visit fee.

Day 5533 - 8/25 - Maybe over the counter

Today I looked up some over the counter vitamins and found some for 50+ guys which specifically references 4 different vitamins that are supposedly helpful for vision issues. When I remember to get it I'll try taking that. I don't really expect to see change in less than probably 3 days, so I'll keep trying for maybe a couple of weeks before setting them aside (for when I'm sick and need boosting.)

The reason I'll try that is that my guess was right in that there are no appointments for 2 months. And since vision counts as something that should be done quickly, they refuse to set me up an appointment and say I have to visit the emergency room, where I guess they would immediately do blood work and an initial check. Though even if I did do that it could still be weeks to a month before I would apparently be able to see a doctor and get any kind of medication based on the results. So not only do I not want to spend what would likely be all day to get seen, but I would bet it wouldn't be covered by my free insurance. So I'll try the over the counter booster daily vitamins and see if that works. Maybe in two Mondays from now if there is no change I'll visit the emergency room and see what they say it would be in estimated time and cost. (It's a holiday so everywhere I could pretty much be would be closed.)

Other than that I guess the day was pretty regular. I did set up classes for next quarter which starts in, I think, almost exactly a month. Both are online, so I can do them whenever. It would be a bit strange to hang out in the cafeteria with just online classes, but school is my best option on where to be for internet, bathroom, and microwave, not to mention showers in the morning if I want. But that is still probably a month away, which even in my unchanging homeless life can be a long time.

Day 5534 - 8/26 - Once a day

Today I took the first once a day vitamin. I don't know that anything has noticeably changed, but I didn't expect to (literally) see any difference until probably 3-7 days, so I guess we'll hopefully see in the future.

Funny thing happened today too. The card game that I haven't played in probably a year started this new "standard" play format and banned something like 400 cards from use in that format. It's weird that I left due to things feeling quite stale, then in the same week I go back to the previous card game, I find that news. So, I re-downloaded and checked things out, and I'm not sure I'll return to my more recent one. My older game seems more fun, interesting, and easier to get in and play casually. I'll still continue to try the more recent one before fully deciding, but I expect I'll just stick with returning to the older one if I return to either.

Not much really for today other than that. I am super ridiculously tired.

Day 5535 - 8/27 - Slight improvement

Today I would say I noticed a very slight improvement in my vision. There was no up close blindness, but with that only happening twice ever, and in the past few days, I can't say for sure if the two are related. But at no point did my distance vision seem noticeably bad. It's not great overall. It's not as clear as it was in my pre-35 days. But I don't know if that is due to my recent issues or if that is just a general weakening of my vision overall as I age. (Colors seem less vibrant, and overall things seem to have a constant slight blur.) My grandpa had either two or three eye surgeries before he passed, with the first probably when he was around 70, but I never knew what they were for.

I am a little more worried today though, as I watched a diabetes video and it mentioned a gradual vision loss caused by that which could become permanent. But it also said that adult onset can be reversed with diet and exercise, so that seems hopeful.

The thing is that I don't know if there is an issue with my eye parts not processing things correctly due to an absorption or conversion issue, or if it is an issue caused by something like diabetes. I could certainly try to greatly reduce my soda and try to at least do low impact exercise. But, I can't really get full control over either due to my sad life.

But as always I am trying what I can with the once a day pills. And in a bit we'll see if that helps. And maybe too I'll try to cut back on soda, though I'm not really at a heavy use point in my life. I probably have 3-4 on average in a 24 hour period. But I'll see if maybe I can reduce that to half. It's possible my age is altering what I can handle. Though the diabetes video mentioned when they test things it's over a three month average, so it may be much longer to see any results from that change compared to the pills.

Day 5536 - 8/28 - Tired Monday

Today I expect I'll be pretty tired. I've continuously lost a lot of sleep lately. I don't know if school will be open for showering. Usually it closes for a month by now, but last week it seemed more active than ever. It's possible the sports teams are getting ready extra early because they were shut down completely for the past few years.

As always all I can do is hope for the best.

Day 5537 - 8/29 - Nearly summer's end

Today I am sad we are nearing summer's end. The time seems to have flown by. I originally thought I might do some drawing practice, I could see many warm days, and I would feel awake, alert, and maybe a bit at peace. Instead this summer has been mostly cold and gray, only really becoming warm in the last few weeks. I've been overly exhausted by a number of factors. And more than ever I've felt alone, tired, unwanted, and old. I know most of that is just my perception, but since I don't interact with others, especially younger people on campus like back when I was a T.A., there are no outside thoughts or opinions to change my mind. I do sometimes post stuff on a few social groups, but it's not really the same. And often times those posts just further validate that things seem to be what I think.

But I am not yet dead. I should still have, hopefully, 33 more years left, more if I am extremely lucky. Which is about 60% of all I've lived so far, so that will hopefully be quite a bit more left to live. But I worry about the quality. I am no longer young. And the older I get the further I get from being young, or around young people. And it seems everything I have valued or wanted in my life are tied to things for those who are younger. My happy memories all come from times before I was 30. (Which, I suppose technically over 20 is not so "young".) I fear while I may yet still have a lot of life left to live, I may just continue to be the outsider, the unwanted one, the alone one, never experiencing things for myself, always just an outsider looking in.

