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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 16: Different Paths

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 2 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 3 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 4 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 5 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 7 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 8 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 9 .pdf paperback book, View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 10 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 11 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 12 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 13 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 14 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 15 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 16 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 805

Day 5629 - 11/29 - Very tired, kind of sad

Today I was very extremely tired. All day I could barely think and felt like I would fall over asleep at any second. I just thought about my final art project, which I should start tomorrow, so I didn't really need to do anything important.

I was a bit sad too, but it's just a feeling a bit down kind of sad. My MMO kept disconnecting me, so that was sad. And though I haven't played my online shooter in probably a month there is a new season, so I tried that. But I got to some stupid mission with traps that would 1 shot you. I died over a dozen times then rage quit. It's so dumb to have traps in a game where, over the entire time of like 8 years, they've only ever had a place with traps like twice before.

Mostly I was sad to the point of not really feeling like playing and just watched junk videos and basically killed time. I guess I 'took the day off', which seemed kind of wasteful.

But sometimes you just have to do whatever doesn't feel sad or makes you mad, and get through the day to the next.

Day 5630 - 11/30 - Look and feel very old

Today was probably pretty good. I played a bit, but not a lot because I started on my art final. It is pretty good so far I think. We have to do a 'surreal' piece and so I decided to do a 'self portrait'. It will be a silhouette of me in my hoodie, but with a void star field where my face is, shadows in the hoodie will be silhouettes of dark mountains, and there are tentacles coming from within and around an old school style oval picture frame.

I did feel very sad for a bit when taking the picture. If you look for them you can clearly see age wrinkles, loose skin, a bit of a jowel, and very sunken eyes. I look very old and tired. I just had to try and put that out of my head, as I can't control how I look, or what effects aging (and current diet or overall health) have on me.

I had some fun working on the picture after, and some fun with a game just before leaving, so I guess overall today wasn't too bad.

Day 5631 - 12/1 - Sad and quick

Today felt pretty sad, and like it passed quickly. I think bad for a few reasons. First, it's December now, and everyone will always think about how that means friends, family, and Xmas. And I have none. Next, I re-watched a show and thought how cool it was to catch subtle clues you'd only know to look for when watching it a second time, and how cool it would be to have a friend reacting to the surprise things you knew were coming. And last, there are videos that pop up on my social pages about lost or abandoned cute animals being rescued, loved, and given forever homes. Which of course reminded me how I feel similar, but I have no one who would find me, care for me, or love me like that. And that made me sad both for me, and for all the animals who aren't found and resuced and loved.

I guess the day was pretty ok other than that, and it passed pretty quickly. My tummy is a little upset. I did have what someone calls 'bar food' of hard salami and cheese. I guess both can upset my tummy, though I've had it for years and it never used to be an issue. I read something maybe a week ago that talked about "red meat intolerance" and I wonder if I have that now, at least temporarily due to how bad my G.E.R.D.S. is currently. So the day wasn't great, but I suppose it had some ok moments, and wasn't the worst.

Day 5632 - 12/2 - Upset tummy, tired brain

Today my tummy still seems pretty upset from yesterday. I got some Turkey, which surprisingly was pretty good. (Usually the store shredded food is between meh and overly dry.) So hopefully my tummy can start to calm down.

I was going to try and do some assignment stuff, but all day my brain has just been overly tired and exhausted to the point of barely being able to think enough to even play games, so I didn't even try to do any school stuff. It's fine. I have a week from Sunday before the things are due, so even if I don't do anything on either project tomorrow I should have plenty of time to do them.

I got word someone who is important to me was in a bad car accident. I guess they are pretty banged up but should recover just fine. I guess they swerved and rolled the car, but didn't actually hit any other people. But it makes me worried for them, and I'd have thought it would have been terrifying, but I guess they just blacked out during the actual crashing part. But it makes me worried about losing another person. And, of course, makes me worried about my own passing.

Day 5633 - 12/3 - Pretty good actually

Today I felt like doing the ink work for my art final. Not only did it only take 2-3 hours to get to what I felt was a near finished point, which is 1/2 or 1/3 of what I was expecting, but it actually seems super good. I'm worried about adding the color wash in areas, because so far I've proven to be very bad with painting and color work. But in a digital test of what I'm thinking of doing it looks too good not to do it. It really makes the piece pop and go from something I'd think someone would just say, 'that's pretty interesting,' and move on, to something I think people would pause and look at longer and then notice all the finer details.

I am a bit sleepy tired, and I suppose a bit lonely and sad, but overall I think because of the good picture work things feel a bit better than usual.

"Self portrait." (Just the ink work.)

Day 5634 - 12/4 - Hopefully warm Monday

Today all I really hope is the day is a bit warmer as I'd like to do some more art stuff, and I probably should start doing my history paper, and that will definitely require I be warm and able to think.

I don't really know what else to expect. It may rain, as it has a few times lately. Which might be kind of nice, but I also worry about carrying around my art stuff when it does.

Day 5635 - 12/5 - Final regular week

Today is another day in the last final regular week of this quarter. I effectively have today and the next couple of days to finish my art piece. After that the time at the library is ok for that, but it isn't great since there's a bit higher chance of unexpected sudden noise around me, or people at my table shaking it unexpectedly and messing me up. So it's best to finish as soon as I can. Then I have until Sunday to work on the paper, which I never look forward to papers, but it has to be done and shouldn't actually be too difficult.

Hopefully things will go ok, and I will be warm enough.

Week 806

Day 5636 - 12/6 - Full rainbow

Today started off pretty sad. My ex who was in the crash posted that one of her kitties died. It was so very sad. I cried a little. Though I had only met him maybe 3-4 times a year he seemed like a big sweetie.

I still couldn't focus on the paper. I have read most of what I need to for it, so it is probably almost to the point of my moving notes into actual paragraphs and finishing it. Hopefully I can finish tomorrow, though that seems pretty unlikely. But, I am likely making a bigger deal of it than it needs to be. Sure it's supposed to be like 1k words at 8 pages, but really once I answer the main question of 'name three important people and what they contributed' the rest is just filler and connecting things after that. That part alone is like 750 words.

When I was leaving it had been raining and there was the brightest rainbow the direction my car was. But it wasn't just there, it was actually a full one going all the way across the sky, and it was even nearly a double rainbow as I saw a second one nearby at a much fainter brightness.

I guess the day wasn't the worst. It certainly could have had worse things, but it certainly could have been better.

Day 5637 - 12/7 - Started and done

Today I was pretty worried about my paper. I haven't been able to focus at all, so I just had a jumble of notes. But really the 'body' was 75% of what I needed to do, so I hoped it had enough and started putting the notes into a paper. And sure enough, after just 3 hours, I not only had a solid start, but actually wound up finishing it. Sure it's not great, but it's done, and earlier than I thought. Technically it's supposed to be in a slide program, but I told the professor I don't know those, but have done enough work in layout and design I made a basic word layout look like a slide program. So I spent about 30 minutes doing that and sent it for approval. I'm sure it's fine, but haven't heard back yet.

I did have something sad happen during dinner though. A chunk of what I remember being half a tooth disappeared, so now it's 1/4 tooth. It was clearly already beyond saving, so not a big hit. But it does make me sad, as each piece gone makes things worse and worse. But there is far too much damage to stop it now, and I guess that has been the case for years, just invisibly.

But I continue on. I try to not worry about my loss. And I try to stay hopeful enough will remain of me that when I get back to a forever home I can be ok again someday.

Day 5638 - 12/8 - Done with that

Today I officially turned in the paper. It was indeed fine the way I did it, so that is really it. There is maybe 1 hour of stuff to do for classes next week and then I get the 1 month or whatever break.

I got some yummy pizza today because the hot dogs I had were just meh. They aren't bad, but they just felt like I was in space eating generic flavorless food paste.

So today was pretty ok. Cold, but not a very bad day.

Day 5639 - 12/9 - Regular cold day

Today was a pretty regular, but cold, day. I actually played a bit less and just watched some junk stuff because I was too cold feeling. I may have to start regularly having double hoodies on, or at least keep the second with me, just in case.

I guess it was a pretty ok day other than that.

Day 5640 - 12/10 - Shocked idiot

Today there was a shocked idiot at the library. It had gotten kind of full and some very old guy sits across from me and starts reading a paper. (Flat on the table.) For the next hour he was constantly doing 'micro coughs' and clearing his throat. The longest pause between was literally maybe 10 seconds at most. At that point I'd been literally hiding behind my laptop with my hands over my mouth and nose for about 30 minutes and I just had enough and decided to leave early. As I was rushing to pack up some people asked if they could take my spot. I replied, "Sure, but I wouldn't trust it. That guy sounds like he's dying." And I gestured towards the old guy as I left. He perked up with a kind of shocked face. It's like if you can't get a cough under control to go more than 10 seconds between you really shouldn't be out in public, no matter how loud or quiet you are. It makes people fearful of their lives.

I guess the day was ok other than that. Though even with now two hoodies on over my two long sleeve shirts, two T-shirts, and one or two tank tops, not counting my 3 pants layers, I was still cold inside. It's like there was no heat on at all. It's super dumb inside is so cold.

Day 5641 - 12/11 - Last Monday

Today will be the last Monday on campus before the break. I would guess during the break I will probably still be able to slip in for showers now and then, but there definitely won't be access to micro. I'm sure campus will be totally dead this week and it will feel weird.

Day 5642 - 12/12 - Appointment Tuesday

Today I have another appointment, though at this point I'm not sure why we kept it. I've been to see the doc to get settled into my meds, what, two or maybe three times now? This seems pointless. But whatever, I guess it's fine. It's very little gas, and if she wants to check blood work again then that would mean we are extra sure of things.

Hopefully this week will be restful and a nice break. And hopefully my tummy won't get too bad not being able to do micro foods for a month.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2024
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)
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