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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 16: Different Paths

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 2 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 3 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 4 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 5 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 7 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 8 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 9 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 10 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 11 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 12 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 13 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 14 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 15 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 16 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 835

Day 5839 - 6/26 - A weird kind of sad

Today I feel pretty sad. But it's not a normal kind of sad. It's actually a bit tough to describe. I feel like I am in a neutral or maybe slightly happy mood, but someone I care about very much is sad, in a bad spot, and I can't help them or make them feel better. I guess it's like a detached or indirect sadness. Maybe it's just because I know I can't change what is making me sad. Nor do I have money or opportunity to change the symptom or source of sadness.

I guess overall I'm ok. I continue to hang on as best as I can.

Day 5840 - 6/27 - Feel like crying again

Today started with an early final time for my animation class. It was pretty good and we saw everyone's creative things. I had a good time, but I feel like if it weren't required that a lot of the people wouldn't have cared to be there, which feels sad.

After I got to the library things were pretty much regular. Though I did start to feel like crying again. I think a lot of that is due to these old contacts I'm wearing. I only have 1.5 pair left, and I think what I had was supposed to last me through to the end of the year. So these have been used way faster than expected. Which I guess is not totally surprising. Pushing 1 week contacts to 1 month is already very beyond their lifespan, hoping to get more is maybe asking too much. So overall the money of that makes me very sad and worried, and not being able to see the things I'm trying to enjoy, or when trying to read things like applications, makes me very frustrated and sad.

I think too a lot lately I am missing little things in addition to the big. My tummy wants a few specific foods lately, and I just can't afford them, even if I do have ways to order and get them.

So today was ok, but overall I still feel very sad and hopeless lately.

Day 5841 - 6/28 - Feeling sad still

Today I mostly just played my MMO. I'm trying to build up a new resource that just doesn't drop, so I'm working on a dumb workaround that I feel I'm forced to do because it has guaranteed drops.

I guess other than that things are ok. There are still many things wrong with my sad life, but I just try to accept what I can, and will move ahead as best as I can. Because if I don't I would die from sadness and a broken heart. So I try my best to adapt, make due, and adjust what I need, and hopefully I can continue to hang on.

Day 5842 - 6/29 - A little mad

Today I am a little mad. I am still trying to get the special resource in my MMO and it still is super hard to get. It's effectively time gated in a way it doesn't need to be, but also in a way that is really outside of the player's control, so it doesn't feel good to try and get. I guess the day was ok other than that.

Day 5843 - 6/30 - Oops, didn't notice

Today I noticed it is at the end of this fail year. And now I wonder if that is why I've been feeling so very extremely sad lately. It is just another day, in a long line of days, but completing a cycle of a year reminds me that another year has passed. Another year my health has probably lost permanent recovery. Another year that I have missed so much I would like to have.

I have to try and remember this is a thing that has happened to me. It is not my fault. While I may sometimes be able to slightly influence things, I can't control them. And so all I can really do is continue to try my best to make the best of limited choices. And hopefully I can continue to hang on until things are better.

Year 17

Day 5844 - 7/1 - Continuing on

Today I continue on. At least I hope. It will be the first day of the summer break, not knowing if there are any classes left to take to keep loans off of my back when it's over in September. All I can do is hope I am warm enough, hope my food doesn't upset my tummy too much, and that I can continue to hang on.

Day 5845 - 7/2 - First summer Tuesday

Today will be the first summer day in a long line of seemingly same days at the library. Yesterday I will hopefully have gotten a shower at school, then ha a return to drop off, so it wouldn't have been a 'normal' day. But today will be. And I expect it will really be no different than other countless homeless days at the library.

Week 836

Day 5846 - 7/3 - Super hot

Today was super hot, as was yesterday. It was over 100F both days. I can be inside for the holiday, so that is good. But it isn't cool, so I've been pretty hot. I did play some, but mostly I just laid flat, tried to stay cool, and watched some junk videos. It also probably was partly the fault of a new game I wanted to play which had their servers unexpectedly offline all day, so I just did my MMO for a bit and that was pretty much it.

Hopefully tomorrow will be cooler, but even if it's a bit too warm it should be a better day than I would have had if I had to be outside all day.

Day 5847 - 7/4 - OK day

Today was OK. I was pretty hot, but compared to what I originally expected for the day what I got was a lot better. And for how hot it's been it's about as good as I could have expected.

I did see someone in my online game super briefly who I haven't seen in forever. It was nice because I had been a bit worried if they were OK. I sent some messages that were retired a while back (more than 30 days unread) so that had me a bit worried. They sent some in game gifts, so that was super nice.

There is still a bit of the hot time left as it's barely entering early evening now. But hopefully it will cool down soon and I will start to feel better pretty quickly.

Day 5848 - 7/5 - Still blind

Today things seem cooler, but just slightly. I was in the library through the bulk of it, as always with winter layers on. Which is actually pretty ridiculous since on my way out on the other side of the library I saw they had some stand up fans running. Really? I'm over on my side, with winter layers on so that I'm barely warm enough, and over there it's too warm and they need to run fans? Maybe fix the heating/cooling system, yeah?

I am still pretty blind. My last pair of contacts is now probably nearing the time where they should be replaced, but even on the first day wearing them they weren't a lot better than the like 2 month old pair. I guess it is time to get super serious and see when my exam time cycles and have a proper eye doctor check it (not a prescription one like mine.) It isn't really fluctuating between good and bad vision now. It's pretty much always that more than about 10' away is blurry, so I really wonder if it is my prescription even though my current doctor insists that it is correct. I mean, maybe, sure, I suppose it could be. If you think about a camera there are two focus parts. There is the one that adjusts distance and the one that adjusts clarity, and it is entirely possible to have one correct and one not, so maybe? But it's confusing because if it is clear when testing, why is it not when I have my contacts in? Could the test be somehow flawed? I don't know. Only time will tell, if my coverage allows for a check soon.

Day 5849 - 7/6 - Good, but hot

Today was good. I played my games and had fun. The library was actually very slightly warmer and I only needed to have one of my two hoodies on.

It was pretty hot outside, so there were extra people in the library, but it wasn't too bad. It didn't cool off as quickly as before in the evening, so it's still pretty toasty outside.

But hopefully things will cool down quickly, as it is supposed to be down to a reasonable warm by Monday.

Day 5850 - 7/7 - Much cooler

Today it is much cooler. It's around the same time I always write and it's at least 10F cooler, possibly even as much as 15F. So things should be down to 'reasonable summer heat' in the next day or two.

Sadly the connection at the library was a bit wobbly, so things weren't great. And due to the heat there were a lot more around me than I'd have preferred. But all in all it was a pretty good day. I had fun and the connection was stable enough most of the time.

Day 5851 - 7/8 - Regular Monday

Today will probably be a pretty regular homeless Monday at the library. There isn't anything new I have to look forward to, so hopefully things will be quiet and calm.

Day 5852 - 7/9 - Maybe a shooter thing

Today should be a pretty regular Tuesday. There may be some new content in my shooter I usually play, I'm not sure. I've been doing pretty minimal play there the last couple of weeks since I got through the season pass and so it's been pretty same-same since. If there isn't anything new I have my new free to play game I've been having fun with.

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