Week 792

Day 5538 - 8/30 - Missing a lot of food money

Today I am fixated on where a lot of my food money went. Back during the apocalypse they bumped us up a bit and so it just kept piling up. I had somewhere around 850 last I checked a few months ago (with a high even higher than that), but at the start of this week I happened to check and it showed it was down at 350. So seemingly around 500 total just went poof over the past few months. Now, yes, that would be normal if there was no incoming money, but there should have been. I should have gotten just over 250 a month, which is what I'm used to spending, so my money should still be hovering around 650 and 850 depending how recently the incoming money was. So I don't know. My somehow not getting it for the past two months makes the most sense to me since my spending more than double or possibly even tripled my spending. I'd have noticed that. And even though the website only tracks one month, it's barely over what I normally would spend for the past 30 days. I expect it would be a few days before the person figures out what is going on and gets back to me. At my normal rate of spending I'll be fine to the end of September, but I do need to know if the extra is coming back or not.

I guess my day was pretty regular other than that. I did decide to try and experiment of not having sugar in the morning and seeing just how long it would be before my vision started to shift. I guess the experiment showed maybe my diet isn't related. I know one day isn't a good sample, but within 2 hours of getting up, only having a part of a bagel and some water, my vision was already starting to shift in the ways it had in days before. Though I would say my once a day pills do seem to be making a minor impact. The times my vision is more clear seems a bit more than before. I'll watch what happens and keep mental track as time goes on.

Day 5539 - 8/31 - Supposedly spent it

Today I got word back from the benefits person. According to him he can see all the money things in my account and he says I have gotten my regular payments, and I have just used up that extra. I have to trust him, as I can only see the past month and don't see deposits. I still find it improbable that I've spent an extra 75-100% on food over the past 2-3 months. I mean, sure, I've had some extra fancy foods and some unusual desserts, but those are maybe $15-20 a week, so where would the other $15-30 a week in spending be? I don't get it, but it must be right since he can see all the things. Plus there isn't anything I can do if it's not right. I'll just have to be more mindful of what I spend.

The day went pretty quickly. I did mostly a different game, so that helped things feel a bit different. It was a pretty good day. I also got word from dad and got the card he sent late, so there is a little bit of money to spend on gas and stuff, so that's good.

Day 5540 - 9/1 - Like a lump in the tummy

Today there isn't much to talk about other than my lunch and dinner food feels like a clay lump in my tummy. It's not great, but I know in a few hours it should clear up.

I'm pretty tired, though I did get to sleep quickly last night, so hopefully I can again tonight and maybe I can recover and be restful in the coming nights.

Day 5541 - 9/2 - Freezing

Today was pretty freezing. Outside started in the mid 60s, and I don't think it would have gotten much warmer. It was extremely gray and cloudy all day, looking like it would start pouring rain at any minute. In the library it was even colder. I really don't know why their temperature is so off. I was almost shivering and was wearing all my layers before noon.

I guess the day was pretty good other than that. I've been having fun in my new role playing game, but lately I've gotten some extremely frustrating parts in combat where I'm repeatedly getting wrecked or barely eking through. I may have to completely redo my character, which you can almost always do out of combat, or turn the difficulty down.

I guess Monday is a holiday, so tomorrow will be normal and then I will probably be freezing outside on the next day, so hopefully I hang on ok in the days to come.

Day 5542 - 9/3 - Still freezing

Today I was still freezing in the library. I guess I should consider putting on at least some winter layers because this is ridiculous. I should not have pants, a shirt, a long sleeve shirt, my hoodie, and underwear, on and be shivering inside a library. That is just stupid cold.

My day was pretty good other than that. I tried to have a bit less soda and my eyes were still pretty bad most of the day. I doubt I can control it with diet because thinking about the fact that this has been around for years that means it's been peaking at its worst in times when I've had school, and thus was likely at an overall much lower level of sugar in my system due to being able to have micro foods. I know when I checked my favorite spaghetti a few days ago it showed almost no sugar. I don't know what lunchmeat has in comparison, but I'd guess it's much higher. Anyways, I am a bit sad today since seemingly nothing I seem to be able to control for seems to be helping. At least not in the short-term.

Day 5543 - 9/4 - Maybe hospital

Today I may visit the emergency room to see if they can do the blood test stuff. I'm still extremely doubtful that it will be both affordable and something I can do in fewer than half a dozen hours. I guess there is no real harm or loss in time if I try what with everywhere I'd want to be being closed. If it's bad news and I do just walk away, It's probably not much more than a day's worth of gas.

Day 5544 - 9/5 - Hopefully warmer Tuesday

Today hopefully the weather will be turning back to warm from the low 70s and extremely rainy looking that it has been. And maybe there has been some kind of issue at the library and the temperature won't be freezing.

As always all I can do is move forward as best as I can, one day at a time.

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