Day 5587 - 10/18 - Suddenly hot
Today I guess the weather app was right. It has rapidly spiked in temperature. According to the weather app it peaked at 88F. I guess it will disappear as quickly as it came, because by Sunday it's supposed to be back to barely reaching 70F.
My health in general feels just about the worst ever. My heart feels congested, weak, surrounded by yuck, and in general bad feeling nearly all the time. Beats are so quiet I almost can't feel them at all. Unless I'm scared, which again things have changed a bit lately, so at random times during the day or night my heart can start racing and I become panic attack feeling. Then after I calm down, which can take hours, I can still sometimes feel shaky. My blood pressure is very terrible I'm sure, which makes me feel terrible overall.
A super fun game expansion I got lately made me very sad with a new ending. During the game your character gets super powerful. They are kind of a superhero in ways, but they are doing jobs on the street and get very powerful and famous. In the new ending all of that is lost. They are effectively completely stripped of everything, and now are weaker than a normal person. Being in a coma for 2 years most of the people you met and interacted with have moved on. Some blame you for things going badly, in some cases falling very low, as your character was 'their light'. It has a very 'ravaged by cancer and could die at any second even after a successful surgery,' feel to it. It hit me very hard because in a lot of ways that's how I feel now (with my health being so bad.) I don't really know if I will make it to a recovery. All I know is how bad, fragile, and low I feel at this moment. And how even though death follows me everywhere, there is little to nothing more I can do to help my recovery.
Day 5588 - 10/19 - Play day
Today was really just a play day. I did check in on an assignment, but I have to wait for others to do it to respond. I know it's not true, but it feels like it's been weeks since I had a time where I could just play all day.
I was, and still am, extremely hungry today. I was so hungry I went to get an extra food snack from the cafeteria at 4. It was like 95% shut down. I was like 'wait what? Don't you close at like 5?' Apparently they shut down part at like 2:30 and another part at like 3:30, and after that it's just whatever is left over and the salad area. That seems really dumb. I guess it shouldn't surprise me though with effectively removing all night classes.
I did notice I could see better just for a bit after eating. Looking it up eating does reduce blood pressure. So that is a very hopeful sign my vision should eventually clear up once I'm on meds. How much, and how much will it help my other health issues? I guess only time will tell. And that might be a much longer process.
Day 5589 - 10/20 - Quick day, sick day
Today felt like it passed pretty quickly. I remember early lunch time, lunch time, afternoon, late afternoon, but I guess it all seemed to pass quicker than it should have.
The connection was being super dumb. I got dropped a dozen or more times during the day, and probably lost a full hour it was completely dead. It's ridiculous that after more than 5 years they finally upgraded the system and it still does that, for seemingly no reason and the connection just goes to garbage.
I felt pretty bad and sickly too. Not more congested, but certainly still congested. And overall I felt weak and bad, and very irritable in mood. I had a bad acidic congested feeling too. Maybe not around my heart, because it felt more central in my chest, so probably the upper tummy area. But my heart did still feel very bad and weak.
Day 5590 - 10/21 - Glitched connection
Today the library still had a glitchy connection. It probably disconnected me a dozen times in the first 45 minutes, so I just gave up playing what I was playing. I played a different game after that, which wasn't quite as bad, but it still wasn't great, very frequent rubber banding and several disconnections.
I still feel pretty terrible in overall health. My parts are even starting to fall asleep very easily, so my blood pressure is likely getting worse. My tummy feels super acidic too, even though I had shredded chicken and bread for food today. I've peed a ton too, so maybe my allergies or cold are worse, I don't know. But all I can do is try to continue on until better days.
Day 5591 - 10/22 - Better day
Today was a better day. The garbage connection was either reset, or fixed itself, as its speed of 8-12 mbps yesterday is at an all time high of 250 mbps today. So I had no problems playing or doing what I wanted.
My tummy was pretty easily upset today. I don't know if it's because of this cold or allergies I'm having or if it's something else. But it wanted less soda than normal, which did help things feel calmer. But my lungs felt much more congested, though I'm barely coughing or sneezing at all. I think it was just a few times all day, so maybe I'm finally starting to get better.
Day 5592 - 10/23 - Schoolie Monday
Today I don't know what to expect, but I usually get all my animation history class stuff done on Monday. I expect I'll do all more most of that, then just try to be generally as restful and calm as I can be. My health has felt so very bad lately, especially around my heart.
Day 5593 - 10/24 - Pastel Tuesday
Today I may start work on an artsy project that has to do with pastel chalks. The assignment wasn't visible before, so I just saw the title. I haven't really done anything with chalk, so hopefully it will be fun and different.
Hopefully I can hang on and get over whatever is congesting me lately. And hopefully the day can be calm and restful and maybe I can feel a bit better overall.
Day 5594 - 10/25 - Sad day
Today feels pretty sad. My tummy is all upset, I think from lunch, but I also have some migraine headache pain, my eyes hurt, various parts of me are falling asleep quickly, and I'm still pretty heavily congested.
I'm pretty sad about my current art project too. I did a non coloring part, so just pencil and getting it ready, and that has made me pretty sad. It's a self portrait, and I suppose the picture I did is what makes me most sad. I did a 'neutral' pose, so not smiling, not wearing a hat, a flat static angle. It is, I suppose, an honest picture. But I see someone who is old, tired, and very sad. Since finishing that part of the art, while I feel these things almost all the time, these feelings feel greatly intensified. I suppose I'll work on the picture the most Friday, and probably some Saturday if it takes a long time, and after that move on to the next thing. But right now it seems to have just greatly intensified all the negative feelings about myself, how I'm feeling physically, and how I feel very unhopeful for my future.
If I can finish before Monday that would be great. It's not due until the week after, but that would be when I get my meds. And hopefully after that pretty quickly I will hopefully see better. And I think with that my mood should lift a bit. I think a lot of my sads are because my brain says, 'well, if I can't see I can't act accurately or quickly, so I will move slowly and just wait.' And so I think the visual fog is creating an emotional fog, which creates a lot of mental / cognitive fog, which just affects everything I do. So hopefully the meds will help clear things and I can have an easier time moving forward at least from my sad self perception even if moving forward to physical health takes longer.
Day 5595 - 10/26 - Still sad and bad
Today I still feel pretty sad and bad. Mostly my back seems to be hurting. Kind of near my kidneys, which worries me, but it's really on the surface where the muscle layer is. I think it's just yet another symptom of my very poor health, as all of my arm and leg parts have been falling asleep quite easily lately. It's also easy enough to just move a bit and fix it quickly, but I never used to have this much pain and falling asleep parts even just a few years ago.
I guess overall things have been ok. No migraine, though that may have been in part due to a lack of caffeine. I am again testing having less brown soda since my tummy is so upset lately, and that is one of the most common things I have, particularly since it was the thing most rejected during the tummy pain time.
I guess I made it through the day ok though. And I am hopeful the meds next week can start to alleviate some of my issues and fears.
Day 5596 - 10/27 - Freezing / Stupid trunk
Today the library was ridiculously freezing. Not only did I have my hoodie on all day, but since it's been getting cold overall I also put on my long underwear pants and put on a second t-shirt, so I have most of my winter layers on and I was still almost cold to the point of grinding my teeth.
Today went pretty quickly though. I had an important show to watch which lasted until early afternoon and I had my art project to do, so the day passed quickly. The art project doesn't make me feel as bad and sad now though because it is hilariously bad. It's like I have zero fine control of the chalks, so it's all blurry and blobby. I guess it's not as bad as I originally felt when I did it, because it's kind of an impressionistic look, but it certainly does not look like a fine, controlled, or accurately done piece. I'll probably have to watch some videos or wait for a response from the professor to know what I may be doing 'wrong'.
I'm very stressed lately. My back has been killing me. I think maybe deep down I am worried about all the 'what if's of if my medicine doesn't help. What if I can't see better? What if my blood pressure stays bad? What if I can't start to get my weight back under control and I just continue to get bigger? I know they are all things I can't control or answer until I start, so I will just have to try and let it go.
I'm also really stressed out about my trunk too. A few days ago it suddenly stopped working again. So now I'm back to the only way I can get to anything is climb through the back seat. It got stuck for a few days a few times lately, but pretty quickly righted itself, so I'm hoping it will correct itself again. But if it doesn't in the next week I may have to spend time reversing it again and just keep hoping it eventually fixes itself again.
Day 5597 - 10/28 - Bad food
Today was mostly ok. I do think the chicken I got for my main food was kind of bad. It is messing up my tummy a bit. My cold feels better, though I am still pretty congested.
The library was still stupid cold. I even got a second long sleeve top, so I'm now just about to full winter cloths and I was still really cold inside the library.
I should do more work on my chalk art project but I think I'll leave it until I'm back at school. It's pretty messy and the videos I watched today all pretty much showed people pressing hard and getting messy and that would be rude to do at the library, so I'll just wait.
I guess today overall was ok, but I am still very unhealthy feeling, and still very worried about my health overall.
Day 5598 - 10/29 - Nervous for tomorrow
Today I am nervous about tomorrow. Not anything that is likely to happen during the appointment. I'm sure that will be fine and little more than 'here is your prescription'. But the after; will I react badly to the meds, will they help, will I see soon, etc. I am hopeful they will work quickly and I can see again soon. There was that one day a week or so ago where I ate a lot and did see pretty well for a few hours. But days lately have been I can barely see clearly for 5 feet in front of me more often than not. And overall these days things feel very bad, my various parts are falling asleep quickly, and various parts of me feel tight or restricted.
All I can do is hope for the best.
Day 5599 - 10/30 - Appointment day
Today there isn't much except my appointment. It will throw some chaos into my schedule since it will probably eat up from just after 10 to about 11:30, so hopefully I can come back to my spot at school and be ok for the rest of the day after. (That is when it can get super busy and plugs near where I normally sit can become scarce.) But other than that I have nothing. We have this week off in the history class to study, which seems odd, and for my artsy class I have the portrait to work on more, which I don't know if I'll do that some today or not what with the middle of the day chunk being blocked.
Hopefully today goes ok.
Day 5600 - 10/31 - Spoopy day
Today is spoopy Halloween day. I'm sure there will be a couple of people around in costume, but that will probably be all the fun there is for me. I have some candies, but with both classes online I don't expect anyone will come up and ask me about them and take some. It's ok if no one does, as that would leave me snacks for 2-3 weeks I don't normally get. But it's sad I don't have more celebration things I can do. This is one of my favorite holidays to celebrate